7. Now
Chapter 7
Now
M ama walks through the front door as the kitchen timer goes off. The second she looks at me, I zero in on the dried tears on her face that she tries to mask behind a smile.
“Hey, Mama.” I extend my hands and pull her into a deep hug, noticing for the first time how frail her frame has become. When did it happen? Why wasn’t I here for it? Here for her …
“Hey, sweetie.” She collapses into me. Separating, she sniffs the air intently. “Is that biscuits and gravy I smell?”
“It sure is. Hoping some good ol’ comfort food will help make your day a little better.”
She smiles and holds my hand. “You always make my day better.”
“I love you, too, Mama.”
“He loves you, too, you know.” She whispers and pulls plates out of the cupboard.
My shoulder blades tighten, and I freeze. Dad. I shake my head. No, he doesn’t.
“I’ll get the parmesan out if you want to call the girls in for dinner.”
“Kate,” she calls.
I lower my head. I hear you. I just know better than to believe in a delusion like that.
Amy and Nana walk in, grab a plate, and fill it with hot, gooey meat and cheesy biscuits.
Gray dots form in front of my eyes, and the room spins. Taking a deep breath in and out, I clear the fuzz. Mama puts her hand on my shoulder, radiating calm energy. I tell her I’m okay, but all I can think about is he loves you, too, you know. And I act like everything’s fine, but I am not okay.
Not even a little bit.
Not at all.
My levee broke last night. I sobbed until my eyes dried out and my muscles convulsed, eventually shifting into a restless state of tossing, turning, thinking, and rethinking.
He loves you, too, you know.
He doesn’t. He never did.
I play those three sentences over and over in my mind until I can think of nothing else.
“I need to write it out,” I mumble to myself.
Hyla lifts her head off the bed long enough to watch me grab my laptop and slip back under the covers.
My fingers feel like lightning typing a blog post that’ll never see the light of day, and when I’m done, I feel like I can breathe for the first time in twenty-four hours.
“What time are we leaving for the Pumpkin Festival, Katie girl?” Nana shouts down the hallway. “I’ve got to change into my new outfit.”
I lay out a pair of dark blue jeans and a maroon, off-the-shoulder sweater. “Soon after Mama and Pop get back.”
Ten minutes later, Mama walks in and collapses on the sofa.
“Went that well, huh?”
She groans. “Just tiring, that’s all.”
“I bet.” I step into my shoes. “Where’s Pop?”
“Staying at the hospital a bit longer.”
Her words set off an alarm bell. Is it serious enough that Pop had to stay so he’s not alone if he … “How’s Dad doing?”
Mama sighs. “He’s … okay. Not his best day but there have been a few like this.”
I sit next to Mama on the couch and notice the dark circles around her eyes, the burden she’s bearing, and how much I’m probably adding to it by coming all this way and not easing her load. Not seeing my dad. Not giving Mama a break. I put my hand on hers and squeeze. “He’ll be all right, Mama.”
“I hope so.” She sniffles and looks away. “In other news, I finished my book.”
I close my eyes in relief. Saved by Steven King. “How was it?”
She pinches her fingers and kisses them. “King never gets old. Anyway, I better get ready to go.” She points to my sweater. “That color looks nice on you.”
“Thanks, Mama.” I smile.
Minutes later, we’re all on our way to Sloane’s Annual Pumpkin Festival. Amy and Nana are walking ahead while Mama asks me about work and the latest Case of the Mondays post .
Amy stops walking a few houses before the church and cocks her head over her shoulder. “Okay, what should I expect here?”
“Oh, I’m sure we’ll be asked at least a dozen times why we didn’t bring our scarecrows and pumpkins,” Mama guesses.
“What for?” Amy asks. “I kind of assumed you buy pumpkins here?”
Mama laughs. “Well, yes, you can buy pumpkins here.”
“And any other pumpkin-flavored thing you can think of,” Nana adds.
“Oh really?” Amy’s eyes light up.
Mama answers, “Yes, but by far, the biggest part of the festival is the weighted pumpkin challenge. The bigger the pumpkin, the bigger the prize. Even though we never enter, Matilda asks me where our pumpkin is every year.”
Amy’s eyes dart toward me. “Do you guys even grow pumpkins?”
