56. Chapter Fifty-Six
Chapter Fifty-Six
Elowen Briar
I Guess It’s Finally My Turn
Iwake to the sound of knocking and my curtain being tugged aside.
Metal rungs clinking against its path. Morning light filters through the hospital window.
The light feels thin and new. My stomach growls.
I feel like I’m starving. Dr. Storms stands at the end of my bedside with a clipboard and a quiet smile covers his face, looking severely practiced.
“Good morning, Ms. Briar,” he says. “I apologize for the delay from yesterday. I’m afraid I ended up in a few emergency consultations.
I know I told you that you were a priority.
It did give us time to receive some notes back on your bloodwork.
Before sharing anything about those with you, I’d like to move forward with some of those other tests we discussed, if that’s okay with you?
We’ll need this room cleared for your next round of tests.
” Dr. Storms pauses to wait for my consent.
I nod my head, wishing I could wipe the sleep from my eyes myself.
I look over to Beau. He hasn’t moved. Still a mess physically, but he must be reading my mind because he instantly gets up.
Dr. Storms continues, “It seems you received some visitors throughout the night. Hopefully that kept your mind at ease somewhat and that you found some rest for a while.”
Within a flash, Beau returns with a tray of items from the restroom.
It includes a small bowl of water, a rag, a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a small dish to spit in, some wipes, and a hairbrush.
He lays it in his lap, double checking that he grabbed everything I might need.
My mouth tastes like cotton. “What kind of tests today?” I ask Dr. Storms.
“We’re still waiting for an answer back on some of that bloodwork from yesterday, but we found some responses we were looking for overall,” he says.
“We’ll do some imaging this morning. I still want that EMG, seeing as your symptoms haven’t regressed.
The spinal tap too, if you’ll consent. We really need to look closely at your spine and brain.
I promise that the team and I will move quicker today.
” The word quicker presses into my mind.
It makes me think maybe they already know something we don’t.
I glance back toward the chair. Beau is there, waiting to care for me once they leave.
“I’ll get freshened up and press the call light when I’m ready to start.” I tell Dr. Storms. He nods and taps the end of the bed. Beau leans towards me pulling my lap desk across the bed to sit the tray of items.
“Good morning, beautiful.” He smiles, but I can see how exhausted he is.
It's creeping into his eyes. It might not even be exhaustion, could be worry.
He pulls the side railing down on the side of the bed closest to him and inches closer.
“Just tell me what you want first.” I run him through how I would start.
He is careful to follow my instructions closely.
He helps me brush my teeth, comb my hair, wipe my face clean from sleep, and finishes by pressing a kiss to my lips. “Feel better? Feel fresh?”
I try to swallow the lump in my throat. I bite my lip as my face scrunches, “Much better. I just…”
”No. No, don’t. You are going to be okay, Elowen Briar.
Don’t you dare give up on us. Don’t you dare give up on you.
” Beau presses his hand to the top of mine, although I can’t feel his firm grasp on my skin.
He read my mind before I could even finish my sentence.
Before looking back up into my eyes, he starts to speak again.
“I’m not leaving until you’re okay.” he says to me.
“No matter where they take you. I’ll be here all day. ”
“Will you click the call light for me?” Beau stands to go to the other side of the bed, removing the tray from my lap, cleaning up behind his mess, and presses the call light.
The doctor and team immediately appear. A new nurse checks my bracelet and speaks in a calm voice about transport.
I watch her hands and wish that mine would answer me again.
Beau is going to get bored of waiting. Beau leans in just enough for only me to hear, pretending to kiss me on the head.
His mouth tips at one corner. “Time means nothing to me. The only reason I care about it now is because it brings us closer to answers. Remember that.” he says softly, still allowing his lips to caress my hair before pulling away.
He makes eye contact with me and winks. It’s ridiculous, but it works.
A small laugh escapes me and unties a knot behind my chest.
“Okay,” I whisper. “Okay.” The mind reading will take some time to get used to. I look at Beau again as the nurses work. His expression has settled back into steady. The wink has vanished, but the promise remains.
“I will be just outside until they let me back in,” he says. “If you need me, or just want me closer, say the word.”
My throat tightens. “I will,” I say. The doctor finishes his notes and sets the clipboard aside.
He meets my eyes and lets his voice find a warmer register.
“We’re gathering all the information we need to make a proper diagnosis,” he said.
“We won’t make a half-ass guess. You’ll never be alone in this.
” I nod and try to breathe in a way that makes sense.
In. Out. Count to four. In. Out. Count to four again.
The nurse checks the line at my forearm, unclipping me from the main line to allow us to leave the pole behind.
The tape tugs my skin. I watch her face rather than the tubing. I’m far too queasy to watch the IV.
Another nurse arrives with vials that clink softly in a tray.
She smiles at me with a kindness that doesn’t feel false.
“Just a little more blood before you go,” she says.
“You ready?” I wait for panic to rise and swallow me whole.
It doesn’t, it murmurs at the edges instead.
Beau steps back into the room for a moment, but quickly steps back out.
He’s just as nervous as I am. The first pinch comes and goes, without any sensation.
The vials fill in a slow, dark ribbon. The tray shifts away.
“Good,” the nurse smiles. “You did so well.”
“I forgot that I can’t feel them.” I laugh. The nurse shoots me a soft smile, one that you’d give to a hurt puppy. Not funny?
I catch Beau’s eyes again and he mouths, “You’re very funny.
” Oops. Transport arrives with a soft knock.
A tech in green scrubs greets me by name and explains the route as if I’m about to embark on a sight-seeing tour.
“First, we’ll bring you to imaging. It’ll be noisy there, but we have ways to protect your ears.
