Chapter 23
Astrid
I wasn’t ever putting myself out there again, or putting my feelings on the line like that.
To say I felt embarrassed was an understatement.
I really thought that things were on the up, that we were making the best out of a bad situation, that perhaps, maybe, just maybe , we were relearning each other once again and rekindling the shred of who we once were. I thought all the signs were there, I thought he wanted me. But just like the recurring theme of our life right now, it was all just one big mindfuck. It truly felt like someone was watching the timeline of mine and Theo’s relationship on the TV, but rather than letting our story play out until the happy ending, they chose to constantly rewind it to all the shitty parts instead, and I had a horrible feeling that we’d never get to the end credits.
My inner turmoil is suddenly interrupted by the absolute hammering at the door. I’m surprised it hasn’t woken Theo up. He just lay there, with his eyelids fluttering and chest slowly rising up and down in a steady rhythm. That was the one saving grace about this whole situation I guess. The fact that he was in my body, somehow seemed to counteract his abysmal snoring, meaning, I was finally graced with a peaceful night’s sleep. It probably meant that I snored through his body, but he never brought it up thankfully. He slept like the dead after all.
Bang bang bang!
Jesus Christ, desperate much?
Quickly grabbing Theo’s dressing gown, I wrap it over my body, and head downstairs. I unlock the door, fully expecting to see our petite post-woman and sign for some mystery item that Theo had ordered when I’m immediately engulfed in a bear hug.
“Surprise!” she squeals, her flaming red curls scraped back into a tight bun, and her usual Ivory skin, now caramelized in a tan.
Oh god, please no. I didn’t realise they’d be back so soon.
“Well? Aren’t you going to say something pumpkin?” she chirps, finally prying her arms away from me. It’s then that I notice Graham, also tanned, and flashing me a sympathetic grin. The same grin he usually greets me with when I’m in my regular body. I know it sounded crazy, but a part of me shivered thinking that he could somehow tell that I wasn’t his son .
Quickly channeling my inner Theo, I smile, before replying, “Great to see you both. You’re back earlier than I thought you’d be?”
Maggie’s mouth droops a little, “Are you not happy to see us?”
Jesus Christ, she took everything so personally .
“No, no. Of course I am!” I say, awkwardly playing with my fingers, “Just thought you’d rather go home and rest, rather than come here, that was all.”
She’s smiling again now, wafting me away, as she barges her way in. That’s one thing that I absolutely loathed about Theo’s family. They just turned up unannounced. When we first moved in, he made the mistake of telling his grandparents that they could come any time, but I think they took that phrase all too literally, and ended up turning up at least three times a week. Sometimes I’d be sat in the living room watching Netflix, dressed in my giant oodie, with my hair piled up on the top of my head in a messy bun, and my face bare, and they’d just appear . It was mortifying. Any woman knows, their living room is like their sanctuary, where there are no overstimulating big lights on, with the room instead being gently illuminated by fairy lights and candles and they can pound wine and chocolate to their hearts content. It’s a sacred place where you can just be ugly in peace without any judgement. But nope. I wasn’t granted that luxury. Don’t get me wrong, his grandparents are sweet enough, and I don’t mind them coming round at all. But they could at least tell me first, so I can plan ahead to be somewhat decent. But Maggie, she was just an invasion of privacy altogether. When we were close during the earliest months of the move, she’d always ask first if she wanted to combe by, but as she grew to resent me as time went on, she gave no fucks about intruding. I think she actually liked interrupting, mostly so she could see me in my ugly element and make unwarranted comments on it. It was like a sport for her, insulting me. I couldn’t even hide upstairs, because she’d just ask Theo where I was and he'd blab my whereabouts, so she’d either shout at me to come downstairs, or worse, she’d come up. I’ve always felt like I’ve had to be on the lookout since then, perfectly made up, just in case she appears.
Today though, for the first time, I was going to get a different perspective. I was going to get to talk to her as someone else, her pride and joy. I should be absolutely shitting bricks that I’m going to have to somehow convince her that I’m her son, but I don’t know…I could also have a bit of fun here.
“Where’s Astrid?” Oh god, there it was. The million pound question.
“Asleep.” I whisper, pointing upstairs, hoping that she won’t budge any further.
