Chapter 31
Astrid
As soon as I’d come off the phone with mum, it started to absolutely hammer it down. At least Theo had short hair, so I didn’t have to worry about coming back looking like a drowned rat. I’d bolted from the park and it was fair to say, as soon as I arrived back at the house, I did end up heaving over and having to pant for breath for a few minutes. I guess I must have exhausted all of Theo’s magical running stamina earlier. Eventually, I unlocked the door and kick off my trainers, actually feeling motivated for the first time in ages.
“I’m back!” I shout.
Nothing.
That’s odd?
I run to the bathroom to check he’s not in the shower, but it’s not running. The bathroom is absolutely glistening though. It smells like lemons and looks like a promotional photo for IKEA. I dart upstairs to see if maybe he was having a nap, he wasn’t. However, again, the bedroom was spotless. The sheets were freshly laid out, you could actually see the carpet again, with none of his pants in sight. I check the washing basket, nothing. Oh my god, had he done the washing?!
Legging it downstairs, I head to the kitchen. The breakfast bar was so shiny, I could see my reflection in it, the surfaces were all gleaming, no coffee or tea stains to be found. The dinner table was even already perfectly laid out, and it wasn’t even dinner for another seven or so hours. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He’d chosen to do all of this whilst I was out as a surprise I bet. My heart swells just thinking about it. I knew what he was trying to do. He’d listened to me, he was trying to show me that he was prepared to change, to fight for us. If anything, that filled me with even more drive to have this conversation. If he was ready to make changes, and so I was I, surely that was what Darla meant? We were learning things from another’s perspective and doing something about it.
I race to the living room; he must be in there. When I arrive, as predicted, it’s wonderful. The string lights have had new batteries put in them, so they’re now gently illuminating the cobbled fireplace. The coffee table is glimmering, the cushions on the sofa have all been fluffed and everything looks free from the usual cobwebs and dust. I spot Theo on the corner sofa, “Oh my god! The house looks incredible! ”
Silence .
His back is turned to me, and I’m starting to panic that he’s in some sort of creepy sat up sleeping position.
“Theo?” I ask, slightly raising my voice now.
Turning around, his expression stony, I notice that he’s holding something on his lap. A neon-pink notepad….the bile rises slowly in my throat as the realisation dawns. My old diary.
I raise a confused eyebrow, “What are you doing reading my diar?- ”
“Oh don’t give me that shit.” He immediately clips back, shoving up a hand.
He was fuming.
“I was actually looking through your work binder. You know, to try and at least revise over some of your lesson plans in case we really are stuck like this.”
He was trying to do it all himself?
“I felt awful for what happened. I really wanted to make it right so you could keep your job. I didn’t want to let you down again.”
I had to physically catch my breath. He really was trying, and I appreciated it more than he’d ever know.
“But then I found this interesting little notepad.” He waves the book in the air, his voice lathered with thick sarcasm. “And so I started reading.”
My heartbeat is thumping at a million miles per hour. I can feel the pulse ringing in my ears.
“You’ve felt like this since 2022 ?” he asks, his intense gaze burning a hole in my face.
I didn’t know what to say, I’d regretted ever keeping that diary. I was in a bad place, I missed mum and dad like crazy, I hadn’t even been working at the school for a year yet, and I was constantly stressed. Maggie was being a pain in the ass, I guess I just took a lot of my frustrations out on him at the time because it was easier.
When I don’t answer, he starts reading from the book. “ I can’t stand this anymore. He’s ruining my life.”
I gulp.
“I didn’t mean it.” I whisper, guiltily.
His face twists, “then what did you mean?”
“You know I was just upset about it because it was my first Christmas with mum and dad since we moved in.” I insisted.
He scoffs, “So I make one mistake, and I’m suddenly ruining your life? Yeah, okay. I apologized so many times for that.” He flips to the next page, “ I’m dating an actual fucking slob. A dirty loser.” And the next page, “ He’s a fucking wimp who needs to grow some balls. If I had known all those years ago that I was going to feel like this now, I wouldn’t have even bothered.”
My whole body begins to shiver in regret as I hear him read out all of the spiteful words I said. I didn’t realise how harsh I’d sounded; it made me feel sick.
“I was just angry Theo.” I plead, “I had a lot going on that year and I know that doesn’t give me the right to use you as a scapegoat for my problems, but I was spiraling. You kept doing things and I guess I just couldn’t take it at the time.”
