Chapter 18 Riot
Riot
“Look, Mr. Riot!” I smiled down at one of my preschoolers, Hailey, as she proudly showed me the bowl she had made last class and was now painting hot pink and purple.
“I love it. The colors are so pretty.”
She beamed. “I’m gonna add sparkles too!”
“That’s exactly what it needs. Make sure it’s extra sparkly.”
“I will!”
My phone started to buzz in my pocket. “Why don’t you take that back to the table, Hailey. I have to answer this call real quick.”
“Okay!”
She ran back, and I dug my cell out, trying to keep my heart from racing out of my chest. A burst of nerves had become a Pavlovian response every time my phone had rung the last few days, since every call had brought another boulder down on top of me.
“Hello?”
“Mr. St. James, this is Jackie, one of Cara’s nurses from St. John’s General.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed that I could manage to stay on my feet and not collapse in front of all my students and their parents.
“I-is everything okay?” The hospital would only be calling me in the middle of the day for two reasons. Either Cara had woken up or she never would.
“Yes, Cara’s awake.”
My breath caught and I stumbled back. Thankfully, there was something behind me. A table? Counter? I didn’t fucking know, but it had kept me from falling on my ass and making a fool of myself.
“S-she’s awake?”
“Yes. And she’s responsive and asking about you.”
Oh fuck. Oh god. Cara was awake. She was going to be okay.
Tears started to fall down my face. I could feel eyes on me, so I turned around, my back to the class. I probably should’ve left the room, but I just . . . I wasn’t thinking, I guessed.
“I-I’ll be there as soon as I can. Can you tell her, please? That I’m on my way?”
“Of course. We’ll see you soon, Mr. St. James.”
The nurse hung up. It was hard to see the screen of my phone with how blurry my eyes were, but I somehow managed to pull up my text thread with Koa.
He would be at school and probably wouldn’t see it till his lunch break, but he had to know.
Hubby: Cara’s awake. I’m gonna, idk, I guess cancel my classes for the rest of the day. Going there now.
I looked down at the word hubby. Koa had been in my phone like that for years, almost like a joke, but it felt different now.
We were the same people we’d always been.
Acted the same way we had for most of our adult lives.
And yet . . . I was finally starting to see that “best friend” wasn’t the right term to describe us.
It never had been. We’d always been more than that.
I still didn’t know the correct word, the proper way to define my feelings, and maybe I never would, but I was looking at Koa with fresh eyes, seeing him in a way I never had before.
“Is everything okay?” one of the moms came up to me to ask, concern lacing her features.
I shoved my cell in my pocket and smiled at her. I had to look a wreck. “Yeah, um, actually really good. That was the hospital. Cara woke up.”
“Oh my god. Honey, that’s amazing. We were all so worried. C’mon, let’s get this place cleaned up and these kids out of here so you can go.”
“Thank you,” I said sincerely.
This right here was why I’d kept a full class schedule even though I made enough now through commissions and social media.
I loved my students so much. All my life, I’d been ostracized by this town, teased and rejected and ignored, and it felt good to finally feel like I belonged.
To finally feel like I had a community outside of Koa.
With the help of the parents, we managed to get fifteen three- and four-year-olds finished, cleaned, and packed up relatively quickly.
I made sure everything was off and that the last person was out before locking up and running out of there.
I had sent out a mass text alert that classes were canceled and updated the website.
All the housekeeping was done. Now it was time to see Cara.
I never thought I’d be happy to have to rush to the hospital, but I was. My fingers constantly drummed on the steering wheel as I drove, the anticipation and nerves making it impossible for me to stay still.
I had no idea what to expect when I got there.
She was responsive, so that had to be a positive sign, but the doctors had warned me there might be some cognitive damage.
I had to remind myself that everything might not be sunshine and roses.
That Cara would likely still have a long road ahead of her.
Regardless, I would be there for her every step of the way, like she had always been for me.
