twenty-seven
T he next morning, Maddy was woken up by some very loud knocking on her front door.
She’d barely had any sleep, if she could call it sleep at all. She’d just passed out in exhaustion after finally getting something in her stomach. Her feet had dragged her to her bedroom, where she’d burrowed under the covers hoping to stay in there forever.
It seemed though that someone was determined to not let her proceed with her fabulous plan. Getting up, she threw a passing glance at the full-body mirror which told her that she looked exactly how she felt, and followed the uninterrupted knocking and buzzing.
She knew who it was before she’d even opened the door.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Stacie’s shrill voice did nothing to help the painful headache pulsing in her temples.
“Can you lower your voice, please?” she said, as she moved aside to let Stacie in.
“Oh, I’m sorry, let me repeat that in a lower tone of voice.
” She took in a deep breath. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she hissed.
“I had to find out from Josh and Nick that you were In. An. Accident. And when I did find out, you wouldn’t answer your damn phone.
Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been, Maddy? ”
Stacie’s furious expression melted into one of such distress that made Maddy feel a twinge of regret. She knew she shouldn’t have evaded her best friend’s calls and messages, but she just hadn’t been able to pick up the phone and simply act normal. She knew her friend didn’t deserve this.
They had met in university and had been inseparable ever since.
On paper, they couldn’t have been more different.
Stacie was a social butterfly, effortlessly sought out by everyone, thriving in a crowd.
Maddy, on the other hand, avoided people like the plague, perfectly content with books and music as her only company.
But she wouldn’t trade Stacie for the world.
Which was why working in the same department had been one of the best things ever.
Well—except for moments like this, when Stacie found out things Maddy hadn’t told her and showed up to yell at her about it.
She sighed. “I’m sorry, Stacie, you’re right. I should have called you at some point. I just felt and still feel particularly miserable and it just slipped my mind.” Yes, she was miserable, though the almost accident was just the tip of the iceberg.
The hollowness Maddy had felt since the previous day was still there.
Not that she’d really expected it to go away.
There was also no way to fully explain what had happened to her to her best friend.
Stacie was one of the most understanding people there were, but this wasn’t something that could be laid out easily and explained.
And honestly, Maddy didn’t even want to. She felt protective of this ball of ache and happiness and heartbreak and memories that had nestled in her chest. She didn’t want other people to poke at it. It was hers to keep.
“I’m just so tired, Stace.” She made no effort to hide the weariness she was feeling.
And Stacie, being the friend that she was, simply nodded, wrapped an arm around her shoulders and moved them to the couch where Maddy could just be.
***
After Stacie had made sure that Maddy was comfortable, she informed her that they would both be off work that day, which gave Stacie free range to run rampant in her apartment.
She ordered them some food, put on a comfort series on Netflix as background noise, hovered over Maddy to the point that Maddy had to order her to sit and calm down. Her friend had always been anxiety incarnate and Maddy sure hated that she had added, even involuntarily, to Stacie’s anxiety.
They both took some time to relax as much as possible, until Maddy could practically feel Stacie’s stolen glances on her face. She knew what she’d say before she even said it.
“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t feel like you’re up for it.” Stacie reached out and squeezed her hand. “Just know that I’m here for whatever you want to tell me. When and if you want to tell me.”
Maddy sighed. “It’s nothing that serious.
I was kind of pushed onto the street, and I tripped and almost fell in front of a car.
Thankfully, this guy sort of shielded me from the worse and the car stopped in time.
So, I’m just a bit battered.” She knew she was leaving out practically everything, and she could tell from Stacie’s expression that she knew there were things Maddy wasn’t telling her.
It wasn’t because she didn’t want to. But how could she tell her friend that she’d somehow relived 6 weeks of her life in high-school where she’d found someone she never wanted to lose and then lost him anyway?
Even the sanest person would look at her as if she had lost her damn mind.
She still wasn’t convinced she actually hadn’t.
“So,” Stacie’s voice interrupted her thoughts, “you mean that you’ve been a walking zombie since yesterday just because of that? And I’m not saying in any way that that’s not important, because it is! It’s just that you look... I don’t know, devastated, Maddy.”
Maddy lowered her gaze to the blanket in her lap, feeling her eyes begin to sting. She hated feeling so raw, so exposed. But her friend was only trying to help and Maddy was grateful. “Well, you’re going to think it’s stupid.”
Stacie squeezed her hand even harder, Maddy only now realizing that she hadn’t let it go. “I would never consider stupid anything you have to tell me,” she said fiercely, her tone adamant.
Maddy nodded, a weak smile tipping the corners of her lips.
“Well, the guy that tried to push me out of the way and help me wasn’t a stranger.
I actually knew him. We’d been sort of friends briefly in high-school and there might have been even something more there.
” She paused, unable to add any more details.
“He didn’t remember me,” she finished dully.
“Excuse me?” Stacie’s sharp tone made Maddy snap her eyes back to hers. “He didn’t remember you? How is that possible?”
Maddy shrugged. “I don’t know. I suppose I didn’t make a long-lasting impression.” She knew she wasn’t being fair, and nothing was probably Nate’s fault but it still hurt like a raging bitch.
The one thing she’d always hated was realizing that she’d been unimportant and replaceable by those she’d cared about.
Eventually, when something happened enough times, it was easy to start believing it was true.
It had taken her some time but Maddy knew who she was.
And she knew that she couldn’t control how people acted.
She could just be herself and do what felt right.
“Bullshit,” Stacie spit out. “I call bullshit. And more importantly, what’s this guy’s name and why have I not heard about him until today?”
