26. Now
Chapter 26
Now
“W hat did he say?” Jase spins a small rock in his hand.
I toss my pebble into the lake, watching it skip five times before it disappears. I click my tongue. “He said he feels like a monster, and he doesn’t remember any of it.”
“Do you believe him?” Jase flicks his wrist, letting the rock go wild. Seven skips.
“Nice.” I admire the ripples his pebble causes in the water. “I don’t know. Kind of. It was weird seeing him sober. When my mama said he hadn’t been drinking, it was kind of like sure, he’s in the hospital, but seeing him leading a meeting …”
Jase gives me space to process my thoughts.
“It was weird. It made me angry. I don’t know. He never cared to get sober for me or Mama. Your dad passed, and Pop thought it would be a wake-up call about how precious life can be. Instead, he spiraled. I left, and he never called. I’ve spent all these years feeling unworthy of love. I’ve been angry. Hurt .”
“Kay.” Jase steps forward. He takes my hand and lifts my chin with his other hand. “Listen to me. You are worthy of love. You are worthy, and you are loved. Okay?”
I lower my head.
“Your dad was drunk the entire time you lived at home. It’s going to take some time to adjust. It’s okay to doubt him and distrust him. It doesn’t happen overnight.”
“I don’t forgive him,” I mumble.
“You don’t have to.” He takes off his jacket, wraps it around my shoulders, and we sit on the cold ground, Jase’s jacket and arms around me.
As we sit together in our spot, I’m reminded of how nice it is to be here with him. When I’m going through it, and when I’m not.
I can’t give up what I’ve built in New York. I’ve worked too hard to build my life, my career, and he can’t come with me. He built his life here, and even though this moment isn’t enough, it needs to be. I squeeze him tighter, and when he puts his head on mine, I know he knows.
Clink.
Hyla stretches, then sits with her tail wagging, waiting for Jase to pop in.
He doesn’t disappoint. As soon as I open the window, he hands me a coffee carrier with two cups and a dog bone secured, before tossing his legs in.
Straightening, he leans in for a quick kiss before bending to greet Hyla. “Good morning, baby dog.”
In a short time, Hyla has gotten used to a certain kind of life—a spoiled one.
“How’s my girl?” Jase smiles up at me, hands still scratching behind Hy’s ears.
I take a long sip of my vanilla latte. “Mmm, much better now. How’d you even climb up here with a coffee carrier?”
“Branches are my friends.” His attention shifts to my bed, bag wide open, clothes thrown about. “What’s going on?”
I smile. “Oh, you know, packing.”
“So soon?” Jase tries to mask his disappointment by drinking some of his coffee.
I’d bet money it’s black. I avert his gaze and answer casually. “Kind of one too many Daileys in this house now.”
“You could stay with me,” Jase blurts out. He blinks like the offer even surprised him.
“Very sweet offer, but I need to head back home.”
“New York isn’t home, Kay, and you know it. It doesn’t make you feel like Sloane does. I know it. I can feel it.” He puts his coffee down on my desk and steps closer.
I take a slight step backward. “Jase.”
“Kay, please stay.”
“I can’t. You know I can’t. My whole life is in New York.” I turn away, but he takes hold of my hand.
“But I’m here.” The crack in his voice almost breaks me.
“Jase, I …”
The knock on the door jolts me out of this moment. “Kate, we should hit the road so—Oh, hey, Jase.”
“Ame, can you give us a few minutes?”
“Yes, of course. I’ll meet you downstairs.” She steps out.
I turn around, but he’s already gone, and it’s like a dumbbell set was placed on my chest. “Bye, Jase,” I whisper into the silence and blink the tears away.
Hyla’s tail falls.
Me too, girl. Me too.
As Amy and I pack up the car a few minutes later, Mama preps sandwiches for the road.
Nana and Pop hug us goodbye, and Dad waves by the door, letting me tell him what I’m ready for.
I wave back and hug Mama.
“Ooh, I love you, sweetie,” Mama coos in my ear.
“I love you, too, Mama.” I squeeze, and she does too.
“Don’t let it be six years before you come back, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Drive safely,” she calls.
We hop in the car, and this time, when we pull out of the driveway, a gray, cloudy smoke clears from my lungs, and the thought of coming back doesn’t feel as strange … leaving does. My heart starts to crack the further we get out of Sloane, and by the time we get back to New York, I’m left with pieces. I miss him. I miss them.
