Chapter 43
43
O kay, so I was lying,” Ez says without preamble. “‘Dicey’ was a vast understatement. With this level of damage, there isn’t enough of his soul left to knit itself back together. Couple that with the amount of energy he’ll need to heal all his injuries, and he has less than a five percent chance of surviving the next few hours.”
Obie winces. “I was afraid you were going to say that.”
JJ’s stomach bottoms out. “What? But you said you could heal him!”
“I can heal some of his physical injuries,” Ez says emphatically, and she hovers a glowing hand over Cass’s still form. Within seconds, the worst of his bruising starts to fade, lacerations weaving themselves back together. Cass grunts and stiffens in his sleep, trembling as his corrosion burns stretch and warp together, before falling silent again. “But that’s barely enough to decrease the workload on his soul.”
JJ’s pulse is roaring in his ears. Less than a five percent chance of surviving? After everything he and Cass have been through, everything they’ve fought past and overcome, everything they’ve accomplished and everything they’ve sacrificed??—
This can’t be the end, can it?
“But there has to be something you can do, right?” It sounds like he’s begging. He can’t even bring himself to care. “You?—you mentioned some unconventional spells. There has to be one that can help, right? There has to be??—?”
“Oh, there is,” she says, and she presses her lips together. “But it’s not something I wanted Cass to hear.”
Suddenly, Obie goes still. “Ez. You’re not thinking??—??”
“It would jump-start the healing process,” Ez argues. “Look at him, Obie. They shredded his soul. Extraordinary problems require extraordinary solutions.”
“Cass is going to kill you,” Obie says. “You understand that, right? He’s literally going to murder you for knocking him out just to suggest this.”
Unease trickles down JJ’s spine. “What are you two talking about?”
“There’s a spell,” Ez says. She doesn’t look happy about it. “I can use it to create a soul bond between you and Cass. That would give him the energy he needs to heal himself.”
All at once, JJ’s blood runs cold.
In its most basic form, a soul bond is a connection between two souls. Demons can harvest a human’s soul energy through one of these bonds to vastly increase their own power.
So that’s probably what they’d do to you.
“Right,” JJ hedges. “I’ve, um. I’ve heard of soul bonds before. But I?—I thought they had to be consensual? If Cass doesn’t agree??—?”
Ez is already shaking her head. “That’s only if both parties’ souls are intact and undamaged. It would require your consent, because your soul is healthy, but Cass…” She winces. “There’s a loophole in the spell work to allow for life-saving interventions, and Cass’s soul is long past that threshold. I don’t like involving him in a spell without his explicit agreement, but—but I don’t think he’d even consider it. And we need to consider every option right now. Just this once, I’d rather ask for forgiveness than permission.”
JJ’s heart hurts. After everything Cass has done for JJ, he hates the idea of going behind Cass’s back like this, but?—
But he hates the idea of losing Cass even more. He swallows hard. “And?—and it’ll definitely help him? It’ll??—??”
Obie catches his hesitation. “I hate to say it,” he says softly, “but whatever propaganda the Sanctum taught you is probably close to the truth. Human souls have higher energy, but demon souls are more powerful. And demons throughout history have taken advantage of soul bonds to drain humans until there’s nothing left.”
“But,” Ez says pointedly, “that’s only if the bond is left unchecked. As long as I break the connection in time, it’ll just function as a quick boost to Cass’s soul, almost like jumping a car battery. You might feel a bit weak and tired for a few days, but it won’t be any worse than the aftermath of donating blood.”
“And if you don’t break the connection in time?”
Ez pauses. Glances meaningfully at Desi before raising her eyebrows at JJ.
Right. If Ez doesn’t sever the bond quickly enough, then JJ will die. She just doesn’t want to say that in front of Desi. JJ takes a deep, steadying breath. “But you’ve done this a thousand times before, right? So you know you can break it in time?”
Ez hesitates. “Not exactly.”
“Ez,” Obie says, exasperated. “You can’t just recommend a varsity-level spell that you’ve never cast!”
“I didn’t say I’ve never cast it,” Ez argues. “Just that I haven’t cast it often. And, um. And not in the past fifty years or so.”
JJ’s stomach roils. He looks back over at Cass, at how still and silent he is, at how his normally animated face is pale and hollow. Even with the worst of his injuries healed, he looks almost… lifeless.
And JJ never wants him to look like this again.
