Epilogue
Some months later
“Make it stop,” she sobs. “I can’t take any more.”
Her hands are fisting anything she can lay them on, and she currently has my hair in them. My head jars from her yanking. “One last try, baby.” I turn my face into her to find her lips, kissing her softly. There are no sparks of desire, just pure, raw love. “Together, okay?”
She nods against me and resumes nuzzling into my neck. Then I feel her body tense, her mouth open against my throat, and her grip of my hair crosses the line into violence. She screams, her teeth sinking into my flesh, one hand pulling my hair, the other digging into my bicep. I blank it out, all of the pain she’s inflicting on me, because it’s nothing compared to what I’ve experienced. Nothing. I clench my teeth. Fucking hell, seeing her like this, the pain, her tears. Fucking awful. I burrow deeper into her neck, squeezing her hand in both of mine. Come on, baby. I kiss her wet skin, nibble her neck, let her feel me there, silently encouraging her. How long will they let this go on before they intervene?
“That’s it, Ava,” the midwife shouts before calling for her colleague’s assistance. “Yes, it’s coming. Harder, Ava. Push harder.”
Ava’s face is beetroot, her eyes clenched, her head thrown forward.
“Come on, Ava!”
The scream that fills the delivery suite is piercing.
“Oh my, we have a girl.”
And then there’s a moment of silence, everything falling into slow motion.
Am I in the real world, or is this a dream?
“Oh my God,” Ava gasps, pulsing on the bed against me. “A girl.”
A girl.
And let me tell you, if you think the past twenty years have been a punishment, wait until you meet your little girl.
I breathe in, stunned into stillness, my heart hammering. I’m almost scared to look. But I can hear, and damn, she has some lungs on her. I let out a choked sob as I lift my head.
“Mr. Ward, we’re going to cut the cord, okay? We have another baby coming, and it’s coming fast.”
I just about manage to nod. A girl. I have a baby girl.
I bite at my lip to stop it wobbling, looking down at Ava’s soaked, red face. Her eyes are closed. Her chest pumping. Jesus, she’s exhausted.
“We need another push, Ava,” the midwife says, her head back between Ava’s legs, cheering her on.
“No more,” Ava cries, turning her face into mine, her wet cheeks slipping over my bristle. “Please.”
My heart clenches. “Come on, baby,” I whisper. “You’ve got this.”
“I’m too tired.”
“Look at me,” I demand, squeezing her hand.
Her eyes slowly drag open. Glassy. Her dark orbs pale. I’m so fucking proud of her. How she’s handled this pregnancy. How she’s faced her fears and marched on determined and strong. I stroke her wet cheek, dragging my thumb across her rosy lips as she looks at me, waiting for my words of encouragement and love. Depends on them. “How loud do you think you’ll scream?” I ask, and she laughs over a sob as she begins to stiffen again, a sign another contraction is on the way.
She looks at me in panic. “Really fucking loud,” she starts to pant.
I smile, squeezing her hand. “We’ve got a girl, baby.”
“A girl.” She strains the words out. “You have a girl again.”
Fuck. “Yeah, I do.” I dip and kiss her forehead as she builds to the next push, her hold of me getting tighter. “Ready?” I ask, feeling her nod, her breath held. I brace myself, squeezing my eyes shut, and she bellows out an angry yell, the sound echoing around the room as the midwife cheers her on and I take the brunt of her strength. Then she slumps into the bed again, exhaling.
And there’s another cry.
“A boy!”
What?
We have a boy. One of each?
Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew it. I fucking knew it.
Rosie.
I drop my head onto Ava’s shoulder, unable to stop the tears. My exhausted heart is showing no sign of letting up, and I know it probably won’t for the rest of my life. I haven’t even looked at them yet. I haven’t smelt them, felt them, or told them how much I love them. “Well done, baby,” I whisper, finding Ava’s face and smothering her with kisses. She doesn’t respond. It’s probably one of the only times in our relationship that she can’t.
“Mr. Ward?”
“Are they okay?” I ask.
“They’re perfect. Congratulations.”
I burrow back into Ava’s neck as the midwives work, and she finds the strength to hold me, sighing, gently stroking my hair and dropping small kisses on my skin every now and then. No words need to be spoken—not for a very long while. It’s Ava comforting me now. And I need it.
