48. Andrew
START OF FRESHMAN YEAR
Darryl, my new roommate, closes the door to the room that will be my home for the foreseeable future. How long that is, is still up for debate.
The moment I can’t hear his footsteps anymore, I grab my book from the nightstand. Finders Keepers by Stephen King. The crime novel is a calculated move on my part. Anything else, and Gigi would start reading it. I probably could be more discreet, but I need this like I need air. Flipping the pages, I stop at the familiar page seventy-three—bookmarked by my trusty razor blade and flecked with a bloodied thumbprint.
I lie in bed and slide down my basketball shorts. The lines have somewhat faded now. They used to be red and angry, now some are brown, some are raised, but most are only two shades darker than my skin color. Time did them good. Not adding new ones did them well. I was starting to be happy a few months ago, right around the time graduation rolled around and I thought I’d be leaving Marble Crest and all that garbage behind me. I thought I didn’t need to do this anymore.
I scoff at myself remembering how stupid I was. Thinking that I get to start fresh in college. That I get to fix my relationship with Gigi and Luke, the two most important people to me that I’ve pushed away.
The blade slices my skin open, making way for blood to drip on the new sheets that Mom picked out for me. Laying my head on the pillow, I hiss in both pain and relief once I feel the burning sting. As I close my eyes, my mind replays the memory of today’s events—when I met him.
“Fancy seeing you here, Palmer.” The familiar voice that’s taunting me freezes me in place. Turning off the faucet, I lift my head up to face the mirror. I don’t need to see his reflection to know who it is. Zachary Landon.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
“I go here,” he sneers. His eyes are dark with rage that’s all directed toward me, Zach pushes himself off one of the bathroom stall doors and makes his way to me. “You see, when your son of a bitch daddy ruined my family, he destroyed my dad. Now thanks to you, I can’t afford the tuition to go to any other school. This shithole was the only place offering me a football scholarship.”
“For the last fucking time, Zach. I didn’t fucking do anything. And it’s not my fault that your mom couldn’t keep her legs shut.” Regret instantly washes over me once I realize what I’ve said, but after a whole year of this crap, my sympathy for Zach has diminished to zero.
He puffs his chest, and I cackle. It’s funny that he thinks I’d be intimidated by him. We’re practically the same height and equally wide.
“I’m going to continue to make your life a living hell, Andrew. Your dad might be untouchable, but you’re not.”
“Do your worst,” I say as I bump his shoulder and walk to the door. Not like he hasn’t done it, anyway.
“Saw your girlfriend yesterday.” My hand stays glued to the knob. “Such a shame that the basketball team and football team at Marble Crest never hung out together, otherwise I’d have spent lots of time with her.”
My body starts trembling with anger, remembering the things he said he’d do to Gigi. Zach tried a lot of shit in high school to break me. At some point he figured out that my weak spot was Gigi. And then he pushed, and pushed, and pushed, causing me to reach a tipping point. I broke. I’ll never forget the smug winning look on his face when I fell for his trick.
“Stay the fuck away from Gigi!” I bellow, turning around. “She has nothing to do with this.”
The fucking tool shakes his head and smirks at me. He finally got his wish. I took the bait. “Oh, but she does. You know that as well as I do.” He closes the gap between us by pointing his index finger to my chest. “You beat me up after we played against Kinsdale Springs. Coach benched me for the next game when he saw me. Scouts came to the game after that, you know. Me being here?” Zach pauses to let out a maniacal laugh, and I wonder who he’s hurting more with this conversation, me or him. “It’s all your doing, Palmer. Had you not done that, maybe I would’ve gotten better offers.”
“You told me you were going to fucking steal her from me and tell her lies about me, you asshole.”
“And maybe I still will,” he says, smirking. “We share the same hallways now. Maybe I’ll sneak into her dorm. Or maybe, maybe I’ll just take her from you fair and square. Why would she want to be with a worthless piece of scum like you anyway?”
He’s not going to do shit. He’s all bark and no bite. But that’s the thing with him. He says the same thing so often, at some point you start believing what he says. I know I do.
It’s hard not to after being told for a whole year that I’m a worthless piece of scum.
I’m just like my dad.
The world would be better off with one less Palmer.
I’m nothing.
I will pay for everything.
I’m not important.
I open my eyes and come back to reality once the tenth cut is done, turning my inner thighs into how they used to be before summer vacation. I was hoping to finally go all the way with Gigi and worship her next weekend. Apologize profusely, tell her the truth, and make love to her—right my wrongs. I guess I can kiss that goodbye, there’s no fucking way I’m going to let her see me like this. Not that it matters, anyway. I don’t think about sex anymore. I haven’t even had an orgasm since I lost my virginity to Rachel. Jerking off doesn’t feel right when you’re disgusted with yourself.
As I clean myself, I let my mind wander to a place I haven’t let it in a while.
Would Mom be sad if I fell off the face of Earth? Probably, but I read a lot of parents get divorced when they lose a kid. Maybe that’ll be the push she needs, because I’m fucking sure my pathetic excuse of a dad will never tell her the truth.
Would Gigi miss me? A part of me wants to say yes, but a part of me knows I’ve hurt her. So much. I betrayed Gigi in the worst way, and for what? Because I got all drunk and riled up and wanted to prove a point? I don’t fucking deserve her.
And Luke? He probably hates me by now. I pushed him away because he’s the only person who knows me from the inside out. He’s my best friend. I can’t have him finding out about Dad. Luke idolizes Michael Palmer as if he was Jesus himself. I don’t want him to know about Zach giving me a hard time, as well. He’d think I was a pussy. Struggling over one guy who can’t handle the fact his mom cheated on his dad. Luke had it worse than me, way worse. That dude is tough as nails. I never understood why people always think I’m better than Luke. I’m the wrong Palmer boy to be put on a pedestal. He’s the one who’s going to bring pride to the family name; he’s the only one who can at this point. I hope he does.
I smile when I remember the first time I met Gigi. Luke had it out for her. He hated her guts. He probably still does. I wonder what would happen to them if I wasn’t here anymore. With Gigi always spending most of her holidays in New York, their strongest link is not their parents—it’s me. Would they finally be friends? Would they lose contact completely? Would they miss me? Would they bond over me being gone?
A chuckle comes out of me when I grab my phone to see both Luke and Gigi texting me, asking me where I’m at. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if they started dating?
Lying back on the bed, I close my eyes and rub my temples.
Hang on a little longer, Andrew . For Mom. For Luke. For Gigi. Not until you tell Mom you love her. Not until you tell Gigi you’re sorry for wasting her time. Not until you tell Luke to keep pushing through life.
The end, for now.