Chapter 26
Theo
“You're having a laugh.” I say, staring at the prima ballerina in the mirror.
Yep. I was wearing a leotard and a tutu. That’s what my life had come to.
Astrid had argued that we couldn’t just go in there, all guns blazing. But rather, we had to have a solid plan. (I don’t know, the idea of storming in there and pinning her against a wall until she changed us back sounded like a better idea to me), but I guess Astrid didn’t fancy having a restraining order and a potential prison sentence under her belt. We headed to the village hall slightly earlier, to try and figure out where all the exits were, so at least if we approached her, and she tried to make a run for it, she wouldn’t be able to. We were borderline starting to sound like criminals.
Much to my distaste, we quickly found out that this was a ballet class. “You have to go in there!” Astrid whispered, even though there wasn’t anyone in the building yet.
My stomach heaved, “ What? ”
“Go in there and tell the teacher that you’re a new student who would like to start. That way, no one will be suspect.” She insists confidently, as if it’s some sort of obvious fact.
I exhale, “So let me get this straight. You want me to go in there, as you, and do ballet ?”
She nods vehemently. “It’s the only way to ensure everything runs smoothly. You’re simply a new student who wants to try out some ballet. When Darla spots you, she won’t be able to do anything unless she wants to bring any unwanted attention to herself. I mean, she’s hardly going to try and fight you in front of her ballerina clan is she?”
I swallow down the golf ball sized lump in my throat. I didn’t like the idea of this. I thought trying to pose as teacher-Astrid was challenging enough, but now posing as ballerina-Astrid? That was a whole different ball game.
I didn’t like to think of myself as someone with fragile masculinity, but as I stared back at my reflection in the mirror now, it was safe to say, I definitely felt like it was being compromised. This mortification had also been multiplied due to the fact that I was by far the youngest person here. As I stood in the changing rooms and peeked through the door into the hall, I could see floods of grannies. I was almost certain that this was some sort of over OAP retirement class or something, but Astrid ensured me that it said ‘ everyone welcome’ on the sign plastered to the front door. The ballet instructor had caught us gawking through the window when we first arrived, and was one of those painfully extroverted, ‘can I help you?’ sort of people. You know the ones you get in Lush whose literal job is to pray on unsuspecting introverts with their tray of testers, (I’ve been lugged along by Astrid to the nostril-interrogating stores multiple times to know). When she first asked where my ballet outfit was, I awkwardly shrugged, obviously not primed and prepped to go to a bloody ballet lesson on a Monday afternoon. She looked almost sympathetic as she bolted over to a random chest. The next thing I knew, she was pulling out a baby pink leotard, matching tutu and ballet shoes.
“I imagine these should fit!” she sung, overenthusiastically.
I wanted to die as I tiptoed my way out of the changing rooms, it was freezing. I knew that realistically, I was just Astrid in a ballet costume, and that no one would likely bat an eye, but it was still me in here. My muscle memory kicked in as I cupped an awkward hand to my crotch, trying to conceal the non-existent balls that should be dangling out of the leotard.
“Ah, there you are!” The ballet instructor, Miss Nova, chirps, gesturing me into the hall. Suddenly, I’m a kid again, walking into form for the first time on my first day of secondary school. Multiple eyes are boring onto me and I feel completely and utterly judged. Granted, it was just a bunch of cute old ladies, but I could tell that they were definitely judging my age, like I’d entered a ‘strictly no under sixty’s club.’ “I was beginning to worry that you might have gotten cold feet!”
Shaking my head and crossing my arms tightly to my chest, I scan the room for a woman that fitted Astrid’s description. After all, I never actually saw Darla for myself. There were crowds of silver hair, it should hardly be like playing a game of Where’s Wally. I had absolutely no idea if she was in here or not. Maybe if one of them started acting sketchy when she saw me, that would at least give me a sign. Thankfully, I have Astrid glancing through one of the windows of the hall at all times. Great for being on Darla-lookout, not so great for her watching me have to… ballet dance . I turn my head towards the window and raise an eyebrow. She shakes her head, silently indicating that none of the women in here were her. Fuck sake . I’d hoped that we hadn’t gone to all of this effort for nothing.
Before I even have time to think, a high-pitched symphony begins blaring over the speakers and Miss Nova shouts to the corner of the room, “Thank you Darla!” My breath stops in my chest. Turning the corner from the stereo comes another silver-haired woman. However, there was something different about her to the rest of them, I just felt her presence like a burning flame. I immediately catch her gaze and her eyes nearly burst out of her head. Gotcha Bitch . But then, the corners of her mouth twist into a smirk and she winks at me… winks! She knows who I am fully well, and she doesn’t care. If anything, she looks almost glad that I’m here. I can see Astrid in my peripheral vision waving and pointing manically, obviously trying to tell me what I already know.
Pssst!
I try to catch her attention but she’s turned her back and is currently doing some sort of ballet-squat or something with another woman.
PSSST!
I really didn’t want to have to make a scene, but this bitch was not getting out of this scot-free. She at least had to talk to me.
I’m just about to tap her on the shoulder when I feel a hand on my shoulder.
“Do you need some help with your plie’s Astrid?”
Oh, not now.
“Uh” I grunt, “I’m okay thank you-”
“Nonsense!” Miss Nova bellows, “Don’t be shy to ask, we’ll do it together. Okay? One…two…three” she starts squatting down against the metal bar, her smile not moving an inch. It was actually kind of creepy. Anyway, I didn’t need any of this. I needed to get close to Darla before the lesson ended, the last thing I needed was for her to bugger off, and never come back here again. Then we’d truly lose her for good. “Come on Astrid!” she sings.
