Chapter 38
38
S o what’s the plan?” JJ asks, trying not to let his shoulders hunch as Roma leads the way towards Lakeside.
“Your boyfriend might not trust Bryant’s skills,” Roma says, “but I do. If the Sanctum tails her, she’ll shake them off before she meets us. The three of us will have a conversation, maybe order some sushi. Hopefully, we can convince Bryant to leave with us and stay at my apartment, but if not, then we’ll help her make an escape plan.”
“Sounds good,” JJ says, but hard unease is coiling in his stomach. Months ago, weeks ago, the thought of mapping out strategies with his strike team made his mind feel calm and clear, made adrenaline sing through his veins, made him feel like they could conquer the world??—
Now, though, everything is just scattered.
That’s who you were, who you had to be, but it’s not who you are anymore.
JJ tries to ignore the memory of Cass’s voice, but it’s a losing battle. After the beautiful morning they had, after Cass brought JJ to the place where he was summoned and let JJ touch his true form and took JJ apart on that stupid fluffy blanket??—
After all that, JJ can barely believe everything fell apart so quickly. Determinedly, he pushes the thoughts away. “And Chester? You said that Bryant hasn’t been able to talk with him much, but…”
Roma shoots him a sideways glance. “You mentioned a few weeks ago that Chester would probably jump at the chance for a life on the outside. I know that I shot you down, but?—but I think you might’ve been right. You know him better than I do, after all.”
“I…” JJ grimaces, looking away. “I hope so.”
After all, he thought he knew Cass, too. He really thought they recognized a piece of themselves in each other, really thought they shared that overwhelming drive to protect their loved ones no matter the cost, but??—
There is a reason I was summoned here, and it’s for the two of you.
And how can Cass decide that so easily? After centuries of winning wars and toppling dictatorships, how can Cass look JJ in the eye and say he’s done with all that?
How can Cass abandon his old ideals?—his old life?— and commit himself instead to two people he met less than three months ago?
Roma is talking again. JJ forces himself to tune back in. “And even if Bryant decides to come with us today, I’m sure we can find a way to contact Chester. We all have his phone number memorized, after all. Calling him from a burner could potentially put him at risk, but if it’s our only option, then it might be worth it.”
“Right,” JJ says quietly, and a pang twists through him.
He would love it if they got Bryant and Chester back. Bryant would probably struggle with the transition, just like Roma did, but they would make it through together?—JJ knows they would.
Chester might have trouble, too, but for different reasons. After so many years of interrogating?— torturing?— demons and dissidents alike, adjusting back to civilian life might be more difficult than expected.
Although Cass managed it smoothly enough. JJ grits his teeth, trying to shove the thoughts down, but they just keep bubbling back to the surface, prodding and insistent.
JJ can understand Cass’s immediate and undying loyalty to Desi. She’s small and innocent and extremely adoptable, as both JJ and Cass discovered. JJ isn’t surprised that Cass is willing to leave his campaigns behind until she’s old enough to survive on her own.
But why would Cass change his life for JJ? It doesn’t make any sense. JJ is a nobody. No, worse than a nobody?—he’s a hunter, someone who was trained to hurt and kill demons like Cass.
Worse than that, actually. Because JJ is a former hunter, someone with all the skills and the knowledge and the insidious hatred he’s been trying so hard to unlearn, but without the enchantments that truly let him protect people.
He’s a retired hunter. An obsolete hunter.
A failed hunter.
Cass, though? Cass is everything. Strong, brilliant, protective, caring. Skilled with every weapon he touches, a master of every martial art known to humankind. A great chef, a loyal friend, an amazing dad. Always ready to defend those who can’t defend themselves, always willing to set differences and disagreements aside for the greater good.
He’s everything JJ wants and everything JJ wants to be. JJ loves him, and??—
JJ stops dead.
Roma pauses, frowning back at him. “JJ?”
“I?—?”
JJ loves Cass. He loves him.
He’s in love with Cassius Chin. Part of him has known that for weeks, obviously?—he doesn’t think this morning ever would’ve happened otherwise?—but the full reality of it didn’t hit him until now.
Because love isn’t a fleeting emotion or a passive state of being. It’s a choice. It’s a series of decisions that JJ makes every day, subtly restructuring his thoughts and his actions, gradually transforming him into the best version of himself.
Not to prove himself to Cass or to make Cass love him back, but just because his feelings for Cass make him want to be better.
And that doesn’t make his love for his friends any less profound, but it does change the math a bit. Because JJ didn’t agree to this mission because he loves his friends, not really.
He agreed to it because falling into his old role of Strike Team Kappa’s self-sacrificial protector was the path of least resistance. Because, up until recently, he didn’t know how to be anyone else.
Didn’t know how to be anyone except who the Sanctum turned him into.
But Cass wants someone who’ll live for him, not someone who’ll die for him. So does Desi. JJ has to imagine that Roma, Bryant, and Chester feel the same way.
You can always start over.
