57. Chapter Fifty-Seven
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Imani Boudareaux
Endless Matcha Mixed With Tears
The transport techs move with the careful choreography of people who do this every day with their gloves, soft voices, and counting as they move.
Elowen’s hospital bed clicks and sighs as they lower the rails, and I stand there uselessly with my keys digging into my palm like I can anchor this moment if I hurt myself enough.
“Okay, Elowen,” one of them says. “We’re just going to help you sit up.
” I open my mouth. Nothing comes out. I have a thousand things to say and none of them fit.
I settle for hovering, hands out, like if she tips I can catch her.
Like gravity gives a singular fuck about my intentions.
They swing her legs over the side of the bed.
Her socks are a bright green with the traction pads on the bottom.
She can walk by herself but needs help moving around and other basic necessities right now where she can’t use her arms or hands.
“I’m right here,” I say, finally, hoping that will make Elowen feel any better.
They guide her into the wheelchair and then toward the exit, the automatic doors yawning open with a pneumatic sigh.
The light from the sun outside is too bright as we step out.
My car is parked crooked along the curb because I didn’t care enough to fix it when I pulled it up a moment ago.
They help her stand again, slow and careful, and then fold her into the passenger seat.
Seatbelt clicks. One of the techs asks if we’re good.
I nod, “Thank you guys. Elowen, do you need anything else from them?” Elowen shakes her head no.
As the gentlemen head back into the hospital, I go to shut her door for her.
Elowen speaks before the door closes. “It’ll be okay, Imani.
” It lands wrong, causing my brain to spiral.
I shut the door, walk around the car on legs that feel borrowed, and sit behind the wheel.
The engine turns over allowing the radio to come on before I slap it back silent again.
We pull away from the curb and the hospital disappears in the rearview mirror.
I grip the wheel until my knuckles ache.
I stare straight ahead because if I look at her, I will start screaming or crying or pull over and refuse to move ever again.
As if stopping what I’m doing will keep her from dying on me.
“Okay?” I say, too loud, the word snapping like a rubber band.
“It’s going to be okay?” The road blurs and my chest is a cage with something feral throwing itself at the bars.
“Elowen, I’m about to lose my best fucking friend.
My soulmate. To an incurable disease. No.
It’s not going to be okay. I’m not okay.
You’re not okay. You don’t have to pretend like this isn’t the worst news of all time. You’re not Lise.”
The car fills with the sound of my breathing, sharp and ugly.
I’m aware, dimly, that I’m going too fast. That there are other cars slowing down around us, but I’m not thinking clearly.
She doesn’t flinch. She doesn’t tell me to calm down.
She just turns toward me as much as the seatbelt allows.
“I know,” she says. “I know.” She continues.
“I’m not saying I’m going to be okay. I said, It's going to be okay. You have to accept that there is nothing we can do.”
I suck in air that feels like glass shards in my lungs, “I can’t do this,” I say. “I can’t be strong. I can’t drive you home and pretend like there’s any sort of life I can live without you by my side, Elowen.”
“Good,” she says softly. “Because I don’t need strong.
I need you by my side. You can hate the universe.
You can hate the doctors. You can curse science or environmental factors.
You can be so fucking mad that you can’t see clearly.
At the end of the day, I just don’t want to be alone when I go.
” The light turns red. I stop too hard and my head drops forward until it rests against the steering wheel.
The vinyl cover on it smells like dust and old coffee.
My shoulders shake as I hold back my sob.
“I don’t know what to say,” I whisper.
“Then don’t say anything.” I lift my head to look at her.
Elowen’s face is pale, but her eyes are still hers.
They shine a beautiful green and captivating blue all while holding such strong sharpness, tenderness, and kindness.
She’s alive, sitting here next to me in my vehicle.
That should matter more than anything to me right now.
“I’m scared,” I say. “I’m scared for you.
I’m scared for me. I’m scared of who I’ll become without you.
” The light turns green and we continue to drive.
I slow the vehicle down and don’t speed like I had been.
That’s not fair to Elowen. I need to worry about her right now.
Not myself. I’m being so selfish. I’m angry and taking it out on her. I’m a bitch.
“So am I, but it’s going to be okay, Mon-Mon.
” That’s it. That’s the truth. It sits between us, heavy and honest, and for the first time since this morning I don’t feel like I’m free-falling alone.
She knows exactly what I’m feeling. She’s my best friend after all.
I pay attention to her needs more after I get all of my feelings off my chest. I need to be there for her.
“What’s your favorite coffee shop in this area?
We’ll stop before we swing by to pick up Genie.
” Matcha. That’s what she needs. She hasn’t mentioned Beau so I don’t press her on the topic.
I can’t imagine what he’ll say. He’ll probably lose it and try to kill half the neighborhood in rage.
Knowing now that he’s a vampire, that kind of changes my whole perspective on him.
It’s evident that he loves her. I understand why he let me beat up on him because he truly felt like her leaving in a hurry was his fault.
He couldn’t just run after her. He was in a life or death fight with that nobody bitch named Kalevala.
I glance over to Elowen to see if she’s in the mood for a drink.
“You can surprise me. Just any matcha. I’m just ready to be home with Genie.
Not sure how he’ll react to my sudden lack of ability in my arms and hands, but he’ll figure it out.
” The last word of her sentence comes out slightly choked.
She loves that damn dog more than anything else.
Even now, she’s worried about him being confused. Not anything about herself.
I decide against my better judgement to go ahead and ask about Beau. “Hey, El.”
“Yeah?” She looks over at me.
“Do you want me to update Beau? As much as I hate the guy right now, my feelings aren’t important. What do you want to do?” Silence stretches for what seems like an eternity between us. Elowen glances out the window, watching the trees pass, and the pond near her house comes into view.
“I…I’m not sure, yet. I don’t know if I’m ready to end things with him.”
“End things?”
“I’m dying, Mon. I don’t want him to watch me die. I think I’ll just lie to him. Not tell him that it’s fatal. I have to be cruel. Tell him that I never want to see him again. Break his heart and hope it’s believable enough.”
“Elowen. No. You can’t do that. If you…If you love him, let him be there for you.”
“Damn it, Imani. Shut up.” Elowen screams at me, tears streaming down her face.
My face contorts to shock, as I’ve never heard her raise her voice at me.
“I can’t even use my hands. I can’t touch him.
Soon, I’ll lose my ability to walk. I can’t fucking feed myself.
Do you really think he will enjoy watching me lay in the bed as every ability is taken from me?
I can’t even take myself to the fucking bathroom.
I refuse to let him see me like that.” As she closes her admission, it dawns on me.
She’s right. Who knows if he can handle something like that?
If in the end, he wouldn’t end up making her just feel worse by ghosting or leaving without notice.
All that time will have been wasted, praying for him to show up for her.
Sure, he stayed at the hospital, but that doesn’t guarantee anything else.
“I’m sorry. I won’t ask again.” We pull into the drive thru and I order Elowen’s regular iced matcha order.
After I pay at the second window, the lady hands our drinks through.
I go to hand Elowen’s order to her and realize she can’t hold it.
I pull over into a parking spot nearby and prep her drink in the cupholder.
Elowen is crying, looking out the opposite window away from me.
“Just…Just tell me when you want a drink. No shame. It’s me and you, babe. You have nothing to be embarrassed of.”
She cries through her speech, “I know. I’ll tell you when I’m ready for a sip.” We drive down the road to pick up Genie and I turn the radio back on. Turning the dial to a station that Elowen would actually like to listen to, she lightly sings along in the background.
I feel bad for her. I feel bad for Genie. I surprisingly feel bad for Beau.