8. Then Thirteen Years Ago
Chapter 8
Then: Thirteen Years Ago
A big, yellow bus parks at Sloane Middle School. The doors swing open, and Jase jumps on board in his blue jeans and Pokémon tee. He looks over his shoulder at me. “Where are you thinking?”
“Third to last row,” I reply.
Jase takes a pack of fruit snacks out of his backpack as we slide in. “Want some?”
“Sure.” I unzip my backpack to take out my iPod and headphones. “Who do you want to listen to today?”
His eyes crinkle, and we both laugh. “Taylor,” we say together.
I put on “Our Song,” extend an earbud to Jase, and lean back in the seat. He places his right hand on his lap, and I intertwine my fingers with his. This, right here, is my favorite part of every day. Just Taylor, Jase, and I.
“Eww, get a room.” Jack throws his backpack onto the seat in front of us.
Jase sticks his tongue out.
“Hey, Jacky.” I take my earbud out and extend it to him. “Want to listen?”
He shakes his head. “No thanks, I know what you guys listen to: love stuff .”
I close my eyes, expecting Jase to deny it, but he doesn’t. Instead, he looks his big brother right in the eyes. “What of it?”
“Nothing.” Jack plops down and pulls a book out of his bag.
I plug my earbud back in, and Jase squeezes my hand. I don’t mind listening to love stuff. Not at all.
The bus turns onto our block before I’m ready. The sky has shifted into a deep navy, and the leaves turn inside out one by one. The wind picks up when we follow Jack off the bus. He runs ahead to the house as Jade’s bus pulls up from the high school. She flies off, waves, and runs inside. Tonight feels like it’s gonna be one of those nights. The kind that feels lonely beyond belief. The kind I’d rather live without.
Jase stays with me. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”
“You don’t know that.” I choke back tears.
“I’m right next door.”
“Andy! Andy, don’t you dare go out the door!” Mama screams at Daddy, begging him to stay in the house.
His chestnut eyes darken, and his jaw stiffens in defiance. “Too fucking late!” he bellows, slamming the front door.
Jase and I shift to the side of the house by the kitchen, hiding from Daddy and trying to get to Mama. I open the door, and Mama falls onto the tile floor, weeping.
When she sees me hiding in the shadow of the door, she straightens, wipes her eyes with the sleeve of her favorite cardigan, and reaches out to me. “Come here, sweetie.”
I run for her arms and cry as soon as I reach them.
“It’s okay. Let it out.” While she stands there holding me, letting me full-on sob, she stays there, stoic as an ox, shouldering the pain, the burden, the fear—all of it.
Mama urges Jase to go home as Daddy’s truck starts in the drive. She closes her eyes tightly, while mine go wide in panic.
“Mama, we can’t let him drive.”
She shakes her head. “I tried, baby. I tried to keep him here.”
“Mama, we have to go get him. We need to stop him.” I squirm out of her arms.
“Kate, no!” she calls after me.
I shove the door open and run down the driveway. I lock eyes with Daddy through the dashboard window and scream incoherently … but it doesn’t matter. His Cheshire smile haunts me as he pulls his truck into reverse.
I sprint back to Mama. We should have done more. We should have stopped him from driving. We should have done something. It takes me a while to realize she’s plugged one ear to hear the other end of the phone over me.
She hangs up and sighs. “Nana and Pop are on their way. Nana will stay with you, and Pop and I will go look for your daddy.”
“I want to go, Mama.”
She holds up her hand. Not going to happen.
“Can I try calling him? Maybe I can talk him into pulling over, and we can go get him.” I plead with her.
She shakes her head. “It’s not safe, sweetie. Nana and Pop will be here soon.”
“Nashville’s thirty minutes away. He could hurt somebody,” I cry.
Her head hangs low. “Enough, okay? I’m not happy he’s out there, either, but I am going to do everything in my power to bring him back safely. Right now, I need you to understand there are things you don’t know. Let me handle this, okay?”
“Okay.” I put my hands on hers. She puts her other hand on top of mine, and we sit there in the kitchen in complete silence. Mama taps her left foot, slow at first, then quicker. It’s causing a vibration on the tile floor, but I let it be, let her be. I lose track of how long we’re at the table before the front door swings open. I nearly jump out of my skin thinking Daddy’s back home—but it’s not him.
Nana dashes into the house. “Kate, Liz, where are you?”
Letting go of Mama’s hands, I stand and walk into the living room. “Over here, Nana.”
“Oh, Katie girl.” She pulls me into a big bear hug.
Pop comes in shortly after, more ‘business’ than I’d ever seen him. He’s always been the person I could count on the most to make me laugh, but he’s not laughing now. None of us are.
“Hey, sweetie.” Pop pats my head before stepping in front of Mama. With a hand on either shoulder, he eyes her. “Are you ready?”
