46. Luke
CHAPTER 46
Luke
Andrew is still dead.
Uncle Mike is a serial cheater.
Rachel slept with both my uncle and my cousin.
My fists are both clenched tight to my sides. If the man standing in front of me hadn’t practically raised me, if I thought he wasn’t already punished enough by his son being six feet underground, I’d fucking kill him.
“How long have you had this for?” I ask, seething.
“When they gave me his things,” my uncle admits. Deep inside, I know. I remember seeing the stick still plugged into Andrew’s laptop when I found him. But I was praying that he was going to tell me he just found it.
“Why now?”
“I didn’t think it was right.” I can’t help but scoff. Didn’t think it was right. He grabs the back of the chair across from me, pausing. “Judith blamed Giuliana for Andrew acting out. For him…killing himself. You stopped coming here. I didn’t want her to lose you too.”
“So you didn’t care that we all went on for so long thinking he didn’t say goodbye?” I snap. I glare at Uncle Mike who’s not saying anything.
At least he has the decency to look guilty. Aunt Judith is standing right next to him. I already know that she’s going to stay with him. They will sweep this under the rug and continue on with their lives as if none of this ever came to light. I thought my family couldn’t get more messed up. People surprise you every day.
“Get an STD test, Aunt Judith.” I rise from my seat. “And Uncle Mike, don’t bother calling me after this. I won’t pick up.”
My eyes burn the whole way back to Ravensfield. Driving in my truck, only one thought looms in my mind.
Andrew was angry when he said his last words to his dad. He was sorry when he bid farewell to his mom. He was trying to be cheerful for me. But the way those blue eyes lit up on screen when he addressed Gigi… At the end of his fucked up life, he died in love with Gigi.
I wonder how she feels now. About us. About him. About me.
I guess there’s only one way to find out.
“I’m in front of your building,” I say to her on the phone.
I hear the sound of her bed creaking followed by footsteps, telling me she’s about to let me in. “See you in a sec.”
I feel tingles everywhere, especially on my face, as cold sweat drips down my forehead. I know for a fact that I’m in love with her. Probably as much as Andrew was, maybe even more, but you don’t come back from seeing your ex-boyfriend smile and swoon at you like that without feeling some type of way. She didn’t walk out of Andrew’s childhood home unscathed yesterday.
I want to punch myself for not making up with her sooner. Why did I act all cold toward her when she was ready to talk and make up? For the sake of it? Out of pettiness? Because I was a bitter asshole and had to one-up her? To push her away, not wanting to get hurt? I should have known. My days with her are probably numbered now. I should have put a dent in my savings and bought a ticket to New York to go after her.
“You saw the video,” she says, crossing her hand over her stomach. I didn’t pay much attention to how she looked yesterday at the library, and I wish I did. Dark circles are under her eyes and she’s not wearing makeup. Gigi is the type of girl who doesn’t leave the house without putting at least three products on her face. Her hair is in a messy ponytail and fuck me…she’s wearing a Marble Crest High sweater. A pit grows in my stomach seeing her in his outfit. She misses him.
I want to ask her where her head is at. I want to ask her what this means for us. But I don’t. Gigi doesn’t need me to pester her about the status of our relationship right now and I’m too chickenshit to do it, anyway.
I nod. “I saw the video.”
“You know about your uncle.”
“I know about my uncle.”
“About Rachel, too.”
“Yep.”
“Who do you think he was talking about?” Gigi asks. “The son of the woman your uncle was cheating with?” Her arms wrap around my waist as she sobs on my shirt. It feels less natural to hug her now; it feels wrong somehow. Like I’m hugging someone else’s girlfriend. She’s wearing his sweater . “God, it’s all so fucked up, Luke,” she cries.
“I know, Gi.” I rub her hair from the root to the tip, and then do it repeatedly. “I’m sorry I ignored you yesterday. We should’ve done it together.”
“He seemed so sad.” Gigi looks up at me with tears streaming all over her cheeks. My thumb catches some of it as I caress her face. “I was a horrible girlfriend, Luke. He was bullied, and depressed, and sad, and I didn’t even realize it. I was just so mad about Rachel.”
I was a terrible cousin, too. A terrible friend. If I had to bet on it, I’d say he didn’t show up to church because he couldn’t stand the hypocrisy of listening to his father preaching about love and doing good, but instead of asking him properly about it, I just got butt-hurt and took his word when he said he wanted to spend more time with Gigi. I should’ve been there for him. I should’ve fucking helped him.
We failed him. Every single one of us did nothing. We were all so wrapped up in ourselves that we missed the signs that this other person was suffering, wilting away…wanting out of the life he had.
“Promise me you’ll tell me?” She bites her bottom lip as she hugs me even tighter. “I know you’ve had a lot of things happen to you, Luke. Promise me, if you ever feel like things get too heavy for you that you’ll talk to me? Don’t shut me out and don’t keep it to yourself.”
Feeling the burn in the back of my eyes, I suck in a breath. “If you promise me you won’t shut me out, too. It hurt, Gi,” I say honestly. “When you went to New York. When you dodged my calls. When you asked for space to think.” I kiss her forehead and my mind wanders to the portion of our summer vacation where I went from sad, to disappointed, to angry. I have so much of those three emotions sitting inside of me, I don’t want to drive them all toward Gigi. Not even to Aunt Judith or my uncle. I’m just sick of feeling so down all the time. I’m going to be the next Andrew if I don’t reign it in. “I’ve never been scared of losing a girl before. I felt like I was losing you.” I feel like I’m going to lose you now.
“I just needed time to process everything, Luke. The things your aunt said knocked the wind out of me. It made me think long and hard about how my life has been and who I was as a girlfriend to Andrew. Who I am as a girlfriend to you.”
Is this the part where she dumps me?
“We don’t have to talk about this right now,” I say, trying to prolong the shelf life of my relationship with her.
Taking my hand, she gives me a sad smile that cracks my heart a bit. “Come on, let’s go inside. We can talk about Andrew some more. People are starting to stare.”