Chapter 9
Koa
“Hey, let me help you with those.”
I stepped off our front stoop and headed toward the driveway, where Riot had parked his Toyota Sequoia.
He had the trunk open, Storm in one arm and holding Hawk’s hand with the other.
All of that was normal. What had me scared was that Riot wasn’t moving.
He was staring at nothing and holding the kids tightly, like they were the only things keeping him standing.
Something was seriously wrong. There wasn’t even half of what we usually got.
We had so many mouths to feed, the trunk was normally filled with bags, but today there was only a handful.
Even Hawk looked agitated and like he was on the verge of a meltdown.
What could possibly have happened in the hour they’d been gone?
“Riot, are you okay?” I touched his arm and he flinched, pulling away from me. What the fuck? Riot never flinched away from my touch, even in the very beginning, when he wouldn’t allow anyone close. I’d always been the exception.
His head turned in my direction, but he was looking right through me.
“Sweetheart, what happened?” I reached out to touch his face, but he put up his hand, stopping me.
“Don’t.”
Fuck. I quickly pulled out my phone and texted Knox. He was inside working on a project with a friend, so I felt bad interrupting him, but Riot was shutting down in front of me and I needed help.
Thirty seconds later, Knox was bursting through the door, barefoot and panicked. He looked at me, then to his brother, and then back again.
“What the fuck?” he mouthed at me in question. I shrugged. I had no idea what was happening.
“Hey, Riot, can I take the kids from you?” Knox asked gently, his voice soft and soothing, like he was trying to settle a frightened animal.
Riot didn’t blink, but he did nod slightly and let Knox take Storm from his arms. Knox held out a hand for Hawk. “C’mon, Hawk. Let’s go inside.”
“Daddy hurt,” he signed, big eyes staring at Knox.
“I know, bud, but Papa will help him. Let’s go inside. You can have an ice pop if you want.”
Hawk broke into a toothy smile and then finally let go of Riot’s hand and took Knox’s.
“Thanks,” I whispered to him.
“Just take care of him,” he said out of the corner of his mouth before ushering the little ones away.
Not worrying about the food, I quickly closed the trunk and then turned all my attention to Riot.
“Talk to me, Ri. What’s going on?” I wanted to touch him so badly, but it wasn’t welcomed right now. I fisted my hands at my sides to keep them still.
He blinked slowly and then finally met my eyes. His were bloodshot, like he’d been crying, but looked dry now.
“I saw your aunt in the store.”
Fuck. I could imagine what she’d said to him to get him this upset.
Aunt Leilani had always hated Riot and his family and would talk shit about them constantly, even before we’d become friends.
It was the only thing I’d ever fought her about and ultimately had ruined my relationship with the only blood family I had left.
“What did she say, Ri? You know it was bullshit, whatever it was.”
Anger flashed across Riot’s face. Something I wasn’t used to seeing directed toward me.
“Oh yeah? So when she said that you turned down your scholarship to stay with me, that was bullshit?” Venom laced his tone, but there was hope there too. Hope that I could look him in the eye and tell him that my aunt had been full of shit. Hope I couldn’t give him.
Ringing filled my ears. My vision tunneled. This wasn’t happening. Riot was never supposed to find out.
Riot staggered back like he’d been shot. “It’s fucking true, isn’t it? You lied to me, Koa!” he accused. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe as my world crumbled around me. “Say it! Say you fucking lied!”
“I lied.”
Riot fell back into the SUV. His legs shook, and he barely had the strength to remain on his feet. On instinct, I went to follow him, to help him, but he held his hand up again, stopping me. “Don’t touch me. Just don’t—”
“Riot.” My voice broke. I needed to fix this, but I had no idea how.
“I-I’m so sorry, Riot,” I started again. “I never wanted to hurt you. That’s the last thing I ever wanted.”
He shook his head as his arms wrapped around his middle. “Then why did you lie? I-I don’t get it, Koa. You promised. You knew what that meant to me, and you lied anyway.”
“I know you won’t understand, but I felt like I didn’t have another choice. If I told you the truth, you’d never have let me do it. You would’ve made me go to USC.”
“Of course I would’ve!” he screamed. “I wasn’t gonna let you ruin your life for me. Give up your dreams for me. Fuck, no wonder your aunt hates me. I’d hate me too.”
I couldn’t take it for another second. “I’m going to touch you now, Ri. If you really don’t want me to, say no fucking now.”
For a second, I thought he would. Or he’d just punch me in the damn face.
It looked like he really wanted to. But he didn’t.
He lifted his chin in defiance, his eyes boring a hole into me, but he didn’t stop me as I crowded him against the back of Sequoia.
I wasn’t touching him, had left enough space for him to slip out if he had to, but I wanted him to feel my presence.
“You are my dream, Riot. You and these kids. That’s it.
