Chapter 14
Charlie
I keep quiet inside the dim pantry, the voices from within the kitchen having caused me to come to a halt. Arthur and I finished our breakfast upstairs only minutes ago, and he was to return the tray. His tone of voice, however, tells me he’s now engaged in a serious conversation with the staff.
The water for my bath will have to wait.
“The reason I asked for Ruby to step outside is because I’m unsure if this news will be welcome to her. Ella, once I reveal what it is I’ve come here to, I will ask your opinion on this.”
I suspect Ella nods because Arthur continues. My pulse hammers as I take a step closer to the kitchen door.
“I’ve known the three of you for years. Willard, Ella, you’ve been with me for over a decade. I consider all of you closer to family than staff, so I ask for you to not react harshly to my words. From now forward, within the walls of this house, Charlotte is to be referred to as Charlie. Or sir. ”
There’s a pause in which I imagine Arthur is gauging the shock of his audience. My own breaths shorten, my pulse a steady drum I can hear within my ears.
“Mr. Kane would also suit.” Arthur’s voice is calm but firm. “Not Charlotte. Not ma’am. And not Mrs. If that is not something you feel you can do, I will pay for your time as you find a position elsewhere.”
There’s another silence, and then Ella speaks, her voice a lower register than Bess’s.
“Are you saying we’re to pretend Charlotte is a man?”
I swallow heavily, my breakfast sitting ill within my stomach.
“He is a man.” Arthur’s words, so steadfast, nearly steal the breath from my lungs.
“At the heart of him, it is who Charlie knows himself to be. And he’s never had a chance to be seen as such.
Not until now. I don’t expect you to understand.
Not fully. And mistakes may happen along the way.
But so long as you are trying your best to treat him as he deserves, I will not chastise you for simply misspeaking.
If you cannot accept him, that is another matter.
So what say you? Will you try your best to make Charlie feel welcome in his home? ”
I can’t stay to listen. I simply can’t. I pad quickly but quietly through the door into the dining room and then rush up the stairs to our chamber.
My dress floats around my knees as I shut the door, sinking to the floor in front of it.
Almost immediately, I stand again, pacing to the bed, over to the window, and then to the vanity stool.
I sit, my back to the mirror, not wanting to see how I presented myself in order to go downstairs for hot water.
I’m up again in an instant, untying my dress with fumbling fingers. It feels too tight, my lungs battling for air, everything within me screaming to get out, get out, get out .
I nearly sob in relief when the fabric pools at my feet. I tug off my petticoat next and throw it as far as it will go. It hits Arthur’s wardrobe before the fabric sinks in a slow cascade toward the rug.
Naked, I drop to the floor, my knees up in front of me, my arms around them tight. I can feel myself shaking, but there’s nothing to be done for it.
The door clicks open before I’ve moved. The ache in my body tells me I’ve been in this position for quite some time.
“Charlie.” There’s alarm in Arthur’s voice. He comes quickly my way, warm hands settling on my arms as he drops to a crouch in front of me. “What on earth is the matter?”
I can feel his gaze sweeping over me, but I don’t know how to explain all I’m feeling.
He stills when he notices the dress on the floor nearby. “Did you put that on?”
I nod, my eyes stinging yet my cheeks dry.
He lets out the softest puff of air before reaching for the garment. “Should I fetch the scissors again?”
I let out an unexpected laugh, the sound like a pressure release. “I went downstairs.”
“Ah.” The single syllable is full of understanding. I have no doubt Arthur has already figured it out. He stands, bringing the dress to his wardrobe. He picks up the petticoat, as well, stuffing both inside.
“I may need those,” I point out.
“Then we will free them from their prison when the time comes.” Arthur returns to me with a shirt, holding it in front of me, a question, not a demand.
I accept the cotton, tugging it on and drawing it over my knees as Arthur seats himself on the floor once more, inches in front of me. “Will you tell me? ”
“I went for a pot of water for my bath,” I say, my throat feeling raw, as if I’ve been crying, when I know I have not. “I could have waited for you, I know that. But I wanted to do it on my own. I wore the dress because…”
“I understand.” Arthur doesn’t need me to explain it. The staff seeing me in trousers and his shirt would have been alarming, at best. “You will not need to do so again, Charlie dear. You heard me talking to them, I gather?”
