Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
JUNIPER
I arranged a rideshare over to the nearest heat clinic and booked in for a checkup about my symptoms. It had been almost a week since my heat was supposed to have ended, and I needed to stop these spikes.
After a long wait, I found myself sitting on a sterile bed while an omega doctor asked me questions. Dr. Keene was tall, with dark skin and hair pulled back into a tight bun.
“You just went through a heat?” she asked, staring at me over the edge of a clipboard.
I nodded.
“I see. And this heat proceeded and ended normally?”
“Yup,” I said, shifting in my chair.
Technically, the heat suppressors I’d taken were maybe a little bit banned. The doctor looked at me over her glasses.
“Ms. Anders, please remember that everything we talk about here is confidential. If you’ve taken any drugs, legal or otherwise, I’m asking to understand how to help you. That information won’t leave this room.”
Oh shit. She knew.
“Okay.” I took a deep breath. “Well, I was almost done, and I needed to end it early, so I thought if I took a heat suppressor it would help?”
I chewed my lip.
“I actually took three.”
The doctor wrote something down on her clipboard, then turned back to me.
“Unfortunately, based on your symptoms, you took a heat suppressor that works by flooding your body with more pre-heat signals. When you are in pre-heat, this has the effect of prolonging the pre-heat phase. By taking it when you did—at the end of your heat—the flood of pre-heat signals appears to have triggered your heat cycle to start again.”
“Oh,” I said, dismayed. Another heat. And it was my fault. My failure, as an omega, because I wasn’t even able to handle one fucking heat by myself.
So I’d fucked it up, and I’d taken advantage of Vander and then Kit.
“I’m sorry you felt you were in a position that you had to take drastic action like that,” Dr. Keene said, her voice soft. I nodded numbly, guilt twisting in me again. It wasn’t like I was being attacked, or escaping danger. I’d done it because Jhin had told me I was beautiful. Because he’d used my name. So stupid.
“Based on your symptoms, I would guess your heat will start in the next two or three days. I can run some blood work if you need a more accurate timeline.”
“No, I don’t think I need that,” I said, a low, thrumming fear building in my stomach. I couldn’t do another heat. The memories of my last one were still so vivid. So painful, and it was so fucked up because, despite everything, I still only wanted one pack.
“Do you have arrangements, Ms. Anders? We can see if we can book you in here.”
How ironic. I’d come here for investment on keeping omegas safe during heats, when I couldn’t even manage this myself.
I was a fraud.
For one mad second, I considered her offer. Just coming here and taking the drugs.
But fuck no. Even the thought of that, of lying there while the darkness took me was enough to make me nauseous.
“N—no. Thanks,” I said, standing up. “I’ll be okay.”
I felt numb as I walked out of the clinic.
I arranged for another rideshare to take me to the Safe House, where I went into one of the spare rooms and got out my phone. I needed to start the process of finding a pack.
I felt sick whenever I looked at my phone.
My mind kept circling back to them, every memory painful. I’d managed to push Kit’s bond to the back of my mind, desperately trying to ignore it, but it was there. Impossible to ignore, glowing like a silver star in the blackened night sky.
Until it faded completely, there was no avoiding it.
As much as it pained me, I needed to escape it—to escape him.
No matter how far I ran, no matter how much I fought to forget him, I knew it wasn’t an option. I couldn’t just walk away without looking back.
I couldn’t just leave him.
A shaky breath wracked my chest, and I swallowed hard.
I needed a way out, a way to make this madness end. I couldn’t do it on my own, but there were ways of cutting them out if I really tried.
If I had to…
A twisted thought bloomed in my mind, one that came with a wave of nausea. If I was going to escape the Argo pack and Kit, I would need more help than I cared to admit. More help than I wanted.
It was risky, and it would cost so much, but what other option did I have?
I curled up on myself, running through the idea over and over, but despite its flaws, it had gripped me and wasn’t letting go. It was so selfish, and yet its own punishment as well. Perhaps I’d finally be where I belonged.
