Chapter 30
Theo
She went to think about us.
I knew that’s why she wanted to go for a run this morning. She wanted to think about where we stood, and where we should go next. I wasn’t stupid. Last night had honestly been a breath of fresh air. We did a Freaky Friday . On a Monday too. The very thing that first brought us together and enriched our relationship. As we debated and dissected the film, munching on crappy corner shop popcorn, my heart, for the first time in a while, felt full. It felt like we were meant to be there in that moment, experiencing it together. Relearning each other . My body shudders as Darla’s words echo in my mind.
I felt guilty for spending the remainder of it prying about what mum said to Astrid, but I needed to know, and it was safe to say, I could see why she didn’t want to tell me before. I’d been so sick and tired of all the feuds, that I just lumped mum and Astrid’s into some pathetic sort of catfight, one that wasn’t even worth thinking about. But I was wrong. I knew mum could be close to the knuckle, I knew that Astrid could too, but I didn’t realise that mum truly felt that way about her, and worse, that she inadvertently said it to her. What an absolutely horrible thing for someone to have to hear. The supposed worst parts of themselves relayed to them in front of their very eyes. I know I’d said some of those things to Astrid myself in the heat of the moment, but some of the things my mum brought up were just plain cruel, and frankly, nothing to do with her. I didn’t realise how much power she thought she had over my relationship. I wasn’t a kid anymore. I had my own house, my own mortgage, my own job, my own life. The fact that she even thought it was acceptable to say otherwise was astounding to me. The baby comment made me want to crawl into a hole and stay there honestly. Not just because of her audacity to bring that up, but also because I felt almost responsible for that comment.
She knew I wanted to start a family; Astrid knew that too. I know I’d been a dick about it and I genuinely didn’t mean to, I just wanted to make sure that Astrid had the same goals as I did. After all, it wouldn’t be fair to continue being with someone if one of you was adamant that you never wanted to start a family of your own. It would be absolutely devastating to lose her, but kids were a non-negotiable deal for me. I’d tried to re-evaluate my life so many times, thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if we didn’t ever have them, but those visions of me one day watching their first steps, kissing goodbye to them when they start their first day of school, and just getting to know them, quickly crept into the forefront. The difference was though, Astrid had said that she did want children in the future, she just wasn’t ready right now. That was fair, I see that now. We’re in no way financially stable to have a kid right now and as far as our relationship goes, we definitely weren’t ready to be parents. I mean, I could barely look after Astrid’s houseplant, Henrietta. I’d nearly killed it by lighting a candle directly next to it. If that wasn’t any indication that I’m not fit to be a dad just yet, I didn’t know what was. I saw my mistake now. I was so blinded by this hypothetical family that I didn’t realise the family that I already had.
Mum had no right to impose her views like that. She’d belittled Astrid once again, and I couldn’t just sit there and take it anymore. Astrid was right all along. She often was. I was just scared of upsetting her. I know it’s pathetic to be scared of your parents at the age of twenty-four, but my mum was a different breed.
I wasn’t going to let her slip through my fingers because of it, I couldn’t.
I needed to show Astrid that things could change. That I could change. That things weren’t stagnant, and there was room for movement and flow. Jumping out of bed, I quickly shove on a pair of her baby blue velvet trackies, (or as she calls them, her ‘secret chav couture’ that she wouldn’t be seen dead wearing outside of the safety of these four walls), and start scribbling down my list of tasks to do.
She was going to come in from her run, and it was going to be absolutely spotless. I wasn’t going to tell her that I’d cleaned it or ask for praise, which she usually berated me for when I picked up one sock off the floor and acted like I deserved a golden medal. I was going to go through her binder of lesson plans that she’d prepped for her next observation in less than a month. She’d spent multiple evenings tirelessly planning them with the hope that by the time it came to it, she’d be back in her own body and could redeem my absolute shitshow. However, I wasn’t holding my breath whether that was going to be the case, and I couldn’t let her down again. One more slip up, and she’d lose her job, and I definitely didn’t want that responsibility hanging on my shoulders. I was going to fix it no matter what. This time, this was all just for her. To prove to her that I could be a responsible adult, that I was the same Theo she fell in love with, he’d just got lost somewhere among the rubble, but that he was ready to take back control for his life, for their life. I’m not saying that I’ve been the main culprit in this, because I’m a firm believer that it takes two to tango, and Astrid isn’t without her own faults, but if I could do my bit, then I would. After last night, I no longer felt that we were lost. There was still a spark there, flickering gently like a tealight that had nearly burned all of its wax, and I was going to do everything in my power to ensure that the flame never went out.
