This Side of Beautiful

Chapter Five

janae

March 9

The aftermath of being under the influence always hurt. My temples usually pounded viciously, my mouth was dry as cotton, and my body ached from head to toe. This morning had been no different. I’d been sober for three years. Over a thousand days of struggling not to take a sip, a puff, or a pill. Each day had been a challenge, and I’d thrown it all away because I didn’t believe Janae Warner was enough. I had old connects here, and I’d called one for Xanax bars and ecstasy. He’d shown up to my suite with a wide grin as we exchanged money and product.

I’d thought I could perform clean. Five minutes before I stepped on the stage, my hands had trembled so badly that I’d dropped the bars twice before I placed them under my tongue. I’d cursed my weakness, my defective mind, and allowed the drug to take effect, and I didn’t let anyone down except myself.

I squeezed my eyes shut trying to stem the tears before they could fall. What was wrong with me? All that therapy meant nothing when I was faced with the real world. I turned over and curled into a fetal position. Cool sheets brushed against my bare skin. Only lace panties hugged my hips. Which man did I sleep with last night? He must have slipped my panties to the side, though I felt no traces of the aftermath. At least he’d used a condom, whoever he was. Probably Cash. He’d found excuses to touch my ass and my hips, and I allowed it before my brain became foggy. “A Lonely Woman” was a song I’d written and my personal anthem for how I felt most of my life. After I’d killed the show, I didn’t want to be alone at the pinnacle of my night, even if it meant being with an asshole.

I slowly opened my eyes, almost afraid to see whom I’d slept with. Only empty, rumpled white satin sheets greeted me. I scanned the large, exquisitely decorated blue-and-white suite that opened into an expansive balcony. This room didn’t seem like Cash’s style. The midmorning sun’s brightness burned my eyes, and I squinted to decipher where and with whom I’d landed.

It wasn’t the first time I’d woken up disoriented. I’d just hoped my last time, more than three years ago, had actually been my last time. God’s grace had kept me for fourteen years of mostly reckless sexual behavior, and I didn’t plan to test him again when my life was starting to line up.

Then, the shower, which had been incomprehensible background noise, suddenly became clear once the faucets were turned off. I pulled the sheets around me and pushed up against the cushioned headboard to see which lecherous man had used my lack of inhibitions to his advantage.

Landon walked out of the bathroom, bare-chested except for the large white towel wrapped around his waist. His dark caramel skin glistened from the shower’s spray. His clothes, which were always a tad too large, had clearly hidden his natural, muscular frame. Landon even had a well-defined Adonis belt that led to his large manhood outlined underneath the white towel. This man with the thick, wild curls on top of his head that I longed to touch had transformed from an attractive nerd to a man I wanted to have. Possibly again.

“Wait… not you?” I said aloud before I realized it. Landon didn’t seem the type to take advantage of a woman. “Did we have sex?”

Startled, Landon pulled out his earbuds. “Good morning.” The rich timbre of his voice evoked chill bumps on my skin. “Sorry about walking out like this. Thought you’d sleep longer.”

He hurried to the large walk-in closet and didn’t reappear until he had donned a T-shirt and cargo shorts and held another pair of shorts and a tank in his hand.

Landon passed me the clothes from the side of the bed. “Elastic should hold up the shorts. I might be able to find a safety pin. The tank might dip lower than you prefer, but you’ve worn less in public.”

“Where’s my dress?” I pressed the clothes to my chest. He seemed to be evading the question of whether we’d had sex or not.

Landon looked away and grabbed his watch off the nightstand. “Got ripped.”

“Ripped?” Was the sex that wild?

His gaze narrowed. “What do you remember?”

I shook my head. “Going inside Porter House.”

“That’s it? You don’t remember my fighting with you and Cash, and trying to bring you back to your hotel?”

“No. You fought with Cash?” I looked around the suite that opened up to a large balcony with a lake and woods in the background . “How did I get here if you tried to get me back to my hotel?”

“I wasn’t trying to get you. I was trying to protect you.”

“From Cash? What happened?”

Landon sucked his teeth. “Such a waste.”

“Fuck you.” I hurriedly pulled the tank over my head, ignoring the pounding headache that returned with a vengeance now that he’d insulted me.

“Fuck me? What’s wrong with you?” He backed up.

“Oh, you can have sex with me, but I’m a waste?”

