Chapter 7
“Ido not understand him.”
Evelina and Theodora exchanged glances, then looked back at her. Anna, meanwhile, stirred her tea and tried to make sense of everything.
It was the day after her last conversation with Spencer, and the day after she had felt that same attraction to him again.
She did not want to feel it. She wanted to be furious with him, but that was not possible.
No matter how hard she tried. “I do not think that he understands himself,” Evelina considered.
“The only one of us that would have even the slightest idea is Maria, but she is busy with her children today, so you only have the two of us for guidance.”
“And I am grateful for you both. I feel as though we are making progress, but then there are moments when he treats me as though I am inadequate. I have no idea where I stand in my marriage or even in my home.”
“The two of you have been apart for a long time,” Theodora explained.
“You are bound to have these difficulties at first. Whether he likes it or not, you have been in charge of the household, and he has had no part in it. He is a man, though, which means that he will inevitably want that power back.”
“And he is welcome to it. I would have liked for him to be charged with it all from the start. Then again, we may now lose everything, and the fault will be his entirely. If it were not for him, we would be in far better standing.”
Anna took a tentative sip of her tea, and it burned her slightly. She did not care, however, and rather enjoyed the sensation as she drank. It reminded her of the brandy she found in her home shortly after Spencer had left, and the relief it brought her.
“And then there is the matter of the mistress,” Evelina grimaced. “My husband had several of those, but I was pleased about that. It meant that he had no interest in me.”
“And yet, he claims not to have one, and in spite of everything, I believe him.”
Her friends were shocked at that, and Anna was no better herself. She never would have expected to take him at his word as she had, but he had spoken with such conviction that she could not accept that he might have been dishonest.
If he was so believable as he lied through his teeth, she would only be terrified of him.
“Then where has he been?” Evelina asked.
“I do not know, and he will not tell me. Truthfully, I have no idea what he wants, nor why he married me, nor how long he will stay this time, or what he expects from me.”
“Your silence, I assume.”
“I tend to agree with you there,” she sighed. “He has made so many suggestions that I have become more proper, and I do not understand it. He is the one who has not fulfilled his duty to me as a husband. Why does he expect perfection from me?”
“Because,” Theodora said in a matter-of-fact tone, “when you inevitably fail, for perfection is impossible, he can feel better about his own shortcomings.”
“You do not like him, do you?”
“I cannot say, for I have not met him. He certainly did not seem too willing to meet us.”
Anna considered the way Spencer thought of them—bluestocking spinsters that hated men and loved causing scandal—and bit back a smile. Her friends were not precisely like that, but to say that they were always proper ladies was not completely truthful either.
“He will be more amenable to it now, I believe,” she assured her. “He is not the most sociable man, I have noticed. He does have one friend, though. The Duke of Hawthorne.”
Evelina almost dropped the teapot as she poured herself a cup.
“He does not consider that man a friend, surely?”
“He does indeed. I am as surprised as you, given his need for rules, but it appears that we are wrong about him.”
“I am never wrong about a man,” Evelina said proudly. “It is an instinct of mine, as you know.”
“In that case, what do you think of my husband?”
Evelina sat in thought for a moment, and Anna wondered what she would say. She would be honest, and painfully so, but she would have to be delicate with her words if she did not like him; whether he was a good man or not, he was Anna’s husband, and there was no changing that.
“I think that he is a good man,” she said at last. “Misguided, but from what I saw of him at the celebration, he does not seem particularly awful.”
“My husband is not particularly awful,” Anna replied, with mock glee. “What a fortunate lady I am.”
“Well, what do you think of him?”
“I hardly know anything about him! The only truly fond memory I have of him is our wedding day. I stumbled, and I knocked a beautiful crystal vase over. It must have cost a fortune, but he did not care. His instinct was to steady me, and in spite of our arrangement, I thought we might have been able to fall in love. It was foolish of me, but I truly– I thought that I could change his mind.”
“That was your first mistake,” Theodora replied. “You cannot change a man, for they never change.”
“That is not true,” Evelina argued. “Damien changed, after all.”
“He is an exception,” Theodora reminded her. “We were all in agreement at the time, in case you have forgotten.”
“Yes, well, I had not met Anna’s husband then. I am telling you, there is more to him than we might expect.”
In spite of everything, Anna felt a spark of optimism at her friend’s words. Evelina had never led her astray, and so if she believed in Spencer, then Anna could do the same.
And yet, she was reluctant. It was never going to be easy to forgive him after everything that had happened, but she wished that it was. She wanted to have her husband with her, just as she had wanted on her wedding day.
“In any case,” Theodora said firmly, looking directly at Anna, “you are not going to be a lady who simpers and does as her husband says out of fear. You are going to make your wishes known, and you are going to keep to them.”
And, in spite of how often the sisters disagreed with one another, Evelina nodded along. Anna knew that it was true, and that she had to make herself known rather than have her husband expect that she would do what he wanted, but it unnerved her greatly.
She had taken great pains to have him return, and he could easily walk away again, even with the threat against the estate.
But Anna did not want to think about it any longer. She wanted to have some return to normalcy, an escape from everything that was happening to her. She was tired of it, and it had only been a few days.
“And when might you both find husbands of your own?” she asked. “I expect that wonderful intuition of yours will be of great use, Evelina.”
Her friend laughed warmly, shaking her head.
“I was a wife once,” she sighed. “I do not have any interest in being one again. I am pleased enough with my role as a dowager, and if that never changes, then I shall be quite content.”
“And,” Theodora added, “seeing how men can be, I shall gladly do what I must to avoid such a fate. You make the best of your situation, and it is admirable, but I could not do that. I am perfectly happy to be the sister of a dowager. It is a wonderful life.”
