Chapter 19 Koa
Koa
Practice wasn’t easy. I could barely concentrate on running drills when all I could think about was getting home and getting my eyes and hands on Riot. If it wasn’t for the several text messages assuring me he was okay, I would’ve bailed immediately.
But it was playoff season, and we had a real chance at the championships.
Part of me couldn’t be fucked about it, too worried about what was going on.
But that wasn’t fair to the kids and the other coaches who were putting their all into it.
I remembered these games, how important they’d felt.
Back then, winning had felt like the biggest thing that would ever happen to us.
There were a few players being scouted, so I had to get my head in the game, even if my mind was a million miles away.
Riot never called me at work unless it was an emergency, so when I’d seen his number come through earlier, I’d known it had to be bad.
By the time I made it through the door, the house was in its usual pre-bedtime chaos.
The twins were running around the couch, chasing each other, both mostly dressed in their pajamas, their hair still wet from their showers.
Cruz was sitting cross-legged on the couch with his tablet in his hand, blatantly ignoring his brothers.
Riot and the little ones were nowhere to be seen, which meant he was probably getting them in bed.
“Hey, menaces,” I said, catching Bel just as he turned sharply around the corner and spinning him in my arms. “Causing trouble?”
Bel giggled as I put him on his feet. Cruz looked at me and rolled his eyes. “Aren’t they always?” He sounded like he was a full adult and not less than two years older than they were.
I ruffled his hair, and then Rue’s as I walked by. “Riot’s upstairs with the boys?”
“Yeah,” Rue told me. He was already jumping over the couch, trying to chase Bel again.
“Alright, roughhousing is over. Time to brush your teeth and get ready for bed.”
Rue sighed dramatically and threw himself on the couch. “Everyone always wants us to brush our teeth. It’s annoying.”
“You need to do it more,” Cruz told him. “I can smell your breath from across the room.”
Rue, instead of being offended, launched himself on his brother and breathed in his face.
“Eww, gross! Get off me!” Cruz shoved him off, but he was laughing, and so was Bel.
Something unfurled in my chest at seeing them playing.
The boys could be goofballs, but they also read a room with more perception than kids their age should.
Riot would try to hide it if he was still deeply struggling, but I thought the boys could at least sense if something were off.
But they were acting normal. I took it as a good sign.
As badly as I wanted to find Riot, I took some time to deal with the kids, making sure pajamas were fully put on, teeth were brushed, and they were ready for sleep.
Riot quietly snuck out of the younger boys’ room as I was herding the older ones up the stairs.
He looked over their heads at me with tired eyes and a soft smile. “Hey, how was practice?”
“Long. I love this time of year, but I’ll be happy when it’s over.”
“Yeah, me too.” Riot looked down at the boys. “All ready for bed?”
They shrugged. “I guess,” Rue told him sullenly.
Riot laughed and kissed each of them on the forehead despite their protests. “Good night. Love you.”
The three of them all grumbled their I love yous back, and then I started to guide them into their room.
“You got them?” Riot asked. “I’m going to hop in the shower real quick then.”
I kissed his cheek. “Yeah, I got this. See you in a bit.” I met his eyes for a brief moment, letting him know that we’d be talking soon.
Riot rolled his eyes, but he wasn’t actually annoyed. One last good night to the kids and he turned down the hallway to our room.
“All right, boys, let’s get this show on the road.”
“Will I ever not be exhausted?” Riot groaned as he flopped into the bed next to me.
He was wearing pajama pants with little clay bowls and vases that one of his students had gotten for him because they’d thought it was hilarious.
He was shirtless and his hair was loose and still a little damp from his shower.
He rested his head on my stomach, not at all bothered about getting me wet.
I ran my fingers through his hair. “When Stormy is eighteen maybe?”
Riot snorted. “Only sixteen more years then? Not bad.”
“How’re you?” I asked seriously. I knew if I didn’t bring it up, then Riot would act like his panic attack had never happened. He was open about a lot of things but would sometimes shut down and get defensive whenever he was struggling.
“I’m fine. Seriously, Ko. Sorry I called you during work.”
I held back my sigh, just barely though. “You know I don’t care about that. I’m only worried about you.”
Riot threaded his fingers through mine. He was fiddling with the waistband of his pajamas with his other hand. “I was just having a moment. Everything hit me at once. But I’m okay now, really. Thanks for talking to me.”
“Anytime, baby. You know that.”
“Mm-hmm.”
We fell quiet for a moment, lost in our thoughts. We had so much to talk about, but I didn’t even know where to begin.
Fuck it.
“Ri?”
