Chapter 5
JAKE
Any good mood I’d stitched together at Ellie’s unravelled instantly.
I wasn’t a mind dweller. Things happened. I moved on. But I spent the journey home replaying what happened at the weekend, wondering what to say to Avery and Oliver, whether I’d overreacted.
I wasn’t sure anymore.
People hooked up all the time, and I understood the reality of that, but I couldn’t escape the nagging feeling of betrayal. Maybe that was irrational but it wasn’t like I could change how I felt.
For years Avery told me she wasn’t my brother’s biggest fan, and I’d taken solace in that. Finally, someone was on my side and in my corner.
But all this time…
What else has she lied about?
I let myself into her flat, dumped my keys on the hallway table, and sighed. “Avery?”
The echo of my voice illuminated the hysteria growing inside me.
What if I come home one day and they’re fucking on the sofa?
What if I find Oliver half-naked in the kitchen drinking milk straight from the carton like he used to when we were teens?
What if he breaks her heart and turns her against me?
Every imaginary scenario worse than the last, and I was not about to hang around for any of it.
After I showered and changed, I booked an Uber, packed whatever could fit into my travel backpack, then headed to my parents’ house. They lived in a quiet borough on the outskirts of the city, and I wasted the drive consumed by dread and annoyance that it had come to this.
Thirty-one-years-old and returning home.
Maybe everyone was right.
Maybe I was an epic disaster.
When my Uber pulled up outside their house, my mum was in the front garden wearing a navy beanie over her grey bob, her short frame swamped by a puffy gilet in a garish mustard yellow.
She barked something at my dad as he sprinkled rock salt on the driveway, probably because the weather channel had them anticipating more snow.
Some people believed in fate, my parents believed in the UK Met Office.
“You missed a bit,” she scolded.
“Where? Tell me instead of pointing, Joanna, for heaven’s sake.”
“Don’t take that tone with me. The pointing is telling you—Oh, hello, dear,” she said smoothly, drawn by the sound of me opening the gate. She took one look at my backpack and sighed. “Surely you’re not going away again already.”
I wish.
I’d leave tomorrow if I could.
“Not yet.” The rock salt crunched beneath my boots as I geared up to ask a question that killed me inside. “Actually, I need a place to stay while I look for a short-term rental.”
“I thought you were living with Avery now.”
“Yeah, well, that was only ever meant to be temporary.”
Mum’s eyes narrowed. After raising four kids, her bullshit antenna was pretty well tuned, and it picked up the stench immediately.
“So, can I stay?” I asked. “It wouldn’t be for long.”
“You’re our son. You’re always welcome.”
“No,” my dad piped up, his balding head and cheeks pink with cold. He straightened slowly, winced and rubbed at his lower spine. “This can’t go on anymore.”
“What do you mean anymore? This is the first time I’ve asked.”
The truth. I did everything to avoid asking my parents for any kind of favour. I loved them but they were… a lot.
“Yes, but we know you stayed with your brother at some point, and about the time you couldn’t afford to pay rent.”
Let me guess... Oliver told them.
“That was one time and my landlord was a dick. He raised the price without telling me first, which put me in arrears and—”
“And if you’d planned better, savings could’ve covered those arrears. Enough is enough. You’re thirty-one-years-old. Start acting like it.”
“David,” Mum warned.
“No, no, please. Tell me how you really feel, dad. I know you’re dying for it.”
“Jacob,” she hissed, checking over my shoulder at the neighbour’s house. “Keep your voice down. Ethel is probably listening behind the curtain.”
“You only know because you do the same.”
She folded her arms in a snooty huff, but stayed quiet. Hard to argue with the truth.
“You can’t keep relying on everyone to bail you out, son,” Dad said. “We love you, but it’s time for you to stand on your own.”
“I have been?” Confusion slowed my words. “I haven’t lived at home in eleven years.”
“Yes, all that time and nothing much to show for it.”
“David!” Mum whacked his arm. It took a lot to make her uncomfortable, but she glanced uneasily between us, shifting on her feet like she, too, wanted to run away from this conversation as fast as possible.
“You know I’m right,” Dad continued. “Most people your age have steady jobs and partners, but here you are acting like your hobby is real work and swanning off around the world whenever you feel like it.”
I nodded slowly, letting it all sink in. I’d heard variations of this speech before, but never quite like this. His disdain was new, and felt like a gut punch. “Right, yeah. Seeing the world whenever I want? Horrifying.”