Completely ignoring me, he flips again to the next page, “ I needed to think things through desperately. I knew I couldn’t break up with him on Christmas day, that would be cruel. But with the rate everything was going downhill right now, I needed an out at some point. I didn’t know who he was anymore.”
“Theo. I-I’m sorry.” I whisper, trying to hold back the tears that were starting to prickle.
Slamming the book shut, he cranes his neck, “I’ve got to ask Astrid. Is this just some sort of sick joke to you?”
“What?”
“Us.” He waves a finger between the two of us and doesn’t even let me reply, “Because it seems to me that you’ve been stringing me along for the past nearly 3 years. I knew things had been on the rocks for the past year, but I had no idea that you’ve been feeling this way for longer than that.”
I had the urge to throw up. I thought I felt that way at the time, but it was mostly just the anger talking.
“Again, I was just angry Theo. I didn’t know what I wanted. We all say crap that we don’t mean when we’re angry.”
He shakes his head, “I’d have believed that if our relationship then continued on to be good. Instead, we started to argue more, you would berate any little thing I did, and you and mum would butt heads like crazy. No, you knew fully what your intentions were. You weren’t feeling the same, and you didn’t have the guts to break up with me. So instead, you picked me up and dropped me again like a yoyo.”
“Well you’re hardly a saint are you?” I clap back through tears. “You’ve been unsure about us as well, otherwise you’d have never agreed to couple’s counselling. Surely then by your logic, I could argue that you’ve been stringing me along, just waiting for the greenlight to end things or not.”
Puffing out a dry laugh, he replies, “that’s not the same thing and you know it. I’ve wanted to fix things. Plus, I’ve only felt like things have been shit for the past year at the most. You have been feeling like this for nearly 3 years. ” He taps a sharp finger on the book, “Be honest with me Astrid, did you stay with me because you actually wanted to, or because you were scared of being alone?”
That felt like a punch to the gut. “That’s not fair.” I reply firmly.
“You didn’t answer the question.”
I raise my voice now, “ Of course I wanted to! I was fucking in love with you. That doesn’t just stop. But everything was just getting too much to handle. I know everyone makes mistakes, and I know that you apologized, but then you continued doing the same shit. Leaving your mess for me, letting your mum humiliate me, constantly talking about starting a family when I said I wasn’t ready. They might seem insignificant to you, but they were a huge deal to me. Actions always speak louder than words Theo.”
He rubs a frustrated hand over his face now, “Hence why I’m trying to make changes. Do you think I enjoy forking out ￡80 every other week on couple’s therapy? But I do it because I want this to work out. But still, nothing ever seems good enough for you. Do you know that night at the light spectacle was the real kicker?”
I frown, that night was absolute shambles. “What, you acting weird as hell all night, spilling your boiling hot drink over me and then proceeding to laugh?”
He smacks his palms down onto his thighs. “You thought I was laughing because I found it funny? I wasn’t acting fucking weird, I was NERVOUS! Nervous because I-”
He stops.
“Nervous because of what?! ” I beg.
Why would he be nervous of me?
“Because I-” He tries to end the sentence, but stumbles every time. “You know what? It doesn’t even matter now because I have the answer that I need.
I shift awkwardly on the spot, “What do you mean by that?”
His eyes meet mine, no shred of warmth left. “You haven’t wanted this for a long time, and it’s clearly no use even trying anymore. So, let me make it easier for you. We’re done.”
I’d never imagined how much those words would hurt. My heart was fragile, shattering into shards of glass. My eyes stung as I blinked back the tears. At one time, this was exactly what I thought I wanted, but as I watch him now, his face looking…. numb , I realise that I was wrong. So very wrong. How did we allow ourselves to get into this mess? And I didn’t even mean the body-swap debacle.
Sniffing, I whisper. “Please Theo. I’m so sorry. This isn’t what I want. I came to tell you earlier that I was ready to go over things, to start again.”
“All we’re doing is hurting each other Astrid. We’re like a bloody broken record.” He responds, standing up from the sofa before letting out a defeated laugh, “So much for Darla’s spell.”
My mind was a kaleidoscope of pain and confusion. If Theo was ending things now for good, then where did that leave us? Was this what Darla meant about relearning ourselves, even if the outcome wasn’t what we intended? Were we going to miraculously wake up in our bodies tomorrow now that we’ve realised we’re truly a lost cause?
The funny thing was, I couldn’t give less of a shit about whoever’s body I woke up in tomorrow. All I knew was that Astrid was the last person on earth that I wanted to be right now.