Mama crouches down to talk to me. “Be good for your nana. We’ll be back soon, okay?”
I sniffle.
The front door closes like a gust of wind came through. Nana and I peek out the side window in time to see Mama and Pop head off in Pop’s blue pickup truck, Old Blue.
“Are they going to be okay?”
She pulls me in for a side hold. “They’re all gonna be fine, sweetie.”
“Promise?” I hold out my pinkie. I know a pinkie promise doesn’t mean everything’s okay or things will be okay forever, but somehow, when Nana clips her finger in mine and gives it a kiss, I cling to the hope it gives me.
“So …” Nana pastes a smile on her face. “What do you want to do tonight?”
I glance toward the window. I want to help find Daddy.
Nana tugs my arm and leads me to the living room. “Let me rephrase: what do you want to do to take our minds off this?”
I shrug. “I have a deck of cards in my room?”
“Sure. Why don’t you get the deck, and I can teach you how to play Rummy?” She wiggles her eyebrows.
I take the stairs two at a time, excited to spend time with Nana and anxious to know if they’ve found Daddy yet. The second I flip the light switch I see a pebble hit my window. Jase. I open the window.
“What took you so long?” He wraps himself around the tree as he climbs up.
“Had to deal with some stuff.”
“I heard,” he says solemnly. “Move over. I’m coming in.”
“I don’t know, Jase.”
“About what?” He sits on the branch by my room.
“My nana’s over. We’re going to play cards.” I hold up the deck. “And I don’t think she’d like you crawling in the window or me going out to play tonight.”
He hangs his head. “I watched him leave …. are you okay?”
“I don’t know.” I shake my head and try not to cry.
“Kay, let me in. Please.”
I step aside. He pulls me into his arms in no time, holding me and rubbing my back, telling me it’s okay to cry. I shake my head. Never let ‘em see you cry. I glance at my bedroom door. “Thank you for coming over, but you really should go. I need to go downstairs.”
“I’d like to stay. Please, Kay. You can play with your nana, and I’ll sit here quiet as a church mouse until you come back.”
I want him to stay, but I don’t want Nana to know he’s here and give my grandparents and Mama something more to worry about. They have enough going on right now. Jase’s hands are folded into a prayer, and ugh, he’s right. I need him.
“Okay,” I whisper. “But you have to be quiet.”
He holds up three fingers. “Scout’s honor.”
“You’re not a scout.”
“Still mean it.” He settles on the floor.
I crack the door and bump into Nana. “Oof,” I exclaim.
“Everything okay up here?” She cranes her neck around me.
I stretch. “Great! Got the cards; we can go downstairs and play.”
Nana’s face has yeah, right, written all over it. “Where are these cards?”
“Um,” I look at both hands. “Oops, must have put them down after all. I’ll be right down. Meet you there, Nan.”
She rolls her eyes and turns around to go down the stairs. “Tell Jason he’s welcome to play, too.”
“Uh, what? Jase isn’t—Jase isn’t here, Nana.” I stumble around my words, knowing full well how unbelievable it sounds.
“Lying gets better with age,” Nana quips on her way down the banister.
Sneaking back into my room and leaning against the closed door, I mumble, “How did she know?”
“Know what?” Jase stands.
“She knows you’re here.” I narrow my eyes.
He puts his hands up in surrender. “Hey, don’t be mad at me. You’re the one who lied. We all know you’re a terrible liar.”
“Am not,” I argue.
“Kay,” he states plainly.
“Okay, fine, what do you want from me? I didn’t get the lying gene.”
He takes my hand and urges my chin upward with his pointer finger. “Hey, look at me.”
I stare into his sea-green eyes as he stares into mine.
“It’s a good thing you’re a bad liar.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” He moves a piece of hair out of my face. “It means you, Kay Dailey, have a good heart.”
It skips a beat as he moves his face closer to mine. I shift my gaze from his eyes to his lips.
Right as we close our eyes, Nana calls up the stairs. “You guys coming? I’m gonna put in a delivery order for burgers and fries while we play.
The moment fades as quickly as it began. I pick up the cards from my nightstand. “Guess we should get down there.”
Jase puts his hand on my cheek and whispers, “To be continued.”
My breathing slows as I think about his comment on the way down the stairs, through Nana explaining the game, and after several rounds of Rummy. To be continued. My mind continues to wander until a few hours go by, and the door opens unexpectedly.
Mama comes in staggering. “Mama?”
She extends her arms, and I run into them. She squeezes me tight.
A few minutes later, Pop comes in the front door, two sets of car keys in hand.
They found him.
“Pop!” I run into his arms. “Where’s Daddy?”
“Shh,” he mouths to me. “Let’s let him sleep a bit.”
