Chapter Thirty
“I just want to give up sometimes. Like, how is it that no matter what life throws at me, I still have to keep pushing through knowing that there are harder things still to come?” – Quinn
ELIZABETH
It’s raining. Which means it’s the perfect wallowing weather.
One of Rora’s favorite movies is playing on the TV, and she’s sitting next to me, perfectly content and cozy as she watches and munches on her small bowl of popcorn.
I’m doing everything I can to distract her from the fact that Derek is nowhere to be seen, especially since he was supposed to come over tonight and she knew it.
The scene from the store flashes through my mind over and over again, and my brain loves to tell me where I went wrong.
How I should have eased him into the idea, how I should have prepared him for the conversation, how I should have shown him the plan and let him sit on it, and how I should have given him time to process.
I was excited, though. The ideas I had would make the store and the Fowler name flourish. I’ve already contacted contractors, asking if this is something needed, and they assured me it is.
I can’t bring myself to feel sorry. I can’t sit here and berate myself for trying to help the man I love. Maybe I didn’t know fully about his financial situation. How could I? He’s never shared that with me, and I wasn’t expecting him to.
I assumed that he was on the light side of earnings. Never did I think about his father’s medical expenses or the amount of expenses he carries alone.
I sigh and grab a blanket, tucking it around both Rora and me, and she giggles, burrowing deeper into the couch.
The lock turns in the door, and my sister comes in, shaking out her raincoat before slipping it off. “Whew! It’s coming down out there. It’s also freezing, so I feel like my eyelashes are frozen.”
“Aunt Hattie! Look!” Rora points to the screen, nearly toppling her popcorn, and Hattie reacts accordingly, asking her fun questions before Rora is distracted once again.
My sister blows out a breath and looks around. Furrowing her brow, she starts to ask, “Where’s D—”
I run a finger over my lips, hiding the action above my daughter’s head, and point at her.
She moves into the living room, taking the armchair on my left, and eyeing me with concern. “Did something happen to him?”
I clear my throat, glancing at my daughter and back to my sister.
She’s my best friend, my confidant, the only person I can talk to without her trying to fix the problem, so I start at the beginning.
“I went to show him.” I emphasize the word, making it clear that I’m desperately trying not to say his name.
“The business plan I made for the store. He didn’t take it well. ”
Hattie frowns. “Why not? I mean, I’m not a business major, but it seemed like a solid plan to me.”
“It is a solid plan,” I assure her, shaking my head at the memory of how it all went down. “It’s not the plan, it’s that apparently his credit isn’t so great, and he’s been drowning in bills since before I met him,” I say, then quickly correct. “Again. Met him again.”
“I still can’t believe he was the boy who left you a flower on your bunk.” Hattie smiles, shaking her head in awe. “I was so jealous of you then. I wanted a boy to like me that much.”
Something passes over her face then, but before I can call her out on it, she turns the conversation back. “So what happened then? He turned you down?”
“He.” I lick my lips, feeling an embarrassing sweep of tears threaten to fall and swallow them down. “Blew up.”
Hattie’s eyes widen in anger. “Blew up? On you?”
I shrug, feeling utterly helpless at the current situation. “He just lost his cool, and he didn’t hurt me or anything. He didn’t say anything bad toward me, really, just—” I pause, thinking over the moment that hurt the most. It’s weird what the brain chooses to focus on.
“What did he say?” Right now, Hattie looks about two seconds away from calling the entire Cobras baseball team and hauling them to go beat up my boyfriend.
“He said he doesn’t need my help,” I admit, trying to keep my voice hushed so the cracking can’t be heard by my sometimes too observant daughter. “Actually, he said he doesn’t want my help. That he wants to be the one to take care of me.”
Hattie eyes me, her brows still pulled together like she can hardly believe anything I’m saying. I get it, because I have never been so caught off guard as I was today.
“Well, for one, I hope he knows you better than that by now. Not only are you a competent and brilliant businesswoman, but you’re a caretaker. That’s never going to work, shoving you out like that,” Hattie states, looking at me like she’s willing me to believe her words.
