Chapter Six
landon
The sting of the marks her nails left on me inspired my creative flow while I showered, and I couldn’t wait to play my guitar. Janae had been aggressive and mean, and I’d remained calm through it all. Usually, the exuberant expression of any emotion drew me into a shell like a scared tortoise. Janae’s wildness had incited my peace. The type of peace I experienced when I hit the perfect note. The constant gnawing inside me had vanished while I handled Cash and Janae.
How could that be? How could she erase years of anxiousness and discomfort by needing me, especially because she didn’t know she needed me?
I wasn’t the hero in anyone’s story. I had no desire to be the center of attention. I was more drawn to the secondary characters in a story than the protagonist, and yet I’d been the main attraction.
In the makeshift music studio, the panoramic view of the man-made lake surrounded by woods provided the perfect backdrop for our practice space. I smiled at the brightness of the day as I strummed the guitar and jotted down a few notes under the title. The title could possibly change, but the bittersweet twang of each pluck would remain.
I sensed his presence before he complimented me.
“Love it already.”
Without turning my head, I replied, “Yeah. No matter how we end up arranging it, the guitar will lead in on this one.”
Cedrick walked over, resting his hands on the edge of his setup. “You write my part yet?”
“No. Trying to get the notes right with the guitar first. Figured you might write it once you hear it.” I played a few more chords. “Might need to tighten it here.”
“Title?”
I shrugged. “‘Stuck Between.’”
Cedrick chuckled. “The way we are right now.”
“Maybe. I hear you and Brian, I really do. We can do trendy music. I just don’t want to lose the integrity of our music. Branford Marsalis thought a gig on The Tonight Show was the right exposure and choice. He left because the role of smiling sidekick didn’t work for him.”
“Ah… It seems to work for Jon Batiste on Colbert’s show.”
“You mean the show he no longer works for?” I reminded him.
Cedrick shook his head. “Beside the point, because those are not good examples. We’re not some sidekick to a white man. We’re creating our own music regardless of which direction we decide to go. It’s still our music. Our sound.”
I argued, “Are we pandering to what’s hot, what’s popular, or what feels intrinsically right? Backing up pop artists with music different from ours is one thing. Producing an album that doesn’t accurately reflect who The Hollow Bones really is would be a travesty. We’re a rhythmic soul band first, and we both know that soul isn’t always what’s hot on the radio.”
“A travesty or a smart business move?” He played around with the keys. “Like it or not, what you did last night with Janae has just placed The Hollow Bones in the middle of possible controversy, or maybe it was the smartest move ever. Have you seen anything since it happened?”
“No.” I tapped my guitar. “I don’t have social media for a reason.”
“You and Janae are the new ‘it’ couple, and people want more. New Orleans and Atlanta just sold out, thank you very much,” Cedrick announced. “Somebody even captured the kiss that Janae planted on you before she left the stage last night. You are Instagram official unless you state otherwise.”
“After one night?” I asked. “I figured that people might speculate that we were a couple who got into it, and sales would go up. Not all that.”
“Your reputation as an award-winning musician and leader of The Hollow Bones, and coming from music royalty, precedes you. You’ve been in this industry for years, and the man who’s never been seen with a woman is now fighting Cash Black in a classy restaurant over MILA after her surprise knockout return to the stage at the Rodeo. The headlines can’t get no better than that.” He snapped his fingers.
“She’s Janae Warner now,” I reminded him needlessly.
He rolled his eyes. “A name change doesn’t automatically change reputation. Her fanbase is different from ours. She’s from the top of the hip-hop and pop world, and our association with her means we’re on that path, too. If you don’t want the people to decide our music for us, then we need to get ahead of this.”
“What do you suggest? Because I really don’t have time for this.” I clenched and unclenched my jaw. I needed to create and not spend time determining how to market our band best. I took off my guitar and moved to the window.
“You make it clear it’s not a love match. You and Janae are friends only, and she had too much to drink. You and Cash Black had words about the show. He’ll probably appreciate your saying something, or otherwise, the story will be he got his ass handed to him for trying to take advantage of a star.” Cedrick chuckled. “I didn’t know you had it in you. I’ve known you for fifteen years and never seen you fight.”