I look around Pop for him, but he blocks the doorway.
“Speaking of sleep—shouldn’t you be in bed by now?”
Mama points to the stairs. “She absolutely should.”
Nana comes to my rescue. “We were playing Rummy—my idea.”
“I see,” Mama says, right as Pop says, “Of course it was.”
“Jase, you should probably head home before your parents have my head for you being out late, weekend or not,” Mama says.
“Yes, ma’am. Kate, can I see you tomorrow?”
“Mama?”
She yawns. “I’m sure you can.”
“Okay. Goodnight, everyone.” He waves on his way out the door.
“Kate,” Mama says, “bed, please.”
I nod and climb the stairs two at a time. After throwing myself in bed, I pull the covers up past my face and listen intently for any sign of Mama. When her footsteps patter down the hall, I fling the comforter off the bed and tiptoe to her room.
The sobs are so foreign, I almost think it’s the TV. I sit in the hallway and hold my knees while Mama’s heart aches. I want to knock on the door and crawl into her bed more than anything in the world. But Mama wouldn’t want that. She wouldn’t want me to know she’s breaking down.
I lean my head against the door as Pop comes upstairs.
He waves his hand to call me over.
I avoid each of the creaky spots on the hardwood floor on my way to Pop.
“Come on, girl,” he urges. “Let’s get you to bed, for real this time.”
“Yes, sir.” I sulk back to my bedroom. “What happened? Where’s Daddy?”
Pop tucks me in and kisses my forehead. “You shouldn’t have to worry about all of this. It’s adult stuff. You should focus on being a kid, learning how to play Rummy, playing with your friends.”
“I do worry about it, though. His actions affect all of us, especially Mama,” I cry.
“I know.” He sighs. “Everything’s okay for now, right in this moment. Your mama’s having a tough night, but she’ll be okay, and your daddy will be okay.” His eyebrow lifts in waiting.
“I love you, Pop.”
“I love you. Get some sleep.”
In the morning, it’s like nothing ever happened. Mama, Nana, Pop, and Daddy are all in the kitchen, eating waffles and drinking coffee.
Did I imagine the whole night?
I run to hug Daddy, and he clings to me like he’s excited to see me. He smells like his cucumber body wash, and he’s dressed in a new pair of jeans and a polo shirt. He pours a glass of orange juice and directs me to take a seat.
My eyebrows smoosh together. Was it all a dream? In scanning the room, my gaze lands on Pop’s.
He puts a finger to his lips.
Maybe it did happen.
There’s a light knocking on the kitchen door.
Jase.
Mama waves him in.
“Good morning.” Jase surveys the room. He remembers it too.
My dad stands and shakes Jase’s eleven-year-old hand. ”Good morning, Jason.”
“Mr. Dailey,” he replies. “How are you feeling this morning?”
Mama, Nana, and Pop’s faces each drop as they look at Jase, but Daddy doesn’t notice.
Instead, he looks him straight in the eyes and shrugs. “Miserable as usual, thanks for asking.”
“Great!” Jase’s voice is a little too high. “Is Kay able to come out and play with us?” He cocks his thumb over his shoulder at Jade and Jack waving in our shared side yard.
“Sure,” Mama says.
“Why doesn’t she meet you out there after she finishes her waffles?” Daddy adds.
“Okay.” Jase walks to the kitchen door.
I shove the waffles in my mouth while everyone’s deep in a conversation about Matilda’s latest musings. Putting my dish in the sink, I give a brief hug to each adult and run out the kitchen door. As I step foot outside, Jase pulls me into Mama’s burgundy hydrangea bush.
“What the!” I scream.
“Shh.” Jase places his hand over my mouth.
I slap away Jase’s hand and turn around to face him. “What the hell?”
“Yeah, exactly. What happened?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know? What happened last night and this morning?”
I lift my arms. “Jase, I really don’t know. Mama cried herself to sleep. Pop tucked me in, and I went to bed. I woke up to whatever that was.” I gesture to the kitchen.
“Your daddy slept in Old Blue last night.” Jase points to Pop’s truck in the driveway.
“Wh … what?”
“I was up early. I was walking to your window when he snored. I got scared he was gonna wake up.”
I trot to the Old Blue before Jase finishes his thought.
He chases after me. “Where are you going?” Jase puts his hand on my left shoulder as I reach the truck.
“I have to know,” I stammer.
“You don’t,” he replies. “You’re a kid. Come on, let’s go play.”
Looking down the way, I can see Jade and Jack running around, but I shake my head. I have to know the truth. I rip open the driver’s side door, which creaks with every inch it opens. Empty beer cans come crashing out.
“Oh my God!” I shriek, losing my balance. “Is this all from after Pop picked him up?”
