Chapter 31
The storm broke sometime in the night, and the December sun rose on drifts of sparkling snow stretching to every horizon.
Kate spent the next two days in deep conversation with Ma and Pa, sharing her heart, learning more about God’s grace, leaning on their wisdom and loving care.
She reveled in the peace that had settled in her heart.
She hadn’t realized how anxious and forlorn she’d felt until she was no longer suffocating under the weight of it.
She felt like a child again, being carried by arms far stronger than hers, knowing she was completely loved.
On the third day she looked out the window and spotted Andrew riding along the frozen creek bed.
Kate’s heart jolted, waves of dread washing over her.
She slowly dried her hands on her apron.
She knew what she had to do. But rallying the courage to do it proved a daunting task.
She just wanted to stay in this cocoon of support and care that had surrounded her these last days, but she knew she needed to face reality once again. Andrew deserved to know.
Her mother joined her at the window. “So. He’s back.”
“Yes.”
“What do you want to do?”
Kate took a deep breath. “I have to tell him. The sooner the better.”
Ma kissed her cheek. “I’m proud of you. I’ll be praying.”
“Thanks, Ma,” Kate said with a tight smile as she donned her jacket and shawl. Pouring a steaming cup of coffee, she went to meet Andrew in the barn.
He was rubbing down his gelding with handfuls of straw.
It was the most disheveled she’d ever seen him.
His normally clean-shaven face was covered with a week's worth of stubble, and his clothes were stiff with grime. He looked tired. Kate’s heart fell.
Maybe this wasn’t the best time to talk about this.
But she imagined him bringing up the topic of the wedding around the dinner table and the brittle awkwardness that would follow. She took a breath and strode inside.
“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” he said, tossing her a smile over the back of his horse.
“You were gone a long while.”
He grunted. “Lots of work to do. Then got held up by that storm.”
“Yes, that was somethin’. So much snow.” She shifted on her feet. How do you begin a difficult, life-altering conversation?
He nodded to the cup in her hand. “That for me?”
“Oh, yes, of course.” She handed him the steaming brew. “I thought you could use some warmin’ up.”
He took a sip and sighed, sitting down on a crate next to the door. “That done hits the spot.”
Kate took the milking stool and sat down next to him, back straight, hands clasped tightly in her lap. Lord, I don’t want to hurt him. Help me find the words.
Andrew stretched out his long legs and pushed his hat to the back of his head, his dark hair falling across his forehead. He took another sip and said, “So anythin’ excitin’ happen while I was gone?”
Kate froze. Lord, please ease this news. Help it land softly. “Well, not excitin’. But somethin’ … important.”
He looked at her, eyebrows raised. “Sounds serious.”
“It is,” Kate said. Her heart tried to beat out of her chest. She had no idea how he would react.
She cleared her throat. There was only one way to find out.
“Andrew, you’re a good man. I care for you.
And my family cares for you as well. You’re hardworkin’ and loyal, and any woman would be lucky to have you. ”
His dark eyes narrowed. “I have a feelin’ there’s a ‘but’ comin’.”
Kate looked down. “But”—she swallowed hard—“I can’t marry you.”
He went completely still. Then he slowly set his coffee cup on the ground and leaned forward onto his knees, his hands clenched into fists. Kate couldn’t see his face. The silence was as taut as a bowstring.
Andrew took off his hat and ran a hand roughly through his hair. “I should’ve known,” he said softly. He looked at her, his face rigid. “I should’ve known. You clammed up every time we talked about the weddin’.”
“Andrew, let me explain—”
“Explain what?” he burst out. “That you strung me along like a dog on a chain, only to drop me like some rotten piece of garbage?”
“No, Andrew, that’s not it at all! I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
He scoffed. “Oh, that’s rich! You had plenty of time to say no. I courted you for weeks! And now you reject me days before we’re gonna be married?”
“I didn’t know until now!”
“Didn’t know what?” he shouted, bolting to his feet.
“That we were never suited for each other! Andrew, listen to me. You want someone who is meek and mild, a girl who would be content to stay at home and keep your house for you. I’m not like that, Andrew.
I’ve never been the perfect young lady who would become the perfect young wife.
I would be tryin’ to be someone I’m not, and I’d drown under the weight of it.
And I would make you miserable. We’d do nothin’ but fight!
Andrew, you must see it. I’m not the woman for you.
You deserve someone who absolutely adores you, and you’ll find that one day, I pray to God you will.
But I am not that woman. I can’t make you happy. ”
He stood there for a long time, hands on his hips, not meeting her eyes. He looked up at the rough-hewn ceiling of the barn and laughed bitterly. “It’s Jacob, isn’t it?”
