thirty-four
M addy had no idea why she’d thought she could handle all this by herself.
Granted, she’d been in a pretty sad place. But sad and delusional were two completely different things.
She’d woken up that morning feeling much better. She still felt the after-effects of her bout of illness but she’d slept like the dead for the first time in many, many days and it had made a difference. She’d been calmer, and whatever restlessness had plagued her had eased exponentially.
And it had nothing to do with Nate and his chicken soup.
No, that was definitely not the case.
Sure.
So now that she’d moved on from the sad place, she was slowly coming face to face with the delusional part of her realization.
What on Earth had she been thinking?
She’d spent the better part of her Saturday sorting through the utter mess that was her living room. Thankfully, her bedroom was in a slightly more decent condition.
Maddy had been sitting on the floor for quite some time, staring at nothing while she contemplated her decisions.
Painting the walls, she could probably do.
Hanging a couple of flower art pieces in her bedroom, sure.
But setting up bookcases? And nailing shelves on the walls?
In what universe?
She had trouble drawing a straight line while using a ruler and she wanted to put permanent things on her wall and make sure they were somehow not lopsided or uneven?
She sighed heavily.
Maddy heard her phone ping with a message from somewhere in the room, and the way her heartbeat slightly picked up should have been ridiculous.
She still hunted down the device though.
Nate’s name was waiting for her when she swiped at her screen.
Nate : What do I need to bring?
It was impossible to stop the small grin that made its way to her lips.
They’d already made plans to meet, shamelessly using her need for help with her apartment and taking advantage of his offer to help.
Was she willingly jumping with both feet into a fantasyland where she believed that everything would be fine and that they could just pick up from where they left off?
Yes.
Was she also scared shitless that it would blow up in her face and leave her in a much, much worse state than before.
Also yes.
Would she still reply to his message and tell him in her own way that all she wanted was to see him again?
Absolutely.
Maddy : Just yourself.
A few seconds passed and then,
Nate : I’m on my way.
***
Much sooner than Maddy had expected, her doorbell rang.
She’d had time to jump into the shower, freshen up and change into a pair of jeans and a clean sweater. Her hair had mostly dried, although the tips were still a bit wet.
She opened the door, revealing once again Nate, now twice in as many days. She’d thought that the shock would have worn off by now, but no such luck. It still felt bizarre as hell to have him standing on her doorstep.
Apparently, again holding a plastic bag.
“Is this deja-vu?” she asked as she made some room for Nate to come in.
He chuckled as he took off his shoes.
“Why do you say that?”
“Well, you’re here, second day in a row, holding another bag. And I remember specifically telling you not to bring anything.”
“And I heard you but my mother taught me never to go empty-handed when I’m invited somewhere.”
“I’m pretty sure you will be working off your invitation here, there’s no need for anything else. If anything, I should be the one bribing you with stuff.”
Nate turned to look at her, a searing expression in his eyes.
“You don’t need to bribe me with anything, Mads, I’m happy to be here.”
Okay, so maybe she hadn’t totally recovered because then how could she explain the sudden dizziness?
“But,” he continued, a sexy smirk slowly emerging, “if you want to bribe me, then please bribe away.”
Maddy knew she was very close to swallowing her tongue but two could play this game.
“Na-uh, today I’m simply going to enjoy whatever it is you had in mind.”
And just like that, Nate’s smirk turned lethal, his body slightly swaying towards her.
“I have a lot of things in mind, Madison, but I’m just going to stick with what’s in the bag for now,” he said in a low voice before he took a step back and headed into the kitchen.
She had been ready to follow him but he was already reappearing by her side.
“Um, what–”
“Don’t worry about that. First, tell me what you need help with.”
She should have been embarrassed being caught staring at him but she was long past that point. Now she was rolling with it.
“Okay, you asked for it.”
Walking into the living room, she proceeded to show him the boxes that held everything needed to assemble the caramel-colored bookcase and shelves she’d purchased.
They worked side by side, him doing all the heavy and important work, she just bringing him what he needed, offering moral support, and getting him water and juice to keep him happy.
