Thanksgiving
LAINEY
Walking away from Ben was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I can’t be selfish anymore. Knowing I truly ruined my mom’s happiness once has been like a knife constantly twisting in my heart. I promised her I would stay away from Ben, that I wouldn’t mess this up for her, then broke that promise without a second thought. I can’t let another one of my mistakes turn into devastating consequences.
It doesn’t matter that Ben doesn’t feel like a mistake. I can’t take that risk. Not when I’m always wrong.
So, I filled out the annulment papers and sent them to Ben then promptly ran to the bathroom and threw up. He hasn’t responded and I don’t know if it’s like a soothing balm to my aching heart or makes me want to scream until I have no voice. I need him to sign it. To end this pain.
I’m just glad my body knew it needed to be in protective mode today and has gone completely numb. I’ll see him for the first time since that night, and only with the pain anesthetized can I face him and pretend I’m not shattered in front of our parents .
It’ll also make me forget that I’m here with the date from hell.
Yeah, bringing a holidate to is a dick move, but my boss forced my hand. She handpicked the date since she wanted me to run the Turkey Trot this morning, and invited him to my dinner—a fact I learned after the race. What was I supposed to do? It’s my freaking job.
A job I’m hating more and more with every holidate I have, and Pete might be my worst one yet. I’d rather poke my own eye out than spend another minute with him. I’ve never run a race in my life, and my boss decided to pair me with a running enthusiast. Pete spent the whole trot running ahead then coming back to “tease” me about how slow I am—while criticizing everything from my running gait to the adorable themed outfit I was wearing. Fucking asshole.
I lift the mimosa to my lips and drain half. I put too much OJ in this thing.
Harper gives me a death glare.
We haven’t exactly talked since that night at Red Poppy so bringing a surprise guest to dinner has thrown her into a complete tizzy. I’ve tried to help, but all she's done is give me the silent treatment and flit around me, not letting me do anything.
I would go into the living room and watch football, but that’s where Pete is. So, here I am in the kitchen, numbing the pain as quickly as I can.
"Are you going to get drunk or actually help?" Harper snaps.
I point at her drink that’s half gone. “You’re having one too. And I've been here for fifteen minutes, but you've barely acknowledged me. What do you want me to do?"
Harper sighs and looks around the kitchen as if she's trying to figure out what I'm capable of doing and not screwing up. " You can butter the rolls. And mash the potatoes when they're ready."
Freaking Cassie could handle that. My sister really needs to unclench, but I don't say anything and get to work. I ignore the fact she's eyeing me to make sure I butter bread properly. She eventually turns her attention to the casserole she’s preparing. The welcome silence lasts all of ten seconds.
“I can’t believe you brought a date to . Our stepbrother, whom you’re married to , will be here any minute. After all I told you the other night, you really thought getting a date would be the best course of action. Are you insane?”
“Geez, Harper, I thought you’d be happy I was with someone other than Ben.” I drain the rest of my mimosa.
“Lainey,” she says in warning.
“Harper.” I serve her tone right back.
She aggressively starts chopping an onion. “You could have told me you were bringing someone instead of just showing up with him.”
“I told you I didn’t know until two hours ago, and I couldn't exactly turn him away. It's for work.”
“You couldn’t have texted me?”
Instead of answering, I grab the bottle of champagne from the ice bucket and pour another glass.
She shakes her head. “What the hell were you thinking? Oh, I’ll bring a date to where the husband I fucked for two weeks will be sitting across the table from me. It’ll be fine.”
“I’m actually doing my damnedest not to think. Or feel.” I take a healthy sip of my mimosa. Though can you really call it that without the orange juice?
Harper looks at me and her expression softens. Suddenly, I feel like crying. For days, I’ve felt gutted. I could really use my sister right now.
But she doesn’t come to me .
She sets down the knife. “That’s the thing, Lainey,” she says softly. “You never think. You just make one impulsive decision after another. Maybe if you stopped and thought things through, you wouldn’t keep getting it wrong. Seriously, who makes sure to get a real marriage license for a prank marriage? If you put that much effort into any other aspect of your life, you might actually be succeeding instead of floundering from one ridiculous job to another and dating all the wrong men.”
Whatever sentimental sisterly feelings I have evaporates. She took every single one of my insecurities along with my already raw emotions and threw them in a shredder to make sure I felt every shred of pain.
Well, unfortunately for her, she also stirred my anger. And that emotion is definitely one I can handle.
“So sorry, we can’t all be perfect like you.”
"I'm not perfect. It’s just—"
"Oh, trust me, I know ."
Her brows snap together. "What the hell does that mean?"
