Chapter 24
Theo
Astrid had been especially quiet since mum and dad’s unexpected visit yesterday.
She was stand-offish with me prior to that, but for some reason, today, it was tenfold.
I’d spotted mum go into the kitchen with her whilst I was chatting to dad. I’d thought she’d gone to offer her some help with the tea, (or me, should I say), but they must have been in there for a solid 20 minutes. I was just about to see what was going on, when mum eventually came back in tea-less, followed by a very disorientated-looking Astrid, who was balancing four mugs on a tray. Her eyes were vacant, and her expression unreadable. Dad tried to crack some more jokes, but they weren’t seeming to land, only with me. Something had happened in there; I could feel it. Once they both left, I tried to casually bring it up, I didn’t want to immediately start interrogating her as soon as their feet were out the door.
“Was mum alright with you?” I’d asked, trying my best to sound casual.
“It’s you. Of course she was all right.” she replied whilst scrubbing away at the mugs in the sink.
I had a feeling she wasn’t going to elaborate any further than that, but I tried to give her one more opportunity. After all, if something bad had happened or if she was upset, of course I wanted to know.
“Astrid. You can tell me you know? You don’t have to deal with anything on your own.” I assured, putting a gentle hand on the small of her back.
I feel her body jolt at the coolness of my palm, “There’s nothing to tell Theo, can we just drop it please?”
Knowing there was no point in poking the bear any further, I leave it. Instead, I’d picked up a tea towel and began drying up as we stood in silence.
◆◆◆
I couldn’t believe I was saying this, but thankfully, we had another session this afternoon with Dr Sheridan. I was hoping that any tension between Astrid and I could hopefully be smoothed out today, it needed to be. Granted, I was anxious at the prospect of keeping on track of who I was, (I’m hyperaware that made me sound like I’m on some sort of hallucinogenic drug), because I needed to remember to only answer as Astrid. If I started spouting off my woes in her body, I think Dr Sheridan might be referring us to a whole new type of psychological unit. It was going to be hard, but I’m hoping that the second time was the charm.
“Good afternoon both.” Dr Sheridan beams, as she waves us into her office. “How are you doing?”
“I’m good thank you.” I add, taking a seat on one of the tub chairs.
“Yeah I’m okay thanks.” Astrid whispers, taking off her jacket and hooking it over the chair.
She takes a seat down, and rests her arms down on the desk, “Excellent. Now, what have you both been up to since our last session? How did the restaurant go?”
The silence is deafeningly loud as we both evidently try and think of an appropriate response.
I could hardly say, ‘well actually Dr Sheridan, on said date, we got into a massive public argument, only to cause Astrid to run into the toilets and accidentally make a wish to some scary old woman that she’d love for us to see things from each other’s perspective, only to then wake up the next day in one another’s body.’ Somehow, I don’t think that would bode well.
I also didn’t want to lie to her though, so I piped up. “It was great to begin with, then we ended the night in a fight.”
“Okay, and can I ask what the fight was about?” she asks softly, clicking the top of her pen, ready to make notes.
“I’d had a bit too much to drink and when Theo suggested that maybe I should stop so we could enjoy the rest of the night, I flipped out a bit at him.” I was only rehashing what happened. After all, that was the point of therapy right? If there was any socially appropriate time to rehash problems, it was in the vicinity of these four walls.
“Well that’s great that you feel comfortable sharing that in here Astrid. I admire your honesty. May I just probe what you consider ‘flipping out’?”
“I wouldn’t say that you were drinking too much, I think that maybe I was just being a bit controlling.” Astrid chimes in, her face unreadable, but her tone stony. Don’t do this here. We’re supposed to be sorting out problems.
Dr Sheridan darts her attention towards Astrid now, “Oh, is that so? Is that quite a regular occurrence in the dynamic of your relationship? An imbalance in control?”
I shake my head before Astrid interrupts, “Absolutely! I do find myself dictating her a lot when I know I should be focusing on my own problems. ”
She was going there, okay, cool.
“Right.” Dr Sheridan says clasping her hands together. “Before the conversation starts to digress, I just want to clarify the current situation.”
I shift in my seat uncomfortably, I always hated hearing our relationship read out in front of us.
“You went to the restaurant, and you said it was great to begin with, yes?”
We both nod.
“Why was it so great? What made it that way before things went wrong?”