“In part,” I admit, tugging the hem of the shirt at my ankle. “Did you discuss it with Ruby?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“And although each of them is bewildered by the request, they’ve agreed to honor it. You won’t be made to feel shame here.”
“Arthur,” I say on a breath. “Surely it can’t be that easy.”
“And why not? I’ve employed good people I trust. My primary concern was with Ruby, as she is new, but I don’t believe she will share our secret.
And if she does, what of it? No proof will be found.
Willard will not allow any unwelcome company past these doors.
Ella and Bess will stand on our side because I’ve asked it of them.
I’m choosing to trust Ruby will be on our side, as well.
If nothing else, I trust Ella’s judgement on the matter.
No one will know Charlie Kane exists, my love.
He is safe here. I will see to it with everything I have. ”
I pull in a shuddering inhale. “I’m frightened, Arthur.”
The admission isn’t easy, but Arthur has never once made me feel badly for shows of emotion.
Nor has he ever tried to tell me I’m being foolish or dismissed me simply because I’m…
because I appear to be a lady. He’s the person I trust most in this world, and I trust him with all of me.
I’ll never doubt him again, not after this. Not for as long as I live .
“Why are you frightened, my dear?”
I abandon picking at the hem of my shirt to grab the fabric of Arthur’s trouser leg. He takes the hint, scooting closer, his legs outside of my own. Speaking about this isn’t easy, even as I know it must be done.
“I’m frightened that someone will find out. And of what that means for me. For us. I’m afraid I’ll allow myself this luxury to live as I’ve always wished only to be forced back into my cage. It will hurt a hundred times worse, Arthur. To spread my wings only to have them clipped.”
He lets out a slow breath, that mind of his considering all angles. It’s something I love about Arthur. His big, open mind.
“Let’s address this one at a time.” His voice is calm, and it settles me in turn.
“The first matter, that someone will find out. We’ll be careful, all of us.
You’ll stay inside or in the back gardens when dressed for yourself.
As I’ve said, no visitors will be allowed without notice, so no one will have the opportunity to see you as such.
When we go out, it will be different, but we’ll tackle those occasions as they come.
I don’t feel as if the staff will talk, but if they do, money can pave many roads.
We have plenty of that, my love. It will work in our favor. ”
I nod, and Arthur rubs his hands up and down my legs.
“As for the second point.” He frowns slightly.
“It should not be a luxury to live as yourself, Charlie. I understand why you would consider it such, and I know all of this has to be overwhelming to a large degree. But I will never, not ever , force you back inside that cage. You’re free from it already, don’t you see?
As archaic as it is, in the eyes of those around us, you belong to me.
And I’m never handing you back. I’d rather perish than cause you injury, internal or otherwise.
So if you wish to never wear a dress again, we will close our doors and become hermits. ”
I let out a laugh, and Arthur smiles, looking so very pleased. “But how then would you teach?”
He shrugs. “I would further my own knowledge. Or we could learn together, if that’s an endeavor you’re interested in.”
Exhaling, I offer a small smile. “I would love to learn more of astronomy.”
“Truly?”
“Yes. My father used to sit with me, teaching me what he knew, telling me stories of the stars. Until I was too old for it. Then, he stopped.”
Arthur makes a soft, knowing sound. Ladies are not permitted to learn as gentlemen are. It’s not their place.
Or so some say.
“I’ve often thought about how my life would be different if I were born a man,” I say quietly.
“I would likely be at the university right now, a telescope beneath my fingertips, pages and pages of notes spread out before me charting the position of celestial bodies moving within our sight. And to think of how much more there is out there… Stars we’ll never see. Those that have already died.”
There’s a tiny smile on Arthur’s face when I meet his eye. “May I show you something?”
I nod, and Arthur stands.
He only takes a step before stopping and looking back at me thoughtfully. “Trousers might suit.”
I laugh, getting to my feet as Arthur returns to his wardrobe. I put on the trousers he hands me, and, once dressed, he opens the door, his hand held in invitation.
