Chapter 22
In spite of everything, Anna thought that Spencer would write to her.
She wished that he did not have to leave, but she understood why he had no choice. She remembered, though vaguely, how her life changed when her mother was unwell, and she knew it was important that anyone who could help did so.
But it did not make it easier to walk through her home.
The first time Spencer left, it was not as though she had any memories of the place, but she could no longer see it the same way.
The dining room reminded her of the meals they had shared, the drawing room reminded her of the books he brought to her and her friends, the first sign that he cared for her passions.
And she could not set foot in the parlor room at all.
“Are you alright?” Mrs. Phillips asked as they passed one another in the hallway.
“How else can I be? My husband has disappeared again, and I do not know when he will return.”
“Well, at least we know that it will not be a year this time.”
“He says it will not. He has not precisely proved his trustworthiness. I suppose I ought to be pleased about that, yes? I have been abandoned once more, but at least it will not be for an entire year, lest he risk losing his title.”
“I do not mean that he will want to keep his title. He will not like your absence. I would say that he will not be away for more than a month.”
Anna wished that she shared in her housekeeper’s certainty. She wanted to believe that her husband would want to return to her and would do so as quickly as he could, but she knew what had happened before. Whatever was in the north, it was more important to Spencer than she was.
And she was left to handle the aftermath again.
“I cannot do it,” she said quietly. “I cannot wait until he decides to come home again, and I cannot sit here waiting for him. I need to leave for a while.”
“And what of the household affairs?”
“They are not my concern. If they go unhandled, then His Grace can come and take care of them. I, meanwhile, will see my friends and act as a widow once again.”
“But Your Grace,” Mrs. Phillips reasoned, “are you certain that this is what you want? So much has changed, and I do not want you both to regress after you have tried so hard to know one another.”
“I do not want that either. I wanted my husband and me to be with one another, to be—” Her voice broke.
”But he has other ideas, and I cannot stop him.
I also cannot bring myself to look at the home that we shared for a month and pretend that I do not care that he has somewhere that he would rather be. ”
Her mind made up, she prepared to leave.
She did not know how long she would be gone, but she was still a Duchess, in name at least. She could arrange for more things to be brought to her.
Within the hour, she was traveling to Evelina’s home, dreading the conversation that she would have with Theodora if she were there.
And, of course, she was.
“Anna!” Evelina exclaimed when she met her in the drawing room. “I was not expecting you. Did you tell Theodora?”
Theodora then appeared in the doorway, and Anna knew she could see through her.
“No, I did not. Pardon my intrusion, but I needed to see you both.”
“He has left again, yes?” Theodora asked, entering the room. “I can see it in your eyes.”
“Theodora,” Evelina snapped. “Do not be so cruel.”
“She has every right to be,” Anna sighed, crumpling onto a settee. “She told me only yesterday that this would happen, and I swore that it would not, and yet it already has. He left this morning, returning to the north with no plan to return.”
She expected her younger friend to be righteous, telling her that it was precisely what she had expected, but she did not. Instead, both of them sat on either side of her and leaned against her comfortingly.
“I did not want to be right,” Theodora said softly. “I wanted to be proven wrong, for I cannot stand seeing you like this.”
“I cannot claim to like feeling this way, but I will not pretend that I did not expect it. Spencer knows how I feel for him, and he has left regardless. I thought that he cared for me, but it is clear that he does not.”
“I do not believe that,” Evelina said firmly. “If he did not, he would not have brought those books, nor would he be so… attentive with you.”
“Men will do all sorts of things for such an outcome. It would seem that he has gotten what he wanted, and so it is no surprise that he was so willing to leave. He did not even want me to accompany him, which can only mean that there is something he is hiding there.”
“It is family, is it not?”
“That is what he told me, but now I do not know what to believe.”
She tilted her head back, looking at the intricate patterns in the ceiling.
It was a welcome distraction; anything to keep her from thinking of Spencer.
The moments of pleasure, the warmth of their rare shared smiles…
she wanted her mind empty, and if examining the ceiling would empty it for her, that was exactly what she would do.
“I shall send for tea,” Theodora said suddenly. “With extra sandwiches, for I imagine that you have not yet eaten today.”
Anna thanked her, grateful that her friends knew her as well as they did. Once they were alone, she knew that Evelina would want to impart her wisdom, and she was more than happy to accept it.
“You have changed,” Evelina said instead.
“What do you mean?” she asked, sitting forward again.
“Well, in all of the time that I have known you, you have been sure of yourself. You have never doubted a single move that you made, even if it was not the best idea. I have had to talk you out of so many ridiculous things, for each time you have been certain that you knew best, and that you knew what to do.”
“And now I do not know anything. Is that what you mean to say?”
“No, I am trying to say that you are uncertain. You know even more now than you did before, which is why I do not understand why you are doing this to yourself. You know what is best for you.”
“Yes, but I do not like it. I know that I need to pull away from my husband, and not think about how quickly I am falling for him and how incredible he makes me feel when I am near him. I need to stay far away from him and remember how to be alone.”
“And is that truly what you think is best?”
“You said that I know myself.”
Her friend sighed, and Anna could feel the disappointment.
Evelina had always wanted more for herself, and Anna had never believed that she deserved it.
