47. Gigi
CHAPTER 47
Gigi
I take off my flip-flops and directly plop myself on the bed. It’s been a tiring two days. Horrible? I’m not sure. Cathartic? Maybe. But I also have questions now. New ones that never crossed my mind before.
Luke closes the door to my dorm room, but instead of joining me like he usually did before summer break, he just stands there, biting the inside of his cheek. His eyes narrow on me and a frown appears on his face.
“Luke, what’s wrong?”
“Do you miss him?” he asks, sounding unsure. “I’m an asshole, Gi. But I need to know. Seeing that video…does that change how you feel about me?”
I feel a pull in my stomach. Two Palmer boys. Both fighting two completely different beasts in their minds. Both tortured in their own ways. Both broken yet beautiful, worthy of love and worthy of peace.
“Yes, I miss him.” I flash him a sad smile when I see him nod with a look in his eyes like he’s just about ready to accept defeat. But Luke was the one who told me it was okay to think of Andrew; I’m not about to lie to him. “And no, it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I love you, Luke. I miss Andrew, but I love you.”
“He loved you, too. I saw it all over his face. He loved you so goddamn much.”
“Did seeing the video change how you feel about me?”
Luke shakes his head. Closing the distance between us, he takes a few steps and sits on the edge of my bed. “But I feel guilty now about my feelings for you,” he says, looking at the floor. “Like in the beginning. After we first had sex. I felt so fucking guilty, Gi. I felt like I stole his girlfriend.”
I think the biggest tragedy in life is not being able to talk to the dead. So many words left unsaid. So many questions that won’t get answers. So many apologies that you just can’t make. But we can’t ask Andrew for permission or forgiveness now. No matter how much I want to be able to hear his voice again.
“Remember what you told me once?” I can hear my own voice breaking as I fight back my tears. “You told me he’d want us to be happy.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you think that he’s happy for us? Because I think he is.”
Luke lies down next to me and pulls me to his chest. I hear his heartbeat, fast in the beginning and then slowing down as he breathes out. When I lift my chin to look up at him, he gives me a small kiss on the crown of my head, his gaze never leaving the wall. “It’s going to be the anniversary of his death soon. Want to go to his grave?”
“I do.”
Still with a somber look on his face, Luke caresses my hair as he asks me a question that makes me feel queasy. “Do you think we’re a good couple? What if we rocked the boat and destroyed his family all for nothing? I’m pretty sure Uncle Mike would’ve hidden that video like a dirty secret if Aunt Judith hadn’t gone apeshit on you.”
I feel the lump suddenly lodged in my throat at the mention of his aunt and uncle. I don’t know how I feel about Andrew’s mom, but his dad? He’s a special kind of deadbeat. A different brand than Vince, but a deadbeat, nonetheless. Good thing he believes in heaven and hell, because he’s getting a one-way ticket to the latter.
“I think we need some work,” I tell Luke honestly. “Anything bigger than this, I don’t know, Luke.” I fidget in his arms.
“We’re at maximum capacity, Gi.” Luke’s gaze bores into mine as he flashes me a defeated smile. “On the bright side, I don’t think there’s anything worse than this. It can only go up from here.”
I nod but swallow the bile rising in my throat.
Just when I think Luke is about to fall asleep, he barks out a bitter laugh. “My uncle is insane, for God’s sake. If I were you, I’d honestly dump me. My family is a fucking mess. Uncle Mike is a fucking creep. The person who’s supposed to be the beacon of hope.”
“Your family is my family, too, Luke.” Legally speaking, it’s true. There’s no point in denying it.
“Don’t remind me.” He groans next to me, but at least he cracks a smile at my joke. “Makes me feel like a creep.”
“Sorry to break it to you, buddy. But you’re banging your stepsister. We are kind of creepy.”
My heart warms when I hear him chuckle. I haven’t heard that in a while. There were many nights I spent in New York when all I wanted to do was hear him laugh. But I didn’t contact him for a reason. A stupid fucking reason, but something that I can’t bring up right now. Not after that video.
We’re at maximum capacity
You need to tell him, Gigi.
“Luke,” I say his name slowly, my tone so soft I don’t know if he can hear me. “Do you remember? Before all this, I really wanted to talk to you.”
“Don’t run away from me anymore, Gi. Don’t pull that shit again. Ever,” he murmurs into my hair.
“I’m sorry. I was going to call you once I got there, but…I couldn’t. Something happened and I needed some time to think. For myself.”
“Well what a crock of shit that was. Aunt Judith got you worked up for nothing.”
“Yeah, that.” I manage to smile. The month was so long, by the end of it I forgot why I even left for New York in the first place. “That’s not the reason why I didn’t…couldn’t really talk to you, Luke.”
Luke jerks up, pushing himself to a sitting position. I follow suit as my heart hammers.
We’re at maximum capacity.
You need to tell him, Gigi.
“Gi, did something happen while you were in New York?” His eyes are accusing me of something. If he only knew how I spent the month of August, he’d laugh at his own reaction.
Think of happy thoughts, Gigi. Picture the ocean. Picture the park. Picture how your babcia held your hair and lectured you on what to do.
“It’s not what you think.” I shake my head.
“Just tell me, then,” Luke groans. “It’s been a long day. Please.”
We’re at maximum capacity.
You need to tell him, Gigi.
“Luke, I needed some time for myself because I needed it to process.”
“Process what?” His tone is still patient, but the way he’s scratching his head tells me Luke is getting impatient with me.
Just spit it out, Gigi.
“I’m pregnant.”
When I landed in New York and felt like I had the mother of all stomach bugs, migraines included, I spent a week glued to my bed. It was worse than spring break. I wasn’t kidding when I told Luke that I was sick and needed the rest.
The week after, when I realized I stupidly never rescheduled my appointment for the Depo-Provera shot, I was too busy Googling how long it takes before the effects wear off. Stupid, but true. So incredibly moronic. I decided to choose this exact method because I didn’t want to be like my mother. Condoms break and pills need to be taken religiously. With this, silly me thought I’d only need to go to the clinic every few months and that’s it. It was the perfect solution for my forgetful self. My smartass didn’t consider the fact that I’d actually forget to put in the reminder on my new phone.
By the third week, I had an inkling that something was wrong with me. When my grandmother told me to visit her without my dad one day and ordered me to pee on a stick after seeing me retching up every single one of my favorite dishes she cooked for me, I was almost certain of my fate. I swore her to secrecy and allowed myself a few days of panic where I paced around New York like a panicked madwoman.
During my final week in the city I grew up in, I was busy crafting apology after apology to Luke and figuring out how to tell him all of this. I’d imagine his reaction, have a mental breakdown, play a different scenario in my head, only to have another mental breakdown. But at this point, I’d avoided deep conversations with him long enough, he’d given up trying to reach out. It would’ve been the most outrageous thing to just drop the bomb on him like that when I was miles away.
Seeing Luke’s reaction, I fight back the urge to cry. Luke stares at me blankly and says one word. One single word. “Fuck.”
We’re way past the maximum capacity.