“At this hour? It’s nearly 10:30 in the morning!” she frowns.
I had to bite my tongue. The irony was, her precious little pumpkin was the one who was still lazing about upstairs asleep, not me. But of course, those rose tinted lenses were glued firmly to her face.
“You should go and wake her, let her know that we’ve come to say hello.” She chirps, but I can see the glint of humour in her eyes at the prospect of catching me off guard. She really was the Cruella De Ville of Newbury.
Graham puts a hand up to stop me, “Don’t wake her Theo, let her sleep for a bit. We’ve only just arrived anyway. I’m sure she’ll be down when she’s ready.” Bless his little cotton socks. Why couldn’t Theo take after his dad? I swear, he used to be. He was generous, empathetic, kind…but now, now he was showing traits of Maggie’s, and one was quite enough.
I’m about to guide them into the living room when I hear trudging down the stairs. I look over, only to find Theo wiping his eyes, and stifling a yawn before mumbling, “Astrid?”
Shit. Maggie and Graham both sport matching looks of confusion.
Theo clearly wakes up now, his eyes wide as he realises his error. He looks bloody awful, or should I say I look bloody awful. My butt-length hair is half sticking up in the air, the other half is hanging down in a weird knot. There’s crust in my eyes, I’m wearing a spaghetti strap vest top and a tiny pair of pants, (because Theo insists that I’m a crazy lady for always wearing fuzzy pj’s, even in the summer, and told me that he risked melting away if he didn’t strip them off), and is that…drool down my chin? Bloody brilliant. Just the ammo for Maggie.
“Are you drunk?” Maggie questions accusingly.
“No, thank you very much!” I shout, a little too defensively, causing them both to crane their necks at me. “I mean…no she’s not. We just went to bed a little bit too late last night. Didn’t know you were that exhausted that you’d call me by your own name though.” I faux-laugh, giving him a ‘you owe me one’ glare.
He gives me a brief nod, indicating that he’s on the same wavelength. “Yeah, we need to get some earlier nights for sure. Anyway, how was your holiday?” his eyes flick to Maggie and Graham who are still looking slightly puzzled.
“It was lovely thank you Ast-” Graham starts to reply before Maggie cuts him off.
“Astrid I’d rather not discuss my travels with you whilst you’re stood there in your underwear. Neither Graham nor I need to see that. ”
I mean, not that I’d ever voluntarily choose to chat with my future in-laws in my panties, but it was yet another mortification that had somehow been thrusted upon me. For once, I actually did agree with Maggie there, so much so, that I found myself mentally dressing him.
Trying to communicate with Theo, I shoot my eyes in the direction of upstairs, hoping he gets the memo to put some bloody clothes on.
Thankfully, he turns on his feet and darts upstairs. God only knows what he’d choose for me to wear, but it couldn’t be worse than what he’d come down in, or what he didn’t come down in, I should say.
◆◆◆
“And this is me on the beach. Graham, you didn’t need to take so many photos!” She chuckles after showing us probably about the 200 th photo from their honeymoon. The joke was, I’d say 30% of them were actual photos of Cyprus. Soft white beaches, beautiful blue waters, the hustle and bustle of tourist-packed streets, beautiful historical sites like Aphrodite’s rock. However, the other 70% were just photos of Maggie in bikini’s, Maggie posing on the hotel balcony with a floppy sunhat, Maggie sipping on an array of cocktails…you get the picture. Poor Graham didn’t even make the cut. The hilarity of it all wa s also that she was trying to pretend that all of those photos were candid’s that Graham had just ‘annoyingly’ took, when in reality, she was probably begging him to take a snapshot of her at any given location. She was like a teenage, influencer-wannabe.
“Oo that reminds me, I bought you both a little something! She squeals, reaching into her handbag.
She pulls out this giant roll, which honestly for a split second makes me think she’s got one of those magic Mary Poppins bags, that can somehow fit any sized item within it. Passing it to me, she says, “It’s an old traditional map of Cyprus, dates back centuries! Thought you could frame it and pop it on your wall.”
I can see Theo about to reach out his arms to accept it before he quickly reverts. I unravel the roll, and it’s beautiful. It looks historical, almost like something a pirate would have navigated from. It would definitely be a rustic addition to the living room.