"It means you're the last person who should be casting stones, and you know it."
Harper's eyes narrow in anger, but I also see a flash of hurt. I refuse to feel bad. Not after what she said to me. I'm fucking sick of her and her righteousness, especially when she’s no saint.
"At least I learn from my mistakes. Instead of making them over and over again.”
“God, you’re such a bitch. I have no idea why Chandler hasn’t left you yet.”
My arrow strikes deep. Harper stills. Anger and hurt radiate off her. She’s not the only one who can tap into someone’s greatest fears.
"Get the fuck out of my kitchen." Her voice sounds calm, but her composure’s hanging by a thread.
I grab the bottle of bubbly and my glass. "Gladly. "
I join Pete and Chandler in the living room. Chandler takes one look at me and the bottle in my hand and immediately heads to the kitchen.
Pete glances at his smart watch. “When are we going to eat?”
“I don’t know.” I flop back into the cushions. “Who’s playing?”
He looks at me like I’ve asked the dumbest question in the world. “Dallas. They play every .”
His condescending tone makes me want to pour my champagne over his head, but I’m not wasting good bubbly on him.
“Right.” I give him a tight smile.
Suddenly, his arm goes around the back of the sofa and he pulls me into him. What the hell? He’s barely been civil to me all day, and now he’s trying to cop a move?
“You see, Dallas and Detroit play every , but not each other.” He continues to mansplain football to me as if I’ve never seen a game. I’m starting to think my boss hates me. This guy is a complete douche.
Thankfully, Mom and Mike show up so I’m able to escape his embrace. I introduce Pete to them, and they both seem confused I brought a date, but my mom quickly looks thrilled. I can’t quite get a grip on Mike, but he engages Pete in conversation about the football game, so I take advantage of the distraction to grab the champagne bottle and slip from the room. With my mom in the kitchen with Harper, I seek out Cassie in her playroom.
Coloring with Cassie turns out to be the perfect distraction. Even though I polished off the bottle of bubbly, I've done a damn good job of staying inside the lines. When Cassie decides the pictures could use glitter, I don’t stop her. This earns me a frustrated look from Chandler when he checks on us. I'll feel bad about it tomorrow. Today, I'm going to enjoy the satisfaction of hearing Harper shriek as soon as she sees her glitter-bombed daughter.
I head to the kitchen since Harper is now preoccupied and find a bottle of wine. I pop the cork and look around for my glass. When I don't see it anywhere, I decide I don't need one. I return to the living room, where Mike and Pete are still watching the game. I’m pretty sure my mom is helping Harper and Chandler with the glitter situation.
"Who's winning?" I tip up the bottle.
“Is that a different bottle?” Pete asks.
“Yeah,” I answer as if he was stupid for asking.
The doorbell rings and stops him from replying. Mike gets up to answer it, and I don't know why it surprises me to see Ben walk in. But the sight of him steals my breath and my traitorous heart lurches so hard, it’s as if it’s reaching for him. He looks good—except his eyes look as tired and drawn as mine.
His dad gives him a hug and says something I can't hear. Ben looks at me, and I raise my bottle in toast and take another drink. Then his gaze flicks to the couch.
Pete stands. “Hey, I’m Pete.”
Ben ignores his extended hand and frowns at me. “You brought a holidate to ?”
“It’s a holiday, Ben.”
His mouth flattens before he shifts the pies in his hands and shakes Pete’s hand. “Hey, man.”
“Now that everyone’s here, think we’ll eat soon?” Pete asks generally to the room though his gaze falls on me.
“Probably,” I reply, and take another healthy swig.
“Good. I want to eat before you pass out at the table.”
Ben’s shoulders stiffen, and his gaze turns hard. “What the fu—”
"Ben! So glad you could make it." Harper sweeps into the room. She gives him a hug, and he hands over the pies, which she gushes over.
“Oh, good. Miss Perfect is okay that they’re store-bought.”
Harper glares at me. Ben takes me in again, his brows furrowed. “What happened between you two?"
Harper waves a hand, dismissing the question. "Dinner’s almost ready. Just have to mash the potatoes."
I face her. "That was my job."
"Well, you've been preoccupied with booze and glitter. And your date ." She gives me a tight smile.
" You kicked me out of the kitchen. I can handle mashing potatoes."
Not letting her protest, I go to the kitchen and find the pot of potatoes already cooked and ready to be mashed. Harper comes in, and I'm fully expecting her to try to stop me, but she doesn't. I mash while she goes in and out of the room to set the table.
When all’s done, I head to the dining room and bring the wine bottle with me. I remove the wine glass beside my plate and replace it with the bottle. "I don't need this," I hold out the glass to Ben, who’s now standing next to me. He gives me a grim look as he takes it.