Landon’s hands went up. “Hold up. We didn’t have sex. You ripped off your own dress because, according to you, it was too tight. You tried to come on to me right before you passed out. I covered you up and slept on top of the covers beside you. Nothing happened. I prefer my women fully conscious and able to consent.”

Women? He had women? The geeky man who seemed to avoid conversation, always wore a hat, and was awkward in a crowd had women ? Then again, Landon Hayes was an attractive, wealthy, musically gifted man, and judging from his recent nakedness, he was a hot one. A woman could do a whole lot worse. I had done a whole lot worse.

He studied his feet. “You’re not a waste, though I question your decisions. I meant Cash. I hate men like him. He believes his half-assed talents mean he deserves whoever he wants, whether she wants him back or not. Brags about being disrespectful to women.”

“Well, I’ve been dealing with men like him my entire career. I could tell you stories that’d make you blush.”

“Why do you allow it? You’re too strong and fierce for men’s bullshit egos.” He seemed only curious, not judgmental.

“Do I really have a choice? A flirt there, a little sex there, and I get closer to my goals.”

Landon shook his head. “Isn’t that how a prostitute thinks?”

And there’s the judgment . “Stop insulting me. I get it. You don’t respect me, and in two months, you’ll never have to speak to me again.” I tried to rise too quickly from bed and fell back from my throbbing temples. “Ouch… my head is killing me.”

“I wasn’t insulting you. I was stating a fact. Prostitutes flirt and have sex to make money. Money is always their goal. Sounds like it is for you, too. It really shouldn’t be. You’re far too talented to believe people will only see that if you’re being sexual.”

I wanted to snarl, but that would take too much energy. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand. You can dress like you already do and barely speak, yet you are an acclaimed musician. If I’m quiet, I’m stuck-up. If I’m noisy, I’m too much. I want to be respected for my talent, just like you. Ain’t no one checking for the ones who refuse to sell sex anymore.” I rubbed my temples. “You have something for a headache?”

“We agree to disagree on that one.” He pointed to a cup on the bedside table. “I made that for you. Thought you might wake up in pain.”

I sniffed it, and it surprisingly smelled like lemon. “Please say this is a hot toddy. My cure is usually coffee laced with Amaretto.”

“Janae.” He picked up a black bandana from the bench at the end of the bed and covered his hair. The wrap emphasized his hazel bedroom eyes, the angular shape of his face, and his keen nose.

“Damn, Landon. When did you get all fine and sexy?” I gestured to his face and body. “I had no idea you were hiding all that under your hat and clothes.”

He blushed. “I don’t hide.”

I clapped my hands. “So adorbs. You’re actually red in the face.”

Landon gestured to the cup sternly. “Drink it all down. I won’t contribute to your destruction.”

“So dramatic.” I rolled my eyes and sipped on the lukewarm, bitter liquid. “I taste the turmeric and ginger. Not bad.”

“There’s pepper, too. It should ease your headache,” he added, and held on to the corner of the bed as he slid his feet into loafers.

“Is this what you use the next day?” I asked, curious about whether he drank or used anything. Most people in this business did. The Hollow Bones had indulged at least in alcohol. In the past two days, I’d noticed that he only drank water.

He looked at me. “I don’t drink.”

“Ever?”

“I don’t like the taste. Don’t understand why people want to get wasted or trashed. At the gala, you were sober, weren’t you? That’s why you wear that coin around your neck.” Landon’s unblinking gaze forced me to look down.

“Yes.” I held the cup with both hands and ingested more of his home remedy, unhappy at the reminder I no longer deserved to wear the coin that hung awkwardly around my neck, taunting me.

“And I’d never seen you more beautiful. I couldn’t stop staring, as you so eloquently pointed out.”

His soft-spoken compliment might have been the most arousing words I’d ever heard in my life, even more so because the intent was pure and honest. My stomach clenched painfully like it had at the gala, and the undercurrent of desire between us now danced as we looked at each other. All I had to do was lie back on this bed and wait for him to take me. Except Landon wasn’t that aggressive male. Just because I’d noticed him sexually, that wouldn’t suddenly change his personality.

“Why would you ever it again when so much ugliness comes from it? Please don’t.” It was a plea I’d heard many times over the years. Yet his quiet demand hit differently.