And JJ might not have centuries to remake himself, but maybe he can start right now. “I’m sorry,” he blurts out. “Cass was right. This is a bad idea. If anything happens to me, it’s going to wreck him and Desi. And I’m?—?” He shakes his head, laughing awkwardly. “I wouldn’t be very useful in a fight, anyway. The Sanctum stripped away my enchantments, and my combat skills are rusty. I’d be more of a liability than anything else.”
Roma’s eyes widen. “What? No. JJ??—?”
“I don’t want you to go in alone, of course,” JJ adds, and he fumbles out his phone, tapping into Roma’s contact. “I’ll call you right now, and you can mute my side of the line. Cass and I will listen in, and if anything goes wrong, we’ll rift over and get you out of there, and??—?”
“JJ.” Roma steps forward, her eyes blazing. “JJ, I don’t care if you’re not the fighter you used to be, okay? We’re still a team. We’re still Strike Team Kappa, and we can?—we can fix this, okay? We’ll all be back together, and everything will be like it used to be, and??—?”
We can fix this? A shiver of trepidation snakes down JJ’s spine. “We wouldn’t be ‘fixing’ anything, Roma. We’d be starting over on the outside. It wouldn’t be anything like it used to be. Yes, we’d be together, but we wouldn’t be Kappa anymore. We’d be civilians.”
Something indecipherable flashes across Roma’s face. “Yeah. That’s what I meant. We’ll be together, and??—?”
“What exactly is the Council doing that has Bryant so worried?” JJ cuts in. There’s a sudden roaring in his ears, his instincts firing in an all-too-familiar pattern. “Because if they’re making a purebred doubt herself, then Cass was right. They’d tail her. Honestly, I’m shocked they’re letting her leave the grounds at all. And why would Bryant reach out before Chester?”
Roma’s jaw works. “JJ.”
All at once, the pieces snap together. JJ takes a sharp step away, horror flooding through him. “You never left,” he says numbly. “You never left the Sanctum, did you? You?—you’ve been under orders all this time. How??—??”
Roma’s posture shifts. Instead of the casual, relaxed, civilian stance she’s had for the past few weeks, her shoulders are suddenly pulled back and her head is held high and??—
And that’s a hunter’s posture. JJ’s stomach plummets.
“Look,” she says, holding up her hands like she’s talking down a scared animal, “I’m trying to fix things. We’re trying to fix things, me and Bryant and Chester. That demon clearly used the kid to get into your head, but JJ??—?”
“‘That demon’ has a name, Gutierrez,” JJ snarls, anger boiling through him. “And Desi isn’t a weapon. They didn’t do anything except show me unconditional love for the first time in twelve years.”
Roma jerks back like he slapped her. “JJ, we love you! Bryant and I love you, Chester loves you??—?”
“No. No, you don’t,” JJ says. His heart feels raw. “Apparently, you don’t even know me well enough to see when I’m happy. I was suffocating back at the Sanctum, and I felt the Council’s disapproval bearing down on me every single day, and?—and you and Bryant never did a damn thing to stop it. You didn’t even notice it.”
Roma’s face shuts down. “I always noticed it, JJ. Mixed breed, remember?”
“That’s even worse.” JJ’s hands are trembling. “Because you never tried to help me. You never even talked to me about it. All I wanted was to know that I wasn’t alone. And Chester??—?”
You really think the Sanctum did it on purpose?
I wouldn’t put it past them.
“Chester is the only one who really understood what I was going through,” JJ says, “and the Sanctum made sure to take him away from me as soon as they could. But they’re not going to take this away from me, Roma. They’re not going to take Cass and Desi away from me, and??—?”
Abruptly, his blood runs cold.
Could you rift me to you?
“The Courtyard was only ten minutes away. We could’ve rifted to you. We could’ve walked to you.”
Roma’s expression flickers. “JJ??—?”
“You sent them our location.” The words sound hollow in JJ’s ears. “We let you out of our sight for two minutes, and?—and you sent Cass’s address to the Sanctum. Didn’t you?”
Roma steps forward, a steely glint in her eyes. “It’s going to be better this way, okay? We’ll have Chin, and we’ll undo whatever he did to you, and??—?”
JJ stumbles away, his eyes darting down to the phone in his hand. Hastily, he swipes out of Roma’s contact, hits the button to call Cass??—
Roma moves in a blur of motion that JJ’s eyes are too slow to track. Pain splits through his fingers as his phone clatters to the blacktop ten feet away, and JJ snatches his hand to his chest with a gasp, eyes watering from the bite of hard metal against his knuckles.
The blunt end of an ax. Roma readjusts her grip on her favorite weapon and drops into her fight stance. “JJ,” she says, her voice deathly quiet, “please don’t make me do this.”
Adrenaline roars through JJ’s veins. As easily as breathing, he lifts his hand and snatches an escrima stick out of thin air. “I’m not making you do anything, Gutierrez.”
