Chapter 15
Spencer had been avoiding his wife, and that was precisely because of how much he wanted her.
There had never been any denying that he was attracted to her, for she was a beautiful lady that he would have noticed even if he had not met her when she was already his bride.
He did not mind feeling that way about her.
The trouble came when he realized that there was more than a passing attraction between them.
He had gone to his greatest friend for advice in that respect, but that was not what happened. Instead, Alexander offered him a drink, which he declined, and grinned.
“I knew it would get you eventually.”
“I do not know what you mean.”
“Yes, you do,” Alexander continued. “You are falling for your wife, and it is terrifying you.”
“I am not. All that I care about is that I will not be here for long, and when I leave, I want to do it in a better way this time.”
“For your wife’s sake, yes?”
“Of course. She does not deserve to be abandoned without warning again. It is unfair.”
“Then why, pray tell, are you leaving?”
Spencer eyed his friend carefully. Alexander knew precisely why Spencer had to leave for so long, and he had always been supportive before.
Since he had returned, however, it had changed.
Suddenly, he seemed to care for Anna as much as Spencer did himself, and he did not know how to feel about that.
“I shall assume you had a lengthy conversation after that ball, in any case,” he continued. “I cannot believe that she did that to your cousin. I never would have expected that from her.”
“I was not surprised, given the reputation she’s created for herself. I had a feeling that something would happen that night.”
“So you were proven correct?”
“No, which was the problem. I had assumed that there would be an issue because of my wife, but it was not her fault at all. It was entirely due to my cousin, and… well, I will not claim to be disappointed in how I handled matters.”
“What do you mean? She threw her drink over the man.”
Spencer then explained what had happened and why she had done it, and watched as his friend’s face fell.
Alexander was not a friend of Walter’s, but he did respect him.
When Spencer explained their meeting and how it had ended with him throwing a punch, Alexander could only give him a nod of approval.
“Removing his role is not enough,” he scoffed. “You ought to have him ruined in society, too.”
“And if it were not his word against my wife’s, I would. Unfortunately, with my reputation, it would not end well for us. I have enough revenge for now. Should he try anything further, I will not let him off so lightly.”
“Nor will I. I admire your wife and how she has been in the last year. I cannot stand the thought of someone hurting her any more than you can.”
There was a sense of comfort in knowing that he had not overreacted. Spencer had worried, at first, that he had taken it too far and that it was a sign that he was falling for Anna after all, but that had to be proof that he was not.
That was what he told himself, at least.
“I also received a letter yesterday,” Spencer explained. “Fortunately, I managed to hide it away before Anna saw it.”
“A letter? Was it a warning from your cousin?”
“It was from Sophia’s friend.”
Alexander fell silent at once, eager for the explanation. Spencer had not wanted to receive it; he wanted to spend his time with his wife, enjoying their time together before he would leave again, and the letter only served as a reminder that that could not happen.
“She says that Sophia is asking after me incessantly, looking most troubled. She is asking when I will return.”
“And how is the boy?”
“Unmentioned, so I can only assume he is well.”
“So she has written to you only to ask when you plan to return to her?”
“It would seem so.”
“And when do you plan to do that? You have only been home for two weeks, and already a letter has arrived. I can only imagine how many more will arrive.”
“As can I, which troubles me greatly. I was hoping to do all of this as smoothly as possible for all involved, but it is not as simple as I hoped.”
“Why, are you afraid that your wife will cause another scandal to summon you home?”
“No,” Spencer replied, realizing that he was being honest.
The truth was that hurting his wife in any way made him feel dreadful, and it simply did not sit right with him. He had to leave eventually; he knew that, but he did not want to hurt Anna in the process.
“Then why are you so concerned? You left her the first time without a care. Nothing has changed since then.”
Spencer could not quite meet his eye.
“Unless there have been changes,” Alexander suggested, “and if there are, you ought to tell me them.”
“I do not think it is wise to do that. It is a delicate matter.”
Alexander’s eyes widened, and he reached out for Spencer’s drink and swallowed it in one gulp.
“Is the marriage consummated?”
“No. No, it is not, but I fear that it may eventually be. I do not know how much longer I can resist her.”
“Perhaps that is for the best? You are happy here, I can see it. If you are enjoying your wife’s company and you feel at home here, then why not stay? Sophia will be fine without you.”
“She would not be, and you know that as well as I do. I do not have the option to leave her and the boy behind, and I must return. My only concern is how I will do that without hurting anyone.”
“I think you know that is impossible,” Alexander said firmly. “So the question, if you do not want to tell your wife the truth, is this: who would you rather hurt?”
Spencer thought about that throughout his journey home.
He knew who he would have to choose in the end.
And it was not his wife, but it made him ache more than he ever would have expected.
He did not want to lie to his wife anymore, nor did he want to speak with her while knowing he was going to walk away eventually.
And yet, he could not change what was to come.
“Did you enjoy your day?” Anna asked at dinner. “You were with the Scarlet Duke, were you not?”
“Do you ladies have a name for all of us?” he asked.
“Only the ones that interest us,” she joked. “I can assume you know why he has such a reputation, at least.”
“Yes, the same reason we all have our reputations. They come from unfounded gossip.”