Maddy couldn’t help the dry laugh that escaped her.
Well, honestly, Stacie couldn’t have heard about him since, technically, not even Maddy had truly known him before yesterday.
Or last month. God, all this back and forth was giving her whiplash.
Which was not helping her headache at all.
“His name is Nate and it was just a few weeks thing back when I was sixteen. It just didn’t come up. ”
“Hm,” her friend murmured, looking at her suspiciously.
“Anyway,” Maddy said, trying to change the subject. “What’s going on at work?”
Thankfully, Stacie didn’t call her out on it.
“You didn’t miss anything. As I told you earlier Josh and Nick were the first to know about your accident, —honestly, those two gossip more than my grandmas and aunts combined who never stop pestering me about when I’m going to get married.
” She rolled her eyes. “Anyway, everyone’s sending their get-well wishes.
Oh, and they’re already plotting a welcome-back surprise thingy that you did not hear from me.
But I know you hate surprises, so—consider yourself warned. ”
Her expression softened. “I’m glad you’re okay, my little hermit. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Maddy gave her the first genuine smile in the last couple of days.
“You’re not getting rid of me that easily, you social weirdo.
Who’s gonna pull the brakes on you when you run yourself to the ground trying to fit as many coffee dates with friends and acquaintances as possible to your already packed schedule? ”
Stacie half-sighed, half-laughed. “I know, I know you’re right. But you know me, I can’t really stay put for too long.”
“I know, it must be killing you to be sitting around so much right now. I bet your fingers are itching to grab your phone and call someone.”
“Now see, I could deny it, but I’ve never been a lying liar who lied,” Stacie snickered.
And for just a few moments, Maddy could pretend that all was well and there wasn’t a gaping hole in her chest that throbbed in time with her heartbeat.
***
“I think I hate my flat a little bit.”
A few days had passed, and Maddy was slowly starting to feel better.
Which was a lie of course but if she said it many times to herself then eventually, she would believe it. Maybe.
She’d resumed work. She’d gone back to her everyday life. She was back to being a responsible adult. And misery was her company.
“Oh no.” Stacie’s voice carried over from the kitchen.
Okay, maybe misery wasn’t her only company.
“Is this one of those things, like after a big break-up, where you have to do something dramatic, like get a makeover, cut your hair or dye it something you’d probably never do under normal circumstances?
” Her blonde head along with the rest of her appeared, carrying a plate of cut fruit and a glass of water.
She sat next to Maddy, joining her on the couch where Maddy had been staring at the four walls of her living room.
It wasn’t that Maddy actually hated her apartment.
It was a perfectly fine place. It’s just that it suddenly felt bland.
The colors were too muted and everything looked as drained of life as she felt, and that was what she hated.
She could no longer see herself in this environment.
Or maybe she never actually had. It was like recent years had molded her into something different than who she was at her core, and going back to the past had reminded her of who that was.
Sometimes when change is gradual, it’s difficult to really notice it.
Sometimes it’s not easy to block out the opinions of others.
Maddy had met plenty of people with plenty of opinions about her—opinions that, slowly but steadily, had shaped the way she spoke, the way she carried herself around others.
Once, she had never cared about simply liking what she liked, doing her own thing.
But over time, that had changed. She’d safeguarded as much of herself as possible but some things had still slipped through the cracks.
And when Maddy had woken up that morning, she’d realized she could see less and less of the person she was and missed, in the walls around her.
“No, it’s nothing like that, Stace,” she remembered to answer her friend.
Stacie had been dropping by more often lately to check up on her, despite the fact that they saw each other every day at work.
“Firstly, there’s no break-up.” Was it a break-up if the other half of the equation didn’t remember her in the first place?
“Secondly, I am very much over putting my hair through awful situations. That ship has long sailed. And thirdly, I don’t know, I just feel like I would like to make the place more me . ”
That was only part of the truth and Maddy knew it. In her heart she knew that she didn’t want to keep wallowing for something that wouldn’t change. And she didn’t want to wallow anymore, period. She wanted something that would keep her mind off things, and her hands busy.
Stacie was looking at her as if she could see right through her, and she probably did, but at least she made no comments.
Which Maddy appreciated. “Okay, friend. If that’s what you wanna do, then that’s what we’ll do.
” She then looked around her living room with a scrutinizing eye while she chewed on an apple slice.
They were both sitting cross-legged on the sofa in deep contemplation before Maddy broke the silence.
“I want to bring my books out in the living room. Buy a nice bookcase and some shelves to put on the walls and bring them out here. Most of them are in boxes or in messy piles, and I miss looking at their spines.”
She stood up and started pacing around, picturing the changes.
“I could make some space over here, and maybe even paint this wall a darker shade of this cream color I have, maybe make it a bit brighter. It could be a sort of book corner, with a quirky lamp right on the side. It would be perfect for cold nights.” She could feel the excitement that fizzed in her veins.
“And flowers. My bedroom is too dull, I want to look for some flower paintings, and then different bed covers and rugs for the floor to go with them.” She was still walking around, nodding her head and almost talking to herself.
It took her quite some time to realize that Stacie hadn’t uttered a single word yet.
Maddy paused her anxious back-and-forth and turned to look at her. Stacie’s expression mirrored exactly what she was feeling.
She knew she felt lost. She was desperate for something to hold on to. She also knew that she couldn’t get back what she was missing. That part had irrevocably walked away. But she needed something to help her get back on her feet, just as a start. And then she would go back to life as it had been.
If only she could find some sense of comfort in that.