I look at Astrid and she looks back at me. “Because I took her to Giovanni’s, it was the same restaurant where we had our first date when we were 17.” Astrid says quietly, looking through her eyelashes.
Dr Sheridan smiles warmly. “A place of significant nostalgia for the both of you then? I presume it’s somewhere that holds a precious memory.”
“Definitely.” I add in sheepishly, “We sat at the same table that we did all those years ago, we ate our favourite food, and we just laughed, it was nice.”
She scrawls away at her notepad before responding, “You were reliving a moment in time. You were re-connecting. That’s what I meant last session when I spoke about the importance of going on dates, even in long-term relationships. It acts as a means of reconnection. Think about it like a battery that needs recharging. At the start of a relationship, you’re in the honeymoon phase. You’re likely always spending time together, you’re giving and receiving gifts perhaps, you’re engaging more in physical and emotional acts of love, and by doing so, your battery is constantly charged. However, as time progresses, naturally, time gets in the way and these things may decrease. A battery can’t be expected to run for 7 years straight if it’s no longer being charged. It dies out. By re-engaging in nostalgic activities and quality time, your brain is making more oxytocin. It creates a feeling of safety and love, thus recharging your battery.”
I’d never thought about it that way. It was quite poetic actually, (don’t ever let Billy, Ro, or any of the lads at work hear that though).
“Tell me Astrid, what is it that you want from Theo?”
“I want him to work with me. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m his domestic maid. I want him to realise that I’m exhausted being angry all the time. I don’t want to be someone he feels that he has to walks eggshells around, I want him to support my decisions and stand up to me in front of his mum when she’s being rude to me. I want him to respect my job. I want to feel like I’m a woman that he’s proud of.”
Shit.
Dr Sheridan’s face etches in confusion as she looks over at my body, answering Astrid’s question. “Oh-um- that was actually a question for Astrid, Theo. But-uh- it sounded like you articulated very well what you believe Astrid must be feeling.”
I want to try and rectify the confusion, but my mind is distracted. I want to feel like I’m a woman that he’s proud of . Did she really not think that I was? Did I not tell her that enough?
“Did you want to answer that Astrid?” She smiles, obviously opting to thankfully ignore what just happened.
“No.” I shake my head, “I think he covered everything.”
“Okay, and Theo, what is it that you want from Astrid?”
She exhales, opening her mouth and then closing it again. “I don’t know.”
She doesn’t know what I want from her?
Deciding not to push Astrid any further, she drops her pen down onto the table. “Right, my next task for the both of you is going to be to work together for a common goal. I think from what I can gather, you both have similar needs and goals, but your breakdown in communication often results in neither of you meeting those needs. I can tell that you both want to achieve them, otherwise you wouldn’t be here in the first place. But especially considering how you re-connected through quality time, even if for only a short period, tells me that the foundation is there.”
This woman was hitting the nail straight on the head. That was the thing, a part of me always knew that Astrid and I were never truly lost. A flame that strong couldn’t burn out, surely. But over the past few months, I was starting to doubt whether I was kidding myself, desperately clutching onto the youth of our relationship like the final leaf clinging onto the tree in Autumn. I didn’t know if there was anything left to fix. Therefore, hearing Dr Sheridan confirm that she thought that all was not yet lost, was a driving force that we both needed to hear. Maybe we didn’t need to tap out just yet.
“It sounds silly, but I suggest working together on something like a complex game, or even perhaps something like a treasure hunt.”
We both snort at that.
Her mouth tips upwards, “Okay, both not avid treasure hunters. That’s fine. But maybe you both could think of something? So long as it’s not something that you know will likely cause an argument.”
I inwardly laugh, immediately crossing Monopoly off our list. Even when Astrid and I were at an all-time high, her level of competitiveness when it came to Monopoly was second to none. She even made my cousin Zara cry once when she was a kid because she wouldn’t let her win the children’s version of it. She said that letting kids win would only set them up for failure in later life, and with that, she snatched all the money and did a victory dance on the sofa. That was a memory I’d never be able to forget any time I saw my now teenage cousin.
“I’m sure we’ll be able to think of something.” Astrid smiles.
“Perfect,” Dr Sheridan chirps, as she stands up to let us out. “And remember, whatever you choose to do for this task, it has to be something that you both want to achieve. A goal that only involves you two.”
And as we walk out of her office, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I have the perfect idea.