“We can try something else.” Ez’s voice is quiet. “I know we’ve had our differences, JJ, but I don’t want you to die. And the fact that I had to knock Cass out before suggesting this speaks volumes about his opinion on the matter. I wouldn’t have even mentioned it if I didn’t think it was our only chance.”
“No,” JJ says, and he squares his shoulders. “No, I’ll do it. You’re the best spellcaster on the East Coast, right? If you say it’s the best option, then I?—I trust you.”
“Trust has nothing to do with it, Jackson.” Obie’s eyes are shadowed. “This is genuinely life or death. I’ve been alive a lot longer than Ez and Cass, and I think I’ve seen maybe two soul bonds where both parties walked away alive. And that’s out of hundreds.”
The memory of Cass’s voice whispers through JJ’s mind. I’m still sure.
“I’m still sure,” JJ says firmly.
“JJ?—?” Desi reaches over Cass to wrap her little hands around JJ’s big one. “JJ, it sounds really scary.”
JJ squeezes her hands. “I’ve done really scary things before. And if it makes Cass better, it’ll be worth it, right?”
And Desi needs her dad. She needs Cass alive.
Having JJ for eighty years would be nice, but having Cass for eternity would be better.
Obie considers JJ with narrowed eyes. “Ez,” he says eventually. “Could you tap me into the spell?”
She looks startled. “You? Why?”
“Because I might be able to decrease the risk,” he says, and he leans forward. “If JJ goes into the bond focusing on a specific memory?—a memory with him and Cass, one where they’re on equal footing?—and I can help him maintain it, then it might modulate the power imbalance between them. Bring their souls into closer alignment, so to speak.”
Ez’s eyes dart around like she’s reading an invisible spell book in the air. “That… could work, actually,” she says, and she glances at JJ. “It would have to be an important memory, though?— the most important memory you have with Cass. Can you think of anything like that?”
JJ’s thoughts immediately shoot back to this morning, to Cass kissing his way down JJ’s belly while the warm sun and the cool breeze curled across JJ’s skin. Just as quickly, though, he discards the idea. It’s not that it wasn’t an important memory, of course, but??—
But it’s just not the one he needs. It was special and private and beautiful, and JJ is going to treasure it for the rest of his life, but it felt more like the natural culmination of everything they’ve been through than the most important memory he has with Cass. He mentally flips through the past few months, searching for the best memories, the most meaningful ones, all the way back to the hard-eyed demon rifting out of JJ’s bedroom with Desi in tow??—
Inspiration strikes. “How about,” he says slowly, looking up at Ez and Obie, “the day we met? Not when he first took Desi, but when we got together at DJ Ice Cream to discuss joint custody a few days later?”
Obie’s eyebrows shoot up. “Good choice. I know that one is important to him, too. We might actually have a chance at this.”
Neither of them looks nearly as confident as JJ wants them to be in this situation. He swallows hard. “All right. What do I have to do?”
“Lie down next to him and hold his hand.” Ez’s voice wavers the slightest bit as JJ complies, threading his fingers through Cass’s. “A physical connection might help to stabilize the bond. And then…” She takes JJ’s other hand in her own before grabbing Obie’s, too. “Obie, this should link you into the spell.”
Obie nods, closing his eyes. Even though he’s not touching JJ, JJ could swear that he feels the demon rifling through his memories again, finding the one he needs and imbuing it with strength. “Ready.”
Unexpectedly, Desi grabs Cass’s other hand. “I want to help, too!” she protests, waggling her fingers towards Obie. “We can make a circle, Uncle Obie!”
JJ’s stomach lurches. “Sweetie, that might not be??—?”
“It’s fine,” Ez cuts in, nodding at Obie. Eyebrows furrowed, he takes Desi’s hand in his own. “There’s no danger of the soul bond hurting her, and circles do have a certain amount of power in spellcasting. Also?—?” She hesitates, considering. “Since the memory is about Desi, having her nearby might make it more effective.”
“We can hope,” Obie says, and his gaze meets JJ’s. “Close your eyes, JJ. Close your eyes and focus on the memory.”
Taking a deep breath, JJ obeys. He thinks about the broad strokes?—the anxiety of pacing around outside of the strip mall, the note with the date and time written in bloodred ink, the chill of the air inside DJ Ice Cream?—before adding in the tiny details, like the chip in his plastic chair and the warm scent of hot fudge and the glint in Cass’s eyes when he ordered JJ to get them a table. And then??—
“Look, are you pissy because I have ice cream and you don’t?”