It takes me a moment to move forward. I straighten my shirt, my hands drifting over the loose fabric tucked into my trousers, the fit making me all too aware of the differences between my husband’s chest and my own.
Arthur seems to understand I need time because he never presses me.
He simply waits as I gather my nerves and step with him into the hall.
I look down both sides of it, my heart galloping, but there’s no one in sight. Even if there were, Arthur assured me I’m safe here. I believe him.
Arthur gives me a soft smile when I accept his hand, and then he leads me toward the end of the hall. He opens a door there, revealing the staircase to the third floor he told me about but we’ve yet to visit.
He makes a contemplative sound as we ascend the stairs. “I haven’t used these rooms much. Haven’t had a reason to. Although I suspect that’s changed.”
Arthur’s twinkling eyes meet mine as we come to a stop at the end of the corridor.
He opens another door, the hinges creaking, and waves me on.
I step tentatively forward, the room in front of me flooded with sunlight, the floor bare and dust swirling around me.
My gaze is drawn upwards, and I can’t stop my gasp.
“Arthur. What is this?”
His voice is light as he follows me into the room. “A solarium. I was quite shocked to find it here, but the previous landowner had the room modified for his late wife, who had a passion for growing flowers. Quite beautiful, is it not?”
I walk the perimeter of the room, my gaze trailing from the large, wide windows on three walls to the pitched roof covered in glass. Though the windowpanes are dirty, I can clearly see the cloudless sky above. Beautiful doesn’t begin to cover it.
Arthur hums gently. “I think this would make a fine observatory, don’t you? ”
There’s a stutter in my chest as well as in my step. I turn back around to find my husband smiling.
He goes on almost offhandedly. “It could use a bit of cleaning. The outside glass will be tricky, but I’m sure we can find a way.
We’ll want furnishings, as well. A desk.
A settee, perhaps, if I’m to lounge in here while you work.
Likely an extra blanket or two, as the room does suffer an unfortunate draft.
The telescope may take time, but I’ll place an order as soon as I’m back in town. What do you think, my—”
Arthur’s words cut off as I wrap my arms around him. He laughs, a joyous sound, his own arms coming around me tight as I press my face against the hollow of his throat. I breathe him in, my chest feeling tight, my love for this man too big for my body to contain.
And I realize, with a start…
“I never would have known you.”
Arthur stills. “What’s that?”
“If I had been born differently,” I say, the revelation as shocking as it is comforting, in a strange sort of way.
“If I were raised as a gentleman, I wouldn’t know you as I do now.
Our paths may have crossed, but we wouldn’t be here.
I wouldn’t be standing with you in this home.
You wouldn’t be my husband. We could never be. ”
He’s quiet for a moment, his hand soothing up and down my back. “I don’t like the idea of you suffering to be with me, my love.”
“No,” I say quietly, bringing my face away from Arthur’s throat.
He’s looking at me with a frown I wish I hadn’t caused.
“What I mean to say is… If I can find some comfort in the lot I’ve been given, it’s this.
I would choose you countless times over.
I’d take a lifetime of being loved by you, Arthur Kane, ov er any life lived without.
I’m more than certain there’s not a storm I couldn’t weather, so long as I have you at my side. ”
Arthur’s eyes are wet, his inhale measured but shaky. “To hear you say so is a great joy. And it will be my honor to stand at your side through rain and thunder, my dear heart. Sunshine, too, for I hope we have plenty of it.”
“I have no doubt,” I say softly, looking around the room once more.
It’s all too easy to envision a desk sitting in the middle, a grand telescope pointed toward the sky.
Arthur in his settee as he drinks an evening cup of tea, and me in front of my lens, the stars bright overhead.
At night, the view in here will be impeccable.
Arthur chuckles lightly. “Are you already plotting?”
I smile ruefully in response, not even trying to deny it.
He holds out his hand. “Come. Let’s sit down for lunch, and you can tell me what you need.”
I accept Arthur’s palm, giving the room one last glance before walking away. For now.
Perhaps there are some attributes about my person I would rather like to change given the chance.
But when it comes to Arthur, to us, I wouldn’t alter a single thing.