Chapter 29
twenty-nine
DAVIS
The locker room is quiet, nothing but the sound of equipment being put on to cover the silence. Every single one of us is on edge, not only the players who are fighting to take home a trophy, but also the players who know this is their last college hockey game.
For many of us, this has been our lives for the last four years. We have put our blood, sweat and tears into making this team the best, as well as trying to shape the kids below us so they can keep the legacy going.
Some of us will never play hockey again, and some of us will go on to do this in the pros.
It’s a scary time.
“I have something to say,” Lucas announces, slamming his helmet on the bench next to him.
Everyone looks up.
“Why are we all acting like this is a funeral?” He asks, standing to his full height and walking to the centre of the room.
“We’re supposed to be gearing up for the biggest game of the season, and instead we’re sitting here like a bunch of babies.
We’re in the finals for fucks sake. We made it here because we worked our ass’s off, we put everything we had into this team, and I for one am damn proud of us for making it this far. ”
I can’t believe it’s almost over.
“Every year we get a bunch of idiotic freshmen who think they know best, the hotshot players who think they’re going to dominate the ice and kick ass… and for some of you that’s true, but for many of you, you realize that you aren’t the best there is anymore.”
The room chuckles, the energy completely shifting.
“I hate most of you bastards, you piss me off and make me want to pull my hair out… but I wouldn’t want any other team to be by my side today. We deserve this, and we will take home this win.” Lucas turns to me and our best friends, “one last game, one last chance for us to play together.”
We might still play together, but the chances of all of us getting drafted to the same team are slim to none.
I can’t imagine playing hockey without them, I don’t know what I’m going to do if we all get pulled to opposite sides of the country.
These last four years, this university, these people, they’ve been my home. Not seeing them every day doesn’t feel real, but I know that eventually we’re going to move out of our house, and have to grow up.
What the hell am I going to do without them?
“Do us all a favour,” August stands, addressing the lower-classmen, “don’t fuck this up for us.”
I hope I don’t fuck this up for us.
I should be focused on hockey right now, but instead my head is all fucked up about whether Sasha is going to show up or not.
All I want is to fix things between us, but she’s dead set on moving on.
Seeing that guy with her last night solidified my feelings for her. I don’t want her to be with anyone else, I don’t want her to fall in love with another man.
I’m the one she’s supposed to end up with. I’m the one who’s supposed to grow old with her and hold her hand through the hard stuff.
“Dude, she’ll be here,” Blair whispers, knocking his shoulder against mine.
I’m not too sure about that.
But I have to focus no matter what.
This is my last time on the ice with the guys, my last game. As much as I don’t want to experience this without her, I know there’s a chance I’ll have to. All I can do is hope to god she’s here, and if she’s not… I’ll enjoy this moment with my friends anyway.
She’s not here.
I kept hoping that maybe she’d show, that she was just late, but nope. Three whole periods of looking into the stands and there’s no sign of her.
Steph keeps looking towards the door too, but every time we make eye contact, all she can offer is a sad smile.
Everyone is rooting for us, but it doesn’t feel like enough. The whole world could want us together, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.
I can’t force her to be with me, or change her mind if she’s truly set on staying very far away from me.
But she told me she loves me, she said those fucking words last night, so how could she possibly be okay with staying away?
Is this not killing her like it’s killing me?
Is she not in pain every second that we’re apart?
How could we be so perfect for one another, and yet so fucking different at the same time?
This whole thing is so fucking stupid. I’m supposed to be riding the high of my last game right now, but instead I’m stuck in my head about a girl who I’ve been in love with for years.
Two years ago
What the literal fuck is going on?
It’s like this man is speaking a whole different language, this whole coding thing is so fucking complicated. Just like, I don’t know, write out what you want to happen and then make it happen?
Why do numbers have to be involved?
And even if I could understand what was happening, I wouldn’t be paying much attention anyway.
Not when she’s in the row in front of me.
So yes, I chose this class just to be close to her, call me crazy, but I don’t care. Any chance I have to get near her, I’m going to fucking take.
It’s not like she’d ever talk to me.
Come to think of it, she doesn’t talk much at all.
But that doesn’t matter to me. She could be mute for all I care, so long as she’s near me, I’m happy.
I look over her shoulder, seeing her writing down every single thing this professor is saying like it’s the most important thing in the world to her.
It seems like she has no problem focusing or understanding what the hell this guy is talking about. But then again, she’s wicked smart.
Every single exam or test we’ve taken, she always gets a solid A.
“Do you understand a single word he’s saying?” The girl next to me whispers.
I lean back in my seat, still staring at the back of Sasha’s head when I answer. “No, not really.”
Sasha’s back stiffens, and she turns her head just enough to look out the corner of her eye. We make the briefest of eye contact and I swear I stop breathing.
She whips her head back towards the front, muscles still stiff. Her pen isn’t moving anymore though, and for the rest of the class, she doesn’t write a single thing.
There were so many chances I could have taken to talk to her, but I was always too afraid.
We didn’t get enough time together, and I think that’s what I regret most. I could have had her in my life for years, but I never let myself take the chance.
The risk was too high.
And I was too chicken shit.
Tony calls for a time-out, and we all skate to the bench, panting and downing as much water as we can get before he sends us back out there.