“No.” Mama lowers her voice. “Most people search nearby towns for ‘em, but shh, little town secret.”
“It’s a sham?” Amy all but shouts.
Nana covers Amy’s mouth with her right hand. “Talking like that could get you banned.”
Amy sighs, and Nana drops her hand.
We enter the festival right as the band plays “Home Is Where the Heart Is.”
“This is one of my favorite Lady A songs.” Nana spins around.
“Hello, Dailey family.” Matilda waves a map of the church grounds in the air, but before she can approach, someone taps her on the shoulder and steals her attention.
Mama visibly exhales. “Come on, let’s get dessert.”
“Man, you guys weren’t kidding with how serious this is.” Amy takes in the sight of various pumpkin activities across the church lot and in the wide-open field behind the lot. “I get the scarecrow judging contest, but what is pumpkin chucking?”
Mama laughs. “Exactly what it sounds like. The catapults out in the field get a lot of action today.”
“How about the corn maze?” Nana suggests.
Mama and I give her a stern look.
“You know, after pie,” she amends, and we all calm down. My mama always told me dessert is its own food group, and who am I to argue with my mama?
Amy stares at the pie stand in amazement.
I can’t help but indulge in a long inhale, taking in the fresh pumpkin, apples, and pecans permeating the air. “It smells like your kitchen, Mama.”
She winks. “I knew I raised you right.”
“Ugh, the line is long this year,” Nana caws as we get to the end of the pie line.
I nearly salivate at the thought of gooey pumpkin pie. “It’s always worth it, though.”
“Kate Dailey? Is it really you?” I hear from the direction of the pie.
Putting a hand to my forehead, my eyes narrow at the sound. “Oh my God, Jade?” I screech.
“I knew it!” she exclaims, hopping over the pie stand and running toward me, throwing out various “excuse me’s” and “coming through’s” until she reaches me. We simultaneously grab each other’s hands and jump up and down. She stops and studies me. “My mama told me she bumped into you but I can’t believe you’re really here. Girl, look at your hair; it’s red!”
“It’s red,” I echo and move up as the line does.
“It’s short,” she says.
“It is.”
“You look great.” She smiles.
“So do you.” I reach for her long, dark hair. “Did you curl this?”
Jade shrugs. “Well, you know, I had to take out the braids at some point.”
“You didn’t,” I reply. “You’re beautiful no matter how you wear your hair.”
She blows me a kiss. “Thanks, babe.” Then, she pulls Mama and Nana into a group hug while telling them how much she’s missed them.
“You’ve always been a good hugger, Jade-a-licious,” Nana shares before letting go.
“Ame, you look incredible.”
“Right back atcha, smoke show.” My two besties embrace, and a sense of pride swells in me that my old life and new life have integrated in some way, even if it’s just through the trips Jade religiously takes to visit me in New York each summer.
“Where’s Rick?” I look around for Jade’s long-term boyfriend.
“Oh, he um … it didn’t work out.” She shrugs and changes the subject. “Have you seen you-know-who yet?”
“I always forget you’re Jase’s sister,” Amy says.
Jade raises her hands. “Please don’t hold it against me. I got all the brains in the family … and beauty.”
The sound of sweet laughter fills the line for a second before I look at her. “Hey now, Jack’s pretty good-looking, too.”
“True. I bet you haven’t seen him lately?” She wiggles her eyebrows.
I shake my head. “Not since I left, but you know, Insta.”
Jade’s eyes light up, “Speaking of which, it looks like we have a lot to catch up on since the summer.”
My feet shift, but Jade catches it. “Everything okay?”
“Everything’s great.” My voice is a little too high.
Jade’s eyes narrow.
“Next!” the cashier calls, and it’s our turn to place our order.
“I’ll let you go, but text me.” Jade sneaks back under the pie stand to help.
We pay for a pie with whip and pick a table to sit at. We each grab a fork and dig in. “Mhm,” Amy moans. “This is really good.”
“It’s homemade.” I wink.
“Really homemade or another of those we-get-pumpkins-brought-in things?”
I shrug. “Small town secrets.”
Taking another bite of pie, I linger on the creaminess and light taste of cinnamon, savoring the taste and the feeling of being back in my hometown after all this time. A lot has changed, but this pie has remained the same.