“I agree,” I relent.
“Second of all, that doesn’t sound like D—him—at all,” she states, quickly correcting her slip-up.
“He’s not the guy that loses it. At least, I didn’t think so.
” Her bottom lip gets sucked into her mouth as she chews on it.
“I wonder how bad his debt is. Men are sensitive about the money stuff, maybe it’s been going on too long. ”
“I suspect it has. Hattie, he’s still paying off his father’s medical debt.”
“Damn.”
We sit in silence for a few moments. I don’t know what Hattie is thinking, but I know that my mind won’t stop spinning that image around in my head of him yelling, “I don’t want your help!” That amount of pain I felt in that moment, which I’m still carrying through tonight, is blinding.
“Well, how did you two end things then?”
“End things?”
Hattie rolls her eyes at herself. “Not end things, end things. Like, how did you leave it?”
I sigh and run a hand through my hair, forgetting that I had it in a bun and pulling that out when my hand gets tangled. “Honestly? I feel really embarrassed about it all. Like I shouldn’t have said anything, like I should have just enjoyed our relationship, and—”
“No, stop,” Hattie interrupts, surprising me.
Her eyes are bright with anger, but I’m not sure who it’s directed at.
“You do not do that. You love this man, which means you’re always going to be wanting to help him and better your lives together.
Don’t go down that road where this is your fault, because from where I’m sitting, it’s not. ”
I nod, knowing she’s right. “You’re right,” I say, because I know she’ll want to hear it.
“I know I am,” she replies, making me roll my eyes. “But you still never told me how you left it.”
My eyes water, and I shake my head, my fingers fiddling with my hair tie.
“I told him I need some space. I said I can’t be a part of a relationship where we don’t feel like”—I use my hands to push opposing forces together, fake opposing forces, but it gets the point across—“like a team. I’m not someone who can just sit back and let someone take care of me. ”
“No, you’re not,” Hattie agrees, nodding her head. “What did he say?”
“Not much.” I shrug. “He asked me not to leave, but I did anyway. I just… couldn’t stand there any longer. I don’t know.” I let my feet drop to the ground as the movie ends, and Rora hops on my back. “Time for bed!” I say with way more glee than I feel.
Hattie stands and boops Rora’s nose, telling her good night. Then she looks at me. “Maybe use this time to get away for a bit. It’s the weekend, and you’ve been dying to go up to Quinn’s place since the last time you talked.”
“Yeah, true.” The idea of leaving makes me sick, but the idea of staying and having to face Derek is worse.
“I’m here for you, whatever you need.” Hattie leans in and hugs us both, tickling Rora as she does so before we head off down the hallway to get her ready for bed.
We go through the normal night routine as always: potty, jammies, brush our hair, brush our teeth, wash our face, one sip of water, and we’re done.
I turn on the bedside lamp and settle onto the floor. Rora snuggles in deep with her two elephants, and seeing the crocheted one makes my stomach clench with pain.
“Did you pick a story?” I ask, smiling at my daughter, who was growing up way too fast. She hands me a book, and I start to open it, turning so she can see the pictures.
“Mommy?”
I pause before I can get out the first line and turn my head to face her. “Yeah, sweetie?”
“Where’s Derek?”
There it is. The dreaded question I haven’t wanted to answer. The truth is I don’t want to answer truthfully, but I also don’t want to upset her if Derek and I work it out. I hope we do, but right now, space is what I need.
“Derek had some things he needed to do tonight,” I answer, vague and really not answering her question. “But.” I pause and wonder if I should say anything when I haven’t confirmed it.
What the hell?
“I’m thinking we go on a fun girls’ road trip this weekend. What do you think?”
“A trip!” she says, her eyes lighting up.
“Yup,” I tell her, trying to be as excited as she is. “But it’ll only happen if we get some rest.”
“Okay, Mommy.” Rora settles back in, and I start the story, wishing I could also run away to a faraway kingdom and have all of my problems solved like one of these princesses.
Real life is so unfair.