I crawled toward the end of the bed, and his chest heaved up and down as he watched me warily. I kneeled when I reached the edge. His tank hung loose around my breasts and barely covered my ass. The plush bench at the end of the bed became a barrier. “It was just a slide. One that I regret. Imagine having your first performance in over three years in front of that large hometown crowd. A place that doesn’t have the best memories. Then I messed up the rehearsal because I couldn’t control my emotions. I had to make sure I wouldn’t screw up the show. It wasn’t just me on the stage. I had a moment, it won’t happen again, and now I’m good.”

Landon’s brows rose. “Good? Are you sure? We have ten more shows starting next month. The last one is in Los Angeles. That’s your town, too, correct?”

“Yep.” I tried to sound more upbeat than I felt. “They love me there.”

He tapped the bench almost rhythmically before he spoke again. “They loved you at the gala and would’ve loved you last night if you gave it a chance. Yet you had to take something. It wasn’t just alcohol, Janae.”

“And I won’t take anything else. Can we move on?” I raised the bottom of the tank over my hips. His eyes drifted down for a second too long, and he bit the corner of his bottom lip. The temperature shifted dangerously in the room when he dragged his gaze back to mine. I softly said, “I’m fully conscious now.”

Landon’s brow furrowed deeply. “I’m not interested.”

Unperturbed by his blatant lie, I planted my hands on my hips and tilted my head. “No one has to know.”

“I would know.” He picked up his hat from the bench. “I don’t blur the lines.”

“Then why did you bring me to your bed instead of mine?”

“I didn’t know where else to take you.” He lifted up his shirt enough to show me four raggedy scratches on his taut side. “You fought me when I carried you out of the restaurant and then refused to tell me where you were staying once I managed to secure you in my car. You almost got my face, but I blocked you.”

I covered my mouth briefly. “Oh, shit. Was all that caught on camera?”

Landon didn’t blink.

“Why didn’t Del cut?” I scrambled out of bed, searching for my phone, anxious to call my manager and curse him out for not protecting me.

“You know how this works. The messier, the better. Cash kept putting his hands on you at the restaurant, and you seemed uncomfortable. You even hit his hand when he tried to grope you. He grabbed your waist when you were completely wasted and prepared to go. I didn’t want anything to happen to you. I stopped him by knocking him out and grabbing you over my shoulders like a caveman because you refused to leave the restaurant. I’m sure by now what happened went viral, so if I were Del, I wouldn’t have cut either. Your bad behavior is a dream for reality TV.”

I walked back to him. “Landon, I don’t want them to see me like that.”

“Then move differently,” he said, as if that were the simplest thing to do when habits were hard to break and change near impossible.

I sank back on the bed. “What did Cedrick and the rest of the band say?”

He whistled. “Not good. I stayed in here with you so I wouldn’t have to hear their complaints when they stumbled back in the wee hours of the morning. They don’t want to work with you anymore.”

“What did Del say?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to him. He’s probably champing at the bit. You just increased our ticket sales.” He placed his hat firmly on his head.

“Where are you going?” I already felt the sunlight dull. I didn’t want him to leave, though it was just as clear he didn’t want to stay.

“Need to play,” he reluctantly replied.

“Are you going somewhere to rehearse?” I hated the needy squeakiness in my voice.

“The studio downstairs.”

“What about me?”

He frowned. “What about you?”

“You’re just going to leave me hanging?” I gestured to my body. “You know I can’t come out of this room and not be gawked or glared at by them.”

“They are the least of your worries.”

“What do you mean?” I stepped closer, and this time, he stepped back.

“There are consequences for your behavior, Janae.”

“Trust me, I know.”

“Do you?” He raised the back of both his arms to show that I’d inflicted more scratches. “Three years away from all of this, and you apparently have learned nothing.”

Mortified at my actions against my one-time protector, I spat, “You don’t get to judge me. You don’t know what I’ve been through.”

“You’re right, and I don’t want or need to know. You make sure you show up and not out for the rest of these shows, or I’ll fire you myself. And the next time you’re in trouble and can’t see it, I won’t waste my time saving a woman who doesn’t want to be saved,” Landon said quietly before exiting the bedroom.

I grabbed the pillow, covered my mouth, and screamed until I was hoarse. I wanted to destroy the room, break every glass. I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted to hurt myself. Needed to hurt myself. The overwhelming desire to feel more pain swelled within, and I rushed into the bathroom, searching through the empty drawers of a rented home. Landon’s leather toiletry case rested on the counter next to the sink. He had to have a razor, because he shaved. I rummaged through the toothpaste and mouthwash, a few condoms, and grabbed the silver razor.

