Chapter 30
thirty
SASHA
I really shouldn’t have gone. It hurt more seeing him so happy with his team, but I had to. I needed to see that he’s going to be okay, even if that means it hurts.
Johnny Davis is going to be alright. He’s got his friends to hold him up, he doesn’t need me.
But that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to run down there and be the one he was celebrating with instead.
I want to be like Claire and Lucas, experiencing this high together.
Steph tried to convince me to stay, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stand there and watch him without crumbling. I knew if I stayed a second longer, I might break and run to him.
It’s better that I left.
This is for the best. He doesn’t have to choose between anyone anymore, and I don’t have to wonder if he’s going to choose someone over me ever again.
I’m healing, and sometimes that can be an ugly process. I need to put myself first for once, to learn that it’s okay to let go if it’s better for me in the long run.
But what if he’s better for me in the long run?
What if I’m doing all this and it isn’t the right choice?
I’m putting myself through all this suffering when I could just forgive and forget. I could be happy.
Maybe hearing him out isn’t the worst idea, and seeing as he’s spent the last two days blowing up my phone, I think it’s safe to say he still wants to fix things.
Is there anything to fix though?
The stupid doubt that he’s better off without me keeps holding me back, keeps telling me that he’s too good for me, and I don’t deserve a guy like him.
But he wants me.
And I want him.
The choice should be simple, but it isn’t.
Why couldn’t life have given me a love that doesn’t make me want to pull my hair out?
Fuck, him ripping me out of the bar the other night drove me up a wall. The fact that he thought he could do whatever he wanted and still call me his girl was like a slap in the face…
But I meant every word, I do love him. I love him so much it hurts.
Fuck it, I’m gonna call him back.
I pull my phone off my nightstand and dial his number. After four rings, it finally connects.
“Sasha?” Blair sobs into the phone.
I sit up straight in my bed, my heart thundering in my chest. “What’s wrong? Why do you have Johnny’s phone?” I ask in a panic.
I hear commotion in the background, “there was an accident, I was following behind him and, fuck, it came out of nowhere.”
No. Not Johnny.
“I watched it happen. They got him out, but his car is totalled.”
Fuck you universe. Why?
“Where are you?” I ask, throwing the sheets off of myself and running towards the front door.
Blair continues to sob on the other end, breathing deeply before answering me. “We’re on Riverside, south of the highway.”
I hang up, shaking as I press the button and grab the keys off the counter. I don’t even think to put on shoes, I just run out the front door —into the pouring rain— and get into the driver’s seat of my parents’ car.
My hands grip the steering wheel.
I stare at the ignition, every moment of my brother’s accident playing on repeat.
I haven’t driven since that day, and I’m about to drive through a storm? I must be fucking insane.
But Johnny could be hurt, he’s out there, and I can’t wait to see if he’s going to be okay. I need to know now.
This can’t be how it ends, not when I finally decide I want to hear him out, not when I think I’m ready to forgive him.
Flashes of lightning illuminate the sky, showing the angry clouds that show no sign of leaving, but every second I sit here, is another second that Johnny is out there and I have no idea what’s going on.
I need to see that he’s okay with my own two eyes.
Fear tries to paralyze me, but I won’t let it. Not this time.
So I put the keys into the ignition, and fucking drive.
I can barely see the road, the rain is thick, it’s coming down in sheets. I can feel my tires slipping every time I take a turn. If someone were to slam on their brakes, they’d slide.
There are no street lights on Riverside, just the occasional lamp marking someone’s driveway.
My headlights are a fucking hindrance in this rain, it’s making it harder to see rather than easier.
No wonder there was a crash.
I’m starting to think that I imagined that phone call when I see blue and red flashing lights around the bend. They guide me, but I can’t actually get close enough to the scene because they have it all blocked off.
Pulling over to the side of the road —next to a car I recognize as Blair’s— I unbuckle my seatbelt and sprint as fast as I can towards the ambulance about twenty feet away.
It takes everything in me not to look at the two cars, because I know if I do, I’ll lose all the strength I have right now.
This is like a nightmare.
And I don’t want to re-live the worst day of my life more than I already am.
My entire body is soaked by the time an officer stops me, grabbing my arm and holding me back. He stares down at my feet for a second, then looks up, “you can’t be here.”
My voice is hoarse, “but my boyfriend was involved in the accident, I have to know if he’s okay.”
I can’t tell if I’m shaking because I’m wet and cold, or if it’s because my body is so hopped up on adrenaline that it doesn’t know what to do with itself.
“Ma’am, I need you to stay back. We can’t have you running around when this is still an active scene.” I can tell he feels bad for me, and yes, he’s just doing his job, but fuck I wish he would just let me see Johnny.
I’m so close, and yet so far.
“Please,” I beg him, trying to pull my arm out of his grasp.
Someone else puts a hand on my shoulder, and when I turn around, I have to stop myself from launching into Blair’s arms because for a second, I think he’s Johnny.
“Sasha, he’s okay, he’s in the ambulance now. They’re going to take him to the hospital to get him checked out, but the paramedics say he only has a minor concussion and some bruised ribs.” Blair wraps his arms around me when he sees my face crumble, “he’s okay, I promise.”
I lean into his touch, allowing him to comfort me. “I was so scared, I thought I lost him too.”
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to scare you, but I knew you’d sic Steph and Claire on me if I didn’t call you.” We both chuckle. “They said someone can ride in the back with him. Do you want to go?”
Do I?
Blair pushes me away when I don’t answer, holding my face in both hands and forcing me to look him in the eyes.
“I don’t want to pressure you, but you should go.
I can take my car and meet you guys there.
I need a second to calm down before I rip him a new asshole for driving in this weather in the first place. ”
Nodding, I push my wet hair out of my face. “Why were you both out here anyway?”
“I-“ he blinks a couple times, “I don’t know, actually. He said he needed to clear his head, we all tried to tell him it wasn’t safe, but he wouldn’t listen, so I hopped in my car to make sure nothing happened.”
The second I know he’s safe, I’m going to kick his ass for scaring the living shit out of me.
Nothing, not even a bad headspace, is worth risking your life.
What if that was the whole point though?
“We’re heading out,” one of the paramedics yells, holding the door open. “Are one of you coming with us?”
Blair and I look at each other for a second.
“Seriously, go,” he urges.
I run towards the ambulance, climbing in before they shut the door behind me. Johnny is strapped into the gurney, eyes clamped shut.
“You didn’t have to almost get yourself killed to get my attention you know,” I tell him, trying to make light of the situation.
His eyes fly open, “Pixie?”
“I’m here,” I sit down and grab his hand.
It’s not until I’m physically holding him that it hits me, he’s okay.
Johnny Davis didn’t die tonight.