Chapter Twenty-Five
W hat a bloody disaster ; that man was brutal.
Why had Gabriel even invested so much time in sessions with a counsellor who took him for a cosseted, privileged moaner?
A niggling voice at the back of his head kept insisting he hadn’t tried hard enough to see things from Delia’s perspective.
He’d assumed she’d drop her fear of commitment like a bothersome burden once he made clear how serious he was about her.
‘So, you came to believe you could heal her with your love but that backfired.’
...That grating voice, no, he couldn’t go back there, even if Christian Miller had made some good points.
Gabriel ground his teeth, his stomach leaden with guilt.
He hadn’t even mentioned Vanessa once during his therapy sessions.
If he was being honest with himself, he hadn’t talked about her because the therapist wouldn’t have hesitated to dissect his less-than-noble motives, would have told him his attempt at rekindling things with Vanessa was the act of a coward too scared to face heartbreak on his own.
That he was using her to shield himself against his feelings for Delia he still had no handle on.
He needed to break things off with Vanessa, untether himself, and float in the thin and hostile atmosphere of his loss without a new partner to numb the old pain. After all, he was going to be a father, and he wanted to be dependable, mature, and kind, like his dad had been.
The children of lovers are orphans . Gabriel shook his head. Jem and his silly notions. He’d never been emotionally neglected, even if his parents hadn’t been physical in their expression of their love for him. As a child he’d gone to Mary and Liam for hugs and cuddles. Surely that didn’t mean...
Gabriel chewed his lip. Mulling over his childhood wasn’t his wont. For now, he needed help coping with the present, and maybe there was a counsellor in Renwood who was somewhat less confrontational than Christian Miller. Evelyn could probably recommend someone else.
He picked up his phone and dialed Dr. Ashford’s number. “Evelyn, thank you for taking my call, I know I’m not your patient, and I appreciate it.”
“Not at all, Gabriel, I’m glad to hear from you. How are you getting on with Christopher?”
“He’s a bit...bracing.”
“Christopher? Bracing? But he is the kindest, most gentle and understanding—”
“Wait a minute, don’t you mean Christian Miller?”
“Christian? No, my goodness, you must have landed in the practice of another Mr. Miller. I’m so sorry. You can change therapists, if you want to, I’ll talk to Christopher.”
“Oh, that explains it.” Gabriel had to laugh. Sitting in Christian Miller’s consultation room and wondering all the while why Evelyn had recommended him. “But I’ll contact him myself now I know what C. Miller to avoid.”
Evelyn chuckled. “Oh dear, what a mishap. I’m glad you got back to me and didn’t force yourself to stick with a psychologist who is not a good match for you.”
~ * ~
D elia was proud of herself, justifiably so.
In the last three days, she had done one thing for pleasure every single day.
She counted the bubble bath on Saturday.
It had been a start even if steeping oneself in warm water until it got tepid wasn’t exactly her idea of fun.
A bit of trial and error along the way had to be permissible.
Evelyn wasn’t quite as impressed as Delia had expected, and she fought a tiny whisper of disappointment.
She was an over-achiever, and not getting Evelyn’s approval registered as failure.
But that wasn’t the aim of this whole enterprise.
Delia wasn’t there to get the psychologist to like her.
She was there to get the help she badly needed.
Because the mere thought of facing Gabriel after everything he’d said in his letter, sent her emotions into a tailspin.
She braced herself and began, “Evelyn, I was wondering if we could organize a session with me and Gabriel, the child’s father. You could mediate and help us cope with each other. To help me navigate the situation now that he has a new partner, who he will surely have children with at some stage.”
Evelyn adjusted her glasses and regarded Delia for a while. “Does he know you’re in therapy?”
Delia lowered her head. “No, I... We don’t talk much, at the moment. That’s what makes it difficult, you see.”
“I suppose it could work. If you attended the session together, you would share information voluntarily and patient confidentiality wouldn’t be an issue. You would have to bring it up with him, as I can’t do that. If he agrees, I’d be happy to talk to both of you.”
“Oh.” Delia hesitated.
She had hoped to be able to delegate this particularly unpleasant task to the psychologist. No such luck. She would have to bite the bullet and ring him. Try to get him to agree to meet on neutral ground, with Evelyn there to keep them focused.
“I’ll ask him. Thank you for offering your help, Evelyn, it means a lot to me.”
“Not at all. Let me know the outcome so I can schedule the joint appointment sooner rather than later.”
Delia bit her lip. Oh God, when would she ring him?
Maybe not right away. She needed to psych herself up first. Would he even answer the phone if he recognized her number?
She couldn’t possibly go to the gatehouse again and see him with his new partner.
To have witnessed the affection between him and Vanessa once had been harrowing enough, and Delia was in no mental shape to repeat that experience.
Alone in her flat, the idea that had sounded brilliant in Evelyn’s consultation room lost a great deal of its appeal. Clutching the mobile phone in her sweaty palm, Delia paced through her living room, trying to muster the courage to call the man who, at this moment, was no particular fan of hers.
