Chapter Seven
janae
March 10
I woke up next to Landon for the second morning in a row. I tried to talk to him about the single last night, but the time wasn’t right. I needed to do it today to get my career back on track.
We were in his bed, and he slept soundly on his stomach. He faced the wall, so I could only study the curls on his head and his toned back. He didn’t seem the gym type, yet he must have done something to define his chest and back.
At some point in the night, after we’d fallen asleep on the sun lounger, he’d nudged me awake, and I held on to his waist as he brought me back to his bedroom. I’d crashed into bed, and he jumped in the shower. When he rejoined me, his skin smelling like soap, I’d cuddled against his warm, strong body, and though he stiffened as he had outside, it didn’t take him long to relax.
I could admit that I could be needy. I had no shame in my game. I needed a man, needed his strength and his warmth. My neediness had gotten me in trouble and kept me too attached for too long to a man who I’d known no longer wanted or loved me. I didn’t trust women enough to have female friends, so my world had been men since I’d been a teen. And after two days back in the game, I needed someone on my side. I needed Landon. I would do my best not to screw him over with my tendency to be rash and impulsive. His calm would mellow my storm.
I lightly touched Landon’s back, wanting him to turn over and fuck me. Yet I knew it would jeopardize our tenuous brewing friendship. I wanted to be different with him. I had to be different. The old Janae, who didn’t care, had ruined her career. I had to control my impulses and mood. I couldn’t run or self-destruct every time I became uncomfortable. I also couldn’t have sex with Landon and not expect it to mean something.
“How did you sleep?” Landon’s voice was rich and deep in the morning. Sexy without his even trying.
I squeezed my thighs together. I probably couldn’t continue to sleep in his bed and expect to remain friends without benefits.
“Okay. Thinking about my life and why I’ve made so many mistakes so young. So many that I can’t afford any more. I’m not even thirty and have been through way too much drama.”
“One theory on why?” he asked sleepily.
“My mother.” She popped into my head without thought. Ebony Tanner. One of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen. A woman I’d lived to please until I realized through therapy that she would never be satisfied.
“Ahh… That mother will do a number on you. More than those fathers will,” Landon said sagely.
I continued touching his back before he moved or told me to stop. “Should I go see her and my brother, since they’re only about twenty minutes from here?”
“I forgot that since you’re from here, your family probably lives nearby.” He flipped over to his side when I did, and we faced each other. “Did they come to the show?”
“No. I never invited them.”
Landon nodded slowly.
“You don’t want to know why?”
“Do you want to tell me?”
“Not yet.”
“Then don’t.” He smiled slightly.
“Yeah.” I looked down. “I should at least go check on them or something, right?”
“I guess.” His eyes appeared green in this sunlight.
I raised my head. “You guess? You’re supposed to tell me that the right thing to do is go visit your family when you’re in the city.”
“Told you I wouldn’t be a good moral compass. Families are strange creatures. They created us, yet the moment we can, we flee. Some of us never return.” He propped his head on his arm. “If you don’t want to go, then don’t.”
“How can I heal if I don’t deal with them?”
“Or maybe it’s harder to heal when you have to deal with them,” he argued. “I live forty minutes from my folks and usually see them only during the holidays because my mother insists. I love them, but they stress me.”
“What? I pictured you as that pampered only child with loving parents.” I stared into his eyes, unable to look away from the curious intensity there.
“Looks are deceiving. They never pampered me or ever really saw me,” he replied matter-of-factly. “It doesn’t bother me anymore… most days. But we’re talking about your parents, not mine. You think you’re going to visit?”
“I’m not ready to see them.”
“Then you have your answer.”
The ease with which we conversed pleased me. For a man of few words, he was rather talkative. “I love talking to you. Can we stay in bed all day and be lazy on a Sunday?”
He shook his head. “Yes.”
I giggled at his silliness. “I didn’t expect this.”
“What?” He frowned slightly, and I resisted smoothing out his forehead. Touching him right now would be detrimental to my aching sex.
“Your playful side. You’re always so serious.”
“Because I am,” Landon said. “Always have been.”
