Chapter 3
3
R adiance:
It had been one week since Ja’vari walked out of the hotel room, leaving me crying, and I was still crying on a daily. I was staying with my best friend, Santia, until I found a place of my own, since Ja’vari and I sold our condo when he accepted the job in Korea. Though I was staying, I didn’t want to stay in the condo where he and I had created so many memories—good and bad. The same night we broke up, Ja’vari messaged me, trying to save us once more, and as much as I wanted to message him back, I couldn’t bring myself to.
“Here you go, love.” Santia stood in front of me, handing me a Canada Dry. Since being here, I barely slept, hadn’t eaten, and I guessed it was all catching up with me because now I was nauseated at the smell of anything and fatigued, yet I couldn’t sleep.
“Thanks, girl.” My voice was hoarse. I sat up, and she sat beside me.
“You’re going to be okay.” She nudged me.
Funny, I kept telling myself the same thing, yet each day seemed to be worse than the day before. “I hope so.” The low mumble was barely audible as I opened the can of soda.
“No matter what it is, as your best friend, I got you,” she reassured, just as I brought the can to my lips. The can was only halfway there when the potent smell of the soda hit my nostrils, seeming to burn the hairs and churn my stomach. Placing the can on the table that tipped off the edge, falling to the ground, I lifted the trash can I had nearby, barely making it in time.
Nothing was in my stomach except the one Ritz cracker Santia damn near force-fed me earlier, so nothing was coming up. “I am so sorry.” I spoke in between trying to regulate my breathing. “I’ll clean it up.” I slowly moved to get up, but I felt Santia grasp my arm, stopping me.
“Girl, that spilled soda on my floor is the least of my worries.”
Santia stared at me. Her expression wasn’t one of concern but more of a sarcastic one. “What?” I finally questioned.
“Radiance, ain’t no way your big, grown tail self not registering that you’re pregnant. This throwing up stuff ain’t got a damn thing to do with Ja’vari leaving.” Her tone was duh like.
The laughter couldn’t come fast enough, even while being sick. “Girl, whatever.” I rolled my eyes.
“You real delulu I see.”
Still laughing, I picked up my cell phone, noticing it was July twenty-first, which meant my cycle was twelve days past my due date. My laughter halted instantly, and the spit in my mouth dried up as I stared at my now darkened phone in disbelief.
It was Santia’s turn to laugh. Hers was obnoxious and loud as she smacked her legs. After slowly turning to face her, because I didn’t find a thing funny, her laughter lowered but didn’t stop. “My bad, girl, my bad.”
“Like, I can’t be pregnant, right?” I wasn’t really asking her. “It’s just gotta be stress and the breakup.”
Santia stood. “Only one way to find out. Let’s head to the CVS.”
As much as I’d rather lie back down on the couch, I had to know if Santia was right or if what I assumed would be correct. As if I hadn’t been feeling ill, I stood quickly. “Let’s go.” There was no time to waste.
“Radiance, staring at all four of them is not going to make the results appear any faster, and even if it did, it’s not going to change what it says.” Santia sat on the side of the tub, looking at me in annoyance.
When in the CVS, Santia insisted I didn’t need four pregnancy tests, and hell, I knew it, but I needed all of them to say the same thing to believe it. I was sitting on the toilet with the seat closed, peering on the counter at every test that was lined up like domino pieces or something. After hearing Santia, I pulled back but continued side-eyeing the tests to see if the urine had reached the second window for the results. “This can’t take this long.” I huffed as if it hadn’t been only a few seconds since I’d dipped all the sticks.
“Radiance?”
The compassion in Santia’s tone prompted me to look her way with tears already burning my eyes. “Whatever those results say and whatever you want to do after, I promise I have your back and support you in any decision you make, okay?” She gave a comforting smile, and I noticed her own tears were forming.
Santia and I had been friends since we were in the second grade, and we bonded quickly because we both were only children. “I know you do.” I nodded, a single tear slipping and rolling down my cheek in a dramatic way.
“Ready to look?”
Inhaling deeply before slowing exhaling, I nodded. Santia smiled and seemed to do the same motion I had before extending her hand my way. Placing my hand in her hand, we stood together. “One,” Santia started, and I joined in on two, “two, three.”
We both seemed to peer at the tests with one eye opened, a hand over our chest, while leaning in, and it was not that we needed to. Neither of us spoke, but tears were falling. On each pregnancy test were two dark pink lines. I was, in fact, pregnant. “Wow, God.” I found myself muttering, turning to Santia. Funny—well, not so much—but I would be pregnant by a man that I was madly in love with but was no longer with. My bottom lip quivered as I tasted my salty tears. “Santia, what am I gonna do?”
With no response right away, Santia dropped my hand, pulling me into a tight hug that caused me to drop to the floor, and she came down with me. I couldn’t stop sobbing, and she embraced me tighter.