I glance over at the window and can see Astrid absolutely howling with laughter. She’s wiping the tears from her cheeks and giving me two sarcastic thumbs up. I’m glad she’s finding this so amusing. I say that, but I can’t help but let out a brief snort at the pure madness of the situation either. Flipping her the bird, I turn around and…plie. If it was my only hope of at some point getting closer to Darla and sorting this shit out once and for all, then I guess that was my fate.
◆◆◆
It was safe to say, I was not going to be the next Darcy Bussell anytime soon. Miss Nova even told me that I danced like I had two left feet. Not that I gave a damn about my lack of ballet skills, I was fully aware of that already, but she just wouldn’t stop lingering. The session had finished, and all of the silver hair brigade began to swarm into the changing rooms. I desperately tried to follow so that I could catch Darla, but Miss Nova literally wouldn’t stop blocking me, constantly trying to advise that I take extra lessons with her and recommending various ballet stretches that I could do on YouTube. In the end, I’d had enough. I barged past her and ran like my life depended on it, because it quite literally would. When I dived into the changing rooms, everyone had gone. My stomach sank, and my brain whirred. I couldn’t believe it, this was it. This might have been our last chance at getting an out and now it was gone. Now I had to go and try to break the news to Astrid that the likelihood of us staying like this forever was looking even more probable. That bitch. She knew I was here, she saw me, winked at me, and then proceeded to piss off with all of her friends. We were her puppets and she was just pulling the strings. The anger rises through me like a tidal wave and before I can think about what I’m doing, I immediately shove over one of the benches in the changing room, causing a massive crash.
“ Whoa! Calm down there.” A voice shouts from the corner of the room.
She pokes her head around the door from one of the changing stalls. It’s her.
“I’m presuming you’d like to talk?” she asks.
I take in a breath. I was a mix of emotions right now as I looked at her face, a face that was completely casual and acted as if this was just another bloody Monday. I opt to clip my tongue for now and respond sharply, “Yes. I think we need to. Don’t you?”
The sound of the bolt swipes, as she finishes getting changed and leaves the stall, now stood opposite me.
“So.” She says, eyes boring into mine, “I’m sure you have a lot of questions Theo. Nice to meet you by the way.”
She knew exactly what she’d done, and the worse part was, she looked proud of it.
“Why? Why would you do this to us?” I ask, not dropping her gaze.
Tutting, she responds, “Do you really not know? Astrid was distraught in the toilets that night. I could feel her exhaustion and defeat from a mile-off. After chatting with her about her relationship, I quickly learned that it was a two-way street. That you were both to blame for the breakdown in your relationship.”
“Hold on.” I interrupt, “What makes you think you have any right to pass judgement on someone else’s relationship? Someone you’d literally just met? You can’t know a full story from 30 minutes Darla,” fully enunciating her name with sarcasm.
“Oh trust me dear. I knew everything I needed to know in about 10 minutes of her talking. You’re both not happy and haven’t been for a while. But the love is still there, albeit hanging on by a thread. Couple’s counselling is fine, and it’s a start, but what you guys really needed was some perspective . It’s all well and good mentalizing and pretending to see things from the other’s point of view, but you know what they say. You never truly know someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.”
I didn’t have the time for all of this metaphoric, cryptic, bullshit. I just cut straight to the chase, “can you switch us back?”
She nods.
“So, go on then.” I insist firmly.
Her head starts shaking, “You haven’t passed the test yet.”
Passed the test? Were we sitting some fucking 11+ exam that I didn’t know about? The absolute audacity.
I cross my arms now, seething at the teeth. “And what exactly do we have to do to pass this ‘test’?”
“ Ah.” She takes a finger and taps her nose, “That’s for you to find out for yourselves.”
Who did this woman think she was? The Riddler?
My patience had now grown dangerously thin and I raise my voice, “Stop playing mind games! This is our life Darla. This isn’t some joke. I’ve already got Astrid fucking temporarily suspended from her work because I messed up her teaching observation. I’m pretty certain my mum said some shit about her, to her, obviously thinking it was me. Our friends and family are starting to become suspicious. This isn’t even funny; you could ruin everything by keeping this going.”
I swear a flash of sympathy crosses her face, before she exhales, “ Exactly . This is your life, and if you want to continue to be in each other’s so badly, then something’s got to change. I’m just allowing you to see it from a whole new perspective, a lesson that you would never learn from elsewhere. I’m not playing games. I’m giving you a taste of one another in a light you’ve never seen before. You got Astrid temporarily suspended? Good. It shows you just how difficult her job is, and maybe how you should start respecting her career a bit more. Your mum laid it out all on the table about Astrid in front of her? Good. Maybe she can see where her downfalls are in your relationship and work to change them. This is an opportunity you won’t get twice. Much like life. Use it, relearn one another, and when you finally do and the time is right, the spell will be broken.”
I scoff, this whole ‘spell’ and magic malarkey would never sit well with me. “What even are you?” I question, accusingly.
She shrugs with a smile, “Don’t you think it’s silly asking questions that you already know the answer to?”
And with that, she picks up her bag and heads for the door. “Oh, and Theodore?” she says, looking over her shoulder. “In future, you might want to stop initiating search parties and forging fake missing person’s posters. You might just find yourself behind bars. Still, I commend the effort though, even if you think I look old enough to be your grandmother.” She winks, and then she’s gone.
Somehow, I still didn’t feel any closer to getting back to normal. We’d already begun to re-learn each other, or so I thought anyway. Wasn’t that enough? What more did we have to do? Fuck it. I’d had quite enough riddles for one day.