I pushed the lid on the toilet and sat down. I spread my thighs, prepared to slice myself in places no one could see. My old scars had healed and were so faint that they appeared more like stretch marks. The visible scars on my left wrist and forearm were covered with butterfly tattoos.

I closed my eyes, waiting for the sweet release from the agony. Then, as if a light switch had been flipped, my subconscious released what had happened the night before. The discomfort and disgust I’d felt whenever Cash touched me. And because I was high and drunk, I’d been leaving with a man I had no attraction to, to do things I wouldn’t have wanted to do but would’ve been too powerless to fight. Landon had calmly protected me from myself despite the insults I’d inflicted. He still refused to allow anything to happen to me. And he’d been a gentleman this morning even though he wanted me. Landon hadn’t let his body overrule his mind and heart.

Why would he be interested in a woman like me? A woman who had only demonstrated impulsivity and destruction. Cutting myself in his bathroom with his razor would further solidify his perception of me.

With a shaky hand, I placed the razor back in his bag. I washed my face and rinsed my mouth with his Listerine, then pulled on the too-big shorts that managed to grip my waist. I walked into the closet. His clothes were neatly folded in his open suitcase on the bench in the middle of the space, so I grabbed a discarded red Nike hoodie on the floor and pulled it over my head, smelling hints of Landon. He probably hadn’t offered the hoodie because he’d worn it. I found my heels, torn dress, and purse with my cell tucked inside on one of the shelves, then sat on the bench and pulled out my phone.

A pic of Landon with me over his shoulder leaving Porter House had flooded the internet. We were portrayed as a couple, and the gossip sites were saying he’d fought with Cash Black over me. I didn’t know how long I remained in his closet, sobbing over the fact that, two days back in the game, I’d already failed miserably.

When I tiptoed through the mansion on my way to the front door to catch an Uber under my pseudonym, a shirtless Cedrick walked down the hall toward me. Although more muscled and ripped than Landon’s, his chest didn’t affect me as Landon’s had. I saw a man who barely tolerated me and, after last night, probably hated me.

His gaze traveled up and down my body, and he snorted. “Should have realized Landon brought you here. He has a weakness for helpless women. Or women who pretend to be helpless to get the attention of men like him. Which one are you?”

“I have a headache, and I need to go.” I went to walk past him, though he partially blocked my path. “Move the hell out of my way.”

“Stay away from him.”

“Tell that to him.”

“You heard me.”

“And you heard me ,” I said loudly.

I resisted the urge to run from the negative, poisonous energy that bounced off Cedrick. I’d dealt with men like him most of my life. Arrogant, brilliant, controlling, selfish, and used to taking what they wanted no matter who was hurt. The type of man that Landon said he hated, yet he didn’t recognize those traits in his best friend.

“One more misstep, and you’re gone. I don’t care what Del promised you.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.” I glared at him. “Can I go now?”

When he didn’t budge, I shoved him away, and soon, I was riding in the back seat of a Toyota Prius on my way to my hotel, praying that my antics from last night would blow over soon. I belonged on that stage, and nothing would ever stop me again. Not even myself.

Once I returned to the hotel, determined to ignore any contracts I’d signed and run back to Los Angeles to recuperate, I threw my clothes in my suitcases, ignoring the cameras outside my suite. Del banged on the door, insisting that I open it, and when I didn’t, he convinced the hotel manager to let him in my room, citing his concern that I would hurt myself. The cameras followed as he stormed in, demanding answers.

“When I call you, you answer me,” Del yelled.

“I thought you worked for me.” I zipped my bag angrily.

He surveyed the room. “Where are you going? You’re supposed to be here until Monday.”

“Doing what? My show was last night.”

“Supporting The Hollow Bones. Your schedule included being here for them. Their last show is tomorrow night, and after what happened last night, your fans want to see you and Landon.”

“What exactly happened last night, Del? Huh?” Then I remembered the cameras. “I want them out of here. Now.” They continued to record, and I placed my hands over the lens of the closest one. “Get the hell out of here.”

Del waved his arms. “Go for now. I need to talk to her.”

The producer, who was also one of the cameramen, shook his head. “Del, we signed a contract. We already can’t follow Hollow Bones like you promised, and now this. We agreed to certain hours of recording and we can’t just stop because she wants us to stop. That’s not how this works, and you know that.”

Del wiped his brow. “ Please , give me a second.”

