Chapter 30
Wolfe
“You’re especially surly today.” I jumped as Margaret appeared in a painting on the wall where I stood on the upper level, right next to the balcony.
I wished she would stop doing that.
“It’s a party!” She shimmied her shoulders. “It’s time to celebrate!”
I didn’t feel like celebrating anything, not after what I’d just said to Niamh.
I’d known it needed to be done, that this thing between us was dangerous, and I’d also known the only way to push Niamh away was to hurt her.
Waking up with her head of lovely red hair on my chest had awakened something in me, had cracked my chest wide open, and I couldn’t allow it. Not when so much was at stake.
But fuck, seeing those tears in her eyes had broken my heart. I just had to remind myself that I was doing the right thing by pushing her away.
“Well, you’re no fun,” Margaret said. “I’m going to join the drunk royal guards.” She pointed downstairs to where the guards were now dancing.
Fucking useless. If Harriet were here, she’d hand them their asses, but I assumed she had tonight off.
I scanned the room for Cillian, realizing he’d disappeared into the crowd right when Margaret had scared me. I’d looked away for one fucking second, and somehow he was gone.
It looked like the guards weren’t the only useless ones. My mother caught my eye from below and gave a wave that I returned, and Jerome stood next to her, nodding at me. I looked away, unable to meet his eye.
Cillian reappeared in the crowd and immediately caught my gaze, glaring at me, fists clenched. Something had rattled him, but I didn’t know what.
Nevan crossed the room and put a hand on his shoulder, but Cillian shrugged him away, marching straight toward the stairs and toward me.
I didn’t move, waiting for him to come and say whatever he had to say. Maybe he’d discovered something about me and Niamh. I swallowed thickly, knowing that must have been it. He’d somehow realized my feelings for his future queen.
It was a relief, actually. I could finally get the punishment I deserved.
Cillian appeared at the top of the stairs, chest heaving as he pointed toward the back of the space. “Back there. Now.”
He turned and walked down an aisle, disappearing from my sight between the bookshelves. I let loose a breath and followed him. I’d accept whatever punishment he deemed fit for this betrayal.
I met him in the back, looking at him coolly as he shoved up the sleeves of his shirt.
“Cillian? Wolfe?” Nevan appeared, adjusting the spectacles on his nose. “What’s going on?”
Pain splintered my jaw, my neck cracking to the side, and it took a moment to realize my brother had just punched me.
“Fucking finally.” I spit out a wad of blood.
“Cillian!” Nevan yelled.
I straightened as blood trickled out of my mouth. The pain was oddly cathartic, masking everything else I was feeling.
Cillian shook his hand. “Ow. Good godwitches that hurt. Fuck. Is your jaw made of stone?”
“Push through the pain,” I said, and Cillian’s gaze snapped to me, full of fire.
“You bastard.” He lunged and tackled me, and even though he was smaller, the force of him barreling into me knocked us both to the ground.
He fell on top of me and punched me in the nose. “How could you do that?” he cried. “How could you?”
“Do what?” Nevan ran to Cillian, trying to pull him off me.
“You had something good, and you just had to ruin it.”
He punched me again, and I laughed, blood now gushing out of my nose. “Hit me again.” I slapped my palms against my chest. “It’s what I deserve.”
Cillian stopped as Nevan tugged his arm. He looked at me with disgust. “No.” He got off me and straightened his shirt, now spattered by my blood. “You don’t get to enjoy this. Dammit, Wolfe.”
“Can someone explain what is going on?” Nevan helped me to my feet and stood between me and Cillian, who was still glaring.
“I have feelings for his bride,” I said, “and he’s giving me exactly what I deserve.”
Nevan’s eyes widened, and he turned to Cillian. “Is that true?”
Cillian jabbed a finger. “I knew it. I fucking knew it! And no, that’s not true.” His face screwed up in confusion. “That’s why you think I punched you?”
“I deserved worse. You should’ve thrown me in the dungeon, banned me from Fairwitch Isle, finally given me what I deserve for all the ways I’ve wronged you.”
It was my fault Nevan and Cillian had lost their brother. I was so sick of everyone tiptoeing around it, not talking about it. Mostly, I was sick of hating myself. I just wanted them to hate me, too, like if they did, I’d finally get some relief from the unrelenting pain.
Understanding passed over Cillian’s face, all the anger melting away. “You have to forgive yourself, Wolfe. The rest of us have. When are you going to catch up?”
I swallowed thickly. “If that’s not why you punched me, then what is going on?” I asked through gritted teeth.
“That’s what I’d like to know.” Nevan crossed his arms.