She needed to be calm on the phone, patient, sober but not too cool either. Also not so warm as to betray that she regretted not having grabbed him when she had the chance. He was somebody else’s now, and she would respect that.
Right so. Long breath in, long breath out. She dialed his number and pressed her phone to her ear, half-panicked, half-excited. Her pulse raced, and her throat was dry. Gabriel, please pick up, no don’t...
“Delia?”
His voice was cool and detached. Her chest contracted with pain. Pain of my own making, she reminded herself because her new regime of self-compassion was currently offline. “I... Am I disturbing you?”
“No.”
“Oh, good, ah, I was wondering if you’d be open to meeting with me and my therapist, Dr. Evelyn Ashford.
She’s a lovely lady, and you know, it might be a good idea to meet on neutral ground with a third person who could advise us on co-parenting.
What do you think?” She was breathless, having rushed through her proposal to get it off her chest, and now, she was steeling herself for his reply.
But he remained silent. “Gabriel, are you still there?”
“Yes I am. It’s a good idea.”
Delia exhaled, relieved. His voice was matter of fact, his answer short and to the point, but at least she would see him, and maybe they could find a way to salvage some sort of friendship now he was with somebody else.
Her broken heart was for her to deal with. She would learn to keep the pain under wraps and be a reliable and sensible co-parent. She’d do it for their child, for him, and most importantly, for herself.
“Excellent. What days of the week would suit?”
“I’ll make time. Email me the details of the appointment so I know when to be there.”
“Yes, of course, and Gabriel?”
“Yes?”
His voice was softer now, and it warmed her. “Thank you.”
~ * ~
G abriel had suggested to Vanessa that they meet in the park of Renwood Hall.
It’d seemed like a good idea at the time—to walk and talk without being disturbed.
But now as he stood by the gate, Renoir at his heel, panting and ready for a good run, he wondered whether he was being callous.
Should he have asked her to come to the gatehouse?
Vanessa was intelligent. Surely, she had an inkling that something was up.
They hadn’t progressed past cautious dating even though they’d been trying to reunite for a while.
Things were strained, and they’d never managed to recapture the lightness of being natural with one another let alone reignite some long-buried passion.
Nothing physical had happened between them since that one ill-advised kiss.
He straightened. This would be uncomfortable, and it would hurt her no doubt. Yet he needed to be honest with her. She was a great woman and deserved someone who loved her unreservedly. He wasn’t that man. Not anymore.
The crunching of gravel announced Vanessa’s green Jaguar. She pulled up close to the gate and got out. Dressed in a powder blue coat and charcoal trousers, her blonde hair flowing to her shoulders, she looked effortlessly elegant. Her smile was tentative, her posture tense.
Renoir chose this moment to abandon Gabriel, cantering off toward the big house, probably in search of Mary or Liam. He wasn’t a dog who enjoyed conflict, and the air had to be thick with the crackling of imminent discord.
“Gabriel.” Vanessa approached him and kissed his cheek, her gloved hands on his shoulders.
“Thanks for coming. It’s a bit cold out, but I thought a walk would be good.” He motioned to the entrance gate of the park, and she followed him. Whatever she expected to be the purpose of this walk, she wasn’t going to make it easy for him. He didn’t deserve easy.
“You’re probably wondering what I asked you to come here for, so formally, so...” He took a deep breath and scanned her face for clues about how she was feeling. Her brow was slightly furrowed, but again she didn’t speak.
“I, ah, I’m very sorry to put it bluntly, but I’m not sure how else... What I mean is...” He glanced at her again. Her eyes were wet with tears. “Jeez. Vanessa, I’m so sorry, I...”
He nearly hugged her but stopped himself in time. That gesture would be counter-productive.
He wrung his hands instead. “I’m not... We can’t revive our relationship. It’s in the past. We’re both different now, and we can’t reawaken old feelings.”
Vanessa stopped in her tracks. “Gabriel, she doesn’t love you.”
“I know, I know. It’s not because of Delia, though. I...”
“But I do.”
“Vanessa, I can’t, I...I can’t return that love. I’m sorry.”
She turned and walked to the gate, and he sped up to once more be level with her. Guilt had him in a vice-like grip. He was causing her pain even though he’d never meant to. She dashed some tears from her cheeks.
“Then there’s not much more to say, is there?” In a calmer voice, she added, “I hope, for your sake, this isn’t some sort of payback because I broke off our engagement.”
He said nothing, preferring to deal with her anger than witness her hurt. She held herself with rigid reserve and refused to look at him.
Oh, what a mess he had made. He should never have agreed to Vanessa’s suggestion. His gut had told him not to. His whole body had rejected the very notion. But he hadn’t paid any heed to his instincts because they had led him astray so painfully when he had fallen headlong in love with Delia.
Every touch, every word, every intimate whisper had been so natural, so right. And it had led him right to where he stood now.
Vanessa faced him. “I would prefer if we ceased to have any contact from now on.”
Gabriel pushed his hands deep into the pockets of his coat and dropped his gaze to the ground. “Yes, if that’s what you want.”
She headed for her car, her back straight, her strides long. It was clear that she didn’t want him to follow her.