My mind made up, my feet moved of their own volition.
“Luna, I’m borrowing your car!” I called as I grabbed her keys and left the house. I was going to the Institute.
* * *
I sat in the parking lot of the Institute, clutching the steering wheel tightly.
I needed out. A clean break. Something to stop the pain that came every time I thought of them, something that could get me through this heat without them.
Vander had given me the answer last night as we sat on the mattress together. “ When I scented him, it was the first time—ever—that I didn’t think of Jhin. He’s like a balm.”
A scent match could make me forget. And the Valentine Division of the Institute was designed to help omegas find a scent match.
It wasn’t forbidden, but gold pack omegas didn’t come to the Valentine Division often.
First of all, it cost a lot of money.
But… I still had some savings. My heart wrenched when I thought of how it would shave off a few extra months that we could stay open, but what was the use of prolonging the inevitable? I could spend it on this.
Besides the cost, there was our social status. Packs that submitted their scents to the Valentine Division may not want a gold pack. But still, there might be some that would.
And the last reason was that—if I was being honest—it was a stupid idea for a gold pack to opt into a scent match. We knew there were things that would push even the most Angel-like alpha to try to dark bond us.
Scent matches were biology—they didn’t equal love. Or even always like. You could scent match a dick. Vander’s face popped into my head and I pushed it away.
The problem was, dangling a scent match in front of a pack; a one-and-only, never again, irresistible temptation—and then trying to walk away?
They had a way to stop you. To control you.
A gold pack omega would have to be dumb or desperate to willingly roll those dice.
I was fucking desperate.
I took a breath.
Kit. Jhin. Vander. Ez. Adrian. I pictured their faces, and the pain that blossomed in my chest pushed me to finally move.
I got out of the car, hugging myself, and walked up the cold stone steps to the rotating door.
The building was massive, and I’d only been here once before, to get my photo taken as I registered for my AORN. The memory was not a pleasant one.
I took another breath and walked up to the front desk.
“Hello. I’m looking for the Valentine Division?” I asked.
The clerk didn’t look up and pointed to the board next to her. I walked down the halls until I found the registration desk.
“Oh, you’re gold pack. Don’t get a lot of those here. Do you have an appointment, dear?" said the next clerk. She was a plump beta with thick, purple glasses and blue hair. She was also the first person who I’d ever met here who’d greeted me with a smile.
“No,” I said, feeling stupid. “But this is an emergency.”
She chuckled.
“Don’t hear that one very often, either. I’ll see what we can do, okay? We do have a cancellation, and the samples are already prepared,” she assured me, clicking away on her computer. Her voice dropped to a mutter, and I wasn’t really sure if she was talking to me or herself. “Hmm, but you’re gold pack so we’d have to cross reference that.” She frowned, clicking on the screen before her face lit up with a grin. “Oh, a lot of them didn’t exclude that. You’re lucky, you know, with all the high-profile gold packs showing up in the news, we’re getting lots more packs willing to expand their match options. Okay, I could slot you in, but you’d have to be okay with the selections the other omega made. That means the price as well.”
“What selections?” I asked. She clicked some more and a sheet of paper printed behind her. She put it onto a clipboard and handed it to me.
“Just review these here. Look, give me your card and I can start running the background check just in case.”
“Oh, just so you know, though, they do require the payment up front.” Her eyes turned sympathetic. “You’re aware of the cost, right?”
“I know it’s…pricey,” I said.
She turned her screen so I could see it and I blanched at the number she showed.
Shit.
That was nearly all my savings.
I took several shallow breaths, feeling lightheaded, but I steeled my resolve.
If this was what it took to forget about Kit and his new pack, so be it. I’d do it.
“Okay, we take a 10% deposit now, and the rest after. If you don’t get a match, you’ll only have to pay another 70% but if you do, it’ll be the full amount.
I nodded.
Three hours later, I was being led into a room filled with small vials of scent samples. I tested one after another, my hope falling with each one.
Then I stopped, my stomach dropping.