“It wasn’t a fight.” I scowled. “And I’m not releasing a statement. I don’t do public speaking,”
He walked up beside me and leaned against the window, facing me. “We go to our Hollow Bones IG page and do a Live. Our fans would love to hear you speak, especially about Janae. They would eat that shit up.”
“You know I don’t do that. Ever.” The gnawing increased. Speaking to the public frightened me into that scared little boy I’d been during my childhood, and it didn’t matter if there was no actual audience before me. “Get Del to do it.”
“He won’t. Del loves the narrative. His gamble on her is paying off. I could hear the dollar signs as he raved about pairing us with Janae for more shows.”
I glanced at him and back at the serene lake. “We’re not doing more shows than we already agreed to. She can’t handle all this. The more shows we do, the more likely she will implode or explode sooner or later. Either one isn’t good for her, or for us.” I lifted my hat enough to scratch my head.
Cedrick pressed his hand against the window. “I guess you would know what’s best for her. I saw her leaving your bedroom a while ago before she caught a ride. I thought you were taking her back to her hotel. Isn’t that what you yelled loudly as you threw her over your shoulder?”
“She didn’t want to tell me where she stayed, and then she said she didn’t want to be alone.” I closed my eyes and imagined physically fighting whatever gnawed at my stomach. “Nothing happened.”
“Nothing? Janae exudes sex. She kissed you on stage in front of thousands. You were her hero last night, and you still didn’t get any?” Cedrick laughed and squeezed my shoulder. “Bro, have I taught you anything ?”
My eyes popped open, and I glared at him. “She wanted to last night and this morning. I didn’t want to.”
“What?” His head snapped back. “Why?”
“She was fucked up. I thought you knew I don’t move like that.” I looked at him pointedly. “I hope you don’t either. The Hollow Bones don’t need any sex scandal attached to us with so much riding on our future.”
“If that’s the case, you need to leave Janae alone and not just for the cameras.” He strode back to his instrument and ran his hands across the keys like a child who didn’t yet know how to play. “We both know she’s trouble. We lost money the last time we worked with her, which we never recouped.”
I grumbled, “Don’t interrupt my flow with this bullshit. I came down here for peace and music.”
Cedrick’s hands went up. “Woah, we’re only having a conversation. This won’t be the last time she’ll do something stupid. You’ll want to protect her every time. You were ready to fight Cash at the rehearsal and hit him at the after-party. All because of Janae’s actions.”
I raised my voice. “I couldn’t let him disrespect her, or worse, rape her.”
“She’s a grown-ass woman who can choose how she wants to move. You can’t save her from herself. All that does is keep you hooked to a woman who’s no good for you.” He added in a quieter tone, “I know you, bro.”
“No, you don’t.” I twisted my neck to release the tension building there. Cedrick and I didn’t argue or fight. “As you so eloquently put it, I’m a grown-ass man who doesn’t need any advice from you about Janae or any other woman.” Although I had just told Janae I wouldn’t save a woman who didn’t want to be saved, I didn’t want to admit that to Cedrick, whose smugness grated on my nerves.
His brows rose. “One night with her, and you have balls now?”
“I’m done talking about Janae. Play or leave.”
Cedrick blew a raspberry and counted off. When I began strumming the first chord, he easily picked up the rhythm. The tension dissipated as the music permeated the studio. I disappeared into the melody, hoping we wouldn’t continue fighting over Janae yet accepting that we probably would.
Later that night, I chilled alone by the pool, wearing only basketball shorts. My hands were propped behind my head as I studied the midnight-blue sky. Being outside was my way of unwinding. I’d loved astronomy since I received my first telescope when I was six. I loved whenever I had a moment to admire the universe. If I were ever brave enough to ink my skin, I would definitely have a crescent moon or some representation of the celestial.
Needing this solitude to recharge before our show tomorrow night, I stared up at the stars, the planets, and the large yellow moon, which was presenting tonight as a crescent — my favorite view of it. The moon fascinated me because it was always round, but we saw different versions depending on its orbit or rotation. Like me, I was always Landon, yet people saw a different version depending on my environment and mood.
