Chapter 21 Nova
Nova
Lying alone in my bed after sharing it with Easton and Lainey for the past few days, it’s hard for me to fall asleep.
I’m glad Lainey’s spending time with her best friend, but I miss being sandwiched between her and Easton.
I miss feeling his arms around me, and I’m scared the nightmares will return. Especially after the panic attack I had earlier.
Sighing, I climb out of bed and sneak into the hallway. I tiptoe down the stairs so I don’t wake anyone else. The house is so quiet it makes me feel a little on edge. After I take a seat on one of the couches, I pull my legs up to my chest and rest my chin on my knees.
I wish you were still here, Rach. Everything feels empty without you.
A breath quivers over my lips, and I don’t bother wiping away the tear that escapes.
Easton said I could stay, but I can’t help wondering what would be best for Lainey in the long run. We can’t live like this forever, and at some point, he might meet someone and get married.
I should get a job, right? Then I’ll be able to rent a place that I can make home for Lainey. She can live with me when Easton has to travel for work.
God, what would you do, Rach? I should’ve talked to you about this while you were still here.
When I don’t find any answers for my worries, I let out a sigh and grab the TV remote. Switching the device on, I make sure it’s muted before I spend ten minutes looking through all the movies. I’m hoping watching some TV will make me feel sleepy.
Two of Easton’s movies pop up, and I quickly glance over my shoulder before I press play on the one that has a rare kissing scene in it.
The first time I saw it, I was surprised because Easton mostly stars in action movies, and even though I don’t like seeing him kiss another woman, I can’t stop myself from watching it.
I fast forward to the scene where the kiss is about to happen, and even though I’ve seen it a thousand times, I still get butterflies when he stalks toward the actress with a determined expression.
God, I wish I was her.
Even though nothing romantic can ever happen between us, a girl can still dream.
Easton shoves the actress up against a wall and kisses the living hell out of her.
Giving in to my guilty fantasy, I imagine I’m the woman he’s pinning to the wall, and tilting my head, I tug my bottom lip between my teeth.
“Caught you red-handed,” Easton suddenly says.
“Oh my God!” I dart to my feet, turn the TV off, and throw the remote somewhere on the floor.
Crap!
Taking a few steps closer to where he’s standing at the foot of the stairs, I say, “I’m so sorry. It’s not what it looks like.”
It’s precisely what it looks like. I was drooling over Easton, and he caught me. Dear God, please let the ground open up and swallow me whole.
“I couldn’t sleep, and when I put on Netflix, I saw the movie, and it’s really good, so I thought I could watch it again because you’re asleep, which you clearly aren’t, and you’re seriously a good actor.
” I point at the TV, then ask the worst question I can possibly ask under the current circumstances, “How difficult is it to kiss someone like that? Do you have to like the woman, or do you just go wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am? ”
Dammit, Nova! For the love of all that’s holy, please shut up.
“It’s all an act,” he chuckles, sounding amused with me.
At least he’s not angry.
“Want me to show you?” he asks.
Not understanding his question, I grunt like an idiot, “Huh?”
He shrugs as he moves closer. “I can show you.”
“How to act?” I ask, my tone way too high-pitched.
“No.” He takes another step closer to me, and the light coming through the sliding doors makes everything suddenly feel intense and intimate. “How to kiss like I do in a movie.”
I tilt my head sharply, thinking I must be fast asleep and this is turning into the best dream I’ve ever had.
Easton lifts his hand and wraps his fingers around the back of my neck, and I swear, my heart sets off at such a crazy pace there’s a strong possibility it might beat right out of my chest.
“Ready?” he asks.
I have zero brain function to say anything, and not thinking about the repercussions, I nod.
Easton’s features tighten until he looks at me as if I’m the only woman who matters to him.
Holy shit.
There’s an intense fluttering in my stomach, and my breaths come in shallow, quick puffs.
His grip on the back of my neck tightens, and as his face comes closer to mine, my heart all but stops. I hold my breath, and the moment his lips touch mine, every single one of my senses zooms in on him.
Yes. Oh God, yes.
The feel of his mouth pressing against mine is overwhelmingly glorious, and I don’t even care about the needy moan drifting from me.
His tongue brushes along the seam of my lips, and it sends shock waves of good feelings rushing through me as I open for him to enter.