But this is my life. This is the life I’ve chosen for myself. I love my life.
I loved my life.
Then.
Before I went down there and messed with everything I’d built over the last six years.
The first week back is a blur of Starbucks lines and meetings, catching up and making small talk, avoiding Lucy, watching Amy and Leo flirt shamelessly and get awfully close to becoming something, just like Nick and Barista Betty at what’s now their Starbucks. It’s like the days pass around me, and I’m stuck.
I think about him … and them. I want to reach out, but I know it’ll make the transition back to my real life harder. Instead, I put on stockings (update: they’re still evil) and heels, and I paste a smile on my face in every approval meeting. I review Amy’s Reese cover story and sigh at how perfect it is because, of course, she absolutely killed it. I volunteer for more articles than normal for the February issue. Throwing myself into my work got me through the pain the first time; I can do it again.
Twisting my key in my apartment door, Hyla’s collar jingles as she rushes to greet me. I give her pets and know she will help me through this. Hyla and therapy. I open my laptop and log into Zoom, ready for my first session with Gina, who comes highly recommended by Amy’s therapist. As we talk, I find myself nodding along and adding in small pleasantries but not sharing a single thought deeper than I would share with strangers on my blog.
By the time the session is over, Hyla’s retreated to the bedroom, ready for Friends re-runs and a treat as I dig into another pint of Half-Baked. Two pints haven’t helped, but I have a good feeling about the third one. My phone buzzes right as I put on “The One with Unagi,” and my heart skips a beat as I check hopefully. It’s not him. It’s never him.
“Ugh.” I flip back the covers and bring the pint back to the freezer, dropping the spoon in the sink. Sighing, I steady myself on the counters and take a few deep breaths. Catching a glimpse of the cabinets out of the corner of my eye takes me back to my dream cabinets, in my dream kitchen, of my dream house, with my dream guy.
It brings me to my knees.
He’s not here. He hasn’t called. I let him walk away. I ran back to New York without him. I let him go again , and he left again . The tears come before I can stop them. They flood my face until I fall asleep on the kitchen floor for the second time in a month. This time, the exhaustion holds me through until the harsh morning light.
My phone vibrates on the tile floor. “Hey, Ame.”
“Hey. I’m gonna be there in a sec. Can you buzz me in?”
I sigh, staring down at the ice cream stain on the front of the work shirt I wore yesterday that I never changed out of. “Where’s your key?”
“Buried. Be there in five.”
Wetting the bottom of my shirt, I try dabbing and rubbing the stain out, but it doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere. Giving up, I push the button to let Amy in.
The knock on my door makes me jump. She hasn’t knocked in … ever. “It’s open!”
She knocks again. What the hell?
I open the door as I say, “What’s gotten into—oh. Hi.”
“Hi,” Jase says breathlessly. He’s standing there in front of me, eyes wilder than I’ve ever seen them.
“What are you doing here?” I check behind him for Amy.
“She’s not coming, Kay.”
“What?”
“Amy called for me.”
Hyla rushes to him, her tail wagging more than it has since we left Sloane.
I blink furiously, willing the sleepiness out of my eyes. “What’re you doing here?”
“I lost you once. I’m not going to do it again.”
I shake my head, trying to wake up if this really is a dream. I can’t keep torturing myself with thoughts of Jase in New York.
Jase steps forward into the apartment. It feels a lot smaller with his big frame standing inside. He sets a corsage down on my counter.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m here to bring you home.”
“Jase—”
He holds his hand up to stop me. “If you don’t want to move back full time, I get it, and I won’t push you, but then I’m either moving here or we’re doing long distance. I can’t do life without you. I refuse.”
I put my hands on my hips. “You refuse? What if I say no?”
He swallows. “Then will you at least be my date to the SCAA fundraiser this weekend?”
I gesture to the corsage. “I’ll do anything for nice flowers.”
“I should’ve brought more with me.”
I roll my eyes.
He puts his hands on either side of my face. “If your life is here, I’ll come here.”
Placing my hands over his hands, I squeeze.
“I love you, Kay. I’ve always loved you. Even after six years, it didn’t go away. It just grew stronger.”
“Yes.” I interrupt.
“Yes, what?” He leans closer to me.
“Yes, I’ll at least go to the SCAA fundraiser with you.”
He barely lets me get the words out before he leans his head down. “And then?”
“And then, we’ll see.” As his lips close over mine, I know this is exactly where I’m supposed to be: safe and with Jase.