My eyes drift to the busy lot. There are a lot of familiar faces bustling around, dressed in bright colors, trying to get to the rides or the corn maze, standing in line for pumpkin pie or pumpkin chucking. The one face I don’t see is Jase. For a festival everyone in town goes to every year without fail, it seems like an event Jase wouldn’t want to miss. At least, it didn’t used to be.
Nana stands, pulling me out of my fog. “All right, girls, where to next?”
“Scarecrow Judging?” Mama offers.
I elbow Amy. “It’s Mama’s favorite part.”
“How could it not be? They’re always creative.” Mama’s face lights up as we get closer.
As if on cue, Matilda shimmies over. “Liz, did I hear you’re heading over to the Scarecrows?”
Mama just blinks.
Matilda’s left eyebrow lifts in a diagonal on her forehead and she smirks in a way that I find slapable. “No entry again this year?”
Mama takes an audible breath in and out but, otherwise, she doesn’t flinch. Never let ‘em see you sweat.
“No, Matilda. With my husband in the hospital, I didn’t happen to find the time to create a scarecrow for the Sloane Pumpkin Festival.”
Matilda’s smile is frozen in place. “Oh, Liz, bless your heart. How is Andy anyhow?”
Mama softens slightly. “He has good days and bad days. Thank you for asking.” Mama grabs ahold of my hand and squeezes. “Well, it was nice chatting with you, but we really should get on about our night.”
“Oh sure,” Matilda says. “I don’t want to hold you up. Perhaps next year, you’ll have a scarecrow, then.”
Mama’s eyes roll all the way back into her head, which she somehow makes effortless as she shoos Matilda.
“Damn, Mama, that was the closest I think you’ve ever come to telling her off.” I pat her on the shoulder. “I’m proud of you.”
She comes to, and her shoulders sink slightly. “I was rude, wasn’t I? Maybe I should apologize.”
“Don’t you dare.” Nana pulls her along, “Matilda is the scum of the Earth, and trust me, what you did wasn’t even close to all she deserves.”
Mama shrugs. “Maybe you’re right.”
Amy leans in and whispers, “Now I see where you get it from.”
Nana rushes to the scarecrows. “Hey, look, someone made Jack and Sally!”
Mama gives a nod of approval and then finds her favorite. “Oh, there’s Moira Rose!”
I turn around and see the hay Mama’s pointing to. Sure enough, it’s in the shape of Catherine O’Hara, looking fresh off The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening. “You’re right. The attention to detail on this one is kind of insane. Even the feathers look real.”
Looking around for Amy, I find her inspecting a set of scarecrows based on The Wizard of Oz . Mama’s moved on to a Shrek lookalike, and Nana’s eyeing the Sanderson sisters. For a second, everything seems right in the world. Almost all my favorite people are at one of my favorite events, enjoying the creativity and artistry of my small town.
My perfect bubble pops when I turn around and finally see him. Jase— at the pie stand, leaning on the post, talking to his sister, and making everyone behind the booth laugh. Looking fine as hell in old, ratty blue jeans with muscles filling out an old T-shirt in all the right places—damn him.
When he turns around, I’m ready to make a run for it, but I can’t look away. Placing my hand on my forehead, I look toward the stand and strain to get a better view. Wait, it isn’t Jase. Jack. His eyes find mine at the same moment I find his.
He smiles and holds his hand up to wave. “Kate?!” he shouts.
Several people within earshot turn around to see what the commotion’s all about. Jack’s long legs carry him in a short stride, and he’s in front of me before I know it. Picking me up, Jack gives me a squeeze. “Kate, Kate, Kate, man, am I excited to see you.”
I smile as he holds me. “Hey, Jacky.”
He puts me down and holds his arms out to me. “Shh,” he whispers. “The girls around here don’t know me as Jacky anymore. I’d like to keep it between us if you don’t mind.”
I laugh. “Of course, the secret’s safe with me.”
“How are you? How’s your daddy?” His blue eyes search mine for an answer.
“I’m doing all right. Think Dad’s okay, too.”
He knows full well how I feel about my father. “How long are you in town for?”
“I … don’t really know yet.”
“Understood.” He looks around covertly. “Hey, have you run into my super obnoxious, less good-looking brother around here?”
