Chapter 8
Astrid
All I can smell is the amalgamation of coffee and tuna on her breath. How am I supposed to relax and share my deepest thoughts with her when the stench hits my nostrils like a tsunami every time she opens her mouth? She might as well have a cartoon odor cloud traipsing after her with every word.
After yesterday’s fiasco, Theo and I had quite possibly the world’s most awkward car journey home. I don’t know what came over me with cake-gate, it’s like all the anger and resentment had been slowly simmering under the surface and Theo had managed to turn the dial to full-heat. Still, I didn’t have myself down as someone who started regular food fights, but it just felt warranted in that moment. Plus, I did have to bite the inside of my cheeks to stop myself from absolutely howling with laughter when I saw Margaret getting taken out by a slice of sponge. It wasn’t even meant for her, but it felt like the perfect karma. Either way, I guess she was somewhat right when she said that we couldn’t continue like this. Arguing had become such second nature to us, we both had permanent purple rings shadowing underneath our eyes, not from lack of sleep, but just from the pure exhaustion of being at each other’s throats on the daily. In honesty, I didn’t know what I wanted. The Astrid of 2 years ago would have fought to the ends of the earth to make things work, even if that meant sacrificing her own wellbeing and happiness first, stripping herself piece by piece until she’d given him everything she could. I would have given Theo the literal shirt off my back if he said the word. But that was the thing, it never came to that, because life with Theo was simpler back then, easy. I didn’t have to strip myself of anything because he always ensured he built me up. We gave and took, we were equals, partners . But now, it was becoming abundantly clear that we had no other choice. It was the last resort if we had any hope of saving this ship from becoming a wreck. The last stop before giving up the ghost entirely. I know Margaret had said it in gest during her angry speech, and we knew that the old us would have cried with laughter if anyone had even muttered the words because it seemed that ridiculous and unnecessary, but we came to an agreement that night that it had to be done.
So now we were here. Sat in a mahogany office, the walls plastered with various Psychiatrist degrees and awards from prestigious Universities and cringey motivational quotes that gave off more of a pound shop plaque, ‘live, laugh, love,’ vibe.
“So, now I’ve introduced myself, do you fancy telling me more about you.” she said calmly, taking another sip of her coffee. Her name was Dr Sheridan, a petite woman, with wild brown curls, crimson-red lipstick, a Neon orange summer dress and dangly earrings of literal dried-up clementines to match. She kind of looked like a children’s entertainer, a splash of life and colour against the otherwise sad-looking walls.
“I’m The-”
“Hi, I’m Ast”
We both say at the same time.
“Ever heard of ladies first Theo?,” I say through gritted teeth.
He grunts before gesturing to me to continue.
“As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted,” I flash him a look of annoyance, “Hi, I’m Astrid Cartwright. I’m twenty-four, I’m from Newbury, and I’m a reception class teacher.”
Dr Sheridan gives me a brief smile before turning her attention to Theo, “And yourself?”
He exhales, looking bored already. “I’m Theo Jessop. I’m twenty-four, from Newbury as well, and I’m an administrator at a construction firm. ”
“Brilliant!” she beams as if we’d just told her we solved the meaning of life, rather than giving her the three dullest facts. “Before we go any further and begin to form some strategies, I want to find out a little bit more about your relationship background.” She clicks her pen at the ready, “Just the standard information. You know, where you first met, how long you’ve been together, etc.”
“Well.” We both say again in unison.
“You interrupted me that time!” Theo clips, before I could accuse him.
“How old are you, five?” I spit back.
Dr Sheridan pops her pen back down for a moment, puffing the air out of her nose. Was she already giving up on us?
“Relationships are about compromise, about knowing when it’s time to talk, and when it’s time to listen. Theo, why don’t you go first, and then Astrid, if you have anything else to add afterwards, you can do so. This is meant to be a safe space where everyone’s voices are heard.”
“Please proceed.” She nods to Theo.
Rolling my eyes at his smirk, I let him continue.
“So, Astrid and I first met at secondary school in year seven. We were in the same form group and were seated next to each other from day one. We often used to get in trouble for laughing all the time, but we never got separated. ”
“What did you used to laugh about, if you don’t mind me asking?” Dr Sheridan asks as she scrawls some notes down onto her notepad.
A warm smile flickers over his face, a smile I hadn’t seen in forever, one immersed with nostalgia. “All sorts of things really. The giant sweat stains under our form tutor, Mr. Hansons’ armpits, any innuendo that was mentioned in a lesson, the kid in our form who thought they were an actual wolf.” He puffs out a laugh, “But mostly, we’d be talking about films. Ones we definitely shouldn’t have been watching at that age, but did anyway. We actually made it our thing then, they were called ‘Freaky Friday’s,’ where we’d take it in turns going to each other’s houses every Friday to watch the craziest, grossest films we could get our hands on.”
I notice a glimmer of hope sparkle in her eyes, “And you continued with this every Friday?”
We both nod in unison. “Every Friday for the next 7 years. It was actually on one of those nights when we were seventeen, that I confessed my feelings for her.”
“And I presume you reciprocated?” she asks, looking at me.