She eventually finds the strength to pull away, searching out my clouded eyes, and as soon as hers land on mine, reality is confirmed. My reality. “Go and meet your babies,” Ava says, smoothing her small palm down my rough cheek. “It was twenty-six years before I found you. Don’t make them wait for you a moment longer than they have to.” She pecks my lips and then looks over my shoulder, and I muster up the courage to turn and finally introduce myself to my babies, walking slowly across the room.
I gaze into the cribs, utterly astonished. The love is instant. So intense, it physically hurts. There are only two other moments in my life when I’ve felt this level of awe and hope.
Rosie.
And when their mother walked into my office for the first time.
How? How did I create these two beautiful creatures? They look so small. So fragile. Christ, they will literally fit in the palm of my hand. “They look tiny,” I say quietly. “Too small.”
“They’re both a good weight for twins,” one of the midwives says, smiling.
I can’t take my eyes off them as she wraps them up and pops little hats on their heads.
“Are you ready to hold them?”
I look at her in alarm. “What?”
“Hold them, Mr. Ward,” she says over a laugh.
“Hold them?” But they look too small. I hold up my hands, turning them over in front of me, as if to demonstrate the size of me against them.
“Skin on skin.” The midwife dips into my baby girl’s crib and lifts her out, carrying her over to Ava and holding her with one hand as she helps Ava pull her gown down, exposing her chest. She lays our little girl front down on Ava’s skin, covering her back with the blanket. I watch in awe as Ava buries her face in the top of her head on a sigh. “Mr. Ward?”
“Yeah?”
She nods at my T-shirt-covered body and, without thinking, I reach down and pull it up over my head, moving to the chair by Ava’s bed, lowering, unable to take my eyes off her. Ava smirks at my bare chest as the midwife carries my little boy to me and sets him down. Fuck. The moment he comes to rest on my skin, my heart kicks. It beats harder and faster.
More purpose.
He looks even smaller on me. I cup his micro arse with my big palm, letting the midwife fix the blanket around us, and I stare down in wonder as my baby boy’s little cheek rests on my flesh, his eyes closed.
“Do we have names?” the midwife asks.
I look back at Ava. She looks so sleepy. She nods, and I bite at my lip to stop it trembling. Fuck.
You’re going to have a girl, Daddy.
“Maddie,” I say quietly, my voice tight, as I watch Ava stroke her head. She smiles softly at me, nodding to my boy in my arms. I look down at his head, stroking over the fine hairs. Dark blond hair.
You better name the boy after me.
I breathe in, my chest expanding, my boy rising with it. “And this is Jacob.” I rest my lips on his head and breathe him into me. “After my brother.”
Peaceful.
This isn’t real.
But as I look up into my wife’s eyes, my unbelievable reality sinks in.
And the tears come again.
Do I deserve this?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Three Years Later...
The water sparkles under the spring sunshine, like millions of diamonds are floating on the surface of the lake, the ducks weaving through the water with grace and efficiency. Everything seems so vividly clear. The blades of grass. The detailed patterns of bark on the trees. The faces of the people around me. I can smell the spring air. Every sense is heightened.
It’s seven thirty. What am I doing here? I’m sitting. I look beside me to the wood. I’m on a bench? Glancing around, I see runners, walkers, strollers, dog-walkers. The park is busy, as you would expect on a beautiful spring evening. But, again, what the hell am I doing here? I rise to my feet, noticing I’m wearing a suit.
A suit. I haven’t worn a suit since I sold The Manor. No need for any armor anymore.
Weird.
I dip into my pocket to get my keys. No keys. I pat my body down. No keys, no phone. “The fuck?” I breathe, circling on the spot, trying to pull anything from my brain that would explain why the fuck I’m in St James’s Park. Alone. With no keys and no phone.
In a suit.
I still for a moment, thinking, memories floating on the edge of my mind. I breathe in when a shooting pain hits my stomach, and I pull my suit jacket back, my heart missing too many beats. I look down at my shirt.
White.
No blood, no knife.
What’s going on? I take a few steps on the path and come to a sharp stop when something down by the water catches my eye. “What?” I whisper, rushing toward the railings that keep people away from the edge of the lake. I take hold of the top, eyes unwavering from the side of the water, and kick my leg over. I walk down to the edge, my eyes burning, not daring to blink, watching as her little chubby hands fumble with the bag of bird seed. The bag splits, and the seed scatters at her feet.
