Chapter 10
Koa
“Can you pass the salt?” Riot asked me, though he wasn’t really looking at me. His focus was somewhere off my shoulder because he hadn’t actually glanced my way since he’d found out the truth five days ago.
“Sure.” I handed it to him.
“Thanks.” He looked down at his plate.
On the surface, nothing had changed between us. We still slept in the same bed each night, still took care of the kids and worked our schedules like bosses. We still texted about what we wanted for dinner or if one of us was running late. Totally normal, everyday stuff.
But everything was different. We hadn’t cuddled in five days.
Riot hadn’t shared one meme or ridiculous TikTok with me.
He slept with his back to me, and when I woke up every morning, he wasn’t lying on top of me like a human weighted blanket.
There were no casual touches, or kisses on the cheek, or any of the things I’ve grown to need like the air I breathe.
I’d tried to talk to him about it, but he’d told me he just needed time.
And I got it. I did. I might have had the best of intentions, but I’d broken the biggest promise I’d ever made to Riot.
To him, that meant everything. And even if he understood why I’d done it, of course he struggled to come to terms with it.
But, I felt like there was more to it that I was missing. For one, for as much as he wouldn’t meet my eyes when I was paying attention, I’d caught him staring at me with a strange expression on his face whenever he thought I wasn’t looking.
Dinner was strained, like it had been all fucking week.
We were trying not to show the tension in front of the kids, but I could tell they knew something was up.
They were all highly perceptive, especially the older ones.
They’d had to be, growing up the way they had.
Cruz had been extra quiet the last few days and had spent a lot more time in his room than usual.
Even Knox had been treading carefully around us.
I wanted to fix it because neither of us wanted the kids to be wary of us, but I had no idea how to even start. I’d explained my reasons and apologized. The ball was in Riot’s court now.
“Okay. What is happening here?” Knox asked after a length of near silence. Even the twins had kept their bickering to a minimum.
“What do you mean?” Riot asked, sounding a little distracted.
Knox huffed and waved his fork between Riot and me. “Whatever is going on between you two. It’s weird.”
“Nothing is happening,” Riot and I said at the same time, way too quickly.
Wynter scoffed. “Yeah, right. We’re supposed to believe that?
You both have been acting sus all week.” I was surprised she’d noticed.
Even though things had been a little better with her since Cara had spoken to her, it had been rough.
She really wanted a chance to see her dad, and the more we pushed the issue, the more she would resent us.
But for now, she was at least being civil.
“Even the boys noticed,” she added as she twirled spaghetti onto her fork.
“It’s true,” Cruz inserted. “You’re barely talking to each other.
Did you get in a fight?” His voice was shaky, and there seemed to be layers of meaning behind his words.
While we didn’t know everything about his upbringing, we knew that his mother and father had fought constantly and it had gotten violent.
More often than not, Cruz would get caught up in it.
It was one of the reasons his mother had given up custody of him to the state, because she’d known that environment wasn’t healthy and had wanted better for him.
I glanced at Riot and could see he looked as guilty as I felt. “Oh, Cruz, no. We didn’t get into a fight. I just—ugh—got new information that I’m having a hard time processing. But I promise we’ll be okay.” He looked at me then, for the first time in days, the sincerity obvious.
“You’re not gonna send us away?” Cruz asked, his tone cracking.
Fuck.
Riot and I were up and out of our seats instantly. I didn’t even think before I picked Cruz up, sat in his seat, then deposited him on my lap. Riot knelt in front of us and took Cruz’s smaller hands in his. The rest of the kids were quiet. Even Stormy wasn’t doing his typical baby babbles.
“Cruz,” Riot said, soft yet firm. There was no nonsense in his tone, no reason to doubt his words.
“We are not sending you or any of the other kids away. I know Koa and I are acting a little off lately, and it could be scary, but I swear to you, there is no circumstance, no chance in hell that we’d send any of you away. Not ever.”
“Riot’s right,” I added, making sure I kept the same tone.
I hoped Cruz couldn’t feel me shaking. All their eyes were on us, and while I didn’t think the others necessarily had the same fears as Cruz, this was important for all of them to hear.