Yeah, I wanted to join the NFL, but you were right there with me on the sidelines the whole fucking time.
I never imagined a future without you. Not once since the day I met you.
I was only going to go to USC because I knew that was my best opportunity to get drafted and have enough money to support you and the kids.
I was planning on joining the draft a year early and getting you guys out of this town as soon as fucking possible.
But then you got custody earlier than we expected and I knew I couldn’t leave.
I wasn’t going anywhere, not without you. ”
Riot shook. “I-I don’t understand. Why would you want this when you could’ve had everything?”
“This is everything, Ri. All that money and fame would’ve meant jack shit without you. And I’m sorry I lied, but I knew how you’d react, how you’d blame yourself and try to push me away if I went, and I wasn’t gonna let that happen. I’m so sorry I hurt you, baby. I swear I never wanted to.”
I reached out, slowly, and cupped his cheek.
My head fell forward so my forehead was touching his, and I wiped a tear trailing down his cheek.
I had nothing else to say. Nothing that would make what I’d done right.
I’d understood how important honesty was to him, how he might have seen this as a betrayal, but I’d taken the chance, and as much as I hated that I’d hurt him, I didn’t regret my choice.
Because it had led to the last seven years and the life we’d built.
Even if we could never be more than we were.
Even if Riot never loved me the way I loved him, I would make every sacrifice, crawl to the center of the Earth to keep this.
Riot didn’t do anything but breathe. He didn’t push me away, but he didn’t touch me either. Didn’t speak. Just breathed deeply, in and out, until I was almost entranced by the rhythm.
Finally, his hands wrapped around me, and I almost sobbed in relief.
“I really hate that you lied to me.”
I closed my eyes. “I know, baby.”
“I don’t understand how I could be so fucking mad at you, but also happy you made the decision you did.”
I pulled away just enough so I could look into his eyes. “Because it’s not the decision you’re mad about.”
His head lulled back, hitting the Sequoia with a light thud.
“I know. And I know you’re right. I would’ve never let you do that.
I would’ve broken my own heart and me in the process, but I would’ve forced you away.
I would’ve lied if I’d had to and been the one who betrayed our promise.
But I would’ve. And that makes me feel even shittier that I’m mad at you, because I get it. I do.”
“You have every right to be upset. I wish I could’ve thought of a way without lying to you. I swear if I had, I would’ve told you the truth. But leaving you wasn’t an option. I was a dumbass to think it ever could be.”
I wanted to keep talking. To tell him how much I loved him. How I wanted everything with him. But I didn’t want Riot to feel any pressure. Bombing him with love confessions when he was overwhelmed and vulnerable was wrong.
His fingers traced the tattoo on my bicep. It was then that I remembered I wasn’t wearing a jacket and the late-fall air was brisk, bordering on cold. I hadn’t even felt it until now.
“I spent the last seven years hating myself,” Riot said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Because as much as it broke me that you were losing your dreams, I was happy that you stayed and I didn’t lose you.
And I was disgusted with myself for feeling that.
I wish I’d known the truth. Even if not right away.
Maybe I wouldn’t have carried all this guilt if I’d known it was a choice you’d made.
Though, maybe it would’ve been worse because you never would’ve made the choice if it wasn’t for me. ”
“Hey, don’t think like that. Riot, I know I lied to you, and it might make it hard for you to believe me, but I swear to you this was the best choice I’ve ever made in my life. Playing college football would’ve meant nothing without you. I’d choose you each and every time.”
Riot blinked back tears. “I’d choose you too.
Even now, when I’m so fucking pissed. And I know our relationship isn’t normal, that we aren’t healthy best friends or whatever and that our marriage was for benefits, but there’s no one else I’d ever want by my side.
” He smiled crookedly at me, which contradicted his puffy cheeks and bloodshot eyes.
“Even if I kinda want to hit you right now.”
I laughed, the tension leaving my shoulders. “I only want you by my side too. However that looks. I’ll take whatever you give me.”
“C-can you take in the groceries and stay with the kids for a bit? I think I need to go to the studio, just to think about things. I’m not walking away,” he added quickly. “But this is a lot and I need a little time.”
I kissed the top of his head. “Of course, sweetheart. I can never apologize enough for hurting you.”
He smiled softly, a little heartbroken. “You don’t need to say you’re sorry anymore. I know you are. And I forgive you because I get why you did it and because I could never stay mad at you, but I need a little time. Can you give that to me?”
“Yeah, Ri. Whatever you need.”
He broke away from me then, stepping to the side so I could open the trunk and take the bags out. He was crying again, and I was afraid of him driving.
“Do you want Knox to take you?”
He shook his head. “No, his friend is here. I’m okay. Thanks.”
He got in the driver’s seat, and once I was safely away, he drove off, taking a piece of my heart with him.