I settle in my chair as Pete takes the one on the other side of me. I suppress a shudder. He doesn’t bother looking at me, as he’s too busy taking in all the food on the table. This guy must really love .
Harper comes in. “Oh, good. Y’all found your seats,” she says as if sitting me between Ben and Pete is her evil plan coming to fruition.
“Nice and cozy,” I reply, refusing to show her my irritation that I’m sitting between my husband and my date.
Harper scowls and heads back to kitchen. I look over at my mom; her expression is a combination of disappointment and embarrassment. I grab my napkin, slowly unroll it, and set it in my lap, unable to look up. I know I'm behaving badly. I can't seem to stop. Or care.
"Lainey, what’s going on with you and Harper?" My mom leans forward, her voice soft but full of the emotion reflected on her face.
"Nothing."
Her mouth flattens. "Whatever it is, it's enough. It's ."
Harper returns with the rolls while Chandler brings in Cassie in a completely different outfit and straps her into her booster seat. An awkward silence falls over the table once everyone is seated.
Mike clears his throat. "How about a prayer?"
Everyone murmurs their agreement. We all bow our heads, though Harper's gaze clashes with mine and we glower at each other. As Mike goes on about the importance of family and how thankful he is, I steeple my hands as if praying, then slowly bend all my fingers except the middle ones which I turn toward Harper.
"Amen,” Mike says. and we all repeat it.
I pick up my wine bottle and toast it to Harper. She picks up her wine glass in a way that has her middle finger aimed toward me.
Everyone starts passing around dishes and filling their plates. The conversation turns to how good everything tastes.
"This cornbread dressing is amazing, Harper," Mike says.
"Yeah, it's perfect ," I say, and give Harper an overly sweet smile.
"Thanks." She returns my smile. "Sorry the potatoes are lumpy. Mashing potatoes isn’t that hard, but of course, Lainey manages to get it wrong."
The whole table freezes, and the tension’s thicker than the gravy. That’s it. She wants a war? I’ll give it to her .
"At least I'm honest about my imperfections." I look at my mom. "Remember when I visited Harper at college during her freshman year?"
"Lainey!” Harper hisses, the grip around her knife so tight I can see the white in her knuckles.
"Come on, honey. You can watch Tangled while you eat." Chandler quickly sweeps up Cassie and disappears.
"Showed up to her dorm to find out she wasn't living there. No, Miss Perfect was shacked up with two guys, and they weren't just roommates, if you know what I mean."
My mom gasps as Harper shoots up, her face red. "You fucking bitch!"
I stand and face off with her. "That’s right, Harper had her own little reverse harem going on."
An animalistic sound leaves Harper's throat before she shouts, "Lainey and Ben got married in Vegas!"
As soon as the words are out of her mouth, she realizes what she’s done. I almost laugh. For all her talk about me screwing up, she’s the one that spills the beans to Mom.
But I can’t take any satisfaction in it when my mom makes another anguished sound. I glance at her and she's white as a sheet. Mike looks equally shell-shocked.
“Wait! You’re married?” Pete stands, looking at me with disdain.
“Oh, shit,” Chandler mutters, as he returns without Cassie.
"Please tell me that isn't true," my mom says to me, her eyes glassy.
Before I can answer my mom, Pete stands “You’re married to your stepbrother and on a date with me. What is wrong with you? Should have known you were crazy when you showed up to the race in a turkey tutu.”
Another gasp fills the room.
In a blink, Ben is in between us. “Talk to my wife like that again, and you’re going to be eating dinner through a tube.”
Pete raises his hands up in surrender, stepping away from the table. “You’re all crazy.” Then he sneers at me like I’m trash. “I only agreed to this date for the food anyway.”
All of a sudden, Pete’s face is covered in cranberry sauce and dressing. I turn to see Harper and Chandler staring at Pete with murderous expressions, their hands dripping with berries and clumps of cornbread.
Holy shit.
“Take it to go, asshole,” my sister yells, and I almost laugh out loud.
Mike closes in on Pete and points his half-eaten turkey leg at him like a sword “You need to leave. Now .”
Pete wipes food away from his eyes and dumps it on the floor. “Gladly. Fuck you all.”
As soon as he turns his back, we all grab food and hurl it his way, hitting him in the back. Even my mom threw a roll at him. He pauses then blazes for the door, slamming it behind him.
My mom finally breaks the silence. “Please tell me this is all joke. You two really didn’t get married.”
I sigh. "It was a mistake. It was supposed to be a prank on Harper, that’s it. We're getting it annulled."
