Chapter 29
TWENTY NINE
Felix
I go to a different bar across the room to give Atlas and Grey space and find a barstool to sit on.
I ask for a water and take it gratefully.
The cold water is welcomed relief. It’s very warm in this hall.
Everyone is having a great time, and while I don’t know Grey’s friends too well, I can tell how much Oli and Andre mean to one another.
I don’t think they’ve given each other any space since they said I do.
I like his friends a lot. I’m hoping with time, Atlas and I can get along. While I want to be upset with him, I can’t imagine how he feels. He loves Grey deeply and I get it, because I’m pretty sure I love him to.
So why haven’t I said it?
Why is this so hard? “Hey.” Alyssa smiles, sitting on the bar stool next to me. Her hair is pulled up into a ponytail. “Where’s my brother?” I look across the room and frown when I don’t see Grey and Atlas at the bar anymore. They were talking. Where did they go?
“Oh um, I’m not sure. I needed some water.
It’s hot in here.” I watch Oli and Andre dance on the floor.
Andre’s forehead is tucked into the hollow of Oli’s neck, and he’s whispering something in his ear meant for just the two of them.
I’ve never experienced queer love quite like this, and it’s incredible.
“How are you doing, Felix?”
“Huh?” Alyssa smiles softly. “Oh um, great.”
She nods. “Thank you.”
“What? For what?”
She shrugs. “When I called you earlier this year I was at my wits’ end.
I was desperately trying to put back together the torn-up pieces of my brother.
Nothing was getting through to him. Then you came along and for the first time since the accident I saw glimpses of who he used to be.
I was really worried for a while that he was turning into—”
“Your father?” I bite my tongue at the slip. The surprise on her face making me feel guilty. “He told me.”
“Yeah,” she sighs. “I guess I was worried about that. I know he’s not like that at all, but . . . there are times when I worry.”
I turn to her and try to say this as gently as I can. “Even in his darkest moments he’d never be that man.” I know that for a fact. Grey is the kindest and gentlest man I’ve ever met. “And you’re wrong.” She frowns. “It wasn’t me. It was you and Lianna. The risk of losing you both.”
She sits with that for a minute. I’d like to go find him. Something prickles at the edges of my heart, but I need to calm down. It’s fine. He’s just talking with Atlas right now. “Well.” She smirks. “Why don’t we call it even, then. We both helped.”
I smile. “He loves you a lot. He talks about you and Lianna constantly.” I sip my water. “I just hope that in the future you guys will be my family too.”
“Oh, Felix, we are already. Grey is not letting you go without a fight. Once he loves someone, that’s it.” She smiles. “His exes didn’t deserve him. When he loves, he loves big. It’s a bit overwhelming sometimes, but we love him anyway, huh?”
I think about it for a moment and she’s right. I do. I do love him.
I need to tell him.
“Mama!” Landon walks up sheepishly as Lianna flings herself onto her mother’s dress, bunching her tiny hands in the fabric. “Daddy said he’s tired!” She pouts.
“Did he?” Alyssa’s brows rise, her mouth dropping dramatically. “What an old man.”
“Ouch, babe. I just need a break.” Alyssa grins wide, kissing Landon.
“Come on, Bug. Let’s give the old man a break.” She laughs as he pinches her ass.
“I’ll show you who’s an old man.” His eyes heat on her. “It’s Mommy’s time to tag in.”
She finishes her drink and gets up. “Let’s show everyone here how it’s done.” Landon goes to sit down. “Uh-uh, let’s go. I need someone to bring up the rear.”
He groans, but I can see the light in his eyes as he goes to follow her. “Felix, you need to dance too.”
“I will in a moment.” I raise my water, finishing it up and watching them walk onto the dance floor.
It’s funny, all my life I’ve been around so much toxicity.
I don’t remember my mother and father together.
He died when I was young, and from then on, my mother bounced from boyfriend’s house to boyfriend’s house.
I can’t recall this type of love ever being around.
Even when Steven and I met, our love never looked like this. Maybe if I’d known this was how love is supposed to feel, I wouldn’t have fallen for him. What I feel for Grey is an impossibility I never thought was real.
I love him. Holy shit, I love him.
I need to find him.
As I weave through the grinding bodies, Andre watches me walk by, and I nod at him as I go. He and Oli really are cute. I get to the end of the room and still haven’t seen either Atlas or Grey, but I do see a door near the back exit.
Bright white light greets me as I step into a little hallway. It’s blinding compared to the dim lights of the dance hall. I’m not sure if they came out here, but the cool air feels nice.