“We will do the same thing we did when this happened before, or we riding this thing out and raising this kid.” I heard the whisper in my ear, and my heart skipped a beat. Her statement unlocked a core memory, causing more tears and forcing my mind to drift back to that time.
“What it say?” Ja’vari nervously asked, pacing the room.
“Damn, boy, she just walked back in the room with it. Give her a chance.” Santia barely looked up from her phone.
The three of us were in my room, and I was panicking, as I’d just taken a pregnancy test. Ja’vari and I had lost our virginity to each other a year ago, and up until two months ago, we had been extra careful. We were only sixteen and seventeen, in high school, living with our parents. I was jobless, and Ja’vari made minimum wage at Polo Lauren Factory Store. We couldn’t take care of us let alone a baby.
“Anything yet?” He never stopped walking.
Santia giggled. “You gonna walk the soles off them Jordans and burn a hole in the carpet, you keep moving.”
“Nothing’s funny, Santia,” I snapped. Santia didn’t mean any harm, since she just always had jokes, but right now wasn’t the time.
“Okay, okay.” She held up her hand and halted her giggles. “For real, what does it say, friend?” Her tone was low.
Standing there holding it upside down wouldn’t give me the answer, so I shrugged and flipped it over, my hands shaking as my eyes dropped. “No way.” My voice was low. The blue plus sign on the Clearblue pregnancy test couldn’t go unnoticed from a mile away.
Ja’vari stopped mid-step, foot still in the air, and Santia stood, her eyes doubling in size. It was so quiet in the room that everybody’s fast heartbeats could be heard, sounding like a stampede of horses on a racetrack. “What does it say?” Santia questioned lowly, almost like she was afraid to ask.
Shaking my head, my ponytail rocked from side to side, and tears fell swiftly. Sniffling, I finally raised my eyes, meeting Ja’vari’s and Santia’s anxious ones. “It’s positive.”
Ja’vari kind of still stood, standing stonelike; Santia, on the other hand, moved in quickly, grasping my shaking hands, stopping them from shaking. Santia and I were the same age with only four more separating us, making her the oldest. The difference wasn’t significant, but she made sure to remind me every chance she got that I was the youngest. “It will be okay.” She gave me a comforting smile. Santia said it would be okay, but how could something like this ever be okay? On one hand, I’d abort the unborn child and forever feel empty and guilty, or I’d accept that Ja’vari and I hadn’t been careful, and we’d become teen parents and another statistic.
“How?” My voice cracked.
Santia looked defeated, but that didn’t stop her from being the supportive friend she’d always been. “Honestly, Radiance, I don’t even know. Either way, I am right behind you every step of the way,” she reassured, wrapping her arms around me.
Sitting in the middle of Ja’vari and Santia in the uncomfortable, armless chairs, my heart beat rapidly, and my left leg shook beyond my control. It had been four long days since getting the positive pregnancy test result, and my nerves hadn’t gathered since. My eyes bounced around the Planned Parenthood clinic at the multiple encouraging posters. I hated I was here, but after sleepless nights, talks with Ja’vari, and comforting words from Santia, it was best.
When I first delivered the news, Ja’vari was stuck and had no words, but once he snapped back, he was all in. It wasn’t an easy decision, but we had come to terms with the fact that there was no way we were ready to be parents at such a young age.
Feeling Ja’vari’s hand on my leg, I looked down at it, and he wanted me to place mine in his. Smiling, I did. We were two kids who had fallen in love and made a mistake. “I love you.” He raised our hands to his lips, mine facing them, before he kissed them.
Tears burned my eyes. I did love Ja’vari, and I saw myself spending the rest of my life with him, so had we been years older and married, I would have loved to have his baby. The timing just wasn’t right. “I love you too, Ja’vari.”
Ja’vari parted his lips to speak, but the words never came, as the nurse interrupted him. “Radiance Marshall?”
I was already nervous, but once my name was called, my brain went into overdrive, and the beating of my heart increased instantly. Ja’vari stood after releasing my hand as if they’d called him. When he noticed I hadn’t moved, he grabbed my hand again, helping me up, but it was not that I needed it. Preparing to take a step, I stopped, looking over at Santia. She offered a smile, and I could see many emotions in her eyes. “I’ll be here when you get back, friend.” The smile never wavered.
I smiled and nodded. Ja’vari would be there to hold my hand, but Santia… She was my emotional support even when not physically present. Once I stepped over the threshold and the door closed behind me, I knew there was no turning back.
“Hey?” Santia summoned me in a soft tone, pulling me from a memory that I’d buried so deep, ironically almost ten years to the day. I lifted my head just a bit, so our eyes could meet, but didn’t speak. “We got this.” If I didn’t know anything else, I knew Santia was going to stand ten toes down for me, as I would her.
I’d heard her and believed her, but I wasn’t sure if I was the one that had it as she implied.