“Joke all you want, Jacob, but you know I’m right. Look at your brothers. They’ve opened the restaurant together. Leo owns his flat and is getting serious with Grace. Talia started her own business and is married. Everyone’s grown up and making something of themselves. It’s your turn.”
“Is that what constitutes being grown up? Because I can tell you right now, I’m not interested in any of those things.”
“You’re wilfully misunderstanding me. It’s not about marriage and business,” Dad sighed. “It’s about committing to something long term. It’s about having some direction and working towards it.”
I blinked at them, frustration a burning knot in the back of my throat.
I had plenty of direction. I’d known I wanted to be a Photographer ever since I found my granddad’s vintage Kodak Brownie camera in the loft when I was thirteen-years-old.
By eighteen, my photographs had been featured in the local newspaper.
Over the years I built up a varied portfolio of work, and these days I earned enough to pay my bills and fund my travelling habit.
I was living my life and enjoying it, and that was direction enough for me.
For my parents though? Not so much.
I still didn’t understand why.
What more do they want from me?
“Right.” I made my way back up the path. No point arguing, and it was too cold to try. “Bye then.”
“Darling, you can stay tonight,” Mum called. “He can stay tonight at least, David.”
“Nah. You’re alright. We’re done here.”
“Jacob, please.”
I sent them a wave and didn’t look back.
While waiting at the local station for the next train back to the city, I sent my sister a text. Talia didn’t have her own place anymore, but her new husband owned the Regency-Scott hotel group, and that was a lot of hotel rooms. Surely, he could spare one for a few days.
Jake
Tee. Sister dearest. My favourite.
Tee
Hey. What’s up? What do you want?
Jake
How do you know I want something?
Tee
Playing dumb doesn’t suit you.
Jake
That’s true. I do need a favour though. Can Rafe hook me up with a room at one of his hotels? It wouldn’t be for long. Just a few days while I figure some things out.
Tee
What happened to staying with Avery?
Jake
She got a new boyfriend so I’m giving them some space.
It probably wasn’t a lie anyway.
Tee
I didn’t know she was seeing anyone! But that’s sweet of you.
Jake
What can I say? I’m a sweet guy.
Tee
I snort laughed omg.
Also no. I’m not asking my husband of 3 DAYS to put you up in one of his hotels. Sorry, I love you, but it wouldn’t feel right. Plus we’re flying out on honeymoon tonight so things are a bit hectic. Rafe still hasn’t packed, can you believe it?
Jake
I can because no one needs to pack 2 weeks in advance, unlike SOME people.
Tee
Et tu, Brute?
Jake
LOL. Anyway, no worries. I get it. Enjoy your honeymoon. Remember to pee after sex.
Tee
Will do! I’m switching my phone off now & if mum asks, you never heard from me. Love you x
Leo
Oliver came into work with a black eye this morning. Real sheepish too. Locked himself in the back office. Do you know what happened?
Jake
Not a clue. BTW any chance I can stay in your spare room again? Just for a few days.
Leo
Usually I’d say yes, you know I would. But Grace is coming over to talk more about moving in.
Jake
Ah. ‘Talk.’ Understood. Go be naked with your girlfriend, you lucky SOB.
Leo
Always grateful for the support. But I was serious about the talking. I asked her to move in with me.
Jake
Congrats. You’re all grown up.
I chuckled at the influx of middle finger emojis.
Leo
BTW you missed the amazing hotel breakfast on Sunday which isn’t like you. So did Oliver. And we didn’t see either of you at checkout. Is everything OK?
Jake
Everything’s fine.
Leo
You’d tell me if it wasn’t right?
Jake???
On the train, I nabbed a forward-facing window seat and scrolled through the entirety of my contacts list. Twice.
It wasn’t that I didn’t have friends to lean on, but it was hard when your contacts was littered with names like Finn (Thailand 2018), Steveo (broken wrist) and Costa Rica Hot Blonde.
As a last-ditch resort, I compared a couple of last-minute flights, then sent a text to my friend, Christian, who lived in New York.
Christian, Avery and I first met at the University of the Arts London, and even though I dropped out, we’d somehow managed to stay friends.
Jake
Hey. I’m thinking of rescheduling my trip & coming sooner. You free?
Chris
Hi! Sorry. I’m in Milan for fashion week, then Paris. But I’ll be in London end of Feb. I could squeeze you in then.
Jake
Don’t want to put you out or anything.
Chris
It’s funny how I know exactly what kind of face you’re pulling right now.
Jake
Well, it’s a pretty memorable face.