Kate’s breath caught. “What about Jacob?”
“I saw the way you looked at him when he came back here. You’ve been in love with him this whole time.” A muscle ticked in his jaw.
“Jacob’s gone, Andrew. He has nothin’ to do with why—”
“But you ain’t denyin’ it.” He whirled on her, eyes alight with jealousy. “Tell me it ain’t so. Tell me you don’t love him.”
“I—I might’ve had feelings for him at one point, but he’s gone now and—”
“I knew it,” he spat. “Well, you and him can be happy together, if he ever makes it out of them mountains alive.”
“Andrew, please, let’s talk about this.”
“Naw, I’m done talkin’. I’m done with this. I’m done with you,” he said viciously. He stalked out of the barn and into the bright afternoon sunlight.
It was past dark and past supper before Andrew came back to the homestead. He knocked loudly on the door of the cabin. Kate hurried to answer.
“Can we talk?” he asked in a tight voice.
“Of course.” She looked around the cramped cabin, her parents and Ian trying valiantly to feign obliviousness. “Let me get my coat.”
Back in the barn with a lantern lit, Kate clasped her hands and waited for Andrew to break the frigid silence. He stared at the floor, his breath misting gently in the cold air.
“I’ll pack up my things and leave tomorrow.”
“I see,” she said quietly. “Where will you go?”
“I’ll winter in Fort Laramie. Head to California in the spring.” He nodded, his face a stony mask. “You’re right, ’course.”
“About what?”
“We’d never be happy together.”
Kate just nodded.
“I’m gonna leave this place. Maybe get rich on California gold.” He laughed sardonically. “Now that you’re here, I doubt you’d ever leave this valley.”
Kate looked down, trying not to feel the sting that laced his words. “If that’s the life you truly want, you should go find it. I want you to be happy, Andrew.”
“Yeah, it’ll be good to be on my own again, not tied down. Your family’s got a good thing started here. They’ll take care of you.”
She glanced up at him. His face had softened just a little. She smiled sadly. Their hearts might be chipped and bruised, but they weren’t shattered. In time they would heal. Kate stuck out a hand. “Friends?”
He looked at her hand, then her face. He clasped her hand briefly. “Friends.”
Kate felt a sad sort of relief. Relieved that it didn’t need to be any more complicated than this.
Saddened that he didn’t even try to fight for her.
It confirmed everything though. If he truly knew her, truly loved her, he wouldn’t let her go so easily.
Her heart clenched in a different kind of pain as she thought of the miles of wilderness Jacob had crossed just to tell her he loved her.
Yet despite all the heartache she’d just endured, Kate had peace.
And that was enough. She left Andrew standing stoically in the barn and walked back to the cabin. He didn’t watch her go.
She quietly stepped inside, returning her family’s questioning looks with a small smile and turning to her room, needing to be alone, needing to process all that her life had been and all the vast unknown of what it now could be.
Kate sat down on the edge of her small bed and released a long breath. What now?
Her eyes lit upon the fiddle case sitting dusty and forlorn on the high shelf above the door.
She stood and slowly brought it down to place it on her lap.
Undoing the clasps, she opened the lid and gazed at the rich mahogany fiddle nestled in the worn and faded velvet.
She hesitated. It had been so long since she’d played.
It was like sitting with an old friend that she’d ignored for months. How do you start again?
As her fingers caressed the nicks and scratches etched on the beloved instrument’s surface, a song rose up from deep inside, and a soft smile played on her lips.
She reverently lifted the fiddle from its bed and placed it under her chin.
It was a feeling as familiar as slipping into a perfectly worn pair of shoes.
She deftly tuned the neglected strings and drew resin across her bow. Then she began to play.
The rich tones of the gently vibrating strings filled the little room just as surely as the words of the hymn filled her heart and soul and mind with their truth.
Jesus, lover of my soul, let me to thy bosom fly,
while the nearer waters roll, while the tempest still is high;
hide me, O my Savior, hide, till the storm of life is past;
safe into the haven guide, O receive my soul at last!
Kate played with all the pent-up passion she had buried deep inside when Danny died and Jacob left and she had shut away part of herself to do the right thing and make it through the endless days of toil and grief.
As she played, she heard the deep voice of her father singing along in the other room and she smiled, tears welling up and slipping down her cheeks to join their salty timbre to the notes that wafted around her like delicious smells and sweet memories.
The peace of the Lord settled on her, reaching down to her very marrow and soul. And she knew that, whether she found love again or not, she was a cherished child of God, valued beyond measure, and that no matter what her future held, she would do all that she could to glorify Him.