We were the only steady thing in these kids’ lives, and they had to know that even if Riot and I were going through something, we’d be there for them one hundred percent.
Full stop, with no exceptions. “You’re stuck with us.
We swear it. We both love all of you so much, and sometimes grown-up things might be happening and we might be quieter or more stressed than usual, but we’d never ever send you away because of that. ”
Cruz pressed himself closer into me, like he needed the reminder that I was here. I tightened my arms around him, being the anchor he clearly needed. “Mama and Dad used to fight all the time, and then they sent me away. I think they were fighting because of me. It was my fault.”
I met Riot’s eyes, and he looked absolutely heartbroken.
“No, Cruz, it wasn’t. Your mama and dad had some issues, just like my mom does.
They were sick and struggling, and your mama loved you so much that she made what she thought was the best decision for you, because she knew she couldn’t take care of you the way you deserve.
But that sickness, that had nothing to do with you.
You are never to blame for what your parents do or say, got it?
And that includes Koa and me. We’re human too, and sometimes we make mistakes or need some space from each other.
But it will never be your fault. And we will never make you leave.
” Riot smiled, teasing him, “Even when you’re fifty, you can stay if you want. ”
Cruz giggled, and I relaxed slightly. “Fifty is so old. It’s even older than you and Koa.”
That got everyone laughing, and Riot fell dramatically to the floor and I started to tickle Cruz.
“Older than Riot and Koa?” Bel chimed in. “I didn’t think that was possible.”
That had the whole table in chaos. Everyone jumped in with jokes about how old we were, and Riot and I pretended to be offended. Even Storm had something to contribute as he yelled, “Ol’, ol’,” and slammed his hands against the tray of his high chair.
Once Cruz was calm enough to eat again, I plopped him back in his seat and started to walk back to mine. A hand brushed against mine. I glanced over at Riot, who smiled softly, not saying a word. I smiled back, a million conversations passing through that one silent encounter.
He sat down, but I knew whatever was going on in his head and between us, we’d be alright.
My head lulled against the back of the couch, my eyes closing.
Today had been long. It had taken a while for everyone to settle down, but somehow Ri and I had managed to finally get all the kids in bed, and Knox and Wynter were down in their rooms, doing their thing.
Knox had kept hovering, and I could tell he’d wanted to pry, but eventually even he’d left us.
I felt the couch cushion sink next to me and I opened one eye, smiling at Riot.
“Hey,” he said quietly.
“Hey,” I repeated.
He didn’t speak anymore, and eventually I closed my eyes. I could tell he was gearing up to say something, but I didn’t want to pressure him.
Something pushed up against my leg. Riot’s thigh.
I didn’t move, barely breathed. He didn’t move it, so it must’ve been deliberate, but I was afraid to look and bring attention to it.
Five days might not have been a lot, but it had felt like an eternity.
I needed Riot’s touch like I needed food, and even the minor contact was enough to start repairing my fraying insides.
He still didn’t speak for the longest time, and I was beginning to wonder if I should be the one to break the silence. The only noise in the room was the sounds of our breathing and the gentle hum of the noise machine coming from Hawk and Storm’s room through the baby monitor.
His fingers laced through mine. I opened my eyes and turned to look at Riot. He still seemed deep in thought, watching me carefully, but he squeezed my hand. I forced myself to wait for him.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said.
My head snapped back in surprise. “Why are you sorry?” I was the one who’d lied. The one who’d broken us. Not him.
“I was acting weird all week. I couldn’t get my thoughts together, and I wanted to talk to you before this, but every time I tried to bring it up, all the words dried up. I just—wasn’t ready, I guess. And then the kids noticed, and fuck . . . Cruz, and—”
“Riot,” I cut him off. “It’s awful that Cruz got scared, but despite the kids’ concerns, you’re entitled to take all the time you need.
I betrayed your trust. I’m just thankful you even thought about giving me a second chance.
And you know Cruz’s concerns don’t stem from you, right? It’s his parents.”
Riot sighed. He pushed his hair out of his face with his free hand. “Yeah, I know. It’s always our parents. It doesn’t make me feel any less responsible.”
“I know, sweetheart. That’s why you’re so amazing.” It’s one of the things I love about you, I thought to myself.