A deep groan rumbles from Easton, then I’m yanked flush with his body. His tongue plunges into my mouth, and a powerful tremble rocks my body.
Somehow, I grab hold of his sides, and it’s only then I realize he’s not wearing a shirt. Feeling his skin beneath my palms and having his mouth on mine is the most intense thing I’ve ever experienced.
A gasp bursts from me, and the next second, the kiss spirals into a wild war of desire and desperation to taste as much as possible of each other.
At least, that’s how it feels for me.
It’s like Easton is trying to devour me as he lays claim to every inch of my mouth. Utterly consumed with the man I love more than anything, I lift my arms and wrap them around his neck, clinging to him as if my very life depends on him.
I lift onto my tiptoes in an attempt to get as close as possible to him. With every stroke of his tongue and nip of his teeth, tingles crash over me like waves until I’m a breathless, needy mess who’s willing to do anything for him not to stop.
Easton’s hands glide down my sides, and when he reaches my butt, he grips me tightly, and I’m lifted off my feet. Without breaking the kiss, he takes a few steps until my back is pressed against the nearest wall.
Holy crap, this is a dream come true.
One of his hands moves to the back of my thigh, and he lifts my leg. I quickly hook it around the back of his, then the meager air I’m able to breathe in between kisses explodes from me as he thrusts against the overheated spot between my thighs.
He feels incredibly hard and big, making a fire ignite in my abdomen.
So good.
Easton moves his hand from behind my neck, and he grips a fistful of my hair. My head is tugged back, and I lose his mouth to my throat, where he bites and sucks at my sensitive skin.
“Easton,” I moan, my hands coasting over his shoulders before settling on his muscled chest.
He leaves a trail of kisses up my throat and jaw, then his teeth tug at my bottom lip before his tongue drives back into my mouth again.
God, how have I survived so long without experiencing this kind of kiss?
The heat and hunger coming from Easton shine a stark light on the barren life I’ve lived up until this moment. All the loneliness, feeling like I never belonged, settling for bastards who abused me—it all feels so cold and brutal now that I get to experience the real thing.
Only, it’s not the real thing.
Feeling like I’m doused with a bucket of ice, I rip my mouth away from his and push against his chest. I quickly pull myself out of the space between his body and the wall and hurry toward the kitchen.
Breathless and shocked, I struggle to cope with the fact that I got carried away. Yanking the fridge open, I grab water and take a few desperate sips before placing the bottle on the island.
“Nova?”
Act like your life depends on it.
“I can see why you won an Oscar,” I say, injecting lightheartedness into my voice. “You’re a good actor.”
Shit.
I place my hand on my stomach as it bottoms out.
What did I do? How do I fix it?
My mind races while my emotions spiral out of control.
“Hey.” Easton places his hand on my shoulder, but I quickly step away from him and put a safe distance between us.
Forcing myself to chuckle, I hope it sounds natural. I walk to the stairs, saying, “Thanks for showing me. Sleep tight.”
Thanks for showing me? Really?
I rush up to the second floor and dart into my bedroom, but as I begin to shut the door, Easton pushes his way inside before closing it softly behind us.
With the lights on, there’s no mistaking the worried look on his face as he says, “We aren’t sleeping until we’ve talked about what just happened.”
“Nothing happened,” I lie, doing my best to keep my voice steady but failing miserably. “You showed me how you k . . . what you do in movies. It was good . . . I mean, you were great.”
With my heart thundering in my chest and embarrassment heating my face, I move backward.
There are harsh lines cut into his face, and it’s clear he’s upset, which only makes everything so much worse.
I can’t believe I messed up like this!
Hating that I’ve put us in this awful situation and made him angry, I whimper, “I’m sorry.”
My breathing keeps speeding up until nothing but puffs of air burst over my lips. My chest tightens, and I grip the fabric of my shirt as a panic attack rips through me.
“Christ, Nova,” Easton exclaims, darting forward to close the distance between us. “You did nothing wrong. Calm down for a second so we can talk. Okay?”
Unable to control the trembling in my body, his words don’t sink in. All I can think about is that I’ve ruined everything.
My skin grows clammy as I try to slow down my breaths.