It’s eerily silent, but as I walk I hear hushed voices. I follow the sound, wondering if it’s them. Why would they be back here? I walk to the end and round a corner, seeing Grey’s navy-blue shirt and wide shoulders.
I freeze.
No. No. This isn’t right, no. Grey is . . . he’s kissing Atlas. I watch them for a second. I can’t fully believe what I’m seeing. He’s kissing him. Atlas’s eyes are closed and he’s holding onto to him like he’s terrified he’ll float away.
Grey’s own hands are gripping his wrists as Atlas cups his face.
No. I feel like I’m standing here for hours when it’s probably only seconds. I need to leave. I can’t believe this. I step back, my foot scuffing the floor. Atlas snaps back, and our eyes meet. His eyes widen. The entire thing takes maybe a second, but it feels like hours.
“What the fuck!” Grey rips out of his grip. Angry. Angry at me, most likely. “Wait, no. Felix. Wait, this isn’t . . .”
“I can’t believe this.” I run so fast down the hall. I can’t believe how fucking stupid I am. How could I believe this would be different? Grey is a famous athlete. Why would he even want to be with me? Atlas is younger, and hotter, and more of everything that I’m not.
I burst through the doors, panic seizing my lungs. I can’t believe how stupid I was to let myself believe this was different. I push my way through bodies, just needing to get out of here. “Hey?” Oli catches my wrist.
I snatch it out of his hand. “I have to go.” I’m barely containing my tears. I pull away from him, ignoring the question on his face. I can’t believe this.
I can barely see the stairs through the tears burning my eyes. I don’t know where I’m going. I just can’t stay here with him. Grey has our return tickets, but I do have my own money. I still have a lot left since I never spent much of it. I have to find a flight. I have to get out of here.
I have nowhere to go.
Maybe I can stay in a hotel until I can get my things from Grey’s. I’m sure he’ll pay to ship my shit if it means he gets Atlas all to himself.
I’m out of breath before I hit the hotel lobby.
All I want is to get my things and get out of here.
I take the elevator up to our room, my eyes stinging.
I keep blinking back the wall of tears that want to spill.
When I step out onto our floor, I feel it.
It’s a little prickle of awareness. A tiny tap on my brain that says something isn’t quite right.
Maybe it’s because years of abuse have heightened my senses, but something feels off.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up as soon as I enter our room. The air is heavy, weighing down my body as instinct tries to scream at me. I look around and everything is where it should be, but it’s still quiet in a way that twists my gut.
“You know . . .” Icy claws bite into my back. I turn to see Steven walk out of the bathroom. “I am almost impressed.”
This can’t happen. I should have known I’d end up back here. I can’t believe I actually did it. That I escaped. It’s laughable. It’s been nearly six months, and he hasn’t let go. Because he won’t ever let go. He always gets what he wants.
I guess this solves Grey’s problem. Now he can be with Atlas without me hanging around. “What are you doing?”
I slowly back away from him, but it’s no use.
I have no fight left in me. I don’t know what to do.
“Tell you what. If you come with me now, no fuss at all . . .” He throws his hands up.
“If you come with me nice and easy, I won’t put a bullet between his eyes when he comes up here.
” He smiles. “If you want to fight me, I will kill him, his friends who come to check on him, and that sweet girl you were talking to earlier.”
He was there? How the hell did I miss that?! “You can’t do that.” I know he can.
“Cute kid. She his niece? Would be a shame if she had to watch her mother, father, and uncle all die in one night. Don’t worry. She won’t live long enough to be upset.”
“You’re a monster.”
A slow, slimy smile spreads across his face, and I can’t believe I ever found anything to love about him. “Come on, Felix. Enough of the games. Let’s go home.”
I’m going to be sick. Grey will be up soon, though. Maybe not right away, but eventually he’ll come to deal with me. Even if he doesn’t want me, I would never want any harm to come to them all.
Steven may not kill them now, but I won’t risk them being in danger.
“Fine.” I swallow. “Can I get some of my things?”
He shakes his head. “All your shit is at home.” He waves me toward the door. “Let’s go.”
My legs move forward, my feet weighed down as though with cement. “You have to promise you won’t hurt them.”
“I’m a man of my word.” I almost snort. “Let’s go.”
I follow him out. He grabs the back of my neck, steering me down the hall.
For a second I dare look back and up at the camera in the hall.
With one last desperate attempt, I sign for help behind my back.
Not that it will do me any good. He wrenches my head forward.
It’s not like anyone will come looking for me.
Grey will probably think the problem took care of itself.
I’m not coming back from this.
I have no fight left in me. None.
I was stupid to think I ever had any in me to begin with.