“Oh and Astrid, this is for you.” she dips her hand back into her bag only to pull out…a stick of rock. She got Theo a beautiful oldy-worldy map, and she got me some sweets? I’m not even trying to sound ungrateful; I’m just absolutely flabbergasted. It looked like something you could just get at your shitty local UK seaside town. Sh e’d clearly done this on purpose. Not that I was expecting a gift at all, but Cyprus had so many gorgeous souvenirs to offer, and she got me that? I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she’d have poisoned it too.
Sensing Theo’s obvious discomfort at the disparity between our gifts, he takes the rock from Maggie and breathes an awkward, “thank you. You didn’t need to.”
“Oh I wanted to.” She smirked. I wanted to punch her sarcastic lights out. “Anyway.” She shakes her head, “enough about us. How has couple’s therapy been going?”
Our first session felt like a lifetime ago. We were actually due our next one tomorrow. So much had obviously happened since then, I struggled to even recall everything Dr Sheridan had said. It’s hard to remember psychoanalytic strategies when you’ve, you know, been magicked into your partner’s body and had to live his life for nearly the past month.
Luckily, Theo takes one for the team, “It was a positive start. She set us with the first task of spending quality time together, so we went to Giovanni’s.”
“Is that all she had to say?” Maggie’s face morphs into a frown, “You’re paying ￡80 for her to tell you to go and have some dinner?”
“It wasn’t like that actually.” I interrupt, much to her surprise. “She just felt like we hadn’t been spending as much time together as we used to, and she told us that the dates shouldn’t just stop once you’ve been with someone for a long time, it helps to keep things fresh and to keep the connection going. We’re trying our best.” Clearly, Maggie’s ignorance graced me with some recollections of the session.
“Oh, sorry pumpkin. That’s great then.” She sneers, clearly taken aback that her ‘son’ spoke up for himself and his relationship. Something only the real Theo could dream of doing, something that had he done so already, then perhaps we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.
Graham quickly changes the subject to his tan, joking that he’s never looked this handsome in his life and thankfully, everyone is soon immersed in that conversation. I pray to all that is holy that no one brings up work, I think I’d rather eat my own arm than for Maggie to find out that I’m on a temporary suspension. She’d never let me live it down and likely kidnap Theo to save him from my disgrace. About 20 minutes passes and all this talk of sand, beaches, and scorching temperatures, is making me thirsty. I could absolutely murder a cup of tea right now.
Standing up from the sofa, I offer everyone a drink before heading to the kitchen. I stick the kettle on, grab four mugs, and pop a teabag in each of them before I jump an absolute mile at the hand that suddenly wraps around my shoulder from behind me.
“Sorry pumpkin, I didn’t mean to scare you.” She sighs.
“Uh, the drinks won’t be long.” I mumble, assuming that her impatience must be the reason that she’s come in here so soon.
“No, no.” she flaps her hand about, “I’ve not come in here to chase the drinks darling. I wanted to talk to you about Astrid.”
Ahh, so she wanted to come in here to bitch about me, got it.
“Okay?” I ask, ignoring the screech of the kettle as it comes to a boil, eager to find out what Maggie has to say first.
“I know I said at the wedding that you both should try couple’s counselling, and don’t take this the wrong way love, but I don’t think it’s worth it. I don’t think she’s worth it.” Her hand starts rubbing up and down my shoulder now, causing my stomach to cramp and churn in anger. “I know you both have been together for a long time, and you’re trying to make it work, but some things just aren’t worth the effort in saving.”
Worth the effort. I’m sorry?
“What are you saying?” I reply sternly. She might as well just come out with it, rather than beat around the bush. Tell me what you really think Maggie.