I can’t help giving him a once-over. It may have been six years since I’ve seen Jack, but it looks like time’s been good to him. The once lanky kid has filled out into a built twenty-five-year-old.
Catching me in the act, he tips his ball cap. “Gonna guess no, then?”
“Not today.” I shake my head. “Though I haven’t been as fortunate earlier in the week.”
He smirks. “Same here. He’s having me help at Firefly, which is why you see me like this instead of in my sweeping-women-off-their-feet clothes.”
“Is that so?”
“Sure is.” His voice dips low, seductively.
“Jack Cole! What has gotten into you?” I flick his arm.
He laughs and takes a slow step backward. “You’re right, you’re right. Jase would be mad if he knew I was hitting on his girl, anyways.”
I hold a warning finger out, and my voice feels an octave higher than normal when I say, “I am not his girl.” Anymore.
“Hey, hey now, I come in peace.” Jack holds up two fingers, forming a peace sign.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought, Mr. Peace Corp.”
“So, you’ve been keeping up with me?” His eyebrows raise, but my head tilts, causing him to stop. “Listen, I’d hate to keep you away from your family any longer than I have, but it was good to see you. Hopefully, I’ll see you around before you head back up north.” Jack leans in and gives me a kiss on my right cheek.
I close my eyes. Wrong brother.
Jack backs away but throws up his hand to Mama and Nana. “Hi, Liz, Maggie.”
“Hey, Jack!” Mama shouts back.
Nana waves.
Amy waits for Jack to disappear before she heads over. “I thought you were talking to Jase for a minute and was this close to coming over, but then Mags stopped me. Soooo, he’s the hot brother?”
I catch Amy’s head tilt as she watches him walk away and roll my eyes. “Yes, he’s the hot brother. Jack.” Amy’s mind works a mile a minute, and I can see the gears turning. “And yep, it would be weird for you to go after him.”
She sighs. “Okay, okay. He’s cute, is all I’m saying.”
“Yeah.” I exhale. “He’s cute.”
“See? You’re still wrapped up with the other brother. Why can’t I have this one?” She pouts.
“I’m not still wrapped up with Jase. Besides, aren’t you into Leo?”
“We are not discussing Mr. Steal-My-Job. But hey, isn’t that Jase?” Amy points to the pie stand.
My eyes betray me as they glance toward the pie stand—and then droop when I realize he’s not there …
“Mhm, you’re totally over him.”
Totally. Over. Him … but where is he?
I stretch my arms out. “Hey, you know what, y’all? I think I’m going to head home. I forgot how overwhelming a night in Sloane can be.”
Mama pulls me into her grasp, holding me and touching her head to mine. “Are you okay?”
“Miserable as usual, thanks for asking.”
She kisses the top of my head. “Want me to come with you?” Her voice is raspy.
“Or me?” Amy counters.
“Hell, we can all go home,” Nana offers.
I put up my left hand. “No. Thank you, though. I could use some alone time until Pop comes home and beats me at Rummy.”
“Hey now, that’s my job,” Nana interjects.
“Kate,” Amy objects.
Mama puts her arm out to stop Amy.
“No, really, I’m fine,” I say, but I don’t even convince myself.
Mama tilts her head, her gaze studying me.
“I’ll be fine,” I amend.
She pats my hand. “There’s my girl. There’s Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer.”
Bless her.
Mama ushers Amy and Nana to the start of the maze as I back away. I don’t remember the walk home. I don’t know if I see anyone or if I run into anything. I don’t know if the sun has set or if it’s cold outside. All I know is I need to get home, snuggle with Hyla, and decompress more than I need anything else right now. The relief is real when I walk in the front door and call out for Hyla. Her collar jingles as she runs over. “Hey, baby girl.”
Hyla makes her way onto my lap and snuggles into my arms. A forty-five-pound mutt shouldn’t be a lapdog, not logically, anyway. I know it. She does too. But somehow, she always knows exactly what I need, and sometimes I need to have my dog as close to me as possible. For all that’s wrong in the world, Hyla helps me keep it (mostly) together.
“What do you say, girl? Ice cream in bed?”
Hyla leans her head back and gives me a big lick across my cheek.
“All right, let’s go.” I stand and grab a treat for Hyla and a pint of Half-Baked from the freezer. “Oh, Mama, you knew,” I murmur to myself. Mamas always do.
