58. Chapter Fifty-Eight
Chapter Fifty-Eight
Elowen Briar
Poor Regina and Imani’s Bold Faced Lie
Imani parks crooked in the driveway like the ground is tilting and the house has decided to lean away from us. The engine cuts allowing silence to rush in too fast. My phone vibrates again in my lap. The screen is face up so I don’t have to ask Imani to flip it over for me to see.
Beau Drewitt Is Calling….
Five missed phone calls from Beau Drewitt.
He calls again and again like if he rings enough times, I’ll still be the version of myself that he knew just a few days ago. Imani exhales and says my name softly, “Elowen.”
I shake my head no and begin to cry for the hundredth time today.
I made my decision. I have to end it. I have to swear him off before I can’t take care of myself at all.
He deserves more than me. “I’m here,” I say.
I think it comes out convincing enough for Imani to believe that I’m alright enough to leave alone unattended in the car.
She goes around the front of the car, keys jangling, shoulders tight.
I watch her unlock the door to the house and disappear inside for a moment, leaving me and Genie in the car.
The sky is darkening fast now, the kind of blue that bruises into the night.
Genie whines, nails clicking against the seat. “It’s okay,” I tell him. “She’s coming back. She’ll let you out so soon, baby.” My phone lights up again.
Beau Drewitt Is Calling…..
Six missed phone calls from Beau Drewitt.
The vibration feels louder in the quiet.
I can’t flip the phone face down or send the phone call to voicemail so I let it ring out in my lap.
Imani comes back out and opens the back door.
Genie launches himself past her like a bullet, joy and relief and blind faith all wrapped up in fur.
I almost smile. I knew seeing Genie would heighten my spirits for a moment at least.
Across the yard Regina is standing on her porch next door, arms crossed over her robe, curiosity written all over her face.
“Everything alright?” she shouts. I feel it before I see it.
Imani turns to me on instinct, waiting to see if I want her to answer honestly.
I shake my head, telling her no. She understands that I’m not ready to share my diagnosis with anyone yet.
It’s bad enough that I have to call my job soon and quit.
A line of things stand in my way to plan for the end of my life. Quitting my job is object number one.
Imani pauses, then lifts her voice. “Yeah, all good over here! That fender bender has her quite shaken up. Gonna help her inside so she can rest. I’ll be off for a few days to take care of her. Thanks for watching Genie when you did. Really.”
Regina blows Imani a kiss and waves her off. “Anytime, honey.” She disappears back inside her house like nothing in the world has changed.
My phone vibrates again.
Beau Drewitt Is Calling….
Seven missed phone calls from Beau Drewitt.
He’s going to call until I pick up. I might as well tell Imani to toss my phone in the trash at this point.
It’s not like I can use it. I close my eyes, attempting not to cry.
The guilt presses into me. He knows something is wrong.
He can sense the lack of honesty due to the phone coverage between Imani and him.
I can’t imagine how many times he’s tried to call Imani by now to start calling my phone instead.
He just doesn’t know how wrong everything is, yet.
Imani comes back to my door and opens it carefully, like I might shatter if she does it too fast. She takes my phone and places it in her back pocket. She offers me her hand, before quickly pulling it back and realizing she needs to help adjust me to the edge of her seat so I can swing out.
“Okay,” she says. “We got this, El.” I swing my legs out.
The ground feels farther away than it should be.
When I stand, my body wobbles, traitorous and weak, and I instinctively go to grab onto her before remembering I can’t.
She wraps her arms around me and steadies me back up.
“I’ve got you,” she says. And I believe her. “Your phone is buzzing.”
“I should answer eventually probably,” I whisper.
“Not yet,” she says gently. “Not until you’re ready.
” I nod and let her guide me, one careful step at a time, up the walkway and toward the door.
The porch light flicks on, bright and unforgiving.
Inside the house smells like home and dog and something familiar I can’t name without crying.
I step over the threshold with Imani holding my weight, her being over careful that if she lets go I’ll fall and won’t be able to brace myself with my hands.
I appreciate her determination to protect me.
The night settles fully behind us.
I decide against calling tonight to the office.
I’ll call tomorrow and give them the news.
Imani orders sushi, my favorite rolls, and tells David that she and I want to meet for lunch tomorrow here at my place.
That’s when I’ll tell him. Tell him that I’m dying.
Imani is laid back on the couch. I’m laying between Imani’s legs resting my head back on her chest and Genie is asleep at my feet. This is what home is.
It’s right before ten p.m. when both Imani and I doze off on the couch. A loud banging sounds at the door, awakening us both. Genie rushes to the door and Imani lifts me up so she can get off the couch, “I’ll be back.” She places a pillow behind me so I can sit up against the arm of the couch.
“Where is she, Imani? I know you brought her back here.” I hear Beau’s deep voice sound at the door. I glance over at my phone and it’s already lit up on the table. I have over one hundred and fifty missed calls from Beau. No wonder he’s at the door.
Imani doesn’t answer him right away. “Beau,” she says. “You can’t just show up like this.”
“I can,” he snaps. “Because she won’t answer her phone.
I was supposed to be kept in the loop. Because something’s wrong and you both already know whatever it is.
Where is she, Imani? I know you brought her back here.
” Beau growls. Genie is standing next to her wondering why Beau hasn’t stepped inside yet.
My heart starts beating so hard it makes my vision blur.
I can’t do anything but just sit here and stare.
Imani turns from the door and looks at me.
Not protective now, nor decisive. She looks at me like this is my choice, like she’s handing control back even though we both know I barely have any left.