Roma’s jaw tightens. For the barest hint of a second, JJ thinks that maybe she’s reconsidering, that maybe she’s realizing JJ has a point, that maybe she’ll let him leave without a fight??—
And then she bursts forward, her ax whipping towards JJ’s midsection, and JJ’s battle-honed instincts snap into overdrive to take down his newest enemy.
It’s not about the mission. Really, it’s not.
It’s about everything the stupid mission represents.
Cass paces restlessly across his living room, trying to corral his whirlwind thoughts into some semblance of cohesion. Right now, though, they’re flying all over the place, spiraling from anger to concern to heartbreak and straight back to anger.
He still can’t believe JJ left so easily. Still can’t believe he dropped everything the second Roma showed up, still can’t believe he walked out on everything Cass and JJ shared this morning.
Still can’t believe he abandoned all their plans for the afternoon. Cass scoffs to himself. Clearly, building and solidifying their fragile new relationship wasn’t nearly as important to JJ as blindly following Roma straight back into danger, and??—
The thought stops him in his tracks. Belatedly, a tendril of guilt snakes into his stomach.
Cuddling with his boyfriend versus rescuing one of his best friends. Well, when Cass puts it like that, it sounds kind of… petty.
Maybe that’s how JJ saw the situation. Maybe that was part of the problem.
Maybe that was why he left.
But it’s not about the cuddling. Sighing, Cass collapses onto his couch, kicking his feet up on the coffee table. It’s not about JJ choosing his friends over Cass, because if their roles were reversed?—if Ez and Obie were in danger?—then Cass would’ve made the exact same decision. Romantic relationships are precious and important, but they don’t replace other relationships.
Don’t replace friendships.
He would never want to make JJ choose between Cass and his friends. He just??—
He just wants JJ to realize that he doesn’t have to volunteer for every battle anymore. Just wants JJ to realize that his life has meaning and purpose and value beyond dying for the people he loves. Just wants JJ to take care of himself, to see his own worth, to be his own person.
He just wants JJ to leave the shadow of the Sanctum behind him. That’s all.
Cass scrubs a hand down his face, letting out a slow breath.
Maybe he did overreact a bit. As long as all goes well, this is just going to be a conversation between JJ, Roma, and Bryant. If Cass is lucky, JJ might even bring home some churros for him.
As long as the Sanctum doesn’t tail Bryant. And as long as Bryant herself is telling the truth. And as long as??—
Cass’s stomach churns. He pushes himself to his feet and starts pacing again.
Too many unknowns. Too many ways JJ is willingly putting himself in harm’s way.
Too many scenarios that end with him being taken away from Cass and Desi permanently.
When JJ comes home, he and Cass are going to need to have a long conversation about this?—about their relationship, their family, their future. About why it bothered Cass that JJ left and how they can start to move forward from that.
Hopefully, they can still fix things.
Cass’s ringtone nearly makes him jump a foot in the air. Relief crashes through him as he fumbles out his phone, sees JJ’s name on the caller ID, and swipes into the call. “You okay, JJ?”
Silence is the only thing that greets him. He frowns down at the screen, making sure the call didn’t disconnect, before trying again. “Hello? JJ?”
More silence. Muffled noises in the background, too far away for Cass to distinguish. Uneasily, he ends the call, presses the redial button, and waits.
And waits.
And waits.
And?—
“The person you are trying to reach is not available. Please? ? —?”
Swearing, Cass disconnects the line, his mind racing.
JJ would never ignore a call from Cass. Couple that with the fact that JJ and Roma are currently headed towards a tactically disadvantaged location to meet with a hunter who has every reason to betray them and very little motivation not to??—
Yep. Cass is going to Lakeside. Even if he’s overreacting, it’s better than not reacting at all. He shoves his phone back into his pocket, snaps his fingers to open a rift??—
Nothing happens.
Scowling, he takes a deep breath, resets his stance, and tries to clear his mind. Ez always emphasizes how heightened emotions can affect spellcasting, and considering his current anxiety, he isn’t surprised that basic magic is eluding him. He closes his eyes, flicks his wrist precisely??—
And is greeted by a whole lot of nothing. Bewildered, Cass snaps his fingers a few more times, frowning down at his hands.
That doesn’t make sense. He’s been doing this spell for centuries with very few issues, and even if he’s worried and distracted right now, he’s opened rifts under much worse circumstances. As far as he knows, there’s nothing else that could interfere with a rift spell, except??—
Except an anti-rifting zone.
A prickle of unease runs down Cass’s spine. Why would there be an anti-rifting zone here? Is a summoner wreaking havoc nearby? Is the Sanctum wreaking havoc nearby? Is that why Bryant chose today to sneak out, because the other hunters are busy? Or??—
All at once, Cass’s blood runs cold.
Could you rift me to you?
Was the Sanctum keeping tabs on Roma? Were they able to pinpoint Cass’s location through her? Or??—
Or was she never on their side in the first place?
He can figure that out later. Right now, he needs to get out of here and get to JJ.
And he barely has enough time to turn towards the front door before he feels the telltale buzz of an alarm spell at the base of his neck.
The one that means Ez’s defensive spells around his house were just breached.