The first time I recognized the beauty of a clear, dark sky full of sparkles was when I was about seven years old. Growing up in Brooklyn and currently living in Harlem seldom offered me an unobstructed, clear view of the night. Maybe I should have bought some property in the South, or somewhere else where I could enjoy God’s beauty. The gnawing didn’t exist in the presence of greatness.
“I guess you don’t like answering your phone.”
A clean-faced, ponytailed Janae, wearing my hoodie and a pair of black leggings, stood behind my lounger and smiled down at me.
“Not when I’m playing music or enjoying the galaxy,” I answered.
She looked up at the sky. “That sounds like how I’m fascinated with butterflies. They seem so mystical. Reminds me that there’s something so much greater than me.”
“Truly beautiful.” I admired her.
Janae smiled as she returned her attention to me.
“You look funny from this angle. Almost alien-like,” I teased.
She giggled. “So do you.”
“How did you get in? It’s just me here. The others are running the streets.”
“I texted Brian, looking for you. He gave me the code.”
“Brian?” I raised a brow. I wasn’t aware they had exchanged numbers. Then again, he’d been less vocal whenever we discussed Janae.
She shrugged. “He might be the only one besides you in the band who doesn’t hate me.”
“Quite possibly.” I gazed at her before admitting, “I’m glad you’re here. I didn’t think I would see you again until New Orleans next month.”
She glanced around the backyard and then back at me. “When I left here this morning, I didn’t think I would ever see you again.”
“Canceling on us?” I asked without any bite.
“I was. I don’t handle rejection and failure well,” she admitted. “I was about to give up on myself and my dreams, which is my prerogative. There’s a reason I don’t have friends. I can get stuck in my head and forget I don’t operate in isolation. But this tour isn’t just about me. This is your showcase, your journey too, and your opportunity to grow your fanbase and for those fans to see how mad talented you are. The pressure of disappointing myself and The Hollow Bones got the best of me, and I wanted to run.”
“What changed?”
She smiled shyly. “I wanted to be the type of woman you would be interested in.”
Our upside-down gazes locked as her words set my heart pounding.
“Come again?” I asked. “You didn’t even know me two nights ago.”
She sighed. “I knew you, Landon. I couldn’t remember your becomes sometimes my memory gets foggy. I’ve been under the influence since I was fourteen and it’s taken its toll on me. Add three years of mostly solitude on top of that. I have to learn how to be among the living again.” She moved to the end of my lounger, tapping my bare foot so she could sit. “After you left your bedroom, I remembered everything that happened last night. I was awful to you, and you never lost your temper or deserted me. Didn’t take advantage of me and even temporarily healed me with that God-awful drink. I scratched you and never once apologized or seemed grateful that you’d saved me from Cash. So, I’m telling you right now, to your face, that I’m sorry, and thank you.”
I touched her back with my foot lightly. “You don’t have to apologize or thank me.”
“I do.” She smiled sadly before staring out at the pool. “For three years, I’ve been afraid to step back on that stage, scared to be booed. Scared that I would ruin my performance. Scared that my talent was a fluke. Scared I would never feel what I felt again last night. I went from a superstar who owned the charts to the pariah of pop music. I know everything that happened was my fault. I messed with the wrong man and destroyed my career and my relationship because I didn’t know how to handle fame… my greatness.”
I quietly watched her confessing her flaws and mistakes without airs or attitude. She wanted to be honest with me, and I instinctively knew this wasn’t easy for her.
“During the rehearsal, you were the only one who encouraged me and stood up for me. You defended me, though I’d already given you reasons not to. Then you did it again at the restaurant, even after I relapsed. You didn’t just discard me or believe I wasn’t worthy of being saved or cared for.” Her eyes sparkled like the stars above. “I want this so bad. I want the career I should’ve had if I hadn’t allowed my insecurities to run amok.” Janae straightened her shoulders and met my eyes. “I want to perform the right way. Without alcohol or drugs.”
“Have you ever performed sober?”
“When I was a kid.” She looked down at the ground.