Easton lifts his hands to my face, framing my cheeks, and looking deep into my eyes, he says, “Just breathe. It’s okay. Shh. Deeper breaths.”
Somehow, I manage to calm down enough to stop the panic attack. Feeling rotten, I pull my face free from his hold and take a few steps away.
Trying to do some damage control, my voice is hoarse as I say, “I’m sorry I got carried away.
It was . . .” my mind races to come up with a valid excuse, “a spur-of-the-moment thing and won’t happen again.
” My eyes dart to Easton’s worried face before lowering to the plush carpet.
“I’d appreciate it so much if you could pretend tonight didn’t happen, and we can go on as normal.
If not for me, then for Lainey’s sake.” Desperate to fix things, I keep rambling, “Because of the relationship I just got out of and losing Rachel, it’s hard to think clearly. I’m so sorry.”
Easton stares at me for so long I can’t keep from whimpering, “Please, can we forget tonight happened? I promise nothing like that will ever happen again.”
I’m confused when he looks disappointed. “Is that what you really want?”
Yes. I just want things to return to normal.
Sucking in a deep breath, I give him another pleading look. “Please. Lainey’s going through enough, and I don’t want my stupid actions upsetting her more.” I quickly gesture at him. “I also don’t want to upset you.”
His eyes narrow on me. “I’m the one who initiated the kiss.” He folds his arms over his chest. “I’m sorry I crossed the line.”
His words sink in, and I realize we were both at fault.
“You’re under a lot of pressure,” I say to stop him from feeling bad.
He shakes his head, and uncrossing his arms, he pushes his fingers through his hair before locking eyes with me and admitting, “I kissed you because I wanted to.”
I’ve been trying not to dissect the kiss, but now that he’s said the words, it’s impossible to ignore the fact that Easton kissed me with so much passion it ignited a fire between us.
He begins to move closer to me but stops and shakes his head again. “Christ, Nova. I’m falling head over fucking heels for you, and I thought you felt the same. Did I read things wrong between us?”
Easton is falling for me?
My lips part in shock, and I’m stunned for a moment before my emotions spiral out of control as happiness and worry war inside me.
Even though I love Easton, I can’t take a chance on the only dream I’ve ever had. I have to put Lainey first. If Easton and I get romantically involved and things don’t work out, it will disrupt Lainey’s entire life.
And I’ll lose him.
The thought of losing Easton and Lainey is unbearable, and I begin to shake my head. “It doesn’t matter how we feel. Lainey comes first.”
“I’m pretty sure she’ll be fine with us dating,” he says, his eyes not leaving my face for a second.
I shake my head again. “If we get romantically involved and it doesn’t work out, it will disturb Lainey’s life.
” My chin quivers, my emotions completely out of control.
“And I’ll lose your friendship. I’m not willing to take the risk.
” I give Easton a pleading look. “This is the first time I feel like I belong somewhere and I have a purpose.”
Easton sucks in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. He turns his head and stares at the dressing table for painfully long minutes before he looks at me again.
“Are you attracted to me?”
My tongue darts out to wet my dry lips before I whisper, “It doesn’t matter how I feel.”
His features tighten, and his tone is tense as he asks, “Are you attracted to me, Nova?”
I feel like bursting out in tears, but I manage to keep control over the urge as I nod. “But—”
He takes a step toward me. “Do you love me?”
Oh God.
Trying to diminish my feelings for him, I reply, “Of course. I’ve known you all my life.”
When it looks like he’s going to fire another question my way, I hold up a hand.
“Stop, Easton,” I beg, my heart thundering in my chest. “I just got out of a horrible relationship. We lost Rachel. Lainey needs us.” My voice cracks because I can’t have the one thing I’ve wanted for so many years.
I can’t be selfish. “I just want . . .” I swallow hard as I force the lie over my lips, “I just want to be your friend so I can be there for you and Lainey.”
Sadness creeps into his eyes, and it takes a brutal swing at my heart. “If that’s what you really want.”
Unable to force the words over my lips again, I can only nod.
Easton turns around, and as he leaves my bedroom, my heart clenches painfully in my chest.
My hands fly up to cover my mouth so I can smother the sob as it escapes me.
No matter how badly I want Easton, I can’t be selfish. This is what’s best for everyone.