◆◆◆
Man, she’d be gone for a long time. I was starting to worry that she’d been abducted or something. It had been about an hour and a half, and I’d say the house was cleaned within an inch of its life. I’d got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the bathroom and the toilet, I cleared out our bedroom, I hoovered every last corner of the house, having to unload it twice, because there was that much grime, I put on the mountain of washing and hung it up outside on the line whilst the sun continued to shine. I even made time to pop round to Tesco and get her a bouquet of sunflowers, her favourites. Admittedly, I wasn’t one of those boyfriends in the movies who always came home primed and prepped with bunches of flowers and chocolates for their partners. Coming home with a greasy bag of chips from the chippy was about as far as I went in terms of romantic surprises, but I wanted to step it up today. The only thing I hadn’t made time for was the lesson planning. I looked at my watch and saw that it was now 9:30. God, it was amazing what you could achieve when you got up before noon, and figured that I probably had enough time to have a quick look in her binder, just to familiarise myself anyway. I head over to her desk, but it doesn’t seem to be there. That’s weird, it was always there. It was chunky, Mustard-coloured, and absolutely splattered with sunflowers, you could hardly miss it. I look high and low throughout the bedroom but it’s to no avail. I opt to try downstairs next, and thankfully, luck seemed to be on my side. It was perched on the coffee table. She must have been going through it at some point yesterday. Slumping down on the sofa, being careful not to make any mess, I heave the binder open. It was like trying to read the Bible honestly, it was a mammoth task. Flipping through the endless pages to her most recent plans causes a mini notepad to fly out from the side. Trust Astrid to have a book within another book.
I pick up the neon pink notepad from the floor and open it up. It might have been some extra planning that would be of use, I flip to the very first page.
November 1 st 2022
If this is my life. I don’t want it .
What was this?
I can’t stand this anymore. He’s ruining my life.
This was Astrid’s handwriting. I continue reading.
All I asked was for him to put the turkey on. It was one fucking job, and he didn’t do it. He knew how much this dinner meant to me. Mum and dad couldn’t stay for Christmas, he knew that. I miss them so fucking much and he doesn’t even seem to care.
My chest constricts as I envision the memory. This was Astrid and I’s second Christmas at our house. Her parents had only moved to New Zealand the year prior, so didn’t get to spend it with her back then. That’s why she insisted on hosting it this time round, so that they could at least get to have dinner with her. They told us that they couldn’t make it for Christmas day itself due to issues with flights, but that they could come in November and have an early Christmas with us. I’d messed up big time that day. It was a memory I didn’t want to relive, but it was like a car crash, I just couldn’t keep my eyes away.
So tonight, we sat here with roast veg, potatoes, yorkies, and…ham! Shitty pre-packed ham that I had to run and grab from the corner shop because there wasn’t any time. Yaz and I had gone to Manchester for the weekend to see Arctic Monkeys an d he knew that I wouldn’t be back in time. I should have known when I messaged him that he wouldn’t. I arrived back, beaming from my weekend, only to find the chicken breast still sat on the side ‘defrosting’ and him sat on his fucking Xbox instead, rotting away like a little manchild.
Mum and dad kept insisting that they didn’t care, and that they were just here to see me, and I understood that. It was so lovely to see them again! But I’d just wished that for once Theo could have pulled his finger out. He ruined Christmas, there I said it.
I gulp down the mortification I feel reading that. I still felt guilty about it to this day, and I apologized so many times to both her and her parents! I even offered to cook them a chicken for next Christmas instead, but Astrid just guffawed and didn’t want to know. It was one of the first times I’d seen her literally turn red with fury because of me. I knew I shouldn’t pry any further because this was clearly some sort of diary and invasion of privacy, but I was way too invested now. It was borderline toxic, but I had to keep reading.
November 10 th 2022
Guess who’s gone out on a jolly with his boyfriend’s to the pub and left muggins here to clean up his shit? There’s about five pairs of his dirty pants on the floor, he’s left all of his cups and bowls from last night for me to wash up, (left over from when he had said boyfriends around AGAIN last night- I hid upstairs, naturally). He knew I was due to have Yaz here for a girls’ night and he’s just left me to do everything yet again. Poor Yaz will likely catch some sort of disease if she sits anywhere near that toilet. Yep, Theo had managed to COVER the toilet in not only his piss, but his shit too. I’m dating an actual fucking slob. A dirty loser.
I run a hand through my hair, biting my lip, as I read Astrid’s true thoughts about me.
December 5 th 2022
Does he go out of his way to stab me in the back?
Maggie literally implied that I’d gotten fat in front of him and he said…wait for it…NOTHING!! Then, when I stand up for myself, I’m the rude one?? I’m sick of the mummy’s boy act. It genuinely makes me feel sometimes that he’s in love with his own bloody mother! Freud would be shaking the maracas in his grave! Couldn’t dare hurt poor mummy’s feelings. He’s a fucking wimp who needs to grow some balls. If I had known all those years ago that I was going to feel like this now, I wouldn’t have even bothered. I’d have turned to 17 year old Astrid and told her to run. Run from Margaret Jessop, she’ll like you for the next 4 years, but as soon as you move in with her precious little pumpkin, she’ll hang you out to try. But more importantly, run from Theodore bloody Jessop. He’ll be adorable now and make you believe that he’s the sweetest guy on the planet, but when you finally move in with him, he’ll treat you like some servant that he can fuck, a therapist that isn’t paid, and a girlfriend who clearly isn’t worth sticking up for. He isn’t who he says he is girl. Get out now whilst you still can, or I fear you’ll be stuck in the cycle forever with no way out.