The old man is wearing his best suit, and I only know that because last year he spilled coffee on it and cursed himself for it. He actually spent five minutes harping on Blair because he’s the one who bumped into him.
He looks good for sixty, but tired.
I’m sure he wouldn’t want to be anywhere but here though. He lives to coach, loves every second of it, and I can’t imagine having anyone but him yelling at me for the last four years.
He’s tough on us, but he does it because he believes in us.
“We’re all tied up, and we have thirty seconds to make something happen.
I don’t want to go into overtime and give them that satisfaction, I know none of you want that either.
” He leans against the boards, using his arms to prop up his weight.
“The only way that’s going to happen is if one of you goes out there and scores a goal, so make it happen. ”
The guys nod.
We have to do this.
“I have spent the last year coaching you fuckers, and frankly, without the help of my dearest not-daughter, I don’t think we would have made it to this point.
Go out there and do what I taught you.” He turns and looks to Claire, smiling with a tenderness I’ve only seen him use with her, “anything to add?”
She stands on the bench, looking down and scanning the entire team. Her long brown hair is pulled into a tight ponytail, and the suit she’s wearing is almost as nice as Tony’s.
Wouldn’t want to upstage the man of the hour.
“You fuckers were practically useless when I joined the team,” we all laugh, “but I have faith that you’re more than capable of making this happen. Thank you for letting me be a part of this team, I’m honoured to say that I was your coach.”
Tears start to burn my eyes, because this isn’t just our last game… it’s our last game with her. We only had a year with her, and I don’t think I’m ready to say goodbye yet.
I don’t want this to end.
“All of you have so much potential, so go win this fucking game like I know you can.” Her voice is shaky, cracking every other word as she starts to cry. “And fuck all of you for making me so god damn emotional about this.”
The refs blow the whistle, and motion for us to line up for the puck-drop.
Looking to my friends, the guys who have had my back, the ones who made me love hockey more than I thought possible, I know that whether we win or lose this game, we’re going to do it together.
The five of us.
It feels right.
Lucas wins the face-off, passing the puck to August, who makes it to our blue line before the other team checks him into the boards and takes the puck.
Adrenaline courses through my veins, my body taking over and doing whatever the hell it wants on instinct. It comes so naturally to me now, I barely have to think when I’m playing.
Blair and I corner the guy, and while he pins him, I poke the puck out and send it flying towards Miller.
Everything that happens after that is a blur, it’s a battle, vicious and rough as both teams fight for the win. I barely notice everyone sitting in the stands around us, the roaring of the crowd as Lucas makes a break for the net.
He looks towards the bench, eyes growing wide for a moment before he gets cross-checked and sent flying to the ice.
I see the puck lying next to him and scoop it up, my heartbeat pounds in my ears as I look up at the scoreboard and see three seconds left on the clock.
There’s no one else here, it’s just me.
I have to go for it.
It’s the only way.
So I line up in front of the net, winding back and shooting the puck as hard as I can.
Everyone holds their breath as the puck flies towards the net in slow motion.
I close my eyes.
Please.
The crowd explodes just before the buzzer sounds, and I’m tackled by my team.
I’m lying stomach down on the ice, laughing as everyone piles on top of me. Looking over my shoulder, I make eye contact with Lucas, and the grin on his face is unlike any I’ve seen before.
We did it, we fucking won.
But that means this is officially over.
Tears fall, cooling my heated cheeks and leaving a path I know all the guys can see. Call me a baby, I don’t really care, but in this moment, I’m so overwhelmed with all the emotions that I can’t help it.
I’m sad, scared, happy, and excited. Everything I’m feeling in this moment feels like the beginning and the end of an era.
“Fuck yes!” August shouts on top of me.
“Anyone else almost shit their pants?” Blair chuckles.
Miller pokes me in the ribs, “I knew you could do it.”
Lucas helps me up, yanking me to my feet and pulling me into a hug when everyone gets off. “Look behind you,” he whispers.
My brows knit in confusion, but I turn around anyway. It doesn’t take me long to see Steph jumping up and down with a massive smile on her face while aggressively pointing beside her.
Sasha stands there, arms crossed, and wholly perfect.
She came…
Claire runs out onto the ice, jumping into Lucas’s arms and laughing. “I’m so fucking proud of you guys!” She yells over the noise.
I keep staring at Sasha, watching her talk to Steph before turning back to me and giving me a thumbs up with the most heartbreaking smile on her face.
And then she walks away, Steph chasing after her.
I lose them about halfway up the stairs, swallowed up by the crowd flooding towards the boards to congratulate the team.
“At least she came,” Claire offers when Lucas finally puts her down.
I shrug. “I don’t think it means anything, in fact, I think it’s her way of saying goodbye for good.”
Miller tilts his head, “why would you say that?”
Because of the look in her eyes.
She’s not here to fix things —like I had hoped— she’s here to see me one last time. It’s her way of getting closure, her way of saying she hopes I achieve everything I want in life. She’s always going to cheer me on, she just won’t be by my side to do it.
“Just a feeling,” I tell them.
Claire gets this thoughtful look on her face, one that she only ever gets when she has an amazing idea. “I think I might know a way to get her to talk to you,” she grins.