” He continues, “We’ll stop by the lab rooms last for that spinal tap.
” Noise sounds easier than silence so, I give him a meek smile and let him steer.
Just before the bed turns out the door, Beau walks to reach the rail. “I will be right in front of every door,” he half-smiles. “I’ll match every hallway you cross.” The tech waits with patient courtesy while we finish our small ritual of promises.
“Go,” I tell Beau. “Try to keep up.”
“A jokester in the face of darkness. I envy you, Elowen Briar.” Beau says out of the corner of his mouth, giving way to his perfect set of teeth.
He’s masking everyone’s reality even now.
I would’ve never even guessed that he had such large fangs hiding right out of sight.
The hall opens wide. Floors gleaming amongst moving carts.
Distant voices layer into soft, practical music.
I watch the ceiling lights slide over me in a measured parade.
Each panel feels like a square of sky cut down to fit.
At the corner, I tilt my head far enough to see one last sliver of him in a mirror. He’s already there, a few paces behind.
Time stretches and then snaps. When the bed moves again, I feel the cool of a different hallway.
Imaging waits somewhere ahead with its metal and its noise.
Everything becomes a sort of a blur as if my mind can no longer keep up with my growing panic.
I close my eyes and picture Beau’s wink and his promises.
The picture of him is the only thing that helps hold me still.
I let the air fill me. I let the fear sit beside me without owning me.
The testing lasts for hours. It’s a long time before I see Beau again. Against my better judgement, when we make it back to my room, I ask him to call Imani. He respects my wishes with ease.
“They said they’d be back with an idea for a plan of care in an hour along with my final diagnosis.
I have a feeling whatever they are about to say is going to change the course of the rest of my life.
” I admit to him, trying not to cry for the hundredth time today.
I attempt to be strong. I picture how Grandma Lise took her cancer diagnosis and how she was so unfazed.
“Elowen, whatever you ask of me, I will do. I’m not going to disrespect you or your wishes.
No matter what they say. I’ll be here when you want me.
” We sit in silence as Beau strokes my hair then rests his head on my lap.
I can’t comfort him back, but he already knows exactly what I’m thinking, feeling, even processing.
Our previous night spent together very well could’ve been my first and last time to ever return his touch.
“I want Imani to be here when they tell me. If you don’t mind, I’ll have her call you once everything is set in place.” I am prepared for the worst. I know whatever they say will be shocking, but in the meantime I am mentally barricading my emotions in.
Around an hour later, Imani runs to my bedside. She breaks down in tears, “God, I hate you for making me worry sick. I love your dumb face.” She leans down to wrap her arms around me, but I can’t embrace her back.
“I’ll go and leave you with her.” Beau speaks to Imani. He glances back at me. I can see the sadness radiating from his body, but I know he won’t push me. “Call me later? Please. That’s all I ask.” I nod my head.
“I’ll update you.” I reply. He walks up to me, leans down, and kisses me on the forehead. When he’s out the door, Imani turns back and glares at me. I tell her everything. Literally. Every detail. Imani sits next to me shell-shocked. By the end of our discussion, she has a million questions.
Right as she goes to speak, there’s a few knocks on the door, “Dr. Storms.”
Imani looks to me to answer, but speaks first, “Come in.”
“Hi. I’m Dr. Storms. I know we’ve met Ms. Boudareaux.
Nice to see you again. The test results are in.
I have unfortunate news, Elowen.” I swallow back my fear in his pause.
He hands Imani some papers. She doesn’t look at them yet, just stares into him, waiting for him to talk.
“Just tell me where you’d like me to start.
I can start with the name of the diagnosis, if you’d like? ” He gestures at me.
”Sure. Go ahead.”
“Elowen, you have what is called ALS, or Lou Gehrig's disease. ALS is an acronym for the name Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. Have you ever heard of it?” My whole body shakes in fear. My mouth drops open.
“I…I have ALS?” I scrunch my nose and press my lips together, trying my best to listen and ask the questions that need to be said. Imani places her hand over mine and wraps our palms together. Although, I can’t feel her touch, the sentiment is endearing.
“Yes. It’s a fatal neurodegenerative disease.
It seems there’s not an ironclad area of age that it appears, but we can guarantee the diagnosis.
You’re a little young for the symptoms, which is why I wanted to run as many tests as possible.
Life expectancy ranges. Your symptoms are progressing pretty fast. I can’t give you a for sure timeline, but it would be best to arrange all of your end of life care. I know this can be…”
Imani cuts him off before he can continue, “How long? Just a guess. How much time do I have left with her?” Imani fights tears, looking through the man as if he gave me ALS himself.
“Not a guarantee, but with complete loss of her arms and hands, I’d say a month? She may have more time. We may not have a cure, but no matter how much time she has left with us, there are plenty of options to keep her comfortable. We can help arrange whatever Elowen wants.”
“I can still see and hear, by the way. You don’t have to talk as if I’m not in the room. I’m the one dying.”
Imani looks at me quickly, tightening her grip on my hand. ”We know. I’m sorry. Do you have any questions? Anything you want to know?” she asks.
“Can I go home now?” It’s the only thing I want.
I want to see my dog. I want to hold him.
I want to sit with Imani and watch TV. I want to binge watch every reality TV show that I’ve been trying to catch up on so we can yap about it.
I want to try five hundred different versions of matcha.
I want to eat bottomless sushi like it’s my last meal because it very well may be.
I want to… I want to live. I can’t imagine what Beau is going to say. Oh my god, my heart pounds inside my chest. I think of a hundred things left unsaid. A hundred things I wanted. At least Genie will be taken care of. Imani still has her Dad. And as for me, I get to see Grandma Lise a lot sooner.
Grandma, I guess I’m coming home.