"Not before they decided to have a honeymoon and fuck for two weeks," Harper adds.
"Jesus." Ben wipes his clean hand over his face.
Whatever truce we had over our hatred of Pete is over. "At least I fucked my husband and not two guys at the same time."
Next thing I know, cornbread dressing strikes my face. "Brother fucker!"
“Step!” Both Ben and I yell. I grab two handfuls of mashed potatoes and hurl them her way. "Suck on my lumpy potatoes, Miss Not So Perfect. "
It's now an all-out war. We're throwing food at each other and slinging insults even faster. An arm wraps around my waist, and I'm yanked away from the table.
"Control your wife," Ben orders, as Chandler grabs Harper to stop her from crawling over the table to get to me.
“Control yours!” Chandler fires back. “She started it!”
“Oh, like Harper’s innocent. She must have started in on Lainey as soon as she walked in, or she wouldn’t be downing wine from the bottle.”
“Hey!” I fire at Ben, as a blob of cranberry sauce hits him in the face. I catch Chandler with his hand in the crystal bowl.
“That’s it,” Ben growls. Keeping his hold on me, he grabs a handful of mashed potatoes and hurls them across the table, hitting Chandler in the chin. Harper nails me in the chest with dressing, suddenly, it’s complete chaos. Food is flying everywhere. We’re all screaming at each other. Mom and Mike are yelling at us to stop, but we’re too far gone.
Chandler flings more cranberry sauce at Ben. “If you’d gotten this annulled right away, none of this would be happening.”
Ben dodges the sauce, throwing me off kilter as I grab more potatoes to throw at Harper.
“I couldn’t!”
“Why not?” Harper yells.
“Because I’m in love with her!”
Suddenly, it’s as if a bomb dropped in the middle of the room. The silence is deafening, save for my pounding heart. Yet, it doesn’t drown out Ben’s words. The incessant beats somehow amplify them.
Until their echo is all I hear.
Harper’s raised hand full of dressing falls and she slumps in Chandler’s arms. I glance at our parents, standing back from the table, looking as stunned as I feel. My body goes limp, and Ben tugs me against his chest. I turn, needing to see his face, needing to confirm he really said those words. The mix of fear and honesty in his expression tells me I heard him correctly.
“You can’t love me,” I whisper, fearing he’ll take it back.
His expression softens. "I can." He cups my jaw, using his thumb to swipe away errant food. “I do. You can call our marriage a lot of things, but it’s not a mistake. I can’t think of my future without you in it.”
“Look at what this marriage has done.” I gesture to the food carnage scattered across the room.
“So, our first was a little bumpy.”
I huff out a laugh, unable not to. “Don’t you mean lumpy?”
He smiles. “See? We’re already laughing about it.”
I shake my head. “But it’s not funny. This was horrible and mean and…" Tears fill my eyes. I can't even look at my sister right now. "It won’t work. Then we’ll ruin their marriage, and I can’t have that on me. I can’t . Not when I’ve already ruined my mom’s happiness once.”
"Lainey…” my mom says.
I look at her. “Harper told me about Danny. How I messed up. And I’m so sorry, Mom. I never meant to keep you from someone you loved.”
My mom’s silent tears turn to sobs, and she buries her face in her hands.
“See,” I say, turning back to Ben. “Look at what I’ve done.”
“No. That’s not about us. We haven’t done anything wrong. We’re just two people who have fallen for each other.”
“But I’m always wrong. I’ve been wrong about every job I’ve had. I was wrong about Isaac and every other guy I’ve dated. Danny.”
“But you’re not wrong about me.”
“You don’t know that.”
His jaw clenches. “I do know that, Lainey. And you fucking do too if you would just stop listening to your insecurities and the people who keep throwing them in your face.” He glances at my sister and my mom before bringing looking back to me with an impassioned gaze “Listen to your heart.”
“I can’t. That’s led me to hurting people I care about and getting hurt myself. If I would stop and think—"
“Lainey, you’re focusing on the wrong mistakes.” He takes my hands in his. “Your heart hasn’t steered you wrong. It steered you away from things that didn’t fit, and right to where you belong. It steered you to me.”
Tears blur my vision.
“Nothing between us has been a mistake, Lainey. And you know it. All you have to do is admit it.”
The sounds of my mom crying. The erratic beat of my heart. The fear that whatever I do, it’s going to be wrong. It’s all lodged itself in my throat, choking me. Suffocating me. Why can’t I trust the words I want to say?
As my anguished silence stretches, Ben’s expression goes from hopeful to devastated to cold detachment. My heart cracks as he releases my hands and steps away, and I know I just made my greatest mistake yet.