I pointed to the door, and they reluctantly left. When the door closed, I whirled around on him. “Do they work for you or me?”

He placed his hands on his waist. “You’re busting my balls. You asked for this. You wanted cameras to follow you, and these are the rules, especially for a fallen star trying to make a comeback. They can record whatever they want.”

“I also asked for the discretion to determine what could be recorded if past scheduled hours. They recorded everything last night instead of looking out for me.” I jabbed the air between us. “ You didn’t look out for me. Cash had ill intentions, I was out of it, and you knew it.”

Del dropped his hands. “Janae, I was out of it too. It was a good night, and I indulged a little too much. You arrived at the party with Cash and flirted with him for most of the night. You half listen when you’re sober, so you damn sure aren’t going to listen when you’re high. You practically beat up Landon as he hauled you out of the restaurant.”

His reminder of how I’d treated Landon, who’d stood up for me, only embarrassed me more. “I can’t do this. I can’t handle the pressure of performing with The Hollow Bones. They don’t want me here anyway.” I stalked to the bathroom to grab my toiletry bag. “Sorry for getting you into this mess. I’ll pay you back every dime for the shows you already booked and for the reality show. I’ll sell the house in Austin. Whatever I need to do to pay off my debt to The Hollow Bones and to you. I can’t be here anymore. This was a huge mistake. If I’m going to make my career happen again, it has to be me and only me.”

Once I stalked back into the bedroom, Del grabbed my shoulders. “You just had an amazing show. For a last-minute set, no dancers, no fluff, just straight bars and presence? You pulled it off. You’re trending. Your old albums, Janae, are rising up the charts after one performance. You wanted a comeback, and it’s happening better than I imagined. People love drama and a love story. Your fans believe one is happening between you and Landon. Give them what they want, since there’s chemistry between you. I’ve known him for years and have never seen him come out of his shell like he has for you.”

Ignoring my swell of happiness at Del’s observations, I shrugged. “There isn’t anything between me and him. He was just the only one to care enough to remove me from a potentially dangerous situation. I’m never working with Cash again.”

“You don’t have to, and I don’t want you to either. People aren’t talking about him anyway. It’s all you and Landon.”

I folded my arms. “Me and Landon? Or my performance?”

“Both. You stole the show from Cash, and Landon stole you from him. You’re like the next power couple. It’s your fault for kissing him on the stage in the first place and then leaving with Landon in a crowded restaurant like you did. What did you think would happen? Come on, Janae. I know all of this is overwhelming, but it is what you want.” I dipped my head, and he tilted it and studied my face. “Janae, don’t run away from your destiny again.”

Running my hand over my ponytail, I nodded.

Del smiled widely. “Listen, I’m going to smooth things with the band later, but I think you should cut a song with them to be released right before the ten-city tour starts.”

I scoffed. “They’ll never agree. They hate me.”

“They love fame and fortune more than they hate you. You need a song with an award-winning and respected band like them,” he reassured me. “You’re letting your nerves get the best of you. You already proved you still got it, and the fans know it, too. At least do these ten cities and a record with them, and then we can take it from there. If you’re done after that, we’ll cut our losses and move on. At least you won’t owe anyone.”

I shook my head. “I can’t use anymore. Three years wiped out just like that after one performance because it wasn’t just me on that stage.”

Del raised his hands. “That’s on you.”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s not just on me. I need help, Del. You know my history.”

“I do, but I can’t hold your hand. If you need your therapist or sponsor to travel with you, then I can arrange it. I’ll make sure the dressing rooms in each city are free of alcohol, weed, and other drugs. Other than that, it’s about the choices you make.” He picked up his phone. “Figure out whatever you need to do to stay clean, because you can’t quit, or you’ll be sued by everybody, including the insurance company I had to get before any venue would secure a date. You can’t afford to lose any more money. Selling your home in Austin wouldn’t begin to pay back who you would owe, including The Hollow Bones. They’ve already threatened me with lawsuits if you cancel on them again.”

I flopped back on my bed.

He held his phone to his ear. “What do you want me to tell the film crew?”

“I’ll talk to them.”

“Good girl.” He clapped. “I can’t get over how amazing you were last night. I need you to remember it, too. This is your dream, one that most people will never get to experience.”

I stared at the ceiling long after he left, rubbing the sobriety coin I’d worn proudly. I traced the Serenity Prayer engraved across it one last time before I snatched it from my neck.