I can’t help but let out a smile as I remember that night. “Yeah of course, I was so in love with him. I couldn’t believe he felt the same way.”
Theo meets my eye for a moment, but I can’t quite place his emotions. He looks almost sad.
“Sorry, Astrid. I can’t help but notice that you’ve used the past tense there. Was that intentional? ‘I was so in love with him.’”
Was it intentional?
“No. I just meant it as in, back then. I do still- I mean- I am still-” I fumble awkwardly, looking at the table.
Sensing my discomfort, Dr Sheridan encourages us to move on. “And what happened then Astrid?”
“Well, I actually went to university up in Nottingham for 4 years to do my bachelor’s in education and then my PGCE, but we made the long-distance work. We still did our ‘freaky Friday’s’ but over Zoom. After I graduated, I moved back home, and Theo and I started looking at houses. We found one, moved in when were twenty-one, and the rest is history I guess.”
“That’s quite a young age to move in together. You must have really been driven to achieve such a milestone.”
“We were desperate to, so we made it happen.” Theo adds confidently.
She looks up from her notepad, “I see. And how was it once you got settled? Were things good between the two of you?” I can tell she’s starting to dig now, about to dissect our relationship like a frog in a GCSE science lesson .
“Amazing.” He smiles, “We’d watch movies most nights, we’d go out for walks on weekends, we’d arrange spontaneous date nights where one of us would pick a surprise restaurant, we’d dance to our vinyl records in the kitchen to make cooking less boring-” He stops himself, looking almost embarrassed to be reflecting that deeply. “So yeah.”
“That sounds lovely.” She replies warmly, “And were there any obvious issues? You know, surrounding domestic tasks such as cooking and cleaning, or any issues surrounding sharing of finances?”
I feel the sting in the pit of my stomach as I realise that we never used to. Theo would actually pull his weight; he’d want to help me out rather than hang me out to dry.
I can’t help myself before adding. “No Dr Sheridan, there wasn’t. Theo would help me cook after we both got home from work, even if it just meant chopping a few vegetables. We’d have different cleaning tasks that we did. I’d do the washing if he hung it out on the line. I’d do the washing up if he did the drying up. We shared things equally, but what can I say? That honeymoon period lasted all of about 5 minutes.”
His face warps and he looks completely disgruntled. “I still do help out. ”
I guffaw, “Oh please, if you count turning on the oven and then abandoning it for the magical cooking fairy, aka, me , to stick something in, even when you’ve been home 2 hours prior.”
“It’s not that taxing to put some food on a tray and put it in the oven Astrid.”
The fury rises through my throat, “if it’s not ‘that hard,’ why can’t you fucking do it then?!”
Dr Sheridan puts a hand up now, “Okay, that’s clearly a sore spot there then. Let’s put that one on the backburner a minute.”
“It’s because you’re so used to mummy doing everything for you!,” I shout, completely ignoring Dr Sheridan’s attempt to ease the tension.
“Can you stop bringing my mum into everything? I know you don’t like her, but not everything is her fault.” Theo replies sharply.
“Are you serious right now?! I’m pretty sure she’d been stabbing my voodoo doll in the back ever since we moved in. She’s a bitch to me, and you do nothing about it. Maybe if you’d stick up for me once in a blue moon, she’d stop berating me and then I wouldn’t have to bring her up all the time.”
“Okay, okay,” Dr Sheridan adds. “It’s clear that there’s a lot to unpack here. I’m keen to learn more about your mother Theo and how she plays into your relationship dynamic, but we don’t have too much time left.”
“Good. This is stupid anyway.” Theo tuts, crossing his arms like a child having a tantrum.
“Don’t be so rude!” I shout.
“It’s fine Astrid.” She nods, “But one task I’d like to set you for today, is for you to share some quality time together. From what I can gather, it sounds like you used to do a lot of that, but I’m presuming now that it doesn’t happen as often. Quality time is crucial in relationships, especially long-term ones. People often think that because you’ve been together for a while, it means you no longer have to make the effort to go on dates. When in reality, date nights helps to reignite the spark that once was, to keep things exciting.”
I anxiously tap my feet on the floor, knowing exactly where this was going.
“So, I want you to go on one of your surprise date nights that you used to do. One of you chooses a restaurant to surprise the other. When you get there, your task is to relearn one another, to act like it’s a first date. Any time one of you feels like starting an argument, you need to try and refrain from doing so, to divert the conversation.”
Theo gulps, “But who will pick the restaurant?”
“I think it should be you.” She says, pointing a finger at Theo, “I could tell by the look on your face that it’s something you liked to do for Astrid. So I want you to do that again for her. Pick somewhere you think she’d like, somewhere that would make her happy. I know it sounds small, but it’s a really important step in getting to understand one another again and to reconnect.”
“I guess I can do that.” he says, quietly.
“Perfect. I can’t wait to hear all about it in the next session.” She smiles, putting her notes down and standing up from her chair to show us out.
I think it’s going to take a whole lot more than fine dining to save this relationship, but as I catch Theo’s eye as we head out the door, a look of determination sprawled all over his face, I guess it’s a baby step that I’m willing to make.