A playlist was playing softly in the background, shuffling some of her all-time favorite songs from too many different genres but it somehow worked with what they were doing.
“So how come you decided to change things up in your place?” Nate asked while screw-driving a piece of wood into some sort of base. She was momentarily distracted by the way his arms strained holding everything in place.
What had he asked her?
Oh yeah. She’d rather stare at his arms than answer that question.
Nate seemed to notice her hesitation because he turned to glance at her, a small frown marring his brow.
“Um, well,” she fidgeted with a few strands of her hair that had escaped the bun she’d pulled them in.
“After that... day, I was not in a very good state, and coming back to my apartment I realized that I’d let a lot of the things that made me me fade through the years and I hated that.
So, I thought I’d bring back some of the magic I felt going back to those years where I was surrounded by everything that made me happy, and comfortable, and calm. ”
The silence that followed her words was deafening.
Maddy looked up from where she’d been staring at something on her carpet, to find Nate wearing an expression of pure anguish.
She didn’t want that expression on his face.
He made a move to come closer. “Mads, I’m so—”
“Stop it, don’t say another word,” she interrupted him, her voice steely.
“I didn’t tell you this to make you feel bad or to make you apologize.
It wasn’t your fault. It just was what it was.
” Maddy heard how her voice went softer and softer, as she kept talking.
In most cases she didn’t want to appear vulnerable in front of other people.
But she wanted to be honest because it mattered.
“It was just that I missed my friend and the person I had gotten to know all those weeks, who I dragged to things he didn’t really want to do but who still let me.
Who made me laugh and let me be me and liked me for that.
And I just wanted to have something with me here that would make me feel like myself again.
” She peered into the chocolate-brown eyes she couldn’t get enough of. “I just missed you so much, Nate.”
It was like watching a dam break.
They’d both been sitting on the floor, separated by a few feet as they worked on their respective corners.
The next thing she knew, Nate had crawled the short distance towards her, his face hardened with determination, his eyes burning.
Maddy felt his hands span her waist, before he was lifting her and pulling her on his lap. She always seemed to forget how tall he was, but she was reminded of that fact when even in her current position, she was eye to eye with the curve of his neck and his sharp jaw.
His hands didn’t loosen their grasp for a few heart-pounding moments, before they reluctantly seemed to release her.
But only, she realized with a gasp, to trail upwards in a way that bordered on reverent.
She felt the soft brush of his hands on her arms through her sweater, as they made their way to her shoulders and her sensitive neck.
His gaze never left hers even throughout his exploration, even as one of his hands cupped her nape while his other arm returned to encircle her whole waist.
“I missed you so fucking much, Maddy.”
Maddy.
He’d never called her Maddy before.
She loved when he called her by her full name, or Mads when he wanted to be playful.
But hearing him call her Maddy made her melt in a way that was inexplicable.
“I thought I was going crazy those weeks after the accident. I knew deep in my bones that there was something missing, always beyond my reach and it was torture,” he said hoarsely as his hand drew lazy, soothing circles where he was holding her. “You were a phantom limb, Maddy.”
It was a good thing that he was holding her in so many places or she would have slid to the floor in a puddle of former human being.
She was already feeling like she was losing control of all her bodily functions.
She couldn’t swallow, her mouth was dry, and her heartbeat had lost all modicum of normalcy, simply drumming erratically in her ears.
In an unconscious move, Maddy licked her lips to ease the dryness, which only served to draw Nate’s look, his whole body going tense underneath her.
He was taut as a bowstring, his eyes shifting from her mouth to her eyes, speaking his next words so close to her lips he might as well be breathing them into her.
“I thought I could come back to your life as only your friend. I thought I could take a step back and stop myself from pushing you into anything that you might not want anymore.”
Something she might not want anymore?
Is that what he thought when he was quickly becoming her own personal form of sustenance?
“But,” he paused, exhaling a shaky, shallow breath on her lips.
“Fuck it.”
Nate’s mouth descended upon hers and Maddy wondered as her brain fizzled slowly into nothingness, if this is what it felt like to be devoured. If this is what bottled desperation tasted like. Sweet and hot.