Chapter 12
In spite of himself, Spencer found that he rather liked his wife’s friends.
They were very different from other ladies he had met, but he appreciated the fact that they were not in agreement with everything that he said simply because of his title.
It helped, of course, that one was a duchess herself, but the other two were perfectly fine, too.
One of them even seemed to interrogate him, and perhaps he should have taken offence to that, but he could not.
He was rather deserving of it, he reasoned.
The following morning, he thought it would be a good time to tell Anna what had happened, for he had been scarce after their meeting.
He wanted her to enjoy her company, but he had missed her presence more than he dared to admit.
He knocked on her door, and she opened it, wearing her sleeping gown, her hair not yet done, and her eyes not yet awake.
She was marvelous.
“Did I wake you?”
“You may have,” she replied, leaning on her door. “That is my fault. I should have been dressed by now.”
“I am not complaining. I wanted to talk to you about my discussion with Walter yesterday, if you were ready.”
“Give me time to dress. I shall meet you in the dining room for breakfast.”
He nodded, leaving her be. They did not share meals together, but he supposed that one would not hurt, as long as it did not lead to her having any expectations of him.
When she arrived, she was, as always, immaculately dressed, ladylike, and prepared for the day ahead. She looked lovely, but Spencer longed to see her in a mess again. She was most herself then, and that was what he could not help but be drawn to.
“You will be pleased to know that he is no longer a concern to us,” he began as she took some fruit. “I have ensured it.”
“Might you and I discuss something else first?”
He was rather taken aback by the request, but he gestured for her to continue regardless.
“I have been wondering, since your return, what living with you might be like. I do not have anything to compare it to, and so I do not have any assumptions. What I know is that you are yet to make an appearance at dinner, and thus far you have not mentioned–”
She stopped, and he knew what she wanted to say. He was not going to give her an easy way out, however. He wanted to hear her say what she was thinking.
“The sleeping arrangements,” she said at last, causing him to raise an eyebrow.
“I see.”
“And I cannot remain in the dark about this anymore. I have been waiting for you to discuss this with me yourself, but I cannot wait any longer. I am your wife, and I deserve to know your position on such things, as well as your expectations for our marriage.”
Spencer thought for a moment and then cleared his throat.
“I have not yet decided what I want from this marriage. I had arranged with your father to have a marriage in name only.”
“Was that so that you could see other women?”
“Not at all. It was so that you could be granted your freedoms if you so chose. I did not think a great deal of your father, and so I wanted to find a way for you to be happy, even in a marriage that I could tell you had no say in.”
“You assumed correctly. I did not even know that I was to be married until the last moment, which I suppose you noticed.”
Spencer blinked. He thought back to their wedding day, where he had thought she was a pleasant enough young lady, but one who was ill at ease. He had assumed it was who she was, but with her confession, it was clear to him that it was because she was unprepared.
“Is that to say you did not know that you were to be a duchess?”
“It is. I did not know until mere days beforehand. I suppose my father was concerned that I would run away, or invite such a scandal that you would no longer want to marry me.”
“For what it is worth, I am glad that you did not.”
“Even with my scandalous book club?”
“I do not mind that you are part of a club at all. I find it admirable that you all meet and dare to speak about things that no one else would. When I see you all speaking about such things, it gives me hope that we might one day progress as a society.”
“And you do not want it to change at all?”
He bristled, knowing that she would not like the truth.
“Well,” he replied carefully, “the only thing that I would suggest is that, as I said at your meeting, you should keep your thoughts within the confines of your club.”
She looked at him, puzzled, and he knew he would have to elaborate.
He did not want to. He was enjoying the quiet comfort that had settled in the week since his return, and he had wanted it to remain.
He did not want to upset his wife, which criticizing her inevitably would, but he also had to think of their position in society, and how fragile it was.
“People are beginning to talk,” he explained. “They hear you all gossiping at events and saying things that they consider outrageous. It does not reflect well on us, and given our current situation, we must think beyond our own entertainment.”
“Why do you care about that now? I have had such a reputation for a while now, and you did not come to tell me as much.”
“Because I was unaware of our situation then. Now that I have seen how we are looked at, it is vital to me that we remedy it, and if that means at least being proper when in company, that is what must be done.”
“Very well. And how shall you be changing?”
He tilted his head, wondering just what she was referring to. He had already changed; he had returned. Other than his need to leave his home as often as he did, he thought that he was an upstanding member of society.
“Do not look at me like that,” she continued. “We both know that you are only here because I did not give you any other choice.”
“Yes, hearing of my own funeral certainly caught my attention, I must say. I will give you your grace for your creativity, and it did indeed bring me back, but that is besides the point. Our circumstances have changed, and that means I must be in charge.”
“You should have done that long ago.”
“I know, and I was careless. I never should have trusted my cousin to the extent that I did, as it gave him enough power to try and seize it all, but that has been mended. However, the last thing the Wutherton name needs is more attention. If we are to win this, I must keep the trustees on our side, and that cannot be done if they do not respect us.”
