Chapter 6
Spencer did not expect to feel guilt at what he had done, but looking at his wife as her face was illuminated by the firelight, he began to wonder if he should have.
He regretted not claiming her on their wedding night.
He could not pretend that he did not find her ravishing, and the temptation was overwhelming, and that was precisely why he had to maintain a coldness toward her.
He could not allow his lustful thoughts of her lying bare beneath him to cloud his judgment.
Even if they were the most incredible thoughts.
He had expected, as he traveled there, to find the estate in complete disrepair.
He thought that she would have ruined everything, and though he had thought about it, he had been unable to do anything about it.
Seeing that she had been perfectly fine alone gave him a sense of pride in her, if anything.
He had chosen the perfect wife for his needs, and that was all that mattered.
“I have been coping,” she replied at last, stepping backward to remove her face from his hand. “And I have done it well, but I will not pretend to be pleased, nor happy that I have had to. I should not have been left alone the way I was.”
“And look, you have done well. You did not need me here, and I would wager that you do not need me now.”
“How much would you be willing to bet?” she muttered, before setting her look upon him again. “Regardless, you disappeared without an explanation. You will not tell me the truth even now, and so I shall have to make my assumptions and have the matter end there.”
She rose to her feet, abandoning her meal too, and left the dining room. Spencer followed after her, placing a hand on her waist without thinking and steering her back into the drawing room.
“Do not walk away from me,” he said firmly. “I do not like it.”
“Then I suppose we both have a dislike of the same thing,” she retorted. “You cannot force me to think of your reasons and then wonder why I am wrong.”
“Well, you are. There is no mistress. You have my word about that.”
“Your word, as it stands, means very little to me.”
”Is that any way to speak to a duke?” he asked. “You need not see me as a husband, for that is what I wanted this marriage to be, but you ought to respect me for who I am.”
“And you should remember what you did, and act accordingly.”
She was fascinating. Even men were known to cower when he used his position in an argument, but she did not seem to care at all.
If anything, it angered her further, which he had to admit was what he wanted.
To see that composed face flush and brighten, to see her dark eyes flare.
She would not disrespect him in his home, even if she thought she had the right to.
“Anna, as a duchess, you must-”
“Stop telling me what I must do!” she snapped. “You have come here after months, and you have seen that I have not completely fallen apart. You can see that I am more than capable of doing what you clearly cannot. That is why you are upset, is it not?”
“I am not upset.”
“You are. You cannot stand that the household is running as it should, and that I have things the way I like, and that even your own friend would agree with me that you were wrong. You did not expect any of it, did you?”
“Perhaps not, but that does not mean I am unhappy about it. I am thrilled that you, in your words, have coped alone.”
“And I should not have had to! I should have a husband who wants to be by my side, even if he does not love me. I am not wrong to say that you have not been a good husband to me.”
He could not even disagree. He had not been a good husband, but it felt like an unfair judgment given that he had never once claimed to be one.
He had made his will known to her, and he had not changed his mind about it.
It was a marriage on paper, one that he respected, and he expected his wife to do the same.
Even if he admitted, she had not agreed to it.
“Then it is just as well that I do not plan to stay long. Soon enough, you will be free to continue living as you like, with your club and your friends and your estates.”
“Why?” she implored. “What did I do? What am I to make you flee this way?”
Spencer clenched his jaw, biting back harsh words. He had been enjoying the pleasant conversation, and he hated that it had gone sour the way that it had. He wanted to enjoy his time with her, as short as he planned for it to be, for he did not intend to return for a long time after.
That was when his eyes fell on her book.
It was pretty, leather-bound, and blue with intricate tooling down the spine. He had never seen it before, nor had he heard of the title, and so he made his way to it, picking it up and studying the cover.
“Please put that down,” she whispered. “Do not read it.”
“Why not?” he asked, grinning. “Are you afraid that I will see what is inside?”
“No, it is mine, and it is private.”
“Do not tell me that it is a guide to poisoning your husband,” he joked, opening it to where she had placed her ribbon.
His hand almost flew to his mouth as he read the page.
“His fingers trembled as they brushed against her bare waist,” he read aloud. “She shuddered beneath him, pleading with him not to stop. He relished in it, before lowering his hand to her–”
“Stop! Please, do not do this. I told you, it is mine.”
“And it is quite a story,” he nodded, eyes scanning the page still. “Is this what you and your friends discuss at that club of yours? It may be of interest to me after all, if that is the case.”
“It may or may not be. In any case, it is no business of yours.”
She reached out for the book, but he took advantage of her short stature and held it above her head, just out of her reach.
“Tell me the truth,” he asked.
“The irony of it,” she huffed, before sitting down in defeat.
“I wish to know,” he continued. “I do not wish to admonish you, but it is fascinating that this is what you ladies do when gentlemen are not looking.”
“You would not believe half of what we say and do,” she laughed nervously.
He sat beside her, looking at her with sincerity. He did not want her to think that he was disappointed. If anything, her taste intrigued him greatly. It seemed that she came to understand that, as she sighed and looked at the ceiling, she was not able to meet his eye.
“Yes, it is what we read,” she confessed. “We always have, though Theodora claims we are above it.”
“But why? You are an intelligent woman. Why do you not spend your time with the many books in the library about literature, or perhaps science? Why this, of all things?”
“Why do gentlemen frequent brothels when they have ladies at home?” she asked, half-accusingly. “It may not make sense, but it is what we do.”