“Then be that little kid every time you perform.” I tapped her back with my foot again. “Find that innocent girl who only knew her talent.”
“Don’t think I’ve ever been innocent.” She squeezed my foot, and I tucked it under my leg. Her head jerked back. “Are you so upset that I can’t touch you?”
“Don’t really like people touching my feet.” I averted my gaze to the pool. “I’m sensitive.”
“I wasn’t going to tickle you, but say less. I don’t want to touch your crusty feet anyway.” She believed I was embarrassed by my feet instead of realizing the truth, that I wasn’t comfortable being touched. Period. “I’m not used to rejection from men. Lately, that’s all I’ve been receiving, or at least it’s what it feels like. I didn’t blame you when you told me you weren’t interested. Why would you want a woman who can’t get on that stage without doing something? What would a decent man like you want with a wreck of a woman? Yet, for some reason, I like being around you, like that I can be myself, and I haven’t had that in a long time. So, I figured you could be my guide. Like my moral compass while we’re on this road together.”
I shook my head. “I’m not anyone’s guide. I’m just as uncomfortable as you on that stage. I’m only relaxed when that guitar is in my hand and when a hat is on my head. If it wasn’t for Cedrick, I doubt we would be as big as we are. Maybe I could enjoy life more if I drank or took something.”
“Why don’t you?” She held her hand up. “Not encouraging you to, just noticed that the other guys have no problems using. Had a bad trip or something?”
“Naw. Don’t want to start something that I can’t stop. So, I live with this uneasiness and edge and do my best to keep it under control. My discomfort is kinda my comfort now,” I admitted.
She quirked a brow. “You were about to have a panic attack at the gala when I called you over, weren’t you? No judgment if you were. I was about to have one before I went inside.”
I didn’t tell her I’d observed her initial nervousness outside the convention center. “Yeah. I don’t do well in crowds or being put on the spot.”
Janae laughed heartily. “I was so determined to get you back for earlier that I called you out. I felt bad once I noticed your eyes and that you had trouble breathing. I’m sorry about that, too.”
I frowned. “No, you’re not. You’re still smiling.”
“What can I say? I’m Petty Patty,” Janae teased.
“Perfect name.” I chuckled.
She squeezed beside me, shifted to her side, and placed her leg across my waist. I stiffened, and she brushed her lips against the center of my chest. “Calm down. I’m not going to jump your bones.”
“Janae,” I warned, my body responding to her sensual touch.
“What?” She snuggled closer to me and kissed my neck. “You smell good. It must be oils instead of cologne.”
“It is, and we can’t,” I protested, though I didn’t move away from her warmth.
She kissed my goatee. “Can’t do what?”
I sighed. “If I’m your moral compass, sex is off the table.”
Janae’s eyes twinkled in the dim light. “I’m not thinking about sex. Just wanted to be next to you. Something about you makes me feel good. Settles me.”
“Then why do you keep kissing me like it’s your right? It’s distracting. Are you always so touchy-feely with a man you just met?” I was trying desperately to keep my lower half from reacting. Her knee was dangerously close to my manhood, and if she moved an inch lower, I wouldn’t be able to control myself.
“Only the special ones.” Janae grabbed my face and kissed the corner of my lips. “And because you’re so damn cute.”
I groaned. “I’m not a puppy, Janae.”
She propped her chin on my chest and traced my lips with her fingertip. “I’m fully aware that you’re all man, Landon Hayes. I do want you. I offered myself to you twice, remember? I agree we shouldn’t have sex. It muddies everything, and I get very possessive. And I would be totally in stalkerish mode with you.”
“So, Petty Patty and Caulky Stalky?” I chuckled. “If you really got to know me, I doubt you would get possessive with me. You think you’re a lot…” I whistled.
Her eyes grew soft. “Then it’s a good thing we have time to get to know each other, because I’m not going anywhere.”
Janae laid her head on my chest like she’d always belonged there. Soon, her slow breathing lulled me into comfort, and I hesitantly placed my arms around her. Even in sleep, her body responded to my embrace, and she nestled against me. I kissed the top of her head, wondering why this complicated woman was so determined to get next to me and under my skin.
And why I liked it so much.