Demons don’t dream.
“Your butt really does look nice in those jeans. And you’re a damn good father, too.”
They can have nightmares, sure.
“Stupid human. You thought imprisonment and impending execution could get rid of me?”
But nightmares usually only last a few years before subsiding.
“I’ll handle all the little details for now.”
And demons certainly don’t relive their memories whenever they close their eyes.
“But I’ve actually never sparred with these before. Do you want to?”
Something is wrong.
“I will always want you here. That bedroom belongs to you, and this house is your house.”
These aren’t Cass’s memories.
“Hate is learned. It’s not innate. I think both of us still have some unlearning to do, lackey.”
They’re JJ’s memories.
“Well, maybe I’m trying to impress you with my esoteric knowledge of Redwater’s food truck culture.”
Why are JJ’s memories in Cass’s head?
“Tell me what you want, Julian.”
Why is JJ in Cass’s head?
“We’ll try every restaurant, explore every marketplace, visit every monument. Trace constellations and chase eclipses.”
This isn’t right.
“I’m still sure.”
This is dangerous.
“You don’t have to be the person the Sanctum turned you into.”
This is??—
“Look, are you pissy because? ? —?”
“?—?I have ice cream and you don’t?”
JJ jerks to attention with the sensation that he just missed something very important. He sits bolt upright in his chair, whips his head around to scan DJ Ice Cream, and looks back at the wide-eyed demon across the table from him.
Cass. Cassius Chin. JJ knows that. Cassius said it already.
Right?
“I…” Belatedly, JJ registers the demon’s question. “No, I’m?—I’m pissy because you took my kid. You??—?”
“JJ!” Cass unexpectedly slams his hand down on the table, and JJ starts with surprise. “This isn’t real. We already had this conversation, remember? This was months ago.” He leans forward, his jaw set in a hard line. “You’re in my head. Why are you in my head? Why are you??—??”
And then, all at once, JJ remembers. The little field trips into town with Desi, the slowly growing affection with his demonic co-parent, Cass rescuing JJ from the Sanctum, the three of them making a family together???—
Walking away from Cass and paying the price when he got kidnapped.
JJ sucks in a sharp breath, the ice cream parlor?—or the memory of it, at least?—blurring the slightest bit around the edges as he comes back to himself. “Right. Right, I’m?—I’m back. Sorry. Just got confused for a minute.”
Cass’s hands are trembling on the table. “This is a soul bond, isn’t it?” he whispers, fear snaking into his voice. “I can?—I can feel your energy flowing into me.”
“Well, I feel fine so far,” JJ says, which isn’t entirely true. He’s rapidly starting to feel faint and nauseous, but there’s no reason for Cass to know that?—not yet, anyway. “So I guess it’s working, right? And Ez will cut the connection before it does any permanent damage.”
Cass reaches across the table, grabbing JJ’s hands. “You could die. You understand that, right? Usually, only one person makes it out of a soul bond alive, and??—?”
“Yeah, I get that,” JJ says. Even past the lightheadedness, he feels a strange type of peace with the words. “It’s going to be you.”
Cass’s eyes widen. “What? No. JJ??—?”
“You said yourself that you would only get seventy-eight years with me, remember?” JJ says, and he squeezes Cass’s hands lightly. “Rounded up to eighty for convenience. And?—and I know that Desi is going to grow up someday, but I’d still want her to have one of us, even centuries from now. Even millennia from now. You can give that to her. I never could.”
“She wants both of us,” Cass says desperately, his fingers tightening around JJ’s. “I want both of us. I want our family, you and me and Desi. I don’t care if I only get you for eighty years, or forty, or?—or even less than that. We’re better together, JJ.”
JJ’s heart twists. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I know you said you wanted someone who would live for you, not?—not someone who would die for you.”
“Don’t you dare start apologizing, Jackson,” Cass hisses. “You’re not allowed to say goodbye. Don’t??—?”
“You meant everything to me.” The world is starting to feel foggy around JJ. Confusing. Why is he saying that to a demon? Why does he inexplicably care so much? Why??—??
He just came here to get Desi back, right?
Even so, he musters up the strength to continue. “You meant everything to me. You know that, right?”
“Julian.” Cass sounds wrecked. “Don’t do this to me, Julian. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t??—?”
And as the world evaporates into darkness around JJ, he blearily realizes how much he likes it when Cassius Chin says his name.