“That is not a reason.”
“Then why do gentlemen do that?” she asked. “Surely there must be a reason for it?”
“It… it is for the adventure, I suppose. I cannot say for certain, for again it is not something that I have ever done, but from what I have heard, it is the thrill of someone new.”
He should not have been discussing the matter with her. It did not matter that she was his wife; it was an improper topic, and he never should have broached it.
And yet, with how she was sitting, he could not keep his eyes away from her cleavage, which rose and fell as she took her steady breaths. She was tempting, terribly so. What would she do if he spoke even more improperly? If he told her what he sought in a woman?
“And here we women remain, confined,” she sighed. “We have nowhere to go, nobody to see, and so we find our thrills in our books. Otherwise, we shall all be left feeling…”
Her voice trailed off, and if Spence was uncertain before, he was then positive that she had realized how improper their conversation was. He could tell then, by her blush, that she had not known another man, for if she had, she would not be so averse to discussing it with her own husband.
It only made him want her more.
“How does it leave you feeling?” he asked, moving closer to her.
“I should not say.”
“Whyever not? There is no shame in expressing your feelings to your husband, after all. You have wanted me to come home, and I can only assume it was to talk to me, if not for more spirited antics.”
She inhaled sharply at that, as though considering it, and he felt a slight thrill at the effect it had on her.
“It leaves us feeling unsatisfied,” she admitted. “We should be treasured, as my dear friend is by her husband, and yet we remain alone. When we have nothing else, we have words, and when I read them, I can– I should not say.”
“You should. I want to know.”
“And you will not be angry with me?”
“I shall bite my tongue if so. I would not ask you something if I could not stomach the answer.”
“Very well. When I read these books, I think about another husband, and I imagine that I am the lady in the story being completely adored. There is a certain delight to it, one that I am yet to find anywhere else.”
She turned to him then, her lips parted slightly, and he could not bear the distance between them. He forced himself to hold back, knowing that he could not allow himself to go too far with her if he planned to leave once again, but it was agony.
“I heard that you were out at all hours,” he whispered. “I thought that you were out seeking… happiness elsewhere.”
“I would never do that. I would never break the vows I made, whether you ever cared to uphold them or not. Our marriage might be in name only, but I would never diminish myself in such a manner.”
“Nor would I, as I have already told you.”
“I want to believe you. But how can I when you disappear without a word?”
She turned away, sitting upright and folding her hands in her lap. There was a tension in her that was not there before, and he wondered if it was because she wished to tell him something truly wicked. When she began to tremble, however, he was forced to think again.
“If I tell you something,” she said shakily, “do you promise not to blame me for it?”
“That depends on whether or not it was your fault,” he replied, “but I shall not be angry with you. I will simply appreciate your honesty, if that is what you need.”
“Very well,” she said, trying to steady herself. “Is it true that you have a cousin named Sir Walter Gale?”
“Indeed. He is a good man, one whom I tend to trust. Why do you ask?”
He saw the way she stiffened, her eyes widening slightly, but he did not mention it. He did not want to make her feel as though she had to hide anything, and pushing her was an easy way to do that.
“Well, I do not mean to wound your pride,” she said, laughing emptily, “but I did not go through that scheme of mine just to make you come home as I was lonely. Truly, I had begun to consider that you would never come home, and I had made my peace with it as much as I could. I would have let you remain where you were if it were not for–”
She paused, shaking her head slightly before continuing.
“If it were not for a visit from your cousin. He notified me of a stipulation in your title deeds.”
Spencer leaned forward, and at last she looked him in the eye. From what he knew, there were no conditions other than the usual ones, and though absent, he had not done anything deserving of having his title stripped from him. He would not risk his family like that.
“Do continue,” he pressed at last.
“He claims that, with you being absent from your duties for a year, our estates will be decided among trustees.”
“Of which he is one,” Spencer nodded. “I shall thank him for bringing it to our attention. It is as I told you, he is a good man.”
She remained ill at ease, but he decided it was simply because it was a difficult thing to tell him. It was a difficult thing to hear, too; he never would have assumed that his absence could have been so detrimental to his wife, not to mention his estate altogether.
“I apologize, for what it is worth,” she said softly. “I know that I was inappropriate with my actions, but I was desperate. I needed you to come home, not because I am a selfish wife that wants your attention, but because you are needed here.”
“And I will handle all of this. I am pleased that you have told me, and now I can do something to fix it.”
“What will you do?”
“I do not know yet,” he replied, standing. “In any case, it is not your concern. It is a man’s duty, and so I will do what I must to ensure it is settled. He said it came into effect after a year, yes?”
“Indeed. It would also seem that you were aware of it.”
“I may have been. Even if I was, it was not as though I could help matters. There was an emergency, Anna.”
“This is an emergency, in case you have forgotten. What could be more important than protecting your family?”
“It is all that I have ever done,” he snapped. “Why do you think I have returned?”
“I would have hoped that—it does not matter.”
She left him, and Spencer wondered if she wanted him to follow after her, but he was not going to do that. Frankly, he preferred not having to talk to her about the matter at all, for no good would ever come of it.
He had to find a way to leave again. He had to get away, and he had sworn that it would be soon, but with all that was happening, that would be far more difficult than expected.
And, he had to admit, a far greater part of that problem was down to the attraction he felt toward the woman he had abandoned.