December 24 th 2022
Merry Christmas to me.
Theo and I had gone to Welford Park’s Christmas Light Spectacle for Christmas eve. I’d noticed that he was acting really strange all night, jittery even. I thought at first it was because it was nearly minus temperatures and he’d forgotten to bring gloves, but even when we sat inside a little shack for some hot chocolate, his shakes didn’t seem to stop. I asked him time and time again whether he was okay, and he just responded with a grunt. Typical man. Much to his disbelief, I did care whether he was okay or not. We opted to take our drinks to go and finish the trail. We got to this absolutely beautiful section with a giant chandelier hanging from one of the trees, made out of twinkling golden lights. It was just the two of us, and dare I say for the first time in a while, romantic. His shakes however, were out in full force then. He looked like bloody Elvis Presley. Again, I asked him what was wrong and he grunted. But his hands were vibrating so quickly that he ended up lobbing the remnants of his scorching hot chocolate ALL over my white teddy coat. Thankfully, I didn’t get burned, but I did get angry.
I was sick of this sudden lack of communication, if something is wrong, TELL ME. I couldn’t cope with this any longer. The relationship felt so one-sided now. He was a far cry away from the boy I first fell in love with. Do you know what was even worse? HE LAUGHED after it happened. Where were the mysterious shakes now? Was he just out to spite me? I needed to think things through desperately. I knew I couldn’t break up with him on Christmas day, that would be cruel. But with the rate everything was going downhill right now, I needed an out at some point. I didn’t know who he was anymore.
My heart shatters into a million pieces as I relive that night. Probably one of the worst nights of my life. I’m a mix of embarrassment, guilt, shame, and anger all at once. I knew I’d miffed off Astrid with the roast dinner mistake, I knew I should have stuck up for her to my mum back then, I regretted it all and I could understand her frustration. However, I had no idea how much she seemed to absolutely despise me and berate me for it. Don’t get me wrong, Astrid is an open book. She says what she thinks, and these days, she’d probably called me all the names under the sun in the heat of the moment. But back then? Back then, I had no clue that she was feeling that way, not that early. I feel like someone has ripped the VR headset from my face and I’m suddenly exposed to the bleakness of reality. The filter has been removed and now I can see things clearly. She hated me. It was one of the hardest pills I’d ever had to swallow. If you didn’t know I was her partner and you read that, you’d have thought she was talking about her absolute sworn enemy. I have to bite the inside of my cheeks and try and hold back the pathetic tears as my mind catapults back to Christmas eve. She had it all wrong. I wasn’t shaky all night because I was a weirdo, unwell, or because I was purposely trying to sabotage her night. I was anxious as fuck because I was deciding where to do it….where to pop the question. I guffaw even thinking about that right now, how we were in completely different universe’s surrounding our relationship and I didn’t even know.
To me, we were just having a few little hiccups, some standard teething problems that most couple’s get when they first move in together. But for the most part, it was amazing. We’d been together for over 4 years, so I thought it was the perfect time, and what more of a magical day to get engaged than Christmas Eve at a light spectacle? The fact it didn’t even cross her mind that that’s what I might have been planning, is madness to me. She was so quick to go for the jugular, to assume there was a problem and then by default, create one. Of course I didn’t mean to throw hot chocolate all over her for god’s sake, I was actually trying to pull out the ring from my coat pocket. But I could hardly say, “Here Astrid, you just hold this, whilst I get your engagement ring out of my pocket.” It would have ruined the moment instantly, but I guess I ruined it before it even begun. As soon as I dropped my drink on her, I knew I couldn’t go through with it. The anxiety was too much, I’d worked myself up about it into an oblivion, and as things started to dwindle in our relationship as the months went on, I didn’t think it seemed right anymore. The ring was sitting in its box, concealed by a plastic bag, and hidden behind my jumpers at the back of my wardrobe. It didn’t feel right to sell it, but I also never wanted Astrid to find it either. Thankfully, so far, she hadn’t. Clearly, from what I’ve read, if I thought I was embarrassed then, can you imagine how embarrassing that would be for her to discover now.
It was fair to say, there was a fine line between my sadness and anger. She wanted to break up with me back then and I didn’t even know. Poor pathetic Theo stumbles about on a proposal whilst his girlfriend is considering giving him the boot. I knew I wasn’t perfect. She didn’t need to tell me that. But I couldn’t get over how she continued to stay with me when she’d not been happy for that long. Was she just stringing me along all this time? You know what, fuck this stupid ‘talk’ or ‘truce.’ I hurl the book onto the floor in one sweep. There was nothing more left to say.
Maybe she was right. Maybe I was pathetic, pathetic for ever thinking that she even loved me in the first place.