“Oopsie daisy,” I whisper, my heart climbing up into my throat.
She spots me, her green eyes widening. “Daddy!” And she runs my way.
I breathe in sharply, searching for the invisible wall, waiting for her to crash into it. “Rosie, no!”
She doesn’t.
She throws herself at me, and I catch her, amazed, feeling the impact of our bodies coming together. The force robs me of every bit of air in my lungs. Her little backside rests on my forearm, her thighs wrapped around my torso. Then her palms slap against my cheeks and squeeze. “Oopsie daisy,” she says, giggling.
I’m rendered stupid, just staring into her green eyes, taking in her dark blond hair. She’s wearing her little pink T-shirt with a rainbow heart on. The last thing she was wearing when Carmichael carried her away from me. “Hey, baby girl,” I whisper over the lump wedged in my throat.
She laughs, pointing to the water. “Quack, quack, Daddy.”
“You want to feed the ducks?” I ask, carrying her down to the edge of the water, soon getting caught up in the swarms of ducks flapping around, greedy for the seeds she’s dropped. She laughs her little arse off, delighted. I can’t take my eyes off her.
Heaven is where you want it to be.
I breathe in, turning when I hear footsteps behind me.
Jake.
“There you are,” he says.
“I found Daddy,” Rosie replies, wriggling out of my hold. I reluctantly lower her to her feet and watch, stunned, as she starts clapping her hands, stomping through the crowd of ducks.
Jake passes me, chasing after her. “Come on, Rosie, we have to go.”
Go?
“Where?” I call, following Jake down to the water. “I just got here.” I reach for my chest, pressing my hand into it. Beating. Hard. Jake passes me, now with Rosie on his shoulders. “Jake, wait,” I call, and he turns, walking backward, Rosie’s little palms resting on his forehead, her legs dangling down his front. And he doesn’t say a word.
They’re fading.
No.
Fading.
Please, no.
Then, the very second before they disappear, he smiles. “Love you, bro,” he calls.
And Rosie waves, yelling, “Bye, Daddy!”
Fuck. “Love you both,” I whisper over my devastation, going after them, but as I reach the railings, something emerges from the haze where Rosie and Jacob just vanished.
Ava.
I come to an alarmed stop, my heart going wild in my chest as she walks toward me, her smile falling when she spots me. I must look like I’ve seen a ghost. I rake a hand through my hair, hot, clammy. She’s holding Maddie in one hand, Jacob in the other.
“Daddy!” they yell, trying to come at me, but Ava holds onto them as I let out another whimper, and this time it’s one of relief as I take in my wife and kids.
“What are you doing on that side of the railing?” Ava asks, frowning as she takes me in from top to toe, worried.
“I...” I exhale, laughing under my breath, looking back to the edge of the water. There’s a mad feeding frenzy happening, the ground littered with seed. I look down at my hand clasping the empty packet of bird feed. “I was feeding the ducks,” I say quietly, returning my attention to Ava. She looks charmed. Maybe a little knowing.
I put myself on the right side of the fence and crouch, collecting the kids up, one in each arm. I look between them. Miracles. “Ready to go home?” I ask.
It’s a Daddy Sandwich as they both hug my head and I go to Ava, seeing she’s quietly curious still. I bend, letting her drop a kiss on my lips. “Your keys and phone,” she says, pulling them out of her handbag. “You left them on the table in the restaurant.”
I did?
“You did,” she muses, as we start walking out of the park. “What happened?” she asks, eyes on me as Maddie and Jacob slap my cheeks in time to my steps.
“Nothing happened,” I assure her, lowering the kids to their feet, smiling when they go bombing off across the grass. I put my arm around Ava, bringing her close, watching the twins chasing each other as we wander along behind them.
I look over my shoulder. “Just saying goodbye to someone,” I whisper.
Two someones who have talked me off the ledge and walked alongside me. Helped me get to where I am today. My new normal. My daily happiness.
No more self-loathing and torture.
I look down at Ava tucked into my side, as she looks up at me, smiling her understanding. “I love you,” I whisper, pushing my lips into her hair, breathing in deeply.
“I know,” she murmurs, resting her hand on my chest as we follow the kids. “It’s been a lovely day.”
“Pure bliss, baby,” I reply, smiling.
Forever.
All because of this woman.