Thankfully, it was fairly easy to find a parking spot. It had been hit or miss depending on how busy it was, but I got one somewhere in the middle of the lot and then fucking sprinted, something I could safely say I’d never done voluntarily, into the hospital.
Cara was finally awake.
Everyone in the cardiac department knew me by now, so I was buzzed through quickly and beelined to her room.
I froze at the doorway. Cara was propped up, a tray across the bed with a cup of water. Her eyes were closed, but she opened them when she heard me.
“Riot.” Her smile was weak but genuine, and me being the completely composed and logical person I was, burst into fucking tears.
“Oh, honey. It’s okay. I’m fine.”
Shit. I wiped my eyes, looking away. I needed to get my shit together. Cara was the one who’d just woken up from a coma. She shouldn’t be comforting me.
“Sorry.” I laughed wetly. “God, I was so fucking scared.”
“Come here, Riot. I need a hug.”
I walked forward but hesitated again when I was at the side of her bed. She looked so frail. The strongest person I knew and she seemed so damn breakable.
“I-I don’t want to hurt you.”
She shook her head. “You won’t. Come here, Riot.” Her voice was still rough from disuse, but her tone brooked no argument.
Shaking my head with a small smile on my face, I sat on the edge of the mattress, careful not to touch anything. She held her arm out for me, and fuck—for the second time in a few minutes, I broke.
“Cara—”
“Shhh, it’s okay. I’m okay. The doctors said I should make a full recovery. I’ll need to rehab for a while, but I’m not going anywhere.”
I hadn’t allowed myself to think about it, but once she said the words, it sunk in how fucking terrified I’d been to lose her. Maybe it was selfish, but I needed her. We all did.
A single tear ran down Cara’s cheek, and I gently wiped it with my thumb, careful not to touch the tubes in her nose.
“Enough of this,” she said gently. “Catch me up on everything.”
My lips twisted. “Maybe you should rest?”
“I’ve been resting for days. I need the gossip. I’ll nap after.”
I kept things brief because despite her words, I could see how tired Cara was. I started with the shop, assuring her I was keeping everything running and relaying how everyone had been asking about her.
“And Koa and the kids? I miss them.”
“They miss you too. Koa and the older ones will come visit as soon as they can. And once you’re out of here and feeling up to it, I’ll bring the little ones. Hawk misses you a lot. He keeps asking about you.”
“Aww, my baby. I miss him too.”
I debated telling her everything that was going on with us, the developments in my and Koa’s relationship and everything with Wynter, but the exhaustion was becoming evident. I kissed Cara’s cheek. “Get some rest. I’ll share the rest of the tea when you wake up.”
“Promise?”
“Of course.”
“Love you, honey,” Cara said, eyes already closed.
“Love you too, Cara.”
I stayed and gently held her hand until I was sure she was asleep.
Then I quietly slipped out of her room. Koa had probably answered, and I wanted to find Cara’s medical team and get some answers.
I still had some time before pickup started and I would have to leave, so I hoped to take care of as many things as possible.
I was able to find Cara’s doctor and get a rundown of her care plan.
She’d likely be in the hospital for another week or so, and then he wanted to transfer her to an inpatient cardiac rehab.
Cara probably wasn’t thrilled that she couldn’t go directly home, but I would support whatever she needed to fully recover.
She was still asleep when it was time for me to go, so I wrote her a note saying I’d be back tomorrow to visit, and left.
Fall was always extremely hectic for us.
Koa had long and late nights, and the kids all had activities and fall festivals, Thanksgiving feasts, disguise the turkey projects, and various other things we had to keep track of.
This year had been ten times crazier. I was looking forward to Thanksgiving break just to have a few days to breathe.
Football season was almost over, thankfully, so Koa would be able to take on some of the other responsibilities again.
I didn’t feel comfortable letting Wynter take the bus right now.
The authorities hadn’t been able to find Aren—he’d missed his last meeting with his parole officer and hadn’t been at his listed address—and while I didn’t believe Wynter would try to go with him again, I was too nervous to risk it.
