Chapter 20
twenty
SASHA
This isn’t happening.
This can’t be happening.
I scramble to get the door unlocked before he can get in, but my hands are shaking too much, and by the time he’s sitting in the driver’s seat, we’re already ripping out of the parking lot.
I’m in a car, a car with a very angry man who isn’t thinking about what he’s doing or where he’s going. He’s going to get us killed.
Hot tears run down my cheeks as my back presses against my door, trying to keep as much distance between us as possible.
I want nothing more than to squeeze my eyes shut, but the fear of not knowing what’s happening around me wins.
My eyes dart between him and the road. I can’t stop.
How could he do this? I don’t understand.
I know I should have done something to stop Nathan that night. I hate myself for not doing anything, but I know he heard Davis when he said I was afraid of cars… and he threw me in one anyway.
“Lucas, please.” I manage to get out between sobs, “please stop.”
He doesn’t say anything.
“Lucas,” I scream. “Stop, I can’t do this. Get me out of this car, please. I can’t be in here.”
He speeds up more and more, driving right towards an intersection where we have a red light.
“Lucas,” I say in warning, but he doesn’t slow down. “Lucas stop!”
He runs the red light.
A car skids to a stop seconds before hitting ours.
“No!” My voice cracks from the sheer volume that I’m screaming at, but nothing is getting through to him.
He’s not listening to a word I’m saying, doesn’t have a care in the world that we could have just died.
That’s when I feel it.
The undertow calling my name.
And after months of being too afraid of its call, I finally let the rushing waters take me. They drag me under, into a world of calm, into a world of silence.
When Lucas finally pulls over on the side of the road, I feel all the emotions I was holding back crash into me at once.
I can’t seem to catch my breath, everything around me starts to blur as I fight whatever this feeling is inside my chest. My body shakes, it’s uncontrollable, it’s terrifying, it’s overwhelming.
Lucas slams his fist against the steering wheel.
“Fuck!” He yells.
I scramble out of the car, rushing to the side of the road and falling to my knees in the tall grass.
Clutching my chest, I try to get myself to calm down, I try to breathe, but my body won’t let me.
It’s fighting me on the one basic instinct I’ve never had to think about, and in this moment I think I might die from the tightness in my chest.
It hurts so bad.
The physical and emotional pain radiating through my body is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.
For a second, I think I hear cars pull up behind me, but I can’t force myself out of this long enough to check.
Everything is coming crashing down around me, my whole world is falling apart and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
Maybe this is finally it. Maybe this is the moment when I finally get to join my brother and forget that this horrible thing ever happened. This is my karma for killing the only person I truly had in this world.
I thought I had the others, but after today, I’m not sure I’ll have them for much longer. Claire says she forgives me for what happened with Nathan, but how much longer can she keep that act up? I’m sure she hates me, sure she blames me, and eventually she’ll realize that I’m not a good person.
A good person wouldn’t have let him do that, a good person wouldn’t have killed her brother and his best friend, a good person wouldn’t feel like this… right?
My eyes clench shut, my mind and body in a silent war over who will win. Instinct tells me to live, to survive, but grief fights to pull me under and let me drown.
I want to drown.
I deserve to drown.
A soft hand lands on my shoulder, snapping me out of my spiral just long enough to get me to open my eyes.
Claire is kneeling in the grass next to me.
Why is she here?
Her bright blue eyes are like a lifeline, one that I hold onto for dear life. “Sasha, you’re okay,” she tells me.
“Make. It. Stop.” I choke out between breaths.
“I think you’re having a panic attack. I need you to focus on me for a second so I can help you, okay?”
Wordlessly, I nod my head.
She takes my hand, placing it on her chest so I can feel her heart beat, feel every breath she takes.
It centres me.
“Try to follow my breathing, try to match it, and focus on my heartbeat. Count every single one of them until you feel that weight come off your chest.”
I try, I really do, but it’s so hard.
“Close your eyes, Sash. Focus.”
It takes a second, but eventually I close my eyes.
Calm slowly washes over me, leaving me with a sting from what I can only assume is the aftereffects of adrenaline. That horrible feeling starts to fade, leaving me reeling and in dire need of a long nap.
I’m exhausted.
I’m worn out.
I just want to fall into the grass and let it consume me completely.
My hand falls from Claire’s chest, and when I open my eyes, I see her looking at me hopefully, “thank you.”
She smiles, “I get them too, not so much anymore, but trust me when I say I know how you feel.”
Nodding, I turn my head to see everyone else sitting around us. They’re sitting in a circle, all facing me, all completely quiet while they wait for me.
All of them showed up.
They saw Lucas drag me away and they followed.
One look at Lucas tells me he regrets what he’s done, and while I’m angry, I can’t help but find a sliver of understanding.
He was trying to protect Claire.
His methods were fucked up, but his heart was in the right place… for her.
