Chapter 30
Pa read from the gospel of John for this Sunday’s worship.
It was the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, one of Kate’s favorite passages.
Not just for the miracle of making a dead man come alive once again, but for the fact that Jesus wept when He saw the grief of the people He loved.
It had always comforted her, knowing that her Lord cared about her enough to share in her trials and her grief.
Yet she couldn’t seem to concentrate. Maybe she was just tired. She had tossed and turned all night, restlessly listening to the rising wind as a storm had come down from the Wind River Range and stayed to blow fiercely even still.
She kept looking out the window to where Jacob had disappeared into the mountains.
He’d be out in that storm. Kate’s skin warmed.
She shouldn’t even be thinking about him.
But he pulled at her like a magnet, her eyes and heart drawn northward again and again until she couldn’t fight it anymore.
Lord, if I can’t stop thinking about him, change the cadence of my thoughts toward him.
Help me see him as you do, not as I do. And so she prayed.
Every time she looked out the window and saw the image of Jacob riding away from her into the mountains, she prayed for him.
Take care of him, Lord. Wherever he is, keep him safe.
Pa closed the Bible with a soft thump and raised a rousing “amen.” Kate murmured a response but stayed sitting next to Ma by the fire. She glanced out the window again.
“Are you all right, Katherine? You seem distracted this morning.”
“I’m fine, Ma. Just worried about the storm, I guess.”
“It’ll pass.”
“Yes, of course.”
They sat in silence for a long while listening to Pa and Ian chatting idly at the table. Ma cleared her throat. “Andrew’s been working hard building you a cabin.”
“Mmhmm.”
“He even stayed out there in this weather to keep at it, to have it ready.”
“Yes, he’s been workin’ very hard.”
Ma paused. Then said, “Christmas is coming soon.”
“Fourteen more days,” Kate responded quickly. She fought the urge to look out the window again.
“I distinctly remember feeling more and more nervous in the weeks before my wedding.” Ma laid a gentle hand on Kate’s knee. “It’s okay if you’re nervous.”
Kate let out a tense laugh. “That’s good. I’m glad I’m not the only one.”
Ma looked at her for a long moment. “But you’re excited?”
“Of course I’m excited. I’m gettin’ married.”
“And you’re happy?”
“Yes, Ma, I’m happy,” she responded curtly, irritation flaring, uncomfortable being under the magnifying glass of her mother’s intuition. “Why wouldn’t I be happy?”
Ma’s brow furrowed. “Have I upset you?”
“I just don’t want to be peppered with questions all the time.” Kate knew she sounded ill-tempered. Pa and Ian shared a glance across the table and dropped their voices to a low whisper. She itched for Ma to change the topic.
“I was just asking if you were happy.”
“I’m happy, all right? No need to beat a dead horse.”
“Kate, this isn’t like you.”
“What’s not like me?” Kate snapped.
“You’re so tense! You rarely smile. You don’t play your fiddle anymore, and you haven’t gone for a ride in weeks!”
“Just gettin’ used to what my life will be like,” Kate said sullenly.
“What do you mean?”
“Andrew made it clear I won’t have time for anythin’ but bein’ his wife and havin’ his babies.”
“He said that?”
“Yes, he said that. Isn’t that what gettin’ married is all about?” Kate’s voice rose in intensity. She couldn’t seem to moderate it.
Ma looked concerned. “What makes you think that’s all marriage is?”
“Because that’s what everyone says it is!
” Kate yelled. “You get married and you become a wife and you forget yourself to serve your husband and your family.” She shot up out of her seat and started pacing in front of the fire, her faded calico skirts swishing forcefully with every step.
She was coming unhinged. She didn’t know how to stop it.
Ma turned to her, pained earnestness in her eyes. “Katherine, the Lord never tells us to forget ourselves to become a wife. He tells us to bring all that we have in us to bring glory to Him in all circumstances, including our marriage.”
“Sounds like a nice dream,” Kate spat.
Ma got up and clasped Kate’s shoulders firmly, forcing her to stop. “Katherine, do you want to marry Andrew?”
“No!”
The answer exploded out of her before she even knew her own thoughts. She clamped a hand over her mouth, eyes wide. A deep silence descended on the little cabin. Kate just stared into her mother’s anguished face.
“Oh Kate,” Ma whispered. “Why didn’t you say so?”
“Because … because it was the right thing to do! It made you so happy! This was my one chance to finally do somethin’ right.” She fought to hold back the sobs that threatened to break free from her chest.
Ma laid a gentle hand on Kate’s cheek. “My darling girl. You do not have to get married if you don’t want to.”
Her mother’s soft words broke something inside, and, like a dam being burst, all the roiling emotions that had been pent up inside for months spilled out, and she wept.
Kate fell to the floor and wept while her mother held her and rocked her like a baby, and she cried and cried and cried until she was utterly spent and there was nothing left but the sound of her ragged breathing and the warm, steady thump of her mother’s comforting heartbeat.
She felt her father’s strong arms wrap her in a fierce yet tender hug, his solidness a balm to her broken heart.
“I’m sorry, Pa,” she whispered hoarsely.
“Ach, lass, whatd’ya have to be sorry for?”
Her voice hiccupped with remnant sobs. “For disappointin’ you. For disappointin’ everyone.”
He gently held her at arm’s length and cupped her chin until she met his eyes.
The tender love she saw there made her chin wobble.
“Katie-bird, my sweet, wee girl, I’d only be disappointed if you’d’ve gotten married just to make others happy.
I want you to be loved for all of who you are, not just for who you think you should be for someone else. ”
Kate didn’t think she had any more tears inside her, but at his soft words, she collapsed into his arms and cried again, this time in blessed relief, weights that she didn’t know she’d been carrying dropping like broken millstones from around her neck.