He twisted his head to look at me.
“I love you.”
His thumb ran along my rib under my shirt. “I love you too, Ko.”
I closed my eyes, preparing to blurt out the one thing I still hadn’t completely shared.
I had said everything I felt over the last few weeks without saying it.
But it felt important now to lay it all out there.
I wasn’t as scared either. Knox had seen it way before I had, but I was pretty sure I was there now.
There was no more terror at the thought of losing Riot if I shared my feelings fully.
All I felt was relief at the idea of having no more secrets between us.
“I’m in love with you. Have been pretty much for forever.
Romantic love,” I clarified, not really sure how else to explain it.
“I truly believe you’re my soulmate. And .
. .” I paused, my words a little jumbled.
“Maybe I’ve been looking at it wrong all these years, and I’m sorry I never told you that before. ”
Riot turned so he was fully facing me. He was propped with his forearms on my chest, his face inches from mine, confusion lacing his hazel eyes. “What do you mean you were looking at it wrong?”
I traced his jawline. “I was afraid,” I admitted.
“I was convinced you only saw me as a friend, that if I told you how I felt, you’d shut me out or maybe force yourself to act in a way you didn’t want to.
So I stayed quiet. But these last few weeks made me realize that our feelings weren’t so different; we were just working on different definitions. ”
“Of course I love you, Koa,” Riot said, a little indignant. “You seriously didn’t realize that?”
“No, no, I did. I just didn’t understand how. Not really. Fuck, I don’t know, Ri. Saying it out loud makes me feel dumb. Like I wasted so much damn time in my own head.”
“I’m not going to pretend to understand what’s happening right now.
But I do love you. I can’t imagine not sharing my life with you.
I miss you when you’re not with me. You’re the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep.
I want to share everything with you, from the serious shit to pointless memes I see online.
When I think of my future, I think of you. Isn’t that enough?”
Tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t take it another moment. I hauled Riot up by his shoulders, kissing him roughly. “Yeah, baby. That’s enough. That’s fucking everything.”
Riot rested his head on my shoulder but was still looking up at me.
“I wish you told me. Whenever you got weird, I thought it was because you wanted space and were regretting that you’d locked yourself down to me, whatever the reasons.
I would’ve thought you knew I would never put distance between us, unless you wanted it. ”
“Yeah, I know,” I responded quietly. “I guess I was too afraid of losing you to really see it clearly.”
“You’re not gonna lose me,” he said with confidence.
“You don’t know that, Ri.” There was more venom in my voice than I meant, but I couldn’t help it.
“Maybe you’d never leave me on purpose. But you have no idea what will happen.
I’m sure my mom didn’t expect to die when I was a baby, but she did.
And my dad, same thing. He always promised he would be there for me, no matter what.
But he wasn’t. I know that wasn’t his fault, obviously.
But you can’t promise shit like that because there are no guarantees.
I guess somewhere in my mind, I thought that if I told you how I truly, really felt, I’d be putting it out into the universe and making my worst fears come true.
You and the kids are my only family, Ri.
If I lose you, I lose everything, and I guess I thought that keeping my mouth shut for the rest of my life was better than that risk. ”
“Fuck, Koa. I’m sorry. I had no idea. I-I wish I had a way to ease your worries.
But you’re right that there’s no way of knowing what will happen.
What I can promise you is that as long as I’m here, I’m yours, and even after, I’ll always be with you.
” Riot smirked. “Trust me, my ghost will be haunting you about the shitty way you load the dishwasher long after I’m gone. ”
Laughter broke through the tears and I pinched his hip. “There’s nothing wrong with the way I load the dishwasher. You’re just obsessive.”
He kissed my pec. “Whatever you say.”
I laughed. “God, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Koa, is there something you’re missing from this relationship? Like, you didn’t think I had the same feelings for you, and to be fair, I didn’t even realize it myself, but what can I do to show you?”
He kissed me. “You don’t need to do anything. Having it out in the open is enough.”
I frowned. It wasn’t enough for me. “Don’t stop communicating now. That’s not what we do. Did you wanna, I don’t know, go on dates and stuff? For real, not like last time.”
Koa’s lips quirked up. “Baby, when are we gonna go on dates? We have exactly one babysitter and she’s in the hospital.”
My heart twinged at the reminder. Even though I knew Cara would be fine, it still sent a wave of trepidation down my spine.
“Well, I don’t know. I’m just saying if there’s something you need, tell me. I’m kind of oblivious when it comes to context clues. I need direct.”
“I know. I promise I’ll tell you from now on.”
That was all I could ask for. “Thanks, babe.”