No one says anything for a while, they all watch me, waiting for me to say something.
I owe them some sort of explanation, a reason as to why I freaked the fuck out. They deserve to know the truth, and I think I’m finally ready to give it to them.
Even after finding out that I was there that night, that I knew what happened —even after the fact— and that I was friends with him… they’re here.
They showed up for me.
They didn’t leave.
“I killed my brother in September, he’s gone because I was driving.” It comes out as a broken whisper.
The words are hard to get out, but once I say them, I know I can’t take them back. This is my reality, and I need to start coming to terms with it.
I killed my brother.
I did that.
For better or for worse, this is my life, and either these people will accept me, or they won’t.
Claire speaks up from beside me, “I miss my dad, sometimes I still pick up the phone when he calls, but I don’t say anything.
” She stares at me for a moment, “I know I shouldn’t, he could have killed me —almost did a couple times— but that little girl that just wanted her dad to love her, takes over when I see his name. ”
She didn’t say the words, but then again, she didn’t have to for me to understand. Her dad used to hit her, and the story behind that scar on her face becomes a little clearer.
Lucas stares at the ground, “my dad used to beat my mom, and sometimes I still hate her for staying for so long.”
He and Claire are cut from the same cloth, two completely different ends, but still the same. He was the protector, the watcher… Claire was the victim, she lived the experience while Lucas watched from the outside.
He protects her like he tried to protect his mom.
“I have a little sister, she’s the product of my mom stepping out on my dad… I haven’t spoken to either of them in years.” August’s voice is strong, but there’s a pain there that I know he’s kept hidden for a very long time.
Steph grabs his hand, “I didn’t know that.”
He shrugs in response, “you weren’t supposed to.”
She nods. “I really fucked up when I was younger, and I don’t think my parents have ever looked at me the same. They say it didn’t change anything, but I know it did.”
I don’t know what happened to her, and I doubt it’s something I ever will, but it’s easy to picture an innocent version of Steph running happily through life and then changing into the stubborn, confrontational version I know today.
Miller pulls at the grass around his feet, looking at me with tears in his eyes, “sometimes I think no one will ever love me because I’m soft, and it scares the shit out of me.”
My heart hurts for him.
His softness is what makes him, him. It’s one of the best parts of him, one of the parts that makes him so easy to approach and talk to. I wonder if someone made him hate that part, or if he naturally became aware of his differences.
Blair leans back on his hands, stretching out and looking up at the sky. “When I find a girl I like, I become so obsessed that I end up driving her away because it’s too much.”
Everyone looks to Johnny, waiting for his confession, and after three beats of silence… “I get in these states where I can’t do anything, like my depression is holding me down with a thousand pounds and taunting me with my own paralysis.”
A small gasp escapes my lips. He finally told them.
Pride swells in my chest, knowing that he’s been holding onto this secret for too long.
“That’s why I was gone a couple of years ago, I tried to take my own life over Christmas break.”
My head falls on his shoulder, resting there for not only his comfort, but my own. He’s my rock, he’s my strength when I don’t have enough for myself, he’s everything I need in this world to ground me.
These feelings I have for him are overwhelming, but at the same time, I want to dive headfirst into them and let them chase away all the scary thoughts.
“I haven’t been in a car since the accident,” I announce, “the thought of going near one makes me want to crawl out of my own skin.”
“And I just shoved you into one without thinking.” Lucas drags a hand down his face, staring at me like the pieces are starting to click together.
Smiling softly, I wipe a tear off my cheek. “There’s no way you could have known that was why I freaked, there was never any mention of my involvement in the accident, no one except for my family knows.”
And now all of you…
“I’m terrified that I’ll kill someone again, or maybe that I’ll be tempted to roll into a ditch and join my brother. I don’t think about it often, but the idea that I might be tempted is scary.”
“I’m so sorry, Sash.”
Lucas is a good guy, he has a huge heart even if he doesn’t show it often, and even though he messed up, I still feel that connection we had when I sat with him out on the porch.
He’s a friend.
A friend who hurt me but had his heart in the right place for a girl he loves.
“Can we do anything to help?” Steph asks.
“What if we drive down a road where there’s no one else?” Miller suggests.
“We can start small,” Blair smiles. “What if we do a lap around the block and see where that gets us?”
August stands, “we’re a little far out of town to walk back, what if we start with getting us all home?”
Everyone starts talking, trying to figure out the best way to get me home, but keep me comfortable at the same time.
Seeing them rally around me, trying to problem solve and make sure that I’m okay, warms my heart.
They aren’t running in the other direction, they aren’t looking at me like a freak with three heads, and they aren’t getting pissed off because this fear of mine is an inconvenience.
“What can we do to make this a little easier?” Davis asks, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his chest.
He’s warm.
“I think you guys already have… but I might have an idea.”