We settle into bed, pint in hand, Friends on TV, when my phone lights up with an incoming call. Expecting it to be Mama checking in on me, I answer. “Hey, I mean it. I’m okay.”
“Everything alright?” the deep voice on the other end of the phone asks, concerned.
“What? Who is—Nick?”
“Yes,” he answers. “Sorry, I knew I should have waited for you to text back. I thought maybe you were mad, so I waited a few days to reach out. I knew I shouldn’t have followed that dumb rule.”
I put the rest of the Half-Baked carton on the nightstand and sit up straighter, “Hey, Nick?”
“Yes?” He pauses.
“Let’s start over.”
He sighs. “I would like that. Hi, Kate, it’s Nick Scott.”
“Hey, Nick. It’s nice to hear from you. I had a great time the other night,” I say, unable to hide my smile, even though there’s still a deep ache in my soul.
“Me, too.” His laugh is sweet through the phone. “I’d love to do it again if you’re interested?”
Touching my right thumb to my lip, I can feel my cheeks warming.
“Kate?”
“I would like to, too,” I say. “But there’s something I should tell you.”
“Oh no, the ‘but’ doesn’t sound good.”
I take a deep breath and spit it out. “I’d like to go out again, but I’m not in town right now.”
He exhales audibly. “Oh! Okay. When do you come back?”
“I—It could be up to a month.” The second the words woosh out of me, I feel their impact. It could be up to a month before I’m back to my normal life. And if something happens with my dad, it could be longer. The thought almost drowns me. “I’m sorry,” I say to Nick. “That’s not fair. It’s true, but it’s not fair. I don’t expect you to wait for me. I’m sure there are plenty of girls you could go out with, girls you should go out with instead.”
“Maybe,” Nick says, and I wince. He continues, “But I want to go out with you.”
The tears well before I know they’re there. “But you don’t know me, not really.”
“Sure, but I want to get to know you. I’m happy to wait until you’re back in town.”
“Really?” I can hear the hopefulness in my own voice.
“I mean, we’re not talking years down the road, right?”
I laugh. “I hope not.”
“I hope not, too. So, what brings you out of town, anyway? A crazy mission for Lucy?”
I shake my head, even though he can’t see me. “I wish. No, I’m … visiting family.”
“Down south, right? You’re from …” He snaps his fingers. “Outside of Nashville?”
“Yes. I’m surprised you remember.”
“I remember that accent of yours came out when talking about your Mama’s cooking.”
“You’re right,” I say. My accent is probably strong on nights like tonight when I’m back in my childhood room at my mama’s house.
“So, tell me, Kate Dailey, what do the stars look like there tonight?”
“Hmm, the stars, you say,” I repeat as I hop out of my bed and head toward the window seat. “Well, it’s a clear night here, so there are too many to count. They’re brilliant, bright white and a tinge of yellow by the moon.”
“Mhm. It’s the one thing I’d change about the city if I could. My parents moved to New Jersey a few years ago, and I can see the stars from their back porch, but not here …”
“I know what you mean. Turns out I really missed the stars and fireflies,” I say wistfully. I missed them more than I’d like to admit.
“I always forget lightning bugs are around when I’m home.”
“What? What do you mean, you ‘kind of forget’ they’re around?’”
“I don’t know. I think I chased them once, maybe. I was an adult by the time I was able to. My sister was far more interested in it than I was … which come to think of it, could be what influenced her biology career.”
“Could be. I love seeing them light up in a jar. I’ve always thought it’s breathtaking.” I yawn and lean my head against the wall behind me.
“I did like seeing them light up.” He yawns back. “Now see what you started.”
“Well, good, if you didn’t yawn, you’d be a psychopath, and you’d need to lose this number.”
Chuckling, he concedes. “I believe I heard that somewhere, too. Glad to know you’re not a psychopath either. On that note, we should probably call it a night.”
I sigh. “Maybe you’re right. This is nice.”
“It is. Can I call you again tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow?” I ponder, waiting for any knee-jerk reaction to run. But it doesn’t come. “I’d like that.”
“Goodnight, Kate.”
“Goodnight, Nick.”
His voice is the last thing I hear before I fade off to sleep with a promise of tomorrow and a smile that stays through the night.