When I’d mentioned it to our lawyer, she’d suggested we drop off and pick up all the kids for a while.
There was no reason to believe the boys were in danger, but if Aren was back on drugs, anything was possible.
So, until he was found or Koa finished the season and could split it with me, the hours between 2:30 and 4:30 were pure chaos.
I hated to admit it, but I couldn’t keep this up.
Sometimes, I wondered how I’d done this as a thirteen-year-old all on my own, when weeks like this made me feel like I was drowning, even with all the extra support I had now.
My chest felt tight, a feeling that had been awfully familiar lately.
I’d been one crisis away from collapse my whole fucking life, so why now, when things were finally starting to settle, was I feeling it so hard?
Cara was getting better, Wynter and I were slowly stepping back onto solid ground, and now there was no chance that Aren would even get visitation rights, so I didn’t have to worry about that.
We were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I should be okay. So why wasn’t I?
The sun was bright as I left the hospital, making the brisk fall day a little warmer. And also making me hope I had sunglasses in the SUV. I never remembered to keep a pair in there, but Koa had about eight million, so there was bound to be one so I could actually see to drive.
I was shaking by the time I made it to the Toyota. My heart was racing. Fuck, I needed to breathe. What was happening?
Okay, dumb question. I wasn’t a stranger to panic attacks, but why the fuck was it happening now?
It wasn’t the time. Nothing was even wrong.
So what, I was a little overwhelmed? I was always a little overwhelmed.
That was life with seven fucking kids. I needed to focus.
Needed to breathe. Needed to pick up kids at three different schools soon.
I needed Koa.
Logically, I knew he probably wouldn’t answer. I doubted he even had his phone on him. I dialed anyway. Even if I only got his voicemail, it would help. I had to hear his voice.
“Riot?” I nearly jumped when his voice filled the car, since I wasn’t expecting it. “What’s the matter? Is everything okay?” He was speaking in a hushed tone, and I imagined he’d snuck off to some corner of the gym.
“I—” Fuck, now that he was on the line, I felt silly. I couldn’t believe I’d called him and interrupted him at work for no fucking reason.
“Riot.” His tone was stronger, more assured.
“I’m sorry. I know you’re at work. I—”
“Hey, don’t apologize. What’s going on? Oh god, Cara?”
My chest burned as I sucked in a much-needed breath. “No. She’s going to be okay. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Nothing’s wrong with you, sweetheart. Just breathe with me. You’ll be okay. I’m right here.”
“I feel like I’m spiraling, Ko. And it makes no fucking sense. Things are getting better. Why does it feel so hard all of a sudden?”
“Because you’re coming out of fight-or-flight mode. You’re allowing yourself to feel, probably truly for the first time since Cara got sick. It makes sense you’re crashing.”
I could see his point. I’d spent so much of my life surviving, it always felt weird at first when I didn’t have to.
“You’re so brave, Riot. And strong. I’ve spent most of the time I’ve known you being in awe of you. I know sometimes it might feel like too much, but when it does, remember I’m here.”
I banged my head against the steering wheel. “Y-yeah. I know. I know.”
“Are you okay to drive, sweetheart? I can leave—”
“No! I’ll be okay. I just needed to hear your voice. Thank you for picking up.”
“Of course, Ri. Even if I’m not with you, I’m only a phone call away.”
How did he always know exactly what to say?
“I’m gonna go. I need to get the little ones before pickup at the elementary school.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I could hear how worried Koa was.
“Yeah. I’m fine, I promise.”
“Okay. If that changes, call me, Riot. I mean it. I don’t care if I’m at practice. I’ll keep my phone on me the whole time.”
“I will. I love you.”
There was a pause, then: “I love you too.”
I wasn’t sure if this was different than any other time we’d said that to each other.
To me, it felt both exactly the same and wildly not.
All that had happened between us the last few weeks had opened my eyes and awakened things that had always existed but I’d been unaware of.
My love for Koa had always been strong and all-consuming, and maybe I was finally understanding exactly what that meant.