She had a husband who was absent, and that meant she had to handle matters alone, and never remind herself that once she had gotten a taste of a better life.
And, like a fool, she had allowed herself to think she was worthy of it.
“Well, you may stay here for as long as you need. It took me a long time to be able to see this home as my own when my husband passed away, so I understand how you are feeling.”
“Thank you,” she said gratefully. “I have informed my housekeeper of my location, and she will bring any correspondence here.”
“So you knew that I would want you to stay here?”
“I know that I have the most wonderful friends, and that they will take care of me even if my husband will not.”
They laughed softly, and the tea arrived. With her affairs in order, Anna was suddenly ravenous. It helped tremendously that Evelina’s cook was one of the best in the country, and the smells of freshly baked goods that came from the tray would have been enough to make anyone hungry.
Later that day, she took a walk with Theodora, hoping that it would give Evelina some time to herself.
“She sees me as a burden, I am certain of it,” Theodora sighed. “She ought to be enjoying her life as a wealthy young widow, and instead she has been forced to care for her insolent younger sister.”
“Nonsense. Evelina enjoys your company, and you know it. The household would be far too quiet without you, and she would be driven to madness in an instant. I would not worry so.”
“But I do. I know that the ton thinks. They say that I am taking advantage of her kindness, and that I should be married by now.”
“They say that about any young lady over the age of seventeen. It is all we are good for, apparently, and so anyone who is not promised to a man by the time she is out of her leading strings is a disaster.”
“Most unjustified,” she laughed sadly. “I was not expecting you to speak like this in public. Is it not something your husband asked you not to do?”
“It is, and I was willing to go along with it, but as he is not here, he is unable to hear it and also unable to tell me not to do so. If he takes issue with it, he knows where his home is.”
“Ah, one day of absence and you are already rebelling.”
“I am not!”
But she was. Whether she dared to admit it or not, Anna wanted Spencer to return. She wanted to see him, to feel him, and to prove that she was the only woman for him. Wherever he continued to go, she had to be more important to him, and she could not fathom why she was not.
“Well,” she sighed, “I suppose that I am. Do you know what he said to me when he announced he was leaving? He told me that I do not need him as much as his family does. He thinks that I am capable of handling myself, and therefore I do not need him.”
“If you ask me, he is right. You do not need him, which is precisely why I could not understand why you were so eager for him to stay. Evelina is far happier now than she ever was when her husband was alive.”
“And her husband was twice– perhaps even thrice her age, and from the few paintings she has kept there, he was not a particularly nice man to look at to begin with. It is not quite the same thing.” She took a ragged breath.
“I had hoped,” she whispered, “that once, just once, someone might want me as I am.”
The sky was beginning to darken, turning from blue to orange as the sun dipped down. Anna stopped walking, admiring it.
“The sky does not know,” she whispered. “It is enjoying the beauty of the sunset so much that it does not know that the darkness is moments away.”
“Poetry,” Theodora replied softly. “You should write it down, Anna.”
“Perhaps, but it is not as though anyone would ever read it.”
“I would.”
She laughed sadly.
“Yes, you would.”
But, other than her friends, she would be alone.
She was merely a woman alone, and without her husband, any effort that she made was for nothing.
It had not mattered that she had cared for the estate well and that she had not needed any assistance at all.
She needed a man beside her for all her labor to be taken seriously, and now that he had left again, she was back where she started.
“But consider this,” Theodora noted, continuing on her way. “The sky knows that the darkness is coming, and it enjoys the beauty of every phase.”
“How so?”
“Well, what comes after the night? The sunrise. The sun disappears for a while, but it always returns, and when that sunrise comes, is it not the most beautiful thing?”
Anna did not reply, for she did not know what to say. She, like her other friends, had often seen Theodora as a sister of her own, a younger one who did not know as much as they did. She was, however, wise beyond her years, and she had told her precisely what she needed to hear.
“He will come back,” she assured her. “I know that I am not particularly fond of him, but you seem to be.”
“I think you simply like to disagree with me.”
“I am disagreeable. You have heard what polite society says of me.”
They both laughed together, and in spite of everything, Anna could not help but feel better about what was to come. Spencer had made a mess once again, but he would make amends. He would do right by her, for that was the man she wanted to believe that he was.
But the days passed, and nothing came. She did not receive word that he had arrived, nor that he longed to see her, or that he wanted to return. Once again, she was left with nothing and could only assume what was to happen to her.
“You should write to him,” Evelina suggested. “Someone there will know how to find him.”
“Perhaps I should, but I will not. He promised me that he would write. He promised me that he would tell me what was happening, and he has not, which means that he has lied to me. He has also made it known to me that he does not want to speak to me, and therefore, he does not want to hear from me either. Therefore, that is what I will do.”
“Your pride will be the death of you.”
“Perhaps it will.”
Her friend rolled her eyes at her, and Anna knew that she was taking it too far, but she was going to stand firm in her decision.
If that was what Spencer wanted, then it would be what he got.
She did not need to know where he was, nor what he was doing.
She had spent most of their marriage in such a state, and she could do it a second time.
But it was painful, and her friends could see that. She did not want them to say as much, and she was grateful that they did not, for she already had enough to contend with. Her husband had lied about writing to her.
What else was he lying about?