Evelina did not seem to think so. Anna understood; at least as a widow, she was afforded some protections, but Theodora was at the mercy of their father, and though Anna did not know him well, she had heard enough to know that he was not someone particularly likable, nor someone that she would have liked to live with.
She thought about that when she returned home.
Her husband was not perfect, not by any means, but she was not afraid of him.
If anything, the respect he insisted on showing her was infuriating, to say the least. She had been flustered as she told him of her book, but the more she considered it, the more she wished that he were a hero who had come to ravish her.
She pressed the cool back of her hand to her face. She hated how much of an effect he had on her.
The terrace had always been her favorite part of her home.
It allowed the perfect amount of breeze to come through, cooling her without causing a chill.
It was also quiet, which made it the perfect place to sit and think.
It might have made her seem like a madwoman, but she liked to talk to herself aloud.
It was an odd thing to do, but it helped her when she had nobody to talk to.
“Alright,” she muttered, as though speaking to Spencer. “I am going to say this, and you will not like it, but I do not care. I cannot care.”
Her hands clasped, she paced the terrace and tried to imagine what she would say. She needed to make him understand her, and she needed to be firm, but she did not want to anger him.
“I need- no, I deserve, an explanation. As your wife, it is only fair that I– that I know what your plan is, and how we are to handle your cousin and the other trustees. I want to– no, I need to, know what you plan to do with me.”
She sighed, knowing that it was all well and good saying it to herself, but one look from him would be enough to knock the wind from her sails. He was far more handsome than he was when he left, and she could not keep her eyes off of him, which was why she so often looked at the ceiling instead.
“And I will not fall victim to your ridiculous, pretty eyes,” she grumbled.
That was when she heard laughter.
Terrified, she turned to see that he had been sitting around the corner, listening to everything she had said. She wondered how long he had been there, but given the look on his face, he had been there all along.
“What are you doing here?”
“Me?” he asked, pointing to himself with a shocked expression.
He was mocking her, but she understood that she seemed rather ridiculous.
In any case, he had no right to eavesdrop.
He stepped toward her, and she felt her pulse quicken.
It was only made worse when she noticed that he was looking at her chest, but when she went to step away, he placed a warm hand on her waist.
She did not shudder at his touch, nor did she dislike it, which infuriated her. She was supposed to be furious with him, and she was, but she could not deny that she was attracted to him, too.
His eyes lifting to her lips and remaining there did not help.
“Yes, you,” she replied at last. “I was supposed to be here alone.”
“Yes, well, in spite of your fascinating invitation, I am very much alive, and this is my home.”
At least she did not have to worry about finding the right way to tell him what she wanted.
“Well, we may have this house in equal measure, but that does not amount to much,” she challenged. “Last time I checked, there was a condition that you had not fulfilled by leaving this house for a year. It is because of that very same condition that we now might be ruined.”
“And is that why you wanted to say all of that to me?”
“Yes, in my own time.”
“Then you should not have said it aloud, as though you were addressing me.”
Anna bit her lip, hating that he was right.
“I find you intriguing, you know,” he continued. “Sometimes, you give me a withering look that makes me think you truly wish that I had been killed, and then other times you make me feel as though you… want me.”
His hand slowly traveled up her corset, his fingertips gliding along the top of it.
“Then that makes two of us,” she said sternly. “I know what you are doing.”
“Then it is a good thing that I always get what I want,” he grinned, “whether I have pretty eyes or not.”
“You are insufferable.”
“And yet, here you are.”
“Because I wish to know what you want.”
He approached her, his hand lowering to take her skirt into his hand.
He played with the fabric, her heartbeat quickening at the thought of his hand so perilously close to her thighs.
All that he would have to do is press, and he would be touching her, and she tried to tell herself that that was not what she wanted.
But it was. It was, it was, it was.
“Right now,” he said in a low voice, “all that I truly want is you out of this gown.”
Her clever words left her, and she stood mute. She did not dare move, for if she tried to, she was positive that she would collapse. He had tremendous power over her, whether she liked it or not, and she had to admit that she truly did like it.
“To change it, of course,” he added. “We are to attend a ball tonight.”
The moment was ruined, and her pulse returned to normal for a moment before it increased again. She swallowed, pulling herself back to what he had said. They were to attend a ball, and she was not at all prepared for that.
He was still smiling at her, and she could not bear it. He knew what he was doing to her, and she wanted more than anything for it not to work. She wanted to smile back at him and prove him wrong, but she could not.
And so, she left wordlessly to prepare for the ball.
She descended the staircase that evening in a deep green gown, heavy and expensive. It was her favorite, and she had been waiting for the perfect moment to wear it out in society. Spencer gave her a nod of approval, and she tried to ignore the happiness it brought her.
As they traveled, however, Anna knew that they needed to talk. His instruction to dress for the evening was no more than a way to distract her from the conversation, and even she knew that.
“We cannot keep postponing our discussion,” she said as the carriage rumbled along. “I need answers, and I need to know what we are going to do about all of this.”
“I told you that it is none of your concern.”
“And I am telling you that it is.”
At that moment, however, they arrived. Anna turned to leave the carriage, but Spencer took her wrist, holding her in place.
“Very well, I will tell you,” he said coolly. “First, however, we must fix the mess you made.”
“And how do you propose that we do that?”
“We will present ourselves as a happy, united couple, and make everyone believe that everything is fine,” he explained. “We will make them believe that there is nothing wrong with our family.”
He let her go, and they made their way inside, but his words echoed in her mind. He referred to her as his family, something she had always wanted.
And yet, what she thought of more than anything was how incredible he felt pressing into her.