Chris
Sure. Keep telling yourself that. How’s Avery BTW?
Jake
Ask her yourself.
Chris
Uh oh. What happened? Did you have sex & ruin your friendship?
Jake
I know you’re only asking to wind me up but let me stress. OF COURSE NOT. You know it’s not like that between us. Pretty sure she’s fucking my brother though.
Chris
Which one? The one with all the tattoos or the one with the beard?
Jake
Beard. Though he’s more clean cut these days.
Chris
To be fair, they’re both DELICIOUS. Can’t blame her. Good for her! About time she removed that stick from her ass and had a good time.
Jake
Wow. I love our chats.
Chris
STFU I’m a delight & you know it.
By the time my train pulled into London Bridge, I’d settled on booking a cheap hotel. Probably what I should’ve done in the first place.
I felt restless though, irritated. I wanted something but couldn’t pinpoint what exactly. That feeling usually sent me halfway around the world, but I couldn’t think about that right now.
Weird in itself.
Instead, I grabbed a coffee and walked to the embankment overlooking London Bridge, watching the steady stream of taxis and double-decker buses above, the boats drifting below. I people-watched too, but nothing really worked to lift my mood.
After a while, I jumped on a bus, no destination in mind. My favourite way to travel. The world drifted by in a blur until we passed The White Hart, the familiar sight wrenching me out of my daze.
Ellie.
I wasn’t far from her flat.
The thought had me jabbing the stop button.
I took a brief detour to a local BP garage and purchased a small bouquet of yellow flowers, forgoing the box of chocolates in case Noah was allergic to nuts.
When I reached Ellie’s street ten minutes later, the traffic was at a standstill and bottlenecked by an ambulance in the street, the blue lights flashing up ahead.
There wasn’t a day in London where you didn’t see the emergency services, so I didn’t think much of it, but the ambulance was parked outside Ellie’s building, and fuck. That looked like Noah sobbing next to a couple of paramedics crouched on the ground, Ellie nowhere in sight.
Despite the patches of ice everywhere, I broke into a run, surprised by the alarm slicing through me.
Please not Ellie.
I’d barely reached them when one of the paramedics shifted, providing a better view, and all the breath left me in a whoosh.
Fucking hell.
She’s okay.
Ellie knelt beside an old woman with grey hair sprawled and shivering on the pavement, and covered in one of those silver insulation blankets. There was an oxygen mask strapped to her mouth, and Ellie’s fear ripened when she whined in agony.
Noah cried louder.
“Shhh. It’s okay, baby,” she soothed. “It’s okay.”
Why the hell am I standing here like a fucking idiot?
Moving through the crowd of nosy bystanders, I crouched by Noah’s side, startling Ellie and the paramedic in the process.
“Hey, Noah. Remember me?”
“Yeah,” he said around sniffling breaths.
Ellie finally blinked. “What—”
“Do you want to go upstairs and watch TV?” I asked, refocusing on the boy beside me.
There was a time for questions later.
His head rattled, and he clutched Ellie’s coat in his pudgy little hands. “I wanna stay with mummy and Maggie,” he cried, each word stilted and shuddery.
“Okay, but it’s cold out here,” I told him. “How about we go to the café over the road and grab a hot chocolate? I bet they’d add marshmallows if we asked.”
Noah paused, chocolate the magic word, but said nothing.
“You know what?” Ellie zipped his coat to his chin. “Jake’s right. It’s freezing and I think we’d all like some hot chocolate to warm us up. Will you go and get one for me too?”
“And Maggie?”
“Maggie’s going to hospital now.”
“She’ll get a hot drink when she’s there,” one of the paramedics said.
A lie, I was sure. Maggie seemed completely out of it.
“Go on.” Ellie rubbed Noah’s rosy cheek. “It’s okay.”
He peered at her, then the adults around him, and it was a wonder he wasn’t freaking out more. The flashing lights and car horns was too much sensory overload for me, and I wasn’t four-years-old.
“Okay,” he relented, and I jolted when his hand slid into mine, surprised by the difference in size and the fragility of his little fingers.
I’d never held a child’s hand before. He was so tiny, so trusting, and maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I wasn’t cut out to help anyone, least of all today.
Whatever panicky thing I was about to say died the moment Ellie mouthed a relieved-looking, “Thank you,” like I’d halved the heavy load on her mind.
“Yeah, of course.” I sent Noah what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “You ready?”
He nodded, and the weight of Ellie’s gaze followed us across the street.