twenty-six
T he first thing that Maddy noticed was the rush of noise in her ears.
There was a cacophony of voices all blurred together, impossible to understand.
Why couldn’t she understand them?
She slowly realized that her eyes felt as if sealed shut, and that even through her closed eyelids she could tell she was extremely dizzy.
Her heart was pounding fiercely and the overpowering smell of exhaust fumes assaulted her nostrils.
But underneath it all, there was a familiar scent she desperately wanted to cling to, and a soft material was clasped tightly in her fist, so tightly her fingers were aching.
She was lying down but she wasn’t alone.
There was a strong body holding her close, a chest breathing in and out beneath her hands.
She didn’t feel hurt, just stiff and disoriented.
She felt groggy as she attempted to pry her eyes open. She blinked at the sudden light, her retinas burning. The world was out of focus, probably because her glasses were missing.
A low ramble sounded from the body cushioning hers and Maddy turned to squint at the face of the man below her.
Nate.
Maddy blinked rapidly trying to clear the fog from her brain, trying to piece together what was happening. She felt as if everything was slightly out of reach, slipping through her fingers.
She did her best to concentrate.
Nate was there with her, going through the same motions as she had apparently. They were both lying on gravel, a silver car mere inches from them, and realization was slowly but steadily creeping up on her.
That day.
The barely accident.
School. Grandma. New Year’s Eve.
Nate.
Oh God. She had to make sure he was okay.
She tried to shuffle upwards, unclasping her fingers and using her forearms to bring herself closer to his face.
“Nate?” Her voice was a whisper. She was trembling and she had never been more scared.
“Nate, are you okay?” She tentatively brushed his face, not wanting to jostle him if he was hurt.
With a groan, Nate’s eyes–Nate’s beautiful, chocolate eyes–blinked open, taking in his surroundings before they focused on her.
“Are you okay, Nate?” she was powerless not to keep asking until she heard that he was fine, that there was nothing wrong, that nothing had happened to him.
“I think I’m okay,” he rasped, already attempting to sit up.
“No, wait! Don’t stand up, we should be checked out first.” A quick glance around showed Maddy the tell-tale figures of EMTs.
“Then you shouldn’t sit up either,” Nate’s gravelly words reached her ears. “Are you okay?” he asked, his eyes briefly closing before turning to look at her again.
Maddy nodded. “I think so.”
Nate nodded back, before his face changed in an undecipherable expression.
“How do you know my name?”
Whatever breath was in her lungs, it froze as time stopped.
If her heart could stop, Maddy knew that it would the moment those words sank in. Instead, the organ inside her chest chose to beat frantically as her body registered what Nate had said far quicker than it took for her brain to catch up. Or maybe this was what going into shock felt like.
“What?” she uttered softly.
Nate was frowning, his eyes scanning her face.
“Do we know each other? You look familiar.” He said before groaning again and rubbing his forehead. “I’m sorry I’m too banged up to focus.”
Maddy was saved from producing an answer that she didn’t have when they both surrendered to the careful and patient ministrations of the aid workers.
Her glasses had only been knocked aside, miraculously intact and restored to her, and she was told that she only had some mild bruising and a few scrapes but no broken bones or a concussion.
However, if she were to feel any persistent dizziness, she should head to the ER.
Maddy threw a glance over at Nate, who was sitting not far from her and was told pretty much the same things.
Apparently, they had been lucky since they had only been grazed and knocked over by the momentum of the moving vehicle, the car managing to stop just in time.
Maddy knew that she should feel relief, and she did.
But the image of Nate’s face as he’d looked at her as if she were a stranger, politely but distant, was burned in her mind.
A bitter, harsh laugh escaped her lips. What a cruel joke, to go through everything they did together only to end up here, like this.
If someone heard her, they’d probably think she’d lost it.
But she couldn’t stop it. The bitterness was rising up like acid, burning her throat and still, she kept laughing quietly to herself.
She was choking, and burning, and aching, and laughing so much that she hardly felt the tears that spilled over, tracking down her cheeks.
“Hey, are you sure you’re okay?” she heard Nate ask from somewhere behind her.
Not bothering to dry her eyes, she turned and met Nate’s worried expression.
God, she was probably a mess.
But she couldn’t give a flying fuck.
Her lips pulled almost painfully into a smile as she said, “Yes, everything’s fine. I just have to get going.” She avoided his gaze, looking around to gather her stuff and get the fuck out of there. Her heart was breaking and she needed no witnesses.
She chanced one last look at Nate who was still looking at her strangely, his concern evident.
“Take care of yourself, Nate,” she said, not waiting for an answer, as she picked up her pieces and walked away.
And if she felt a set of eyes, intent on the back of her skull, she didn’t turn around to find out.
***
Maddy had the presence of mind to call work and inform them that she’d been in an accident and that she wouldn’t be able to make it in today.
She also hoped that there hadn’t been anything else needed from her before she left the scene of the incident, though they could reach her through her personal information, if necessary.
She didn’t remember how she got back to her apartment, the whole way a blur of images, of sounds, of memories.
She’d always scoffed at how characters in movies and books would keep saying that they never remembered how they got somewhere. I mean, how is it possible to not remember?
Well, the joke was on her now.
The keys jingled as she opened her door, taking off her shoes haphazardly and dropping her bag right there at her feet, not caring where it landed. She felt as if she were on autopilot. She felt as if she’d lived an entire lifetime in a day. Maybe she had.
She felt emotion clogging her throat, threatening to overwhelm her but she pushed it back, violently.
She would not have a breakdown in her doorway.
She would pull it together, have a shower carefully to wash away all the grime she could feel on her as an ugly reminder, change into some clean clothes and she’d take it from there.
Taking a deep breath, she did just that.
***
A couple of hours later, Maddy was still curled up in the spot she’d claimed on the couch after her shower. She’d been staring blankly at the turned off TV screen, with unseeing eyes.
She felt so tired but her mind was restless.
She knew she should eat something but she had no appetite.
She kept seeing Nate’s face when she’d opened her eyes.
It had been the Nate she’d got to know but also different.
She’d left behind this young, heart-stopping guy with shaggy hair, and she’d found this beautiful, put-together man with kind, familiar eyes but also not.
She’d seen her Nate that wasn’t her Nate anymore. Because he didn’t remember her. Or maybe there was nothing to forget. Maybe, it had been a dream after all? A made-up story concocted by her brain under stress? Some sort of made-up happiness that disappeared into nothing?
No .
She refused to believe that. She knew what she’d felt all those weeks. The people she’d talked to, the things she’d done, the things she’d talked about with her nonna, with her parents, with Nate. How her heart had been so full she thought it would explode. How she’d wished she’d never forget.
Then why didn’t Nate remember her? She’d have thought that.
..She’d seen how he’d looked at… A raw sound that was more suited to a wounded animal escaped her mouth before she could contain it.
She felt like she could sob forever. Like she had lost something precious irrevocably.
And it hurt, it hurt, it hurt. It hurt so much she’d thought she’d see an open wound in her chest bleeding, and bleeding, never stopping.
She was here. She was where she was supposed to be.
Then why did she feel torn in half?