“Do you want me to let him in?” she asks quietly.
I should say no. I should ask for her to slam the door in his face and hope that’s warning enough to stay away.
I should buy myself one more night where Beau Drewitt still believes in a future that includes me.
But he’s already here. I’m not surprised that he’s begging to be let in after promising that I would keep him informed.
He has no idea that I’m about to let him go.
I nod at Imani, signaling for her to let him inside.
Imani opens the door more so Beau can step through.
Beau pushes past her like a storm given a body, but still patting Genie on the head as he passes.
His eyes find me instantly: wild, bright, and terrified.
He crosses the room in seconds and drops to his knees in front of me, hands hovering like he’s afraid to touch and afraid not to.
“What happened?” he says, words tumbling over each other. “Why are you home? Why didn’t you answer? What did they tell you? Elowen, look at me. Please.”
I look at him. God help me, I look at him.
His hair is a mess. His shirt is still wrinkled from wearing the same one for the past two days.
His face is wrecked with worry, love, and the certainty that I am his.
Seeing it makes something inside me fracture clean in two.
“I tried not to,” I say, and my voice is already breaking. “I tried not to let you come.”
“Let me come here?” he says. “What are you talking about? What happened, Elowen? Tell me what they said.”
Imani steps outside, giving us space, but I still feel her there like a wall behind me. Genie presses against Beau and lays his paw on my feet, warm and solid.
“I can’t do this,” I say. “I can’t watch you figure it out on your own.” Beau’s hands finally settle on my knees with a gentle reverence. Like he’s grounding himself using my touch.
“Mi tesoro,” he says softly. “You’re scaring me.”
The words burst out of me before I can stop them.
Like my body decides for me. “I’m dying, Beau.
I have…I have ALS.” The room goes dead quiet.
Not a thing in my house makes a sound. Genie even stills in the moment.
Beau blinks once. Then again. Like the words don’t land right.
His brain refuses to translate them into meaning.
“No,” he says and I can read every emotion on his face.“No, you don’t.” He’s in shock. He’s mad. He’s in disbelief.
“I am dying, Beau,” I say. “They confirmed it today.”
“That’s not,” he starts, then stops. He shakes his head hard, like he’s trying to physically throw the thought away. “That’s not what this is. That’s not… Elowen, that’s a mistake.”
“I wish it was,” I say. His hands tighten on my legs, not hurting, just desperate.
His breathing goes uneven. “That’s,” he tries again. “That’s a death sentence. ALS will kill you. You can’t die. You can’t…leave me?”
I nod. “I know. I wish I didn’t have to.” He stares at me like he’s never seen me before.
“How long?” he whispers.
“I don’t know,” I say. “Not exactly. They said maybe a month? Maybe less. Maybe more.” He drops his forehead to my knees, shoulders shaking. I feel it all at once. His grief, fear, and refusal are all binding together in front of me.
“I should’ve been there,” he says. “I should’ve been with you.”
“I didn’t want you to see me like that,” I say. “I didn’t want you to hear it in a room and be haunted by it for the rest of your life. Beau, you deserve more than me.”
He lifts his head and looks at me again, eyes glassy, furious, and full of love. “You don’t get to decide that alone,” he says. “You don’t get to decide that you’re not enough for me. That’s my decision.”
Tears spill down my face, hot and unstoppable. “I…I thought that I could tell you to stay away from me. That I could keep you from watching me deteriorate," I admit. “Push you away so you don’t have to suffer through watching me lose pieces of myself.”
His hands come up to my face then, firm and certain, thumbs brushing my cheeks.
“Absolutely not,” he says. “You’re not doing this without me.
You hear me? You don’t get sick and try to disappear.
Leave me behind? Are you kidding me, Elowen Briar?
I love you, damn it. I fucking love you.
You are the reason I’m here. And since the world is already taking pieces of you, then it’s going to have to take them from me too, because every day I have left is yours, and I will love you all the way through the end of this life and into whatever comes after, even if it breaks me to do it. ”
“I love you, Beau Drewitt.” He pulls into me, kissing me like the last breath of the universe is held between us.
Deep down though, I know that watching me fall apart is truly going to be his downfall.
I love him. I love him just the same as he loves me, but if I can preserve what good is in him, he can use that to change the world.
Vampire or not. I won’t let his genuine soul be ruined with loss the way mine has.
I refuse to let him go down with me, but I don’t know how to let him go.
I don’t know what to say so he’ll let me go.
Imani steps back inside the house and clears her throat softly behind us.
Not interrupting. Just announcing her presence.
Genie sits watching Beau embrace me. Beau doesn’t look away from me.
“We’ll figure this out,” he says. “I don’t care how ugly it gets.
I don’t care how scared you are. I’m here.
” I want to believe him, but all I can think is how cruel it feels to let him promise himself to a future that will only break him.
And still, when he pulls me into his chest and holds me like I’m not already slipping through his fingers, I can’t push him away.
He speaks into my neck as he holds me, “I don’t know why I’m still here, Elowen.
I have no idea why I didn’t die when I was supposed to.
I do know one thing though, if the only reason I’m still here is to make sure that you’re happy in the world…
That’s good enough for me. Your presence and joy is plenty enough reason for me to still be here.
Alive. Un-dead. Fucking supernatural. I don’t care.
You are enough for me and I’ll do everything in my power to make you happy until you’re no longer with me.
Do you understand that?” I pull my head back and nod, tears still flowing from both of our eyes.
And maybe he does get it, but I don’t think it’ll click until the disease takes more from me than he anticipated seeing first hand.