“Is that to say that you do not think I am worthy of respect?”
“No. Anna, why are you not listening to me? I am making perfectly reasonable demands of you, and pointing out my own flaws while I do so. I am not seeking an argument.”
“No, you simply expect to say what you want and that I will listen and agree, whether I think you are right or not. You want me to forget about the past year, and act like a wife who is truly and deeply loved, even though you and I both know it is not true.”
“I only want you, along with myself, to act civilly and behave as a proper husband and wife should.”
Her accusation hung in the air. She did not feel loved, and he was to blame for that. Even so, Spencer thought, it was not the time for such issues. They had to mend their position in society first, and he did not understand why that was seemingly so unimportant to her.
She laughed bitterly, turning her head away from him.
“It is funny, because this is all I have wanted since our wedding day. I have only ever wanted for you and me to get along, to form a friendship of sorts, at least. I wanted a husband who respected me, both publicly and privately. Instead, what I got was a husband who could not stand the sight of me, so much so that he felt the need to run away altogether.”
He looked at her as she ran her hand through her hair, growing more and more restless with him as they spoke. As she made herself more disheveled, he only wanted her more. He wanted to take her, lay her out, and show her just how he truly felt about her, but it was not the time.
He wanted to find a way to make the time for it, but it was impossible when she had such a tendency to suddenly hate him. He hoped that, once they had settled matters, they could return to how they were when they kissed, for it was in those moments that he had never felt more for a person.
“And I am here now.”
“For how long?” she fired back. “You and I both know that you are waiting for this matter to be resolved so that you can leave again. You are not here for my sake. You are here for yours.”
“For ours,” he corrected her.
“Yes, my mistake. You want me to play family with you, and pretend that you are oh so fond of me, in order to fix the damage that you caused by your own neglect. You might think that this is a brilliant plan, but I do not.”
“It is what must be done.”
“It is insulting! I am not here for you to pick up and then leave at will. I am not meant to wait for you to change your mind as and when it pleases you. I deserve more, and I always have, but you have never cared about that. You have only ever served yourself.”
It was not completely true, but he could not tell her that. He could not refute her words, either, for she was right. The damage had been caused by himself, and even though she had played her own part in it, it was fundamentally his own fault, and it was unfair of him to suggest otherwise.
“I am here now. Anna, I cannot take back what I did, but I can be the man you need me to be while I am here. What do you need from me?”
There was an intense, burning look in her eyes, one that even he was intimidated by, and then it gave way to a withering one. She truly thought so little of him that it seemed she did not even want to argue with him.
“You know,” she laughed emptily, “I spent months hoping that you would come home. I thought that, if I did what any good wife would do, you would see the error of your ways and return. I thought that being good was enough, but it was not. The funeral that I planned was the only thing to catch your attention, the only thing to make you remember that I exist.”
“I never forgot about you–”
“So now, I am left to wonder how to keep your attention, the one thing that I have ever wanted from you. I cannot expect it because we are married, nor can I have it through being good, so I am only left to think that the more scandal I cause, the more attention you will grant me. Perhaps, if I am so loud that you cannot ignore me, you will be forced to care.”
He could see her pain. He knew that he had been wrong to leave her for so long and to never explain his absence. He knew he was wrong even then, for he was continuing to keep the truth from her.
Even so, her words disturbed him. They were not merely the words of a desperate young lady; they were a threat. If she was unhappy, she would make it known to all, and he could not risk that. They had to be careful. They had to ensure that they were respected if they were to keep their position.
“Now that does not seem very mature,” he replied, not knowing what else to say.
It only angered her more.
“Do you want to know what is immature?” she asked. “Hiding things from your wife, not giving her any reason for it, and leaving her when she needed you the most. You are more than happy to say when my actions are unbecoming, but consider your own.”
“I have. What more do you want from me?”
“I want you to listen! I did my part. I married you, not knowing a thing about you, and in doing so, I hoped that you would give me a better life than the one that I was living. Instead, I was abandoned. I want you to hear that, and I want you to realize what you did. I cannot ask for more from you, for I know you would never give it to me.”
He watched as her chest rose and fell as she tried in vain to steady herself. His guilt was immeasurable, and he hated what he had done, but he did not regret it. He could not, given where he had been.
“I am listening,” he said. “I understand that I was wrong, and you have every right to be angry with me, but how will destroying our family name fix that? How will attracting even more censure and ruining us help our situation? You can feel whatever emotions you please, but we cannot act in a manner that risks our livelihoods.”
She was quiet, too quiet, and he did not know what to say to her.
He could not lie to her, and so he could not promise not to leave her again, but he assumed that was precisely the problem.
She wanted him to promise that he would stay, but he could not do that, and so she knew that he planned to leave once more.
“Perhaps this will be a better discussion another time,” he suggested. “Now that we know how one another feels, we can think on it, and talk again when we are calm.”
“I will never be calm about this. You will never understand just what you have done.”
But the worst part was that he already did.