“You made her cry!” Cillian said.
“What?” Blood dripped onto my vest, and I used the back of my sleeve to wipe it from my chin.
“You were cruel to her. How could you be cruel to her like that? You should’ve seen her, sobbing by herself in the back of the library, and all over a man who doesn’t deserve her.”
My heart fucking cracked right down the middle. “Finally we’re on the same page.”
“I’m still not on the same page,” Nevan said, looking between us and pushing his spectacles up his nose.
Cillian sighed heavily. “I don’t want to marry Niamh. She’s not right for me, for this kingdom. I think the castle brought her here for other reasons.” He widened his eyes meaningfully in my direction.
“I was actually thinking the same thing.” Nevan’s face broke out into a smile as he looked at me. “You’ve been different since Niamh got here. She’s opening you up in ways I haven’t seen since Lor disappeared.”
“Stop. Just stop.” I rubbed my temples, that pounding in my ears rushing forward. They couldn’t seriously think I was equipped to be in a relationship with anybody. I couldn’t even handle my relationships with them. I was too broken, and this was not happening.
Cillian sighed. “She’s in love with you, you idiot.”
The words slammed against me, and I stumbled back. “That can’t be true. I’m not . . .” Lovable. I wasn’t someone any woman, especially not one as amazing as Niamh, would fall for.
“Why can’t it be true?” Cillian asked. “What in the fuck is wrong with you? You have a chance to find love with a brilliant, amazing woman who, for whatever reason, actually has feelings for you.”
“That’s the point,” I burst out. “I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve anyone. I don’t deserve to be happy! I will spend the rest of my life paying for what I did to Lor.”
“You didn’t do anything to him, Wolfe,” Nevan said. “He got killed because of his own foolishness. It was tragic and we miss him every day, but you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You didn’t,” Cillian said. “No one blames you.”
“That’s not true,” I said, voice quiet. “Mother couldn’t even look at me after it happened. Jerome either. Every time I tried to visit, it was like I’d died too.”
Nevan’s eyes filled with tears, and Cillian’s face crumpled.
“They were grieving, and maybe they didn’t handle it in the best way, but you might as well have died.
They’re mourning the loss of two sons because of how you’ve pushed us all away.
They miss you, Wolfe. So much. And we’ve all tried to give you space, we’ve all tried to let you handle it in your own way, but you just keep punishing yourself. ”
“It’s the only way to make the pain go away.” The words came out haltingly.
Tears rolled down Nevan’s cheeks, and he sniffled while Cillian looked at me in horror.
At this point, I wasn’t even sure I knew how else to cope with Lor’s death. Except with Niamh. With Niamh the pain had always lessened, some of her light breaking through all my darkness. “And you’re right, Cillian. I don’t deserve Niamh. I never will, and I won’t subject her to my fucked-up life.”
“I just said that because I was angry. I don’t actually believe it. You’re the best man I know,” Cillian said. “Protective, loyal to a fault. Grumpy as all get out, but . . .”
“I said those words to her tonight to push her away.”
“Like you do with everyone,” Nevan said. “Except you’re not making the pain go away. You’re not fixing anything. You’re numbing it. And one day, all that pain is going to bubble up and explode. It’s not healthy.”
I swallowed back my tears, throat thick with them.
“I’m not ready, and I don’t think I’m the reason Niamh was brought here.
” I gestured around the library. “Look what she’s done with this place, how brilliant it is.
How happy everyone is getting their books.
She brought stories back to us. She brought hope. I think that’s why she’s here.”
Cillian nodded, pity shining in his eyes. “So you’re not going to admit your feelings for her?”
“I can’t,” I said. “I don’t know how to be someone’s lover. I don’t know how to be anything other than this.” I gestured to myself.
Cillian nodded in resignation, and Nevan clapped a hand on his shoulder. I hated the way they were looking at me right now, as if I was a disappointment, as if I’d somehow hurt them all over again.
“I’m glad you’ve realized Niamh isn’t the right person to become queen,” I told Cillian. “She’d much rather spend her days in the library, surrounded by books. She’ll get her key soon, I’m sure of it. But I won’t be part of her happy ending.”
Cillian gave a sharp nod, no longer meeting my eyes.
“I’ll stay up here the rest of the night, out of sight, out of the way, but I’ll be keeping guard.”
“Yeah, that’s what you’re good at,” Cillian said, then turned and walked away.
Nevan opened his mouth to speak but shut it and followed our brother while I returned to my position on the balcony, making sure I avoided Niamh’s gaze the rest of the night.