Tears pour down my cheeks as the chokehold on my throat releases and all the feelings I’ve been denying myself rush forth. I grab his shirt to stop him. “Ben—”
“Acnestis.”
I inhale sharply. He’s never used our safe word.
“No.” The resolve in his voice has my stomach sinking. “You’ve told me over and over all these months and I didn’t listen. But your silence…it’s loud and clear. Acnestis.” The word comes out soft, but firm.
He let me go every time I said it, so I do the same.
I unclench my fingers from his shirt and step back. I’m vaguely aware of him walking away and the sound of the front door opening then the finality of it closing. The next thing I know I’m sprinting through the house and closing myself in the bathroom and emptying the contents of my stomach. For the second time in a week, I curl up in a puddle of tears on a cold bathroom floor.
“Wake up, Lainey.”
I feel a nudge on my shoulder as I blink my eyes open. I’m still on the bathroom floor and only the little bit of pride I have left has me pushing up to sitting. Because honestly, I’d rather not move. I wish I could melt through the floor and disappear. I look up to see my mom squatting down trying to help me up.
“I can do it,” I say softly and get myself to standing. I wince when I see my reflection in the mirror. I’m still covered in food from our fight. Now it’s all caked on and crusty.
“Come on, I’m driving you home.”
I don’t question her, and follow. I’m surprised the house is mostly dark, it’s even dark outside.
“What time is it?”
“Eight.”
Damn. I slept on the bathroom floor for about five hours. What a disaster I am. And I owe my mom a big apology. An explanation. Instead, I get in the car, fasten my seatbelt, and stay silent. It’s apparently my M-O today.
Thankfully, my mom doesn’t seem to want to talk any more than I do. When we arrive at my apartment, she walks me inside, guiding me to my bathroom. “Take a shower and change.”
Her tone has been soft and gentle this whole time which makes it really hard to judge where she’s at with the whole food fight and married to my stepbrother thing. I stand under a stream of hot water and stare into space, trying not to think of all the ways I screwed up today. I turn off the water when it turns cold. My skin is red and raw from how long was in the shower and it takes all my energy to get dressed and not crawl into bed to let oblivion take me.
Instead, I return to the living room where my mom is sitting on the couch with two mugs of tea on the coffee table.
“It’s Chamomile. Hopefully, it’s not too cold now.”
I pick up the cup and take a sip of the lukewarm tea. “It’s fine. Thanks.”
We stay like that for a while before I finally work up the courage to speak. "I'm sorry."
"You’re going to have to be specific. Drinking wine by the bottle? Ruining with a food fight? Revealing your sister's secrets? Lying about your feelings for Ben?"
"All of it. And what I did to you in high school." I swallow. "Most of all, I'm sorry if I ruined things between you and Mike."
My mom lets out a long sigh. "Lainey...actually, I owe you an apology. I was so ashamed I wasn’t the mother you and your sister needed, I couldn’t even apologize or tell you that I’m glad you took the actions you did. Yes, Danny and I had feelings for each other, and I did struggle with missing out on that, but you were always more important. I had to step up and prove to you that you and your sister are my world. My number one priority. Because you are. I’ll never forgive myself for making you doubt that.”
“Mom, I forgive you. Please don’t—”
“Baby, I love you for that. But this is on me. I’ve gone through a lot of therapy, and I’ve forgiven myself for a lot, but this is one thing that I’ve accepted but can’t quite forgive. And I’m okay with that. What I’m not okay with is that I got caught up in old insecurities when I saw you and Ben getting close.”
I swallow as tears threaten again. “I really did try to stop what was happening. I never wanted to hurt you. Or you to think that I was purposely trying to.”
My mom puts her mug on the table then does the same with mine before taking my hands. “I never thought that. I let my fears take over. When Mike came along, and it was all going so perfectly, I kept waiting for something to come along and mess it up. I latched onto you and Ben. It was wrong. I was wrong.”
Tears fill her eyes. “Seeing you two together today…I couldn’t believe I was so selfish that I was keeping my daughter from the man she loves. Yeah, I was scared at how Mike would react, but quickly realized it didn’t matter. Ben was right. What’s between you two has nothing to do with us. Mike and I will be just fine. We did have some big conversations this afternoon and agreed we could use some couples therapy to help us communicate with each other. Mostly, we’re hurting for our children.”
“I fucked up, Mom. I love him and was too afraid to admit it. And now I’ve lost him.”
“Oh honey,” she pulls me into her and hugs me tightly before pulling back and taking my face in her hands. “If I’ve learned anything in this life, it’s never too late to right a wrong.”