I tsked. “Last night and this morning, you’re not.”
He shrugged. “I only amuse you because you’re focused on me. When you get your confidence back, you won’t think of me as that funny dude. We won’t be friends, and I’ll go back to the nerd you can’t believe you ever thought was hot.”
“Why do you think we won’t be friends?” I tugged on his in-need-of-a-trim goatee.
“Because you’re scared, Janae, and I’m your life jacket. You won’t need me once you’re ready to swim on your own again.” His tone suggested finality, and I couldn’t decide if he believed it because that was how he saw me or himself, or if that was how he wanted it to be.
“When was your last relationship? I don’t think I’ve ever noticed you with a woman.”
“Isn’t that a question you ask if you’re considering me as your potential man? I thought we established that’s not us.” He closed his eyes, and his fingers played a rhythm on the sheets between us.
“It’s a simple question from one potential friend to another,” I insisted.
“I’d rather not answer.”
“Is there a woman waiting for you in New York? I need to know if there is,” I said, my temper rising. I didn’t have the right to be jealous or angry, but tell that to my irrational heart. Landon was starting to feel like mine, and I didn’t want to share.
“I’m not getting married or having children,” he answered defensively. His eyes remained closed, and his fingers continued to move. “If that’s what you really want to know, it won’t happen.”
“Chill, Landon. I didn’t ask about your future plans with a woman. I’m asking about your past and your present.” When he remained silent, I probed gently. “I didn’t mean to upset you. Can you at least tell me why you don’t want to marry or have children?”
“I didn’t say I didn’t want to… said I wasn’t . I don’t want to discuss it with a woman who may not be here tomorrow.” He opened his eyes, and his hand stopped moving. “Can you not talk to me like I’m in therapy?”
“Habit that I’ll try to break.” I studied our hands, which were almost touching. “I’ll be here tomorrow. That’s why I’m here with you today. I want to be a better woman and practice the results of processing every aspect of my life.” I raised my hand. “I know… I know… I sound like my therapist. And I still fear that after all is said and done, I’m just as screwed up as I was three years ago.”
His pinky hesitantly rubbed my hand. “We’re all screwed up in some ways. At least you’re trying to address it, even if it has taken years.”
We locked eyes again, and his gaze drifted to my lips. He moved closer before abruptly turning on his back and covering his eyes with the back of his arm. “You need to leave.”
His shift in mood hurt. “What did I do?”
“Nothing and everything.” He flipped his legs over the bed and stood up. “Going to take a shower, and please don’t follow me.”
“Didn’t you take a shower last night when we came inside from the pool?”
“I take more than one shower a day.” He walked toward the bathroom without turning around. His basketball shorts hung low, emphasizing his toned back and taut ass.
I rose on my arms. “Are you hard?”
Landon looked over his shoulder. “Can you go visit your family or something?”
“You are.” I clapped my hands. “Let me see.”
“Bye, Janae.” He touched the bathroom knob.
Before I lost my courage, I quickly said, “Can you write and produce a song with me? Maybe fly to Los Angeles and cut it in the studio. The song will be a smash, and we could perform it during our tour.” At his hesitation, I continued, “The cameras won’t record us if you don’t want them to. And it was Del’s idea, which I think is a good one.”
“Janae, we fought amongst ourselves and Del to get this far. The band just decided how we wanted the album to flow, and asking them to create a song with you might be too much.”
I countered, “It can be a single, and it doesn’t have to go on your album.”
“They won’t agree.”
“Then let me talk to them. I owe them an apology, too.”
“I don’t know.” He tapped the wall next to the door.
“It’s hard to talk to you with your back to me,” I reminded him.
“We’ll talk after I shower.”
I hugged a pillow to my chest and smiled. “So, I don’t have to leave?”
“No,” he snapped, and shut the bathroom door behind him.
“I can help you with your little problem,” I called after him.
“It’s not little,” he yelled back.
“No, it’s not at all,” I muttered before lying back down and smiling at the recessed lighting overhead. Whether he realized it or not, Landon had given me hope. And a possible hit record.