“I would hardly call it unfounded. He is proud of his title, which is precisely why he remains unmarried. It is what he wants.”
“You speak so unkindly of him. I would not have expected that from you, especially considering he only has good things to say about you.”
Anna paused, her fork halfway to her lips, and smiled.
“You should know that I do not think lowly of him at all. Actually, I think he is a good man, and he and I forged a friendship of sorts during your absence. That is precisely why I feel at ease talking about him like this.”
“Even if you know it is untrue?”
“I cannot confirm nor deny, for he refused to discuss the matter with me. I was not only a lady, but the wife of his friend. He would not answer my questions about it, which I can only take to mean guilt.”
“How so?”
“If he were innocent, he would have said so. I assume that the two of you discussed our– our antics, and you were likely proud of yourself for it, too. I know how men are.”
Spencer wanted to inform her that she was wrong and that he was a gentleman, and therefore kept such intimacies to himself, but, of course, he had not.
It had not happened in the way she expected, with him using their moments as fodder for gossip, or something for his friend to envy, but he had said it all the same.
“Exactly,” she continued when she saw his face. “And there is nothing wrong with it. You know that I am the same with my friends, as it is a titillating topic of conversation.”
It was indeed, and the thought of their antics alone was enough for him to want to continue it, but he held himself back. If he continued to engage in such behaviors with her, it would only make it more difficult to leave.
“Regardless,” she continued, “I have been thinking while you were away.”
“Oh? What about?”
“About us. I realize that I have… hopes that are perhaps not so easy for you to meet, and that I have asked a lot of you very suddenly.”
“You do have the right to, to an extent. You are my wife, after all.”
“Yes, which is precisely what I have been thinking about. It is strange that I am your wife, and yet I do not know much about you. You never courted me, and we never saw one another before the wedding day. I do not think that is conducive to a good match, and it did not help me through your absence. It is difficult to trust a stranger, after all.”
“I can imagine. I suppose it is for that reason that I did not expect you to remain loyal to me.”
“And yet I did. So, Your Grace, I have decided that you can make it up to me and fix your mistake.”
He tensed, hoping that she was not going to ask him to take her traveling, or to stay with her for the rest of his life, because it would only lead to a conversation that he could not have yet. It was not the right time, not when their bond was still so fragile.
“What is it?” he asked.
“Well, I have a deal for you. I will agree to your terms, and I will be the perfect wife. As your proposition dictates, we shall be the perfect couple to the ton, and we will be a happily married family to anyone who sees us. In return, I want you to earn that happiness. I wish to be courted, and wooed, and taken on dates.”
“Is that all? I would have been more than happy to court you to begin with, but your father said it was unnecessary. If I recall correctly, he even said that you had no interest in a courtship. He said you called it no different from a farmer sizing up a pig.”
Anna laughed, and Spencer remembered what she had said about her father. He had not once cared for her best interests, and he only wanted her married off and out of sight.
With that thought came a tremendous guilt. She had been unhappy before she married him, no doubt, for it was impossible to be happy with such a father, and then just as she thought she might have something more, she was abandoned entirely. He hated that he had done it.
He hated more the knowledge that he would inevitably do it again.
And so, he made his decision. If they were to only have a short time together, he would make it the best that he could.
He would be the perfect man, giving her a good experience before he had to go again.
He hoped that they had enough time for him to prove that she was not the problem, so that she would not be too hurt when he left again.
Perhaps, she would even understand.
“Very well,” he nodded. “If it is a courtship you want, then that is what you shall have. Promenades, candy, dances, what do you desire?”
“I believe that is for the man to arrange,” she pointed out. “Fortunately, you should know enough about me by now to know what I will enjoy.”
“And, unfortunately, those in a courtship cannot have the same delights that we have had.”
Her face fell at the reminder. He was only teasing her, even if he knew he would have to refrain from such activity if he could help it. Before he could think too much on that, however, she abandoned her meal and made her way to him, sitting in his lap and leaning into his ear.
“Then perhaps,” she whispered. “I should remind you of who I am, and who I belong to.”
He hoped that the skirts of her gown were thick enough that she would not notice the immediate effect that such words had on him.
She pulled away, wide-eyed, and he wished that she were not so alluring. He wished he had found her repulsive, so that he could do what was necessary. He did not, of course. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and he had thought that since the day they had met.
That was why he had been so surprised that she seemed to only want him. She could have had any man she wanted, and it was clear that they wanted her, too, but she had refused them each time. All she wanted was her husband, and in return, what had he given her?
“I already know,” he said in a gentle voice, his hands resting on her hips. “You are my wife. You belong to me.”
She giggled, climbing off of him and returning to her seat. She proceeded to eat her dinner as if nothing had happened, but her smile remained throughout. He envied the way she was happy without the shadow of guilt coming the way it did to him. But he only had himself to blame for that.
He had another impossible night, where he tried in vain to fall asleep until he physically could not remain awake any longer and succumbed to it.
As was often the case, he did not dream of anything, either.
He simply closed his eyes and then opened them again, exhausted even though he had only just woken up.
He made his way to breakfast and saw that Anna was on her way there too. She was not dressed, having remained in her nightgown just as he liked. It appeared that, with him trying to be a good husband, she was more than willing to reciprocate it, doing whatever she could to please him.
And it was eating him up inside.