Chapter 34
DAREK
It had been three days since Liza left. I felt like I was moving through fog. Everything was muted and colorless. It was like someone had turned down the saturation on my entire life. All the color had been sucked out of the world.
I felt like a husk. A walking, talking husk. I forced myself to eat at breakfast because I didn’t want Daisie to worry. At dinner, she ate while I worked. I told her I would eat later.
I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
Work was a blur. I went through the motions, showed up at the boat yard, answered emails, and talked to clients. But I couldn’t focus. My team kept asking if I was okay, and I kept saying I was fine, and we all knew I was lying.
But the worst part was Daisie.
She was devastated. Exactly like I feared would happen if someone she’d gotten attached to left. Except this time, I couldn’t even blame Sasha. This time, it was all on me. I was the cause of her pain. She didn’t know what happened but she knew Liza was gone. She knew her friend wasn’t coming back.
And she blamed me. My daughter was too polite to actually say it, but I felt her anger. I told myself she would be okay soon enough. She would get over the loss.
I prayed that was the truth.
Dinner that night was painful. I made her favorite. It was mac and cheese from scratch with bacon and breadcrumbs on the top just the way she liked it. I was never going to be mistaken for Gordon Ramsay but I had a few recipes I nailed.
Usually, she loved my mac and cheese. But tonight she just sat there pushing it around her plate with her fork, creating patterns in the cheese sauce without actually eating any of it.
“Not hungry, kiddo?”
She shrugged.
“It’s your favorite.”
Another shrug.
I tried a different tactic. “How was school today?”
“Fine.”
“Just fine? Did anything interesting happen?”
“No.”
“Did you play with Emma at recess?”
“Yeah.”
One-word answers. That was all I was getting. She wouldn’t look at me. She just kept moving her food around with that sad expression on her face.
After Sasha left, Daisie had shut down like this for weeks. Stopped being her usual bright, chattering self and became this quiet, withdrawn version. It had broken my heart then, and it was breaking my heart now.
Especially because this time, it was my fault.
“Hey,” I tried again. “Want to go out on the boat this weekend? Just you and me? We could pack a lunch, spend the whole day on the water. Maybe look for whales again.”
That would normally have her bouncing in her seat with excitement. She loved going out on the boat. She loved any excuse to spend the day on the water.
But she just shrugged again. “If you want to.”
“I’m asking what you want to do.”
“I don’t care.”
Those three words gutted me. Daisie always cared. She had opinions about everything, from what color socks to wear to what flavor ice cream was superior. She was passionate and enthusiastic and full of life.
This hollow, indifferent version of my daughter was wrong. And I had created it.
“Can I be excused?” She looked up at me finally. The sadness in her eyes made my throat tight. I didn’t think it was possible, but she actually had dark circles under her eyes. How could a little girl have sleepless nights that resulted in dark circles?
“Your plate is still full.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You barely ate anything.”
“I’m not hungry,” she repeated. I heard the note of anger in her voice. “Can I please go to my room?”
What was I supposed to say? Force her to sit here and pretend everything was fine when it clearly wasn’t? She had every right to be mad at me. I was just grateful she wasn’t saying it. Although I suspected those feelings would be put to words in the next few years.
“Yeah, okay. Go ahead.”
She slid off her chair and walked away, her footsteps quiet on the stairs. I heard her bedroom door close. Eventually, that would be a slamming door when she was mad at me. Parenting a teenager did not sound fun. Doing it alone sounded even worse.
I sat at the table, looking at the two barely touched plates of food. It was easier when Sasha left. I had somewhere to direct my anger. I was the good guy and got to be all self-righteous. Unfortunately, I was the asshole this time.
The entire situation was my fault.
I had let Liza into our lives. And I stood back and watched Daisie get attached. I had known it was temporary but I let it all happen because I was selfish. I wanted something for myself, and I hadn’t thought through what it would cost my daughter.
No, that wasn’t true. I had thought about it. And I did put a brief halt to things. And then I got caught up and forgot all about keeping Liza on the outside of our little family unit. And now Daisie was paying the price for my mistakes.
I cleaned up the uneaten dinner. The house felt too big, too empty. I was reminded of Liza everywhere I looked.