I didn’t think I’d believe it would happen until this moment.
A scent that changed the world.
“That one,” I said, pointing at the sample. The scents there had hit me like a wave, crashing through my despondent thoughts and offering a breath of fresh air. New purpose. Be with them .
My pack. I pulled the sample closer, breathing it in again, because, like Vander had said, for a second it was all I could think of.
“Ah. Sample 5763. Congratulations, Miss Anders, on your scent match. Let me go and fetch the pack’s information for you.”
Shit.
It was done.
There . I could stop fucking thinking about Kit. About the Argo pack. About how much I missed them. About how much I wanted Kit next to me, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze.
I raised the sample to my nose again, trying to focus on the scents, and it washed over me, cleansing me.
I had to move forward.
Someone came to collect me, and I filled out some more paperwork, then arranged for the rest of the payment.
“Ah. Here you go, Miss Anders. We’re just contacting them now. The pack lead’s number is on the file, and they’ll be receiving yours too.”
“Thanks,” I said, clutching the folder to my chest.
I still hadn’t opened it by the time I got into the car.
I took out my phone and winced at the amount of unanswered texts. Seeing the missed calls from Jhin, I put the phone down again and opened the pack’s file.
Pack Carlisle:
Valerie Carlisle
Rick Gideon
Jake Gideon
Lewis Reid
Curious, I picked up the first page on the pack lead.
Valerie Carlisle
I blinked down at the picture—a selfie. She was gorgeous, her long, blond hair swept up in a sleek ponytail, with large gold hoops dangling from her ears. Her makeup was impeccable, and she was looking at the camera with a cool gaze, one of her elegant, arched eyebrows raised.
I was a bit surprised to see a female alpha as pack lead, but honestly I didn’t care. This pack had the power to erase all the pain from my mind.
I scanned the rest of the pack. They were all attractive: Rick and Jake were brothers, both with dark hair and strong jawlines. Lewis had light brown curls and a smug smile that reminded me of Vander.
Don’t think of Vander .
They were my mates. My future. My absolution.
Their address was an apartment in the center of New Oxford, not too far from where I’d had my disastrous meeting. I’d meet them. I’d secure a bond. They’d take me back to their apartment—probably much bigger than my current one—and fuck my brains out for this stupid repeat heat.
I couldn’t really picture it. It seemed distant. Cold.
Not like the warmth of my apartment, where I’d slip back into my nest with Kit, or on the sofa with my head on Ez’s chest.
Don’t think of them .
I should probably tell Kit that I was okay, though, or he’d come looking for me.
I took out my phone, and typed a message, deliberately not looking at any of the texts he’d sent.
Me: Hey. Sorry about today. Doctor said I re-triggered my heat, so I think it’s best if I stay away from you and the pack. I’m going to stay at the Safe House tonight. Please don’t come by. I should have left sooner. Hope you’re okay.
I hit send before I could crack and add something like ‘I’ll miss you’.
Then, I sighed and started the car. A ping of worry and guilt flashed through the bond, and I tried to shove it away again. My phone buzzed, a call coming through, but I cut it off.
I made my way back to the Safe House, where Luna invited me to watch a movie. I mumbled some excuse and retreated to my room.
It was empty, much too open, so I crawled to the closet. The Safe House always had spare nesting supplies, and I raided the stash. I shoved a couple of pillows above me, burying myself, because any space reminded me that I was alone.
I hugged a hot water bottle and finished tucking a weighted blanket over my legs, finally feeling a little more safe.
I was staring down at my hands, and the small, glowing keychain with the bobbing fish. I pressed the LED button and stared as it lit up, the movement of the water and dim light soothing me almost as much as the blankets, but with an added burden of guilt. I’d gotten rid of their stolen scents, but I wasn’t strong enough to let this go.
My phone buzzed, and I freed my arm, tugging it from between my legs.
Unknown: Hello, Juniper? This is Valerie! I can’t tell you how excited I am that we finally got a scent match!
Numbly, I started typing out a reply. I needed to not be alone.