Jase takes a step toward me and pulls me back into a hug.
“I can’t believe this … what was he thinking? He’s in the kitchen eating waffles and smiling … and they’re humoring him?”
Jase stays silent.
“Seriously, what the fuck?” I scream, the f-word feeling strange on my lips. There’s a first time for everything and a time like this calls for it.
“Woah,” Jade calls from her front yard. “What’s going on over there?”
I spin around to Jase and lower my voice. “Do they know?”
He snaps his head toward his siblings. “No.”
“Nothing!” I shout back at Jade.
Her lifted eyebrow says she doesn’t believe me, but I don’t care. There are bigger things I need to figure out. If the adults are in the kitchen acting like last night didn’t happen, what kind of hope do I have to prevent it from happening again?
“This is bullshit,” I mumble, just loud enough for Jase.
“Come on, sailor, let’s get you out of here.” He takes hold of my hand and pulls me toward his siblings.
I tug the sleeve of his sweatshirt twice. “Wait, Jase, I can’t. I don’t want to talk to anybody.”
His eyes twinkle. “I know.”
We speed by Jade and Jack, picking up the pace into a full-blown run.
“Where are you going?!” Jack yells after us.
“Don’t worry about it,” Jase calls back. We run into the woodlot behind our houses, feet crunching on the leaves under our feet. Jase’s focus is straight ahead, but I’m watching the ground, trying not to step on any animals and especially trying to avoid any snakes.
“Slow down a little,” I say.
“Keep up. We’re close now.” Jase looks back at me with a sly smile.
“Close to what ?” I drop my hands on my hips and plant my feet firmly in the mud.
“You’ll see,” Jase sings.
“Jason Everett Cole! Where are we going?” I retort choppier than intended.
He sighs but marches over, mud splattering with each step. He grabs my hands in his. “Trust me.”
I toss the thought over in my mind for a few seconds, eventually nodding. Okay.
Jase lifts his pinkie up to mine. “I promise it’s nothing bad.”
I link my pinkie with his and agree to keep moving. Not long after, streams of sunlight emerge from behind the trees.
“We’re here.” Jase beams as we stop at a secret oasis.
My eyes take in the wide, open field in front of us; ankle-high grass sways in the slight breeze. There’s a beautiful cerulean lake with calm, relaxing water. The sunlight glistens on top of it like it never wants to leave. Tall, shady trees on one side lead my gaze to an old wooden dock with rusty planks that barely look safe to walk on and two oversized rocks at the edge for steps.
“What is all this?” How can a place like this be so close to home?
“Right? Isn’t it amazing?” Jase’s green eyes shine.
“How did you find this? How come there’s no one else around? This can’t exist in the middle of nowhere.”
He shrugs. “I went exploring the other night. I haven’t seen anyone ... but it’s real.”
I arch my hand firmly on my hip. “How do you know?”
Jase outstretches his right arm. “For one, I see it.”
“People see mirages all the time.”
“In the desert,” Jase exclaims. “But you see this, too.”
“Yeah, I see it, too, but you and I are the only ones who remember what happened last night. Maybe we’re in this dream or something, where everything seems real but it’s not.”
His laugh is sharp. “And two, I’ve been swimming in the lake.”
“What do you mean you’ve been swimming in the lake?”
He takes off his shirt in one quick maneuver. “I mean, I’ve been in it. Swimming.” Jase wiggles his hips as he walks near the water. “Are you coming or what?”
“Or what.” I sit on the cold grass. “There is no way I am swimming in an unknown body of water.”
“Suit yourself.” He steps foot on the dock, avoiding a brief hole between planks, and reaches up blindly.
I shift my head to the right to see what he’s doing.
“If you’re curious, why don’t you come over here?” He reaches up, and something whips down like a snake.
I scream.
Jase drops it for a second and walks to me. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s a rope.”
I exhale and take his hand to pull myself up on the dock.
He picks the rope back up, places my hands on it, and his hands on mine. “Hold on, okay?”
“Okay.” I gulp.
“You’ll be fine,” he whispers, his breath hot on my neck. “Let go when I tell you to.”
I close my eyes, trying to remember to breathe. I let Jase pull us back and run when he tells me to.
“Let go, Kay.”
I do as he says, and we both go flying in the air before crashing into the water, me in my sundress and cardigan, him in his basketball shorts. The crisp water hits cooler than I thought it would, but it’s somehow refreshing and not as unwelcome as I imagined.
“Woo!” Jase screams, adrenaline high. He swims over to me. “So, what do you think?”
I laugh. “Okay, that was fun.”
“I told you. Come on, let’s do it again.”
My heart skips a beat as I follow him out of the water. Jase makes me feel safe and wild and free and … completely me. I feel more at home with him than I have in a long time. Maybe ever.