“Please don’t get angry with me Theodore. But you and I both know that Astrid has changed over the past few years. She’s become bitter and jealous, she’s always on edge, meaning that everyone has to walk on eggshells around her in fear of her kicking off, and don’t get me started on the level of complaining and moaning. I don’t think I’ve actually heard her say anything remotely nice or encouraging to you in that period of time. I-I don’t know, I just think that time changes people, and time has really done a number on Astrid. She’s uptight and doesn’t seem to have much fun anymore. You, however, you need fun. You need someone who will support you and not expect you to have to do everything. Someone who will be kind. Don’t get me wrong, she used to be all of those things. But I don’t think you’re getting her back Theo. I mean, you’re both 24 and has she considered even having a baby yet? Does she have any intentions of giving me grandchildren or you a child? You don’t want to smooth sail and get to the point where she’s a geriatric mother with more complications, or worse, you find out that the window has closed and you can’t have any.”
I don’t actually know what to say right now. Everyone says that they wish that they could be a fly on the wall, but in this moment, I wish I could have been anything but. I’m trying to suck in all my emotions so that I don’t lash out. I’m angry, I’m hurt, and I’m insulted. The fact she snuck in to tell him this as well? Whilst ‘I’m’ literally sat in the other room. The audacity of this woman astounds me. I had no idea what she was talking about. I was still fun, I was still kind and supportive, wasn’t I? No. I wasn’t even going to let her make me second guess myself. I know myself better than she does. Also, ‘not expect you to do everything’ , the man does diddly squat! She was so far removed from reality, it was insane. Don’t even get me fucking started on her baby comment. I’m 24 not 84 for god’s sake. I wasn’t some sort of ticking time bomb, nor was I some sort of reproductive machine, born and bred to serve her son and provide her with grandkids, give me a break! Theo and I were hardly in any position to be parents anyway. The irony of her literally slating our entire relationship, but then in the same vein, demanding that we have kids together? PAH! Yeah, right.
If the real Theo wouldn’t stick up for me in a situation like this, I was going to at least do it for myself. Taking in a deep gush of breath, I reply, “Thank you for sharing that, but it’s not necessary.”
Her eyes widen almost instantly as I say it.
“Astrid and I are going to couple’s counselling because we’re trying to sort things out. If we’re a lost cause, we’re a lost cause. If we lose the money, we lose the money. But at the end of the day, we’re doing it anyway, whether you like it or not. She also isn’t ready for a child and neither am I, that’s our decision, not yours. We’re not even financially stable enough to bring a child into the mix anyway. Astrid might not be the same person you remember her as, but she’s still a person . A person who has thoughts and feelings which you clearly disregard. Maybe for one minute, stop thinking about what’s just best for me, and maybe also start considering what’s also best for her. We come as a package deal.”
Her face is a picture. I didn’t need to be rude. No swearing, no angst. Just raw, authentic, honesty. I’d love to say this as myself, but she’d almost definitely try and hit me with her a handbag or something. Who cared if I wasn’t what she wanted me to be? Someone who really cared about me, would continue to do so despite any changes. That’s what family was supposed to do.
“It’s just my opinion Theo. I’m looking out for you because you’re my son, and I care . I’m sorry if I’ve upset you. But at present, that’s just how I feel.” She shrugs guiltily.
Wow. Even after that, she still wouldn’t budge or attempt to re-consider her attitude towards me. Do you know what, I was well aware that it took two to tango. I knew that I wasn’t 100% guilt-free in this rocky ‘in-law’ relationship. But if she was willing to sit down with me and hash it all out like adults, ensuring that all laundry was aired, no matter how dirty, I’d actually consider starting again with her. We had such a good relationship prior to Theo and I moving in, and at times, I did miss her. After all, I was a far cry away from my own mum, who was currently living her best life in New Zealand.
When I moved out, my parents thought it was the perfect opportunity to start their retirement plan, to move abroad. I was their only child, I was making enough money to look after myself, and now I had my own place, there wasn’t as much need for them to be around all the time. So, about 2 months later, they packed all their things, sold my childhood house, and moved to the land of the Hobbits. We still called and facetimed every once in a while, but the time difference made it challenging to keep in frequent contact. So the extent of our relationship is now just through the occasional texts. Alas, it was Maggie who started this 3-year-long feud, she chose to drop me. If she hadn’t, things might have still been normal between us.
Trying to debate with her further, was like attempting to draw blood from a stone. Useless and disappointing.
Clapping my hands together in finality, I reply, “Well, my sincerest apologies that you feel that way.”
With that, I nudge past her, and finish making the tea until I hear her leave.