I had gotten used to her being around. It was nice to have someone to share the small moments with. And I had become so used to our conversations after Daisie went to bed. Conversations. Sex. Companionship.
Now it was just me again.
I went to bed early, more because I didn’t know what else to do. And I was tired. But I couldn’t sleep. I just lay there in the dark, staring at the ceiling. Had I overreacted? Had I been too harsh?
No. She’d been lining up another job. I knew she was going to leave us. The evidence was right there in those messages.
But she didn’t see the messages. I didn’t know how she responded.
I turned over, punching the pillow, trying to get comfortable. But comfort was impossible. Everything felt wrong.
The next morning, after I dropped a silent Daisie at school, my phone rang. I glanced at the screen and froze.
Sasha.
We hadn’t spoken since the courthouse. All our communication had been through lawyers, working out the details of her supervised visits with Daisie. What could she possibly want now?
I answered warily. “Sasha.”
“Hi, Darek. Do you have a minute?”
Her voice was different. Softer, less combative. It threw me off balance.
“I guess. What’s going on?”
“I wanted to update you on something. I’ve been working with my lawyer to get the original security footage from the yacht club.
The stuff that supposedly got erased? We think we can recover it from the hard drives.
It’ll take some time and money, but once we have it, you can use it to go after Grant for lying. Prove he doctored that photo.”
I sat up straighter. “You’re helping me build a case against your ex-boyfriend?”
“Ex-boyfriend being the operative word. I broke up with him, remember? And yeah, I’m helping.
What he did was wrong. He lied to the court, he lied to me, and he put Daisie in the middle of it.
” She paused. “I’m so sorry, Darek. I had no idea he had done that.
I swear I never would have gone along with it. ”
“I believe you.” And surprisingly, I did. “I can’t believe I was going to let Daisie around someone like him. I’m starting to think the best thing I can do is be single for a while. Figure out my own shit before I bring anyone else into Daisie’s life. I want her to be my priority.”
“That’s probably wise.”
“Yeah.” She was quiet for a moment. “Look, I also wanted to talk about Daisie. About visitation. I know I said I wanted joint custody, but I’ve been thinking about it, and I realize now that was selfish.
Asking her to live with me half the time when I’m basically a stranger to her would be a huge disruption.
She has her life with you. I don’t want to mess that up. ”
“So what are you saying?”
“I’m saying I won’t fight you for custody anymore.
But I would like to try to be a mother to her again.
If you’ll let me. If she wants that.” Her voice cracked slightly.
“I know I have a lot of work to do. A lot to make up for. But I’d like to try.
Maybe we could start small? Short visits, just an hour or two? Whatever Daisie is comfortable with.”
I thought about my daughter and her current depression. She had already lost one woman she’d gotten attached to this week. Maybe having her mother make an effort would help. Maybe it would help fill the hole Liza’s absence left.
“I’ll talk to her,” I said. “See what she wants. But, Sasha, you have to mean it this time. If you’re going to be in her life, you have to actually be in her life. No disappearing again because it gets hard.”
“I know. I promise. I’m trying to be better. For her.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to her and we’ll figure something out.”
“Thank you.” She hesitated. “And Darek? Don’t worry. I won’t interfere with you and the whale scientist. I know you two have your own thing going on, and I’m happy for you. Really.”
My chest tightened. “We’re not together anymore.”
“What? Since when?”
“Since a few days ago. It didn’t work out.”
“Are you kidding? That woman was clearly in love with you. I saw the way she looked at you in court. The way she jumped up to defend you with her whale knowledge or whatever.”
“It’s complicated.”
“It’s not my place to give relationship advice, given my track record. But maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to let her get away. Women like that don’t come around often.”
What if I had destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to me because I was too scared to trust that it was real?
“Yeah, well, it’s done. I’ll talk to Daisie and get back to you in a couple of days.”
“Thank you, Darek.”
We ended the call and I was left feeling weird. How in the hell was my monster ex giving me relationship advice? It felt like I stumbled into an alternate universe.
I could call Liza. Try to salvage what I destroyed.
But what would I even say? Sorry I accused you of lying and kicked you out?
I wasn’t even sure she where she was. She might be in San Francisco already. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had blocked my number. If the roles were reversed, I probably would have.
It was over. The sooner I accepted that fact, the easier it would be to move on.