Chapter 21
twenty-one
DAVIS
“Do me a favour?” Lucas asks, staring at the girls. They have their arms wrapped tightly around Sasha, holding her a step away from my car.
“What’s that?” I grind out.
He put her in that situation, he forced her into that car…
But I’m sure he’s already beating himself up for that.
He became his worst nightmare.
Lucas watched his father beat his mother. He’s heard stories about Claire’s childhood, he’s seen the effects that actions like his can have on people… and he knew about Sasha’s fear of cars.
He was the one who helped me realize.
“If I ever do something like that again, break my fucking jaw.”
His voice is full of torture.
I spare him a glance, but I don’t see the guy I’ve lived with for three years, or the captain who leads us on the ice. No, I see a boy who is so ashamed of what he’s done, how’s letting it tear him apart.
“That, I can do.”
If he ever puts his hands on Sasha like that again…
He clamps a hand on my shoulder, tears welling in his eyes. “I don’t know why I did it, man, I wasn’t thinking straight.”
I take a tight breath. “If she forgives you… then I’ll forgive you.”
There’s not much more I can say than that.
This isn’t my place to be angry with him, it’s hers.
Although it won’t stop me from harbouring a little resentment.
He had no right to do that to her, he had no right to hurt her like that, even if his judgment was clouded by what he thought was going to hurt Claire.
I can’t believe she knew. Sasha trusted Claire before she trusted me.
“She’s a great girl, I really do like her, I just couldn’t handle the thought that she might have played a part in what happened to Claire that night… I see how stupid that is now. She wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
“You’re right,” I tell him, “she wouldn’t.”
For the first time in the entirety of our friendship, I have my doubts about Lucas St. James.
This is twice now that he’s made an assumption and it be completely off the mark, he’s made two mistakes that could have really hurt people.
Usually he’s so good at getting a read on people, seeing things that other people can’t see…
so I wonder what’s different about them —about me.
Lucky for him, those mistakes were made with the only people in this world who would forgive him.
“Are you two coming or what?” Blair sticks his head out the window of August’s truck.
The girls take a step back from Sasha, smiling encouragingly as I walk up to my car. “You ready for this, Pixie?”
She stares up at me, her pale grey eyes looking like my whole future. “You gonna catch me if I fall, Johnny-Boy?”
“Johnny-Boy?” I snort.
That devilish grin curves her lips, but she doesn’t elaborate, and when she turns towards my car, I know she’s fighting. Because that’s what Sasha Price is. She’s a fighter.
We are all, in our own way, fighting a battle that most people don’t see.
I learned that today.
I learned that my friends are still working towards being the best version of themselves. They revealed things about themselves that I didn’t know, and accepted my secret with open arms.
There will be a bigger conversation later, they’ll want to know more, hear my story, but for now… we help Sasha.
The open road ahead of us sits empty.
The sun is nowhere to be seen.
It’s pitch black, aside from the headlights beaming from the three cars lined up side by side on the country road that leads to the lake.
Lucas, Claire, and Miller sit to my left.
August, Steph, and Blair sit to my right.
Sasha stares straight ahead, forcing herself to confront her worst fear, and I am so fucking proud of her for it.
She reaches over, grabbing something out of her purse. It takes her a second, but eventually she pulls out an old iPod. The blue metal is faded, scratches and dents cover the damn thing, and the headphones that are wrapped around it look just as old.
“It was my brother’s” she whispers, running her thumb over the edges of it. “He would kill me if he knew I was showing you this, but it feels right.”
She’s sharing a part of herself with me right now…
“He didn’t like people thinking he was soft, and for whatever reason, he thought that his favourite music would change the way people see him.” There’s something special about whatever’s on that thing, but like always, I’m giving her the choice in sharing what she wants.
I’ll take whatever parts of herself that she’ll give.
I’m a starved man, and Sasha Price feeds my soul.
“We used to drive around and sing until we couldn’t anymore, this music, this part of him was for me and me alone.” She doesn’t look up, but she does grab my hand, “and now it’s for us. I think it’ll help bring back some of those good memories, maybe help outweigh the bad.”
“Say the word and we stop.”
She nods, plugging in the iPod and closing her eyes. “Go.”
I start off slow, the others letting me pull ahead of them. The car vibrates beneath me, the engine revving as I push the pedal down. Every second that this car moves is another second I know Sasha is getting closer to beating this.
What happened wasn’t her fault. I read the article they wrote about the accident, a semi-truck ran a red light, the driver wasn’t paying attention and rammed into the passenger side of their car. Jurian Price and Ian Henderson died on impact. It was tragic, but it sure as shit wasn’t her fault.
But I know there’s nothing I can say to convince her otherwise, this is something she has to overcome herself. She has to realize it for herself.
The headlights of my friends’ cars blind me, but I don’t let it take away from my focus. The second I take my eyes off the road, I will lose every ounce of trust that she has in me right now. I can’t afford to lose it.
“Faster,” she breathes.
“Are you-“
“Yes.”
I watch my speedometer climb. Twenty, thirty, forty… I don’t stop until I hit sixty.
She scrolls through the long list of songs until she finds the one she’s searching for and cranks my volume up full blast. Her fingers twitch towards the button that rolls down the windows, hesitation slowing her movements, so I do it for her.
Wind whips through the car, and a loud laugh escapes her lips, her smile is wider than I’ve ever seen it, a calm taking over while her body finally relaxes a little. “I forgot how much I loved this feeling,” she screams.
The sound of Taylor Swift comes floating through my speakers, the familiar beat of New Romantics feeling like a warm hug from an old friend.
I never really told anyone —well, anyone except for Claire— about my secret love for anything and everything Taylor Swift. I’m a total sucker for her music.
Sasha follows along with the lyrics, but as soon as the chorus comes on, we’re both singing at the top of our lungs. Everything seems to slow in this moment, this perfect, amazing, loud moment where it’s just her and I.
For a second, I forget about all our problems, forget that she’s hurting, forget that I’m doing all this to help her, and just enjoy the few minutes I get her alone in her rawest state.
This is the Sasha I’ve gotten to know.
This is the Sasha I love spending time with.
She’s mesmerizing, every part of her. It would be easy to tell people about her outer beauty, the way her short hair always falls perfectly around her face, or how bright her eyes get when we talk about something she loves…
but that’s not why I’m so captivated. Her mind is a library of knowledge, she always has something intelligent to say, some comment on any topic that makes me wonder how one person could know so much.
She views the world in a way that few can, and even though it’s beat her down and she believes the worst in herself, it hasn’t stopped her from believing in other people.
Every part of her is like a breath of fresh air, and in this moment, this exact moment, I feel like the cracks on the ice are finally starting to solidify. I’m finding my footing, and it’s all thanks to the girl sitting next to me.
Sasha turns towards me, her jaw dropping, as she watches me sing every word. I know them by heart, I have them memorized, they’re burned into my mind.
For a single second, I think she might judge me, but then I remember who I’m with, and the pure joy radiating from her brings me a sense of peace.
God, I love this woman.
Shit. I love her.
“You know Taylor Swift?” She turns the volume down.
I smirk, “there’s lots you don’t know about me, Sasha Price. I’m very deep.”
Her laugh is like music to my ears, and if it was the only thing I’d hear for the rest of my life, well, I’d die a happy man.
The guys sit around me in the living room, waiting for me to say something. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to say.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Miller offers.
August presses his lips together, “Seriously man, if it’s too much, we can leave it for another day.”
“No, I need to stop hiding from it,” I admit.
I’ve spent the last four years with these guys, hiding everything from them because I was too scared they’d leave me like my dad did.
This whole thing can be a little much for people, and I honestly wouldn’t blame any of them if they did leave.
“I’ve been depressed all my life,” I begin. “It’s just always been this dark cloud hanging around, and I guess it was too much for my dad to handle. He walked out on my mom because of me, and because of that, I’ve been too afraid to tell anyone in case they do the same.”
Blair looks up at the ceiling, resting his head on the back of the couch, “you’re an idiot if you think we’d ever drop you because of something like that.”
I shrug. “I know that now, but it was hard to convince myself otherwise.”
The little demons inside my head like to whisper nasty things in my ears, telling me that no one could ever love me, that no one truly cares for me… that I’m worthless.
It’s hard to ignore them.
They’re so loud.
“Anyway, it got really bad a couple years ago, and I tried to take my own life. My mom flipped, obviously, and sent me away to get some much-needed help. It didn’t heal me, but it did help a little.”
It pains me to say it, but the therapists were right. Talking to my friends is taking some of the weight off my shoulders.
“And then in November, when Claire came and found me during that storm, I was on the brink of doing it again.”
Everyone’s eyes start to tear up, and for the first time, I realize that these guys genuinely do care about me. They want me to be okay, they want me in their lives.
They aren’t just friends, or best friends, they’re my family.
They’re going to have my back.
And they’re going to support me.
Going all these years thinking otherwise seems like a waste. What if I had told them right from the beginning? Would I be better? Would I still be fighting this battle?
“My dad contacted me, he said some nasty things, and I just… snapped. Claire saved my life, and I told her what was going on. She and Chris have been helping me ever since. I’ve been doing a lot better, but I still have my bad days.”
“Is there anything we can do to help?” Lucas asks.
“I say we paint his room bright yellow,” August grins.
Chuckling, I slap a hand on his back, “I don’t think so, but I appreciate the effort.”
Miller stands up, taking slow steps towards me before giving me the weirdest hug ever. “We’re here for you.”
“We all are, except I won’t be giving you any hugs,” Blair shivers in disgust across from me.
“Just promise this doesn’t change anything? I’m not fragile, I just need a little support sometimes.”
The last thing I want is for them to think they have to change in any way, I like my friends just the way they are, I don’t need them to start treating me like a kid.
I understand Claire a little better now.
It’s not nearly the same situation, but I understand not wanting to tell people certain things because of how they’ll react, and then the fear that they’ll become completely different people once you finally do tell them.
I guess I always understood that, but after finally ripping off the band-aid, I realized just how much I could relate to her.
August pulls Miller off of me, “you’re still the same guy